Dear Blogher Conference Organizers,

I’m quite aware that my registration for this year’s conference probably didn’t get more than the customary glance and shuffle like the other hundreds you have received. I take no offense to that – I’m no Fussy or Finslippy – in fact, chances are you haven’t even heard about my blog. But, all the same, I am taking it upon myself to offer a few suggestions to help ease the worry and fears of many blogher attendees.

If you hadn’t figured it out yet, we’re scared.

Okay, make that petrified.

I don’t generally subject myself to scary situations. I didn’t attend my church karaoke party, and I won’t even let the inside of a tanning bed see me with a bikini on. But, for some reason, you sucked me in, and I’m coming.

I know it doesn’t make any sense. I’m a very outgoing person who loves to meet new people, but the prospect of meeting my fellow bloggers and them not knowing who I am or wanting to hang out with me for longer than my average page visit (2.47 minutes) freaks me out.

I reluctantly filled out my nametag form, but in all honesty, I hate nametags. There’s nothing like the “I’m-trying-to-see-your-name-but-it-really-looks-like-I’m-checking-out-your-boobs” thing every time you meet someone. And chances are, they still won’t know who I am after they read my nametag and my boobs are awfully disappointing these days, so really what’s the point?

But don’t fear. I’m not one to criticize without offering feasible solutions. Feel free to use as many as you like. A simple trackback shoutout in the conference packet would be a lovely gesture, but is certainly not required.

1. Consider encouraging attendees to wear a mask of their blog caricature, and if they have to wear a nametag, make sure it has their screen name. This way I will be able to spot Busymom from about 2 miles away and not make a fool out of myself trying to figure out her name, thus making it easier for me to kiss her ass.

2. If folks don’t have a blog caricature, I suggest a full-on costume. I know we might get mistaken for the 12^th Annual Plushie Convention, but I can assure you that I will have no idea who Mimi Smartypants is unless she is dressed up like, um, a penguin.

3. If you prefer a more subtle approach, and let's face it, costumes can get pretty hot, how about special computer screen t-shirts that show our blog page or even just the blog headers? I may not know Fussy by sight, but if I read a few lines of her blog or see those beat-up shoes, I’m pretty sure I can pick her out amidst the masses.

4. You might think about having special booths for certain bloggers. Perhaps an Amalah table - where she can read her blog and commenters attendees can stand in line to tell her how much they love her and how cute her son is. I’ll probably draw my typical spot in line (#343) but maybe if I say something witty, she’ll click back take my card and take a peek at my place.

5. And finally, I suggest some type of central message board where folks can meet up. I have my “All Motherhood Uncensored Readers meet at the hotel lobby bar at 6:30pm for drinks and funny post conversation about poopie diapers” poster set to go. I figure I might as well be prepared.

If you want to know the truth, a lot of people have fears about the “out-of-blog” experience, and perhaps these suggestions might help the registered folks feel just a little more comfortable, and give potential attendees just the excuse they needed to attend.

And if all else fails, I’ve made the perfect accessory just for the occasion.

I’m pretty sure that even Dooce will recognize me with this on.

Sincerely,

Motherhood Uncensored

Comments

[Jenn]

TOTALLY great ideas. Ummm, I guess (if we can base anything on last year), you would be able to recognize me as the one constantly motioning to the poor woman in charge of coffee letting her know it was empty. Again. We got to the point where all I would have to do is hold up a coffee cup and she would give me the thumbs up. (At least I think it was a thumbs up.)

I try to make the most of uncomfortable situations like new meetings by babble-assing and laughing and gushing over the person I am talking to. It makes for GREAT conversation. For them when I walk away.

You can sit at my table. At least you know you will have coffee. ;-)

[Marti]

Congrats MU! Looks like they've heard of you now! LOL

[TB]

Ha! This is awesome!!! I can't wait to meet you in person. BTW, have you received any paperwork or confirmation from said event? I registered online maybe six weeks ago, and so far, nothing.

[alice]

It seems like everyone going to BlogHer will be in a state of constant, paralyzing social anxiety. I intend to break the ice by wetting my pants. And I expect everyone to point and laugh. POINT and LAUGH, do you hear me?

[Sue]

First, thanks for the mention! I'm flattered.

