Renters, Contests, and Prizes, Oh My!

It's time for another fabulous contest over here at Motherhood Uncensored. But, before we get into all that crazy shit, let me introduce my new renter, Neal. Yes you got it folks, IT'S A DAD! So click on over there, say hello, and drop him a comment or seven. Plus, he's got two kiddos. That definitely warrants a visit. It is a requirement of new renters, however, that you complete the "I Love 80s" meme. So, Neal, get ON it. And, if you care, I'm hanging out at A Mama's Rant this week. The blog is fun to read and has TONS of information on all things mommy - most importantly writing and clothes (what more is there?). Actually, she has WAY more than that... so feel free to visit and say hello.

Now onto the contest. I admit that while my last contest was very cool *pats back,* the prizes SUCKED. And now I feel as though I have more readers - maybe it's just an illusion, but hey, maybe not. So, I have decided that in order to kickstart the whole MotherDuds deal, I am offering fabulous prizes to my TOP 3 Winners.

*NOTE changes (it's easier now).

And, since I'm into STEALING being inspired by others these days, here's how it works. Give me your best PORNOGRAPHIC/RISQUE/SEXY Toddlerspeak/Mommydaddyspeak/Adultspeak phrase/Freudian Slip. What is that you ask? Well, hop on over to my friend Chag's place and read his post/category Porn or Toddlerspeak?. If it still doesn't make sense, here is what I mean:

1) A phrase that your CHILD has said to you (or 2) that you have said to your child) that if taken OUT of context, might sound sexual in nature. Take for example, Chag's brilliant comment to his child "Hurry up. Just suck it. We have to go to Target" or something to that effect. Or another one of my favorites (stolen, yet again) - "I want that big pecker."

3) Now, if you don't have a kid or you have one IN UTERO and you still want to play, you can give me your best ADULTspeak. For example, a phrase said to my friend's husband to my husband (well, ex-husband, but who cares, right?): Kristen can eat me under the table any time.

4) Good freudian slips. Like mine during my doctoral research presentation: The condom, I mean COMMON denominator... or telling my thesis advisor that I really needed some reese's PENIS.

Got it? Good.

So, to review:

1. Read Chag's Blog if you need help.

2. Post your phrase in the comments.

3. Do this all by Sunday, February 26, 2006 by 12 midnight.

Finalists will be announced Monday, February 27. We will then have open voting (god knows how I will do this, but I'll figure it out) until Wednesday, March 1. Winners will be chosen by vote of readers, viewers, and visitors.

Prizes will include the following:

1st Prize: MotherDuds shirt of your choice and 500 Blog Explosion Credits.

2nd Prize: MotherDuds shirt of your choice.

3rd Prize: 500 Blog explosion credits.

You don't have to be a regular reader and you don't have to be on my blogroll. Tell your friends, spread the bloglove, and ENTER THE DAMN CONTEST. If I come up with any other cool prizes, I will throw them in.

Oh, and Part Two of this will be here tomorrow. So don't miss it.

**Oh haver of children not yet speaking or outside your womb, read carefully, as it can be things you have said to them, OR things you have said to another adult. Freudian slips are great too.

PS: Don't forget about your 80s meme. Click here and read the comments to see who has theirs up. They are pretty damn funny.

Comments

[Arwen]

I missed the dealine but here goes. Last week my child looked at us and said 'I want a good foc.' She wanted a fox and took the plural foxes, and shortened and added toddler speak to come up with 'foc.' Hubby and I were floored until she explained that was the singular of foxes.

[kara]

gah! I missed the deadline... story of my life. okay, here's my entry. last week, we had our friedns over. they have two beautiful little boys, one of whom has a big buddha belly. i can't resist blowing/raspberrying/zerburting/insert-your-own-regional/family-name-for-it-here his belly. he loves it! so when i was done, the kiddo said 'jacob, can i blow you now?
thank you folks,we'll be here all week. don't forget to tip your waitresses.

