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Silly Wabbit, Tits are for Kids...

Alright, I admit it. I'm still breastfeeding. My daughter is now 16 months young and she still uses my trusty boob (mostly the left one for those who care) for some type of nourishment/comfort/entertainment. Mostly in the morning and at night - oh *gasp* on the plane. Yes ON THE DAMN PLANE. Who wants to hear a child screaming for a whole plane ride? And, I don't even use a blanket to cover myself up. C'mon, I'd much rather see a BOOB on a plane then some of the ugly mugs walking around these lovely streets (or plane aisles).  So look - before you start flinging comments my way, allow me to at least arm myself with my Wonder Woman arm bands and enlighten you.

As you might have guessed (for those of you who know me, ohplatformwearingminiskirtflashingpushupbraloving KRISTEN), I was the kind of girl who went to the LaLeche League meeting at 8 months pregnant (those were the days, I tell you) and gasped at the moms whose kids were *gulp* standing at their side and nursing, amidst breaks of playing with other children, reciting the Gettysburg Address, and taking the SATs.

Nursing9monthss_1 Just kidding - but you get my drift. Whipping out the boobie for a child who is tall enough to stand and nurse, and ask for it in another language was not my cup of tea.

With this image embrazened in my mind for eternity, I decided that I would only be breastfeeding for six months. Then six months turned into 12 months, and well, here I am.  She can talk, she can ask for it, and I suppose, if I sat in a chair and allowed her to nurse, she could probably do that too.

So here's my reasoning:

10. ALL the health organizations (including the World Health Organization and the American Association of Pediatrics) have concluded it's the best way to go for at least one year (WHO says at least 2).

9. It's a great form of weight loss and weight control (I'll discuss the 11 month thanksgiving diet in a later blog).

8. Dare I mention ALL the formula companies who say BREAST IS BEST, plus all the immunities and health benefits for MOM and BABY (lower risk of breast cancer, diabetes - ear infections, major illnesses)?

7. My boobs stay big and perky. Hey, maybe YOU never got crapped on by a bunch of 13 year old pre-pubescent girls that were already wearing a 36B in 8th grade, BUT I DID. Damn bitches. Or maybe your poor often times "footinthemouth" husband didn't comment about your small half-Asian boobs when he met you. BUT MINE DID. Bastard.

6. Did I say my boobs are big and perky?

5. It's an instant comfort - for my daughter too. No seriously, the girl will fall asleep, fall back asleep, and maintain sweet silence in an INSTANT.

4. I will have HUGE ammunition for at least 1 to 2 years of TOTAL GUILT TRIPS for when my daughter is older and decides she wants to spend her college trust fund on a Save the Whales excursion.

3. I get boob action at least 3x a day.

2. It's free - yep, totally free. More money to spend on other stuff - like hot dates with my husband. Manolos and 7 Jeans. Yeah right.

1. It's the only way to fend off the post-pregnancy, inevitable boob drop and flop.


So there you have it folks. Come and eat at mom's diner. It's open 24-7, nothing but the BEST stuff on earth...


Yeah, I once said that they were too old to nurse if they could ask for it. Mine asks for it - and gets it.

Well if someone hadn't quit her job at BRA HEAVEN (or HELL) to take some freaking position helping raise money for needy folks instead of helping the world find tight panties and the right bra then MAYBE I wouldn't have to worry about this SHIT. I love you Hills!


While I am excited and flattered to be the first to comment on the LOVELY blog (I'll save the itsaboutfuckingtime comment for later...), I'm just not sure how to respond to this particular decision.

You know, gorgeous, eventually you're gonna have to face the facts - your boobs are not going to stay big and full and perky forever. I recommend the following to help deal with this harsh reality:

1. Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy" push up bras (STILL never leave home w/out one)

2. Push ups and bench presses (supposedly building the chest muscles helps tighten the skin and lift the "girls") at the gym, or,

3. If all else fails, suggest to your loving husband that, as repayment for giving up the job, the bod and the frivolous spending tendancies, you feel a boob job is a perfectly reasonable request!

Hmmm...I can almost hear Douglas screaming from here...

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