Next...scared. Nervous. Never been good at social gatherings. I am delicate, easily flummoxed, an introvert, worn out by crowd scenes, overweight, wrinkly, most likely to stand there with a stupid grin on my face for a short period before I flee to my room.

But I'm going. I'm going.

[Julie]

Will someone please explain why I'm NOT nervous? The fact that the rest of you are nervous and I'm not is starting to make me nervous. Am I totally dense and anti-social or what?

[Sarah]

I'll be there. I've got no cool gig, but I like Mom101's idea about wearing a "Dooce" nametag.

I'll most likely be the one looking relieved because I won't have any two year olds hanging off of my legs for once.

Wait - that describes a lot of us.

[Izzy]

Woot Woot!!!!! You go girl!

And may I add, without intending to steal any of your well-deserved thunder, that I got an amazingly cool comment of my own from one of my mom-blogger idols on my Social Anxieties post. I can now die mostly satisfied :-)

[Chase]

Celebrity sighting!! Celebrity sighting!!

*faint*

[Carm]

Hey,
It's been a while, so I wanted to drop in and say hi and read up on what's new with you.

We are finally getting settled in at Beale and it is sinking in that we are out of the South. Well I'll be checking in, now that we have our routine's again.

Talk to you soon.

[amalah]

HA. I'm even the dumbass who posts comments twice. Think Blogher will have a workshop on How Not To Be The Biggest Idiot On The Internet?

[amalah]

(peek)

Hi! Come sit at my table at Blogher. It'll be the one behind the plastic palm tree because I am SCARED TO DEATH OF MEETING ALL THESE SMART PEOPLE, ACK.

[amalah]

(peek)

Hi! Come sit at my table at Blogher. It'll be the one behind the plastic palm tree because I am SCARED TO DEATH OF MEETING ALL THESE SMART PEOPLE, ACK.

[fidget]

a) i am ALWAYS "forbidden" from accessing the blogher.org page - WHY WHY?????

b) damn it, its too %$*&^ far away, next year it should be in orlando home of disney, universal, and yours truely (i think I rock enough to justify a venue change in 07)

c) you better %&(^ take pictures and come home with uber dirt on our fellow (bwhahah) female bloggers

[Dawn]

Listen- seriously. I have actual diagnosed social issues. Not sociopath - but anxiety. I also have the terrible tendancy to say Really offensive things within about 4.8 seconds of meeting people. It is a actual fact that I am not allowed to go to meetings with people outside my Bureau because they are afraid of what I may say to others.

And I am no freaking genius when it comes to blogging. In fact, I would humbly bow down to your superior skeelz.

If I can get up and fake ass my way through a session - you are all SOOOO coming, bitches. Because when I fail miserably in front of a group of women, I would like a few who know and love me regardless sitting in the front row, making obscene gestures.

And might I just say - Suck it to the Uber-Mom bloggers. Me, my big ass, arm fat and smarmy mouth ain't going to drink neat martinis with you.

I am hanging with the Bizarro-Mommybloggers. The ones who admit to eating cheetos and drinking Boones Farm.

[Kristen]

Yes, like Chase said, it's not to late to register girls!!

And Kyra?!! Is that you?! :)

[kyra]

how fun that you're going! take pictures and report back, as i know you will, with your customary wit and charm!!!

[C.M.Chase]

It's not in the past, ladies...you can still sign up. Blogher '06 is July 28th and 29th. Registration here:

http://www.acteva.com/booking.cfm?bevaid=103657

[Lisa]

I love these costume ideas! Brilliance I tell ya!

If I could've gone with someone I would've gone. I love to travel and I love to hang and me likey the drink. But I absolutely envisioned myself ending up like the geek lineup at the high school dance. Totally standing there. Swaying back and forth to the music. And anyone looking my way would get a big, brace teeth, shiny smile, mixed with a mental patient-esque wave.

I'll just stay home. Where I can drink alone.

I can't wait to hear your feedback though. It seems that the event gets mixed reviews.

[Lisa B]

If I would have known you were going to Blogher, I so would have signed on to go.

[Carolyn]

I am definitely at the toddler stage of blogging. Please come back with a full report. I'd love to hear your take on the conference.