[Shana]

My 5 y/o twin daughters and I were strolling through the aisles at Lowe's one day. I was checking out the bathroom faucets and shower heads, when they spotted them...The Golden Ones. "Look Mommy! Golden showers! I *LOVE* golden showers! Golden showers, ooohhh!" They kept repeating over and OVER. Yes, their voices did echo through the store and yes, I did walk 10 feet in front of them while trying to shut them up.

[Jo Anna]

Alright, here's our latest: "Santiago, just pick up the weeny, put it in your mouth, chew and swallow. You can't always let your sister finish the weiner first!!!"

[they're 2 1/2 year old fraternal twins, by the way]

[Stacy]

OK girls here we go ...

"ok sweetie, now put it in your mouth, suck on it, then pull it out."

my daughter sees a feeding therapist and she said this to encourage her to put a pretzel in her mouth!

[Jenn]

This one probably doesn't count, as it's nothing that anyone said...but now I'm on a roll:

I, on occassion at work, get to use a device called a Three-Way Stop Cock.

It's single use, disposable and can withstand pressures of up to 200psi.

Just thought I'd share... :D

[Kristen]

Okay, so this one doesn't sound original after reading some of the others, but here's mine, for what it's worth. My son (he's three)was playing with these two soft, foam balls that he and his sister got from a local restaurant as part of a kid's meal. One was a soccer ball and the other a basketball, but they were both the same size. He stood up on the coffee table and stuffed them down the front of jeans and sang to me a little song: "I've got balls in my pants, balls in my pants...I've got two big balls in my pants! Now I'm taking out the balls in my pants, in my pants...I'm taking out the balls in my pants!" Then he finished it all off with jazz hands. I couldn't be more proud...

[Nixie Knox]

Said just yesterday by Big D:

"I am hot in my pants - I gotta take them off!"

Sigh. The boy would be naked all the time if he could.

[Jenn]

LOL!! Yikes - I guess I actually need the kid born and talking to get the good stuff!

The spouse, in an effort to fully explain his desired steak, employed the word: juicy - said slowly in a drawl and accompanied by the slow, repetitive squeezing of both cupped hands. Thankfully, we were alone at the time. Not always so thankfully, it's now a term and gesture used in public as an inside joke. (full story at Quarter Rest - thanks for the prompt!)

[knq]

Feel free - and that's a pretty good one.

[Emily]

Hey...since I have twins can I enter twice? I just remembered another funny one. Said to me by my OTHER twin boy, while I was having a meeting with my daughters' school principal.

"Mommy. I want you to blow me now."

(explanation- Whenever we use those Listerine breath strips we would blow in each other's faces and then say "oh, your breath smells so nice". Well, before the meeting I wanted to make a good impression so I popped in a breath strip before walking into the office with my boys.)

[TJ]

My four year old daughter when my husband chases her and our son around, catching them to tickle, which includes blowing on stomach and making noise - "daddy you can't eat me!" It always gets him to promptly stop and walk away from her.

[Jaime]

Boobies Boobies Boobies!

For some reason that I dont remember, my sister taught my little Grace how to say boobies. Now if you look at Grace and say "boobies Boobies Boobies", she will lift up her shirt and point to her boobies! She has even started this on her own---she will walk into the room, lift her shirt (or yours if you arent paying attention!) and say "bobbies!".

Hysterical when it happens! Even better if Daddy is around so that you can watch the color drain from his face in fear of the future!!!

[knq]

Kristi - LOL It worked for me and my husband.

Oops, did I just write that?

And I'm glad you likey!

[Kristi]

LEK (four-year old daughter) made a matter-of-fact statement. "When you fall in love, you just fall on the ground and do it!" she said, full of confidence. Hmmm, fall-on-the-ground-and-do-WHAT? I'll leave that for your imagination, but when I questioned her about the "it" she said you fall on the ground and do "homework." What kind of homework, I wondered!

Lover your blog. (That was an actual typo. Does that count?) I mean, LOVE your blog!

[knq]

Very nice people.

And Jon and SPSM - welcome. I'm off to visit you.

[Jon]

Mother: Wow, she's really good at the sucking part.
Dad: Yes she is...now let's see if she'll swallow.

- Teaching a 10 month old baby girl to use a straw.

