Motherhood Uncensored

What to Wear at BlogHer 2008: A Sleeping Baby

If you don't have one, you might want to snag a wee baby before the BlogHer Conference this summer because they are the "it" accessory for mom bloggers these days. Granted, I would want a baby I could give back after the weekend since I value sleep almost more than my life, but the great thing about a going out with a baby is that you can wear anything and nobody cares.

And there's no need for a nametag because they know your baby.

The truth is, I would have never ventured out to a bar (note to readers: I was actually outside the actual bar) with Quinlan. In fact, I barely ventured outside of my house with her. It was work and then home again. I dreaded the post office, and the grocery store was a nightmare.

And the huz and I almost never had a night out because I was not privvy to this myth called "the trustworthy and responsible babysitter." That's really what they should give you when you check out of the hospital. A list of babysitters.

And The Rookie Moms Handbook.

I've known Whitney and Heather, self-proclaimed geeky girls, since I started blogging. We featured their site on Cool Mom Picks back in the olden days when it was an offshoot of this blog (did you even know that?) and I met both of them at my first BlogHer in 2006.

At the time, I was past my rookie year (basically the first 12 months of a baby's life) and so I didn't take as much notice about the cool stuff they were doing on their site. But if you happen to have a new baby (be it your first or your 16th -- you Duggar, you) or one on the way (oh wait, that's me!) their blog is a must-have resource.

And now so is their book.

It's nothing fancy (although I think it's a swanky looking little gift book) and the activities aren't brain science. They're mostly just common sense activities that you would never ever ever think of doing because you're too sleep deprived to even wipe your own ass or wash your armpits. (They actually give you a quick "how to shower with baby" rundown in the book).

Some of the activities might not appeal to you, but others are must-do-this-instant sort of things -- like emailing your baby. Snag an email with their name and forgo the baby book; just send them email updates of what they are doing, saying, pooping, you name it.

It sure would have saved me scrawling shit out in a stupid flimsy notebook, that's for sure.

This is definitely a book to keep in your "awesome shower gifts" stash. Kudos to them for taking their blog and making it into a kick-ass book. I'd try it with Motherhood Uncensored but I don't see my pubic hair post going over well at a baby shower.

Motherhood Uncensored for New Moms: Shave it Before You Have it. Well, it sort of has a nice ring.

And take my advice, maybe a bar isn't your type of outing with a baby, but the power of a fantastic mei-tai is worth its weight in gold. If my kid can sleep through the gabbing of super fabulous mom bloggers in a loud bar, getting out of the house to anywhere other than the mailbox might be something to think about.

Psst. Share your best, bizarrest, coolest, whatever rookie mom year outing and win some prizes (all weekend long). Go here to learn how to participate. WOO! And if you want to hear what the ladies sound like (and me too), check out my podcast with them!

And thank you thank you for your wonderful birthday wishes and sweet comments about The Today Show. If you live in NYC, I'd be happy to recommend a fantastic hair stylist, make-up artist, and eyebrow genius!

[photo via Rebecca Woolf]

Boob Man

We've been waiting impatiently for the 15 month language explosion to hit. Instead, it's just a bunch of ass and nose explosions, neither of which help me to understand exactly what my son is saying (except don't feed me all that yogurt and perhaps wash my hands a few more times).

I've become one of those moms who annoyingly states and repeats basic words to the point of the on-looker just wanting to say the word for the kid.

"BALL. It's a FUCKING BALL, lady. Now leave the poor baby alone."

It's not that he can't say anything. He consistently offers a resounding "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" anytime food is brought to the table. That's always nice for this domestic zero's ego. And he makes "kissing" noises when you ask him what a duck says because my husband taught him to do that to get them to come over to him. We've since added "bwhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrr" for a truck and heavy panting for a dog or hot or both.   

And over the course of the last few weeks, he's said "mama," "ba" (ball), and "nana" (banana) with some intention. But then the lunar eclipse and the perfectly aligned stars pass over us and it is gone.

He's quite a talented "pointer n' grunter" so much so that we're bound to give him absolutely anything he wants off the kitchen table just to get him to stop. And he's taken to using a few ASL signs, with some fascinating interpretations -- my favorite being the hand to the mouth with loud sucking noise for drink.

Unfortunately, he's also decided to incorporate baby gangster language, like biting - or as he seems to be saying "Give me that toy, bitch," hitting - which is code for "Get the hell off my couch," and tossing things at people's heads (with uncanny aim); that's generally interpreted as "Don't mess with me with or I will cut you." (or as my daughter would tell you, "bruise my freaking forehead.")

So last night, during our nightly story hour, we were reading one of his favorite books*. And being the obsessive good mom that I am, I was saying every single word that he was pointing to. Without thinking, he pointed to the mom's large pregnant breast and I said "Boob."

