Closing a Chapter: Part 2

Q's Arrival: The Good Stuff

Read Part 1 Here

But then I had to push. Pushing feels good, I remember hearing from my trusty Bradley instructors. I envisioned the relief of a much needed bowel movement. That feels good. Pushing, however, does not. In fact, it is the antithesis of good. Good is a nice book, warm tea, or a relaxing day. You are pushing out an eight pound human from your nether-regions. Nothing about that says good. You’re exhausted and frustrated, and a doctor who has just walked into the room for the first time is telling you that yelling will not help you push any better. If she had been there for my whole entire labor, then she would have known that the YELLING (although I like to call it TONING) helped me make it through to this point. Granted I probably scared the shit out of the girl in the room next to me - but hell, chances are that she had an epi, so what does she have to worry about?

So, the stubborn gal that I am, I yell louder, push harder out my ass (they should just tell you to push like you are taking a BIG OLD SHIT and then I would have had her out in one fucking push), and breathe at the command of my doula. Thankfully, my daughter was low and I didn’t push for very long. There’s a split second where you have the distinct feeling that you are about to rip in half and then out she popped. This beautiful baby girl smiled up at me, and for a moment, all was well with the world. And then I remembered everything that had just happened.

In the immediate moments following my birth experience, I felt little pride for my drugless birth and more concern that I would have to endure that experience again if I wanted another one. I wondered why I had been so adamant about allowing my body to remain untouched during such a difficult labor. And I worried if I would ever be able to bring myself to do all that again.

A few people have told me that your memory of your labor fades as time passes. In some ways, it’s true. Your painful labor is overshadowed by your lack of sleep, sore breasts, and general overwhelm. Your stitches disappear but are replaced by various levels of nether region discomfort, for some at both ends. But, even through what were, at times, harrowing hours and days of confusion and frustration, I still remember my birth. Frankly, it’s been almost two years, and I can recount almost every moment of my labor in clear imagery. And now that I know what to expect, I enter the possibility of each new baby journey with a little more trepidation.

It's not to say that I would go drug-less again; I'm a glutton for punishment and an overachiever tried and true. I can't lie - I do bask in the glory of my drugless pain fest every now and then. Especially when several male friends whose wives had just had babies challenged by ability to do it. But, now that I know what to expect, I may not allow myself to get to the point where I'm demanding that my husband tell me something about his dead grandfather (yes, folks, I was disassociating) or begging my doula to forgive me for not going to church that past Sunday.

A wise woman once told me to never count your chickens until they’ve hatched, and truly, the saying applies well here. Before having my first child, I envisioned a houseful of children, but after my labor experience and subsequent miscarriages, I might just have to change my definition of houseful to fit what my body and mind can handle. I'm not giving up just yet, but sometimes you need to change your vision to fit your current reality.

So, precious girl. Looks like it is just you and me for awhile. Here's to many exciting adventures not involving my boobs or nipples. Cheers!

Comments

[Jenn]

These posts were a great read - thank you for writing!

To many many happy days and exciting adventures...

(drug free? I'm in awe - but still keeping an epi close by) :D

[TJ]

I love reading or hearing about birth stories.

With my son, my labor went super fast and the nurse kept telling me not to push. I wasn't interested in listening to her so I pushed a couple of times and she said it again "don't push" "too late, I've done it twice so far" she freaked out and all of a sudden the room was full of people talking to me about pushing. Um, yeah I'm not going to stop so hurry up people!

Oh I did two drug free births - I did ask for drugs, but the babies came too fast.

[roo]

You and your daughter are beautiful, and I really enjoyed reading your birth story.

Of course, while reading it, and these comments, I once again felt like the lone virgin at the slumber party, "And then WHAT happens? Wow... And then?"

[Julie]

Ditto Nancy and Nixie. At some point, I will compare and contrast my two birth stories, but in the meantime, I will shower you with admiration. I really wanted to get there via that route, but I got a little tired of jumping over the "Road Closed" signs after 30 hours or so...

[Lisa]

So, you're into pain. I like that about you.

Thanks for sharing the whole story. I have 3 different birth stories, but all of them I chose the drugged out like a crack whore approach. Cheers to you!

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

Wonderful story! You are one hardcore bitch. I was like NUUUUURSE, DRUUUUUG ME. Anyway, thank you for sharing. Twas mahhhhvelous.

[kyra]

so beautiful. really. and such wonderful pictures. i have a hunch you and your sweet precious girl won't be alone for too too long.

i remember the pushing being very scary at first. i really did feel like it would rip me in two, like a cartoon, sagitally, right up through the middle. and then fluffy slippped out like a tiny seal, and everything changed. forever.