[sweatpantsmom]

The costume idea rocks.

I'll be the one in my sweatpants and dirty T, house slippers and unbrushed hair.

Look for me, won't you?

And don't offer me some spare change.

[Tracey]

i know the world of blogging brings people together (namely moms in our case) but LIVE and IN PERSON???? that scares me too! it's like a big blog playdate without the kids!
i thought about going to the conf but YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES! i think i'd overdose on blog-stars, you being one of them!!
have fun and write about it for those of us who live out of state or are just waaaaaay too chicken to go (me being the later).

[Jess R]

Have a wonderful time!!! I'm already looking forward to the dishy recap posts from you lucky attendees.

[Nancy]

Hey, I'm so glad you're going too so I don't have to be alone with my anxieties.

And I requested that my name tag read "Nancy (Mom/Ma'am/Me)." Although that really won't help anyone but the 6 or 7 people that happen to read my blog on the regular. ;-)

[Blog Antagonist]

I live on the East Coast. Blogher is on the West Coast. It cots about 7.5 kajillion dollars to get from here to there by plane, so, for a novice blogger, it really isn't cost effective. If however, it was held nearby and did not necessitate a trip inside the perimeter, I would be there in a heartbeat.

I don't know Dooce, and I don't know Amalah, I presume they are the in crowd of the blogosphere? I never wanted to hang with those girls anyway. I always wanted to hang with the chicks wearing black lipstick and dog collars smoking behind the gymnasium. They were way cooler.

Your blog = dog collar and black lipstick. ;?)

[Mrs. Chicky]

When you get back please remember all of us little (itty bitty teeny weeny)people who were too shy to go and write a minute by minute entry so we can live vicariously through you.

[reluctant housewife]

Don't forget the little people when you get a hug from Dooce.

And if you do meet Mimi please send a picture!

[Motherhooduncensored]

PS

Thanks to MOM101 for the Lurker design.

I'm a photoshop ignoramus.

[Mom101]

I'm wearing a Dooce nametag and that's all there is to it. I considered going as Ariana Huffington but I'm having trouble with the accent.

Awesome post btw, as always. The hats are just great.

[MetroDad]

I'd love to go to BlogHer and meet you and all my other favorite female bloggers. Unfortunately, I don't think it would be a good idea. The wife would be insanely jealous. In fact, I wrote a post last year about having a male version of BlogHer (appropriately named BlogHim) but then realized that probably wouldn't work out either. Oh well...

[Hill]

Feeling suddenly vulnerable at my complete blog ignorance but...where are you going?

[mrsfortune]

I love that hat!!! And I agree with you, people should wear those shirts. And if you have a picture of your baby on your site you need to carry around a life-size replica.

[Mega Mom]

Um. Miss Popularity?

Is that you?

With over 57,000 hits according to www.blogtopsites.com (which I just happened upon yesterday and was VERY impressed)?

If I recall correctly a(self-described) nearly 6 foot tall half Asian?

Remember girl, you are the Freshman. The one all of the Seniors are jealous of because all of the guys are checking you out. You are the up-and-coming.

So basically either people are going to fall at your feet or ostracize you :)) If I can get myself there I'll make sure you don't drink alone. You'll drink with someone who has total anonymity.

[bridgermama]

So jealous! Hope you have an amazing time!

[Busy Mom]

This is too funny! If I were able to come to Blogher, I'd totally make a mask of my blog character and wear it!

[Izzy]

lololol...how funny! We're in sync. I posted my own social anxiety entry tonight. Don't worry, mine is very angsty and not at all funny so we won't be repeating each other ;-)

[Petite Mommy]

ok, I guess I'm one of the few not going to Blogher. If it wasn't half across the country (I'm in KY) then maybe I'd go.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'd be easy to find. Just look for the freakishly small person (about 4'9/85lbs)and you will find me, petite mommy...LOL... However, I'm not sure that too many people would be looking for me...

[Chase]

I'm totally going to Blogher this year. If YOU'RE a nobody going in, I'm going to be a super-duper-mega nobody. I'll be the one sitting alone at the bar handing out "Taste the World" stickers and crying when people say 'no thanks, lady'. Look for me - the lonesome girl with the running mascara.