"Boob!" he said, in his cute baby voice.

Oh Jesus. Are you kidding me? You're going to say that?

"What's that," I asked him, hoping it was just a fluke.

"BOOB!"

Now if I had known he was going to add "boob" to his vocabulary, I would have called it "breast" - being that I'm all for using the "correct" terminology, but I figured best to pad the word count for the 18 month doctor visit.

And "boob" is just way easier to say. You know, other than "jugs."

*Like many books we (and you) probably own, it is not one of my favorite books. But there are lots of renderings of babies, and he loves it.

One Thing's For Certain, Matt Lauer is Definitely Not Here

If you missed the segment, you can watch it here! And read our interviewer, Janet Shamlian's, blog entry. She rocks! Off to enjoy birthday fun with the kids.

Updated for like the 3rd time: Okay. The word is that we're on at the top of, the 10am EST with Heather on at 10:30am talking to Kathie Lee of all people. If that's not worth watching, I don't know what is.

Set your tivos, people. The Today Show segment I shot last month is set to run tomorrow morning -- May 7 -- (unless Miley Cyrus decides to show her naked back or something MAJOR BIG TIME like that). I have no idea when it's on during the show nor am I sure why I'm telling everyone (except because I'm an ambivalent media whore), but I'll update on Twitter and here tomorrow.

It just so happens to be airing on my 32nd birthday. Let's hope that's a good omen!

Nuances.

My daughter has grown interested in private parts over the last few months. It's a combination of a growing awareness of her own, and an understanding that her brother's are different.

I made the decision to call a spade a spade, and a vagina a vagina. It still gives my husband the shivers, mainly because it's one thing to realize your sweet little baby has sexual organs, but another when she can call them exactly what they are supposed to be called in her sweet little voice.

Granted, I'm not the most comfortable with it all, but I fake it. I thoroughly believe that after becoming a parent (okay, before too, at least for me, but still), I could seriously make it on Broadway. My sudden dramatic love for broccoli, the joy I feel when I'm cleaning up toys, and, the God's honest serious face I slap on when I'm talking about vaginas and penises.

That was of course until my daughter asked if she could touch Drew's weiner (while I was on the phone with my husband).

She said it sort of quietly. Like she was asking for a piece of gum. Except, it was a penis. Now honestly, I can't really blame her, considering she had just seen it shoot a pretty rad stream of pee right out onto her carpet (post-bath diaperless moment there). There it hung, it all its total dirty uncircumcised glory.

But alas, she is not allowed to touch it, or anyone else's private parts [cue serious mommy voice] because they are our special personal body parts that are for us only.

And then she replied "Well, daddy lets me touch his!"

EEP. EEK. Sjldkfjlkjewalkfjdlkfjdlfjdlfjdklfjdlkf?!

Actually, that was my husband on speaker phone. I sort of guffawed and snorted at the same time. I mean, way to take the whole three-year-old "Daddy lets me..." logic and twist that around.

After thinking about it for a few seconds and realizing how crazy that actually was for her to say, we asked her if that was true or if it was made up, and she admitted that she made it up.

Ah, my little lying sack of potatoes.

And then the explaining began. First about the lying (again) and then about the serious discussion about how we don't touch other people's parts and if adults ask you to touch theirs that it's not okay and that you have to tell us even if they say don't because we're your mommy and daddy and you can tell us everything.

And then I sighed heavily. Inside at least.

We still wipe her after she goes potty. When she gets older (like way older, maybe 35 or so), she'll be able to touch other people's private parts and she might even ask them to touch hers. We want to explain to her that certain things are not okay, but still save room for the caveats. We want to provide her with as much information as she can process, but not scare her into completely closing off about the topic.

Because even in these cases, there are no total extremes. Just a whole hell of a lot of nuances.

*It very clear to me that my husband DID NOT EVER allow my daughter to touch his penis. I'll leave the comments open for a civil discussion but if you feel the need to hint or overtly comment that he did somehow do so, then I will delete your comment.*

--

Okay, so if you haven't gotten the memo yet, all my links are in my left side bar now. So please check them! I just got my real live pics from this place and they rock. Awesome (and very cheap) mother-in-law gift for Mother's Day. My kids might have a photo album afterall...

Mother's Day Is Every Day

I've heard more than a few moms express their disgust about the commercialization of Mother's Day. Like Valentine's Day and other useless holidays, they jack up the prices for flowers and chocolates, and hope some poor sucker whose wife works her ass off 364 days out of the year will come running to spend his allotted $100 the day before.

The truth is that moms deserve way more than a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates. And they deserve it every day of the year.

I'm not even sure when the flowers and chocolate thing came into play. Clearly it was not a mom who came up with the idea. "That's right. I lost my figure, shoot a kid out my woo-woo, and wipe butts every day. I think moms everywhere would like CHOCOLATES!"