[Lisa B]

Your little girl is so beautiful. There's no way I could have gone without a epi. You are one tough cookie. :-)

[Mom101]

Me: Epi. You: Hero. I can't even imagine. My first words after they got that needle in my spine were "next one we're adopting."

The pictures are gorgeous and not just because the husband-like creature and I see an eerie resemblance to our own spawn.

[Christina]

I'm going to have to mentally file all of this advice away for future reference. Since I didn't go through labor with my first, I'm kind of feeling like I've never had kids before, even though I have one.

I wish I had a more interesting story to tell my daughter about her birth. "You were a pain in the ass and wouldn't turn around, so the doctors cut you out of me and I didn't get to see you for the first three hours." Not nearly as romantic as many birth stories are.

The c-section was OK. I mean, I certainly don't want another if I can help it, but for women who are afraid to go through labor again (like a friend of mine who won't have more kids because of this), there's always the option of the non-necessary c-section. (Yeah, I know it's a horribly unpopular thing to even mention.)

I still think you're amazing for going through a drug-free birth!

[Nixie Knox]

Having The Z was quite the experience - she was 12 days late and they scheduled me for an induction (which, by the way, could not begin until after the Knicks game - playoffs, you know). But evidently you have to be somewhat dilated before they give you pitocin and I was most decidedly NOT. So the doctors did all sorts of things to get that process going which put me into labor and after 15 hours of contractions every two minutes the doctor checked me and said, "You are only at a 2." Are you f*cking kidding me? I cried like a baby. And then demanded an epidural that they refused to give me until I reached a 3 some three hours later. Eventually, they had to go in there and get her out - 23 hours after the whole shebang began. And I am happy to report she is still stubborn as a mule.

[knq]

Chantal - I agree. I was very well prepared and for me, it only got bad at the end - but since I had four pseudo transitions, it was very hard. Also, I had in my mind that pushing felt good, and I think that if I didn't have that image, I would have felt a bit better about it.

Lots of drug-free mommies here. Aw, Steph, a SPA - how sweet. Too bad I had to give birth in fucking Mississippi - they did let us use the microwave to heat my back pad - so kind...

Dawn -- You crack me up - Can I get some Johnny Cash anyone?

I'll have to check those out Stells - and thanks. I enjoy the tub shot myself.

I'm always here to help, Mrs. Fortune - just think a BIG SHIT - and it really works.

[mrsfortune]

Awww ... thanks for the tip on the big old shit, by the way. :) This is a great story and I truly enjoyed reading both parts. Your daughter is gorgeous.

[Chantal]

As a CBE, I make sure to teach any woman planning an intervention free birth that labour is alot more mental than it's made out to be. So much is focused on the physical side that alot of women are not prepared for the tricks their mind will play on them.

Bradley, Lamaze and other forms of relaxation training don't work for all women. There is a book by Janet Balaskas called Active Birth. From what I read, this sounds more up your alley. It certainly was for me. I've done it four times and I know you can do it as many more times as you encounter - without the painful memories (and I don't just mean physical, KWIM?).

[stefanierj]

I did the no-drug thing, too, and all I can say is THANK GOD I didn't try to do a home birth, too. I spent three hours in the shower! Yay for unlimited hot water. Yay for pre-heated towels and nurses to dry you off. If not for the fact that it felt, as my hairdresser said, like I was pooping out a Golden Retriever, it would have been vaguely spa-like.

Great post. Great pics. Cute girls (both of you!)

[stellameister]

if you haven't already...

you should read these birth stories. they are GREAT!

http://verymom.com/?pagename=birth-stories

[Dawn]

I recall it in vivid color. I also said , at one point

"I swear I'm not trying to push - It's just happening!" Cause no one tells you the urge to push isn't like the urge to pee (Controllable) - It JUST IS! And it feels good and bad to join in.

I also announced "This is the Ring of Fire" to the room - as she was crowning - cause it needed to be said. And apparently told my Midwife that I was through pushing when I was delivering the placenta. Terrance said I looked amazing lucid as I said "No, I don't think I will push anymore" to the large lesbian midwife.

Do you remember the smell? I thought the smell was the most amazing thing that had ever reached my nose.

Baby Girl is gorgeous.

[Shannon (Sentimental)]

What a cutie! Ah labor it sucks and what a story you have there hon. The end was my favorite and so true.

[Nancy]

I was in labor for many, many hours (with epidural, which I loved) with my first and ended up having a c-section. Baby 2 was a planned c-section due to my having a c-section with the first. I admire you for having the drug-free birth. You are quite the Woman with the capital W.

[Jaime]

I remember every minute of my birth experience too. But I was that lady next door with the FABULOUS epidural (I swear the anethesiologist was the best looking man I have ever seen!). Your daughter is absolutely adorable by the way!