[Self-Proclaimed Supermom]

My 4 year old says as I am trying to wrestle him down to brush his teeth, "No MOM, don't DO ME."

[frazzledmom]

Spoken by none other than Chatty (my 5 year old) herself:

1. I wanna do it in my bed!
- saying to me as she wanted to put her clothes on the hanger while sitting on her bed - mom giggles endlessly in closet to self.

2. Take off all your clothes! - Porn.....NO
- again, Chatty telling me to remove my stash of clothes that were lying on top of the bath tub toys box cuz she wanted to play with a tub toy. Mom again giggles like a 13 year old and then having to explain to dad why...who by the way agreed that Mom should take off her clothes. I love him!

[mrsfortune]

*LOL* at all these entries.

I don't really have one, but:

I did receive a long essay from a student all about his lacrosse stick. It went into great detail about the size, length, girth, color and feel of his shaft. You can bet THAT one got passed around the staff lounge.

Also, a couple weeks ago we were just sitting around and my step-daughter (10 years old) says "Twat. Twat." Just out of nowhere. Me and my husband just looked at her like "wha?" and she informed us it was an Indian word for nickel or something, which she learned from one of those awful American Girl books (which I bought for her).

[Emily]

Said loudly to one of my 4 year old twin boys at Chili's as we dined.

"Sawyer, we DO NOT fling out weinies around and touch other people with them! Sit down, and stop playing with your weinie!"

(He had ordered a corn dog, had eaten the bread off and was playing with the meat from inside, bopping his siblings with it.)

[Lisa B]

Cat balls... Cracks me up. I will have to think on that one. I've become so desensitized that I don't even pay attention to whether what I saw sounds dirty anymore.

But I will have to keep my ears open.

[knq]

Mmmmmm... Yummy. Cat balls.

GREAT STUFF.

[Christina]

OK, here is my entry. This was something I said, then once I realized how it sounded, spent the rest of the day thinking I should wash my mouth out with soap:

"Sweetie, do we put the cat's balls in our mouth? No, we don't. Cordelia, don't eat the cat's balls!"

Backstory: she was sitting on the floor holding two cat toys - one was a fuzzy ball, and the other was a plastic ball with a bell in it. As she often does with toys, she was putting them in her mouth.

The only other thing I could think of was explaining to people in Target that Cordy was saying "socks" and not "sex".

[Nancy]

Can I use one that my friend's kid said to his mom? Just happened last night and it's fresh in my mind.

[knq]

Alright crazy kids. I've changed the rules a bit for ya.

Read on.

[knq]

Cori - You can play too -- just tell me something you've said to someone else (or your baby in utero)...

And thanks for the date messup. Damn February. Always messes me up.

[mrsfortune]

Well, since my baby is still in my uterus, can I just make shit up for him to say?

Oh - and February 29th? This isn't a leap year, is it? Cuz that will throw my whole schedule totally off.

[knq]

Chag ~ You are totally eligible -- that would be wrong if I didn't allow YOU to win - although I'm not quite sure the motherhood shirt is your deal LOL. Maybe we can make a daddy one if you win.

And don't worry, I'm sure they'll come up with someting in the next few days.

And, please, get on that thing. I can't wait. LOL.

[Chag]

Am I eligible? Unfortunately, I've got nothing new to add other than my two posts. Our conversations have been rather pristine lately.

And I'll get to the 80s meme thingy tonight.

[knq]

Um, hello, read carefully girlz... You can enter with stuff you've said to your younguns... Sometimes those are even better.

And, I'm glad to be the sort of blogmatchfairy for you Mom 101. The pleasure is mine, I'm sure.

Now back to the bitter ass Italian ice dancers. I LOVE THE DRAAAAMMMMAAA!

[Mom101]

Not sure if I will qualify since all my daughter is saying these days is aiiieeeeyiiiiaaahhhh which is only dirty if...nope. Just not dirty. But I will say that you do have zillions of readers and I know it for a fact because you tossed dozens of them my way with the 80s meme. Sending love back atcha for that one.

PS If I do think of some way to enter I will indeed!

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

Archer can't speak yet, but when he does he will only mutter pornesque shit. true.