Yeah right.

On the flip side, I don't think moms want diamonds either. Although, if my husband were to shove one at me, you wouldn't see me running back to the shop begging them to take it back.

But what I do want for myself and for other mothers this Mother's Day is empathy. I'm fortunate that when my husband is home he cleans, vacuums, and plays with the kids. And lately he's been a lot better about not complaining about how tired he is even though he's gets to come home to a quiet house with no kids and no dogs almost everyday.

And I know other moms out there whose husbands rock their socks off. They get it.

But some dads just don't. Too bad they don't sell empathy along with those chocolates and flowers. I'm pretty sure it would be a best selling gift for moms everywhere.

How do you want to be recognized this Mother's Day? (Click the link and see how you can participate in our Blast -- Julie and I are donating $25 to the charity of the choice of 10 winners -- so it's for an excellent cause!

Synchronicity

Last year I decided that in my free time I'd try to pitch Motherhood Uncensored as a book. I wrote a few chapters, asked a few wonderful colleagues to check it out, and I sent it off to Seal Press with high hopes.

But alas, it was refused. Same story, different title. "Career mom with surprise pregnancy gets overwhelmed."

Bla bla. I got it.

It turns out that around the same time they had just signed Rebecca Woolf to write Rockabye: From Wild to Child.

I got that too.

It would be wrong to say that I didn't have a speck of envy about it. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why. I suppose it's a writer's dream to publish a book. Most days I don't really consider my self "A WRITER." But we all see some legitimacy in books -- a soft or hard cover bound bunch of pages that you can hold and wave and accidentally drop in the bathtub.

You know, what you can't do with blogs.

But most of me was extremely excited for Rebecca. There's no doubt in anyone's mind, at least anyone who reads her blog, that she's got chops. Amazing writing chops. But what many people might not have put together is that our stories are very similar.

She definitely beats me in the tattoo department (I have four). And I have more kids than her. And she has bangs and lives in LA and.... okay, so maybe it's not that obvious.

But we both had surprise pregnancies, we both got married before our first kids arrived -- shotgun style --, and we both struggled with what it meant to be "a mother."

And now we're due with our current pregnancies within a week of each other.

So, it was with much anticipation that I waited to get her book in her hands.

If you look at the cover you might get the impression that it's one in the sea of soooo last year "bad drunk party girl now mommy like oh-my-gawd how did I get into this mess" type books.

But it's not.

In fact, after reading the first few chapters I was completely struck by the book's simplicity. You don't get this long twisted story of Rebecca's sordid past. It's not about dredging up all the crazy shit she did as a kid so that when she becomes a mom you're like "OH HERE WE GO AGAIN!"

You hide in the bathroom with her. You take a shit ton more tests like she did. Even if you were dying to get pregnant and only needed one test to convince yourself.

It's relatable, on many levels, because of the messages that are sent to the reader. Through sweet stories, touching moments, and honesty. A beautiful honesty that transcends everyone's diverse experience as a mother.

So, to say I've been touched by this book is an understatement. The truth is if my story never gets put into print, I feel that in some ways, Rebecca has done it for me.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

*****

Because I have a ridiculous amount of interesting links that I want to tell you all about, I've decided to put them in my side bar. I'll update them on a regular basis -- regular being as often as I can remember to do so.

Imposition Part 2: Confrontation

Against my better, well-rested non-hormonal judgment, I decided to talk to my mom about God and the penis. (Consequently, isn't that an Alanis Morrisette song?).

Had I had some sleep and not been jacked up on hormones, I would have used half a brain and just let it go, because the truth of the matter is, my kids see my mom twice a year, if that. But that takes maturity and fortitude -- apparently neither of which I have at this point in time.

I spent a good many years in therapy figuring out that talking to my mom about stuff like this probably isn't the best route. It's not that my mom doesn't listen or that my mom comes from an undermining place.

No, that's my in-laws.

My mom, on the other hand, listens and comes from a very good Jesus-Loves-You-Except-those-Gays place.

The truth is she just doesn't really get it. Limited. Totally clueless.

We really weren't so peeved about the penis thing (although it was pretty gross). And we really didn't have an issue about the Poppy Bill in heaven thing. In fact, apparently Quinlan was the one who brought it up. Truthfully, I can live with heaven. And I know that my presence every day compared to the twice yearly presence of my mom will carry some weight with my daughter.

But what I obviously couldn't just "live" with was the Bible story book that she packed in her bag to read to her.

And what's worse, I couldn't live with her explanation as to why.

"Well, she's got to get it somewhere, and you're not going to be exposing her to anything."

There were other things before that came out, like we want to be the filter of information for those types of important things in life, and we're not going to shelter her from religion in fact she's probably going to send her to a Catholic preschool this Fall (oh the irony), and we're open to talking with her about everything and anything when it's age appropriate.

And then she said something about how we tell her about Santa and the Easter Bunny and so what's so different about Jesus hanging on the cross (the true and important meaning of Easter, particularly for a three year old - oy). And it's just like any other book so what's the big deal... you oversensitive daughter who just wants to pick a fight with me because you're a hateful heathen child who decided to leave the church and this little part of me lost some love for you over it.

Okay. So not all that. But that's what I heard.

And so, after we hung up and I started formulating a response to what will either be a long no-paragraph email about how mean I was or better, a phone call sometime this summer with the same sentiment I realized why I was so offended by the damn book. And her prayers. And her Jesus talk.

It's because I don't want her Jesus and God for my daughter. Because she seems to forget that her Jesus and her God royally screwed me over. They made her stay in a hateful abusive marriage. They made her stand by and watch while I was verbally and sometimes physically abused.

They made her choose him over me.

And I never ever ever want that to be the God my daughter sees.

So it's not really about the book. It's about what that book represents. I realize that I don't necessarily have a problem with religion. I just have a problem with hers.

How Good (or Bad) of a Mama Have You Been This Year?

C'mon, people! We can't sit around and wax religious all week long. What's mother's day without a glass dildo and a vibrator that plugs into your iPod, I say?

Giveaways (last day to win cool stuff): Click here and here for more information. *Make sure you read the directions before you just say "Me Pick Me!"

Blog Blast: We've got a special extended blast through May 8 with Johnson & Johnson's new charity site, Baby Cause. Tell us how you want to be recognized this Mother's Day -- stuff, flowers, dildos? (click the link for participation details). You could win a JnJ gift pack and PBN will donate $25 to the Global Giving charity of your choice (10 winners!). Oh, and if you want to bid on Poppy Montgomery's High Chair, check out their eBay auction. (heh).

Settle an Argument for me and the huz. Are these shoes girly or European? Added: Click this link for a pic of them on my son!

ADDED: The MOMocrats asked and Obama actually answered! Check it out.

Imposition.

If I had to guess what my daughter and mom talked about while I was gone, I could pretty much figure it out based on all the "God is Love" songs and talk about heaven that's been happening since my mom left. It's no secret to me that my mom is incredibly worried that I won't go to heaven. But now it's clear she's taken it upon herself to make sure my kids won't share my own same fate.

Hell.

Ever since I decided that fear mongering religion that marginalized specific groups of people wasn't for me (or really, when I decided I wanted to have sex without guilt), my mom has been scared for my eternal soul. She doesn't mention it as much any more, mainly because I've asked her not to do so, but she'll still indicate that she's praying for me.

It's really not that I hate religion, or don't respect folks who choose to believe in a specific faith and live it fully. It's that I don't believe religion should promote fear or hate or judgment of others. And I don't believe it should interfere with a person living a full life because God said they can't do certain things or in extreme cases, wear certain things.

I understand the role that religion plays in my own mother's life. It provided her solace after my sister died. And my father. And her boyfriend. It gives her hope, security, and peace. But I do believe that it limits her -- in her sometimes extreme interpretation, I think it stifles her experiences of life.

And that's her choice. But it doesn't need to be mine. And I don't need her to make it that way.

The truth is, I don't feel as though her dutiful prayerfulness makes God listen to her anymore than me. And I don't believe that it means that people need to worry about me, or anyone else who might be considered "a lost soul."

Is it wrong for me to feel just a little bit annoyed that she just brought "A Bible Disguised as a Storybook" to my house with her?

I have yet to figure out how religion will fit into our lives. Perhaps we will always be Easter and Christmas church goers, with our own private way of celebrating our spirituality. But I hate to think that it makes us "bad" or "wrong" or "terrible" because we're not underlining verses in our Bible, or attending church every Sunday.

I love my children with every inch of my "heathen" soul and will do everything in my power to guide them in what's good and right in the world, which may or may not include an organized religion.

Doesn't that count for something?

--

On a lighter note, check out a fun round-up of my trip to San Francisco.

Edited to add: If you live in ATL and know a cool place to do a book signing, specifically a place that a) you'd come see me at and b) that doesn't sell coffee (long story...), please drop me an email.

Not Exactly the Conversation I Wanted to Have With My Mom at 5am On the Way to the Airport With Both Kids Awake in the Car

"And can I suggest that you get Drew circumcised because I never realized how many bladder infections a woman could have until I married your father and you know, you should really pee before and after intercourse and I had to take sulfate tablets all the time because I got so many bladder infections so you should really do your son's wife a favor and get him circumcised because that foreskin on his penis is a little red right now."

Or, I could teach him how to keep it clean when he gets older. PS: This pregnant mother of two thanks you for the tips on intercourse, Mom, as well as the horrible indelible images of you and dad having sex a lot. Like I needed something else to make me barf.