Secret Agent Mom

There is a distinct chance that I may have stumbled upon something amazingly brilliant. Or it's just my post-pardum paranoia flaring up.

Let' s just say I think I have uncovered a secret government operative called Project Secret Agent Mom, and before I have to go into hiding or I'm taken away in a seatless white van and a straight jacket, I want to make sure the public knows what is going on before something goes terribly wrong.

It hit me today.

They're training us to be spies.

I know, right? Brilliant.

Think about it. Do you really think that anyone could torture us worse than anything we've already been through? What other person could endure labor, delivery, and early breastfeeding and still get up the next day and do it ALL OVER AGAIN? Seriously. Have you had a kid suck on your scabbed over nipple? THAT IS PAIN. Needles, knives, electric shock? Please. Don't mock me. Try watching 4 straight hours of the Muppets, reading the same fucking book 10 times a day, and answering the same damn question over and over again. THAT IS TORTURE.

Multitasking? Pshaw. Working a gun, cell-phone, and a sexy DG trench (of course) while driving a black BMW is nothing. Who else are they going to find that can do 5,000 things at once? I don't know  any other breed that can read a magazine, talk on the phone, and nurse a baby all while taking a shit. I could be sitting in another room writing a reasonably funny blog post and tell you exactly what everyone else is doing in the house without a fucking fancypants voice activated videospeakerphone thingy.

And let's face it. We are the masters of not talking. How many times have you been asked "how are you" and you painlessly respond "Fine thanks" when you really want to say "Well, I have a hemorrhoid the size of a prairie dog hanging off my asshole and I haven't slept in 4 days, but otherwise, I'm just peachy." That takes some fucking fortitude.

Or how about when the kid next to you at playgroup has a snot longer than a jumprope hanging from his nose and all you say is "Oh, excuse me, I think he needs a tissue." Suppressing the "Lady, wipe your fucking kid's nose off before I strangle him with his own snot string" takes uncanny willpower.

Don't forget sneaky. We are some sneaky bitches. I can get my kid to eat anything under the sun. "Here honey - GREEN MAC n' CHEESE! " or "I don't know why your apple sauce tastes like liver... must be the brand." And, I can hint the shit out of constipated bull. Just try me. My powers of manipulation are unmatched. And if all else fails, I give good head. Period.

Seriously, only a mom could handle the sight of any or all types of bodily fluids and still eat her extra large piece of double layered german chocolate cake. Hell, I could have a big old shit smudge on my hand and still use the other one to shove that dessert right in my mouth without even batting an eyelash. They don't call me the stomach of steel for nothing.

So look. Before you think all your sleepless nights, group bathroom sessions, and thankless work are all for naught, fear not. We will soon be rewarded with fancy electronic equipment and sexy black suits. This top secret government plan didn't fool me. I'm way too smart for those bastards.

Either that or I've just figured out that I'm a Mom.  And this is what I do.

Comments

[Julie]

That was AWESOME. Some much-needed perspective. Thank you.

[jaelithe]

Awesome. I want a Manolo Blahnik shoe phone.

Any woman who can muster the energy and humor to write something this good while living with a toddler in a cast must have superhuman powers. I nominate you for head spy.

[moxiemomma]

omg, this just delurked me. and killed me all at the same time. i LOVE this post!

[Her Bad Mother]

You need to get right on putting together a spec script for the producers of 'Alias' - what happens once Sydney Bristow becomes Spy Mommy...

[krista]

I was just about to poke my eyes out from lack of sleep and endless questions. I think the laughs you just gave me reaquianted me with a tiny piece of sanity. thank you.

[the weirdgirl]

Bwa ha ha! This was perfect; just what I needed to read this week.

They better hurry up and give me my car soon.

[The Aitch]

Absolutely hands down the bost tribute to moms post. ever...EVER..EVA!

Heres to at least hoping they reward us with at least jeans that don't accentuate our FUPA's and bras where the underwires don't stab our armpits.

[Undercover Angel]

That was too funny! I know what you mean about multi-tasking. It's amazing how skilled mom's are at that.

This was a great post! It really made my day.

[HeyMamma]

I Love You!

[Kristina]

That is the best tribute to mothers that i have ever read. It is great!

[Kristen]

Isn't it great that we can all commisserate together? And damn, I was going to put that whole fiasco with the naked/weirdly positioned guant. prisoners in there - like dude, that's nothing like having your whole naked post-birth crotch hanging out for ALL people to see... and we were VIDEOING it...

[redneckmommy]

Oh my god! I just laughed my Prairie Dog right out of his hole. You touched every momma issue I could think of. Too funny. Thanks, cuz I sure needed it!

[Dawn]

I told Mama Tulip that the children are specially trained in a Child Terrorist Jihad camp located in an undisclosed location in each of our uterus'. Therefore, when they emerge, they will have the exact tone to their cry which will make you 1) sweat and 2) want to punch their faces in and 3) lactate.

Mine is all "Can I have dessert" fifty fucking times a day. I have actually begun to cry as I explain to her that I don't want to yell at her, please just stop asking me about the dessert.

So Yeah. Bring it on, Guantanemo be-yatchs. I can assure you I ain't goin on no hunger strike. And I already shit with other people in the room, AND have my naked flesh poked with questions like "Why is your belly so squishy, Mama?" - sometimes While I am shitting.

[Nixie Knox]

That was priceless! I am laughing so hard STILL that I can barely type!!

[stacy]

I love this! and I think it's great that you ended on a positive. gives me hope!!

[amy]

I want the fancy electronics! ANd the sexy black suit!!

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

That was fucking funny. I'll take the gun. Their are few people I wouldn't mind assasinating.

[Emily]

Oh man...I haven't laughed this hard simply from reading something in a long time! Thanks for helping me burn a few of those pesky mommy calories! Oh man...I'm almost embarrased to admit that I could relate to just about every single scenario you spoke of! LMAO

[Beverlee]

Where I am at now with my kids (2 teens), its all about psychological torture. I'm hanging in!

[Petite Mommy]

You are one funny mommy! I kind of talked about something similar today on my blog but not even in the same league funny as yours...

[dazed]

My favorite part? I give good head. That's always my backup plan too.

This post rocks. I would like straight to it from my blog but I am not sure that all my family wants to read that I give good head.

That's why I never should have told them where my blog was. Stupid. Can't undo it!

[TB]

Dude, you are on fire today. I'm not even a mom and I found this hilarious.

[Jaime]

Just remember that all of our Secret Agent Mom sexy black suits will also be sporting spitup marks and crayon marks while we carry our cool electronics toys on one hip and our babies on the other!!!! :)

[Lisa B]

I think you are on to something.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Who the hell do you think you are that you can go through all that shit and still be so DAMN FUNNY?!
For once, the tears in my eyes are not because my child won't nap, won't eat, or won't stop whining... its because I'm laughing so hard. Thanks! I needed that.

[Jessica]

ROTFLMAO!! I think we might somehow be related, on the same wave length, leading parallel lives (could be another ploy of this top secret agency), or something...

Anyway, I don't even remember how I found your blog recently, but I've been reading it through bloglines for the past week or so.

Love your writing style and your sense of humor. Thanks for the laugh this morning :) I needed that!

[Kristen]

I'm going to have to agree...I want my sexy black suit!

[chelsie]

I, in the infantile stages of blog development, have been lurking around your stories for a week now, and feel the need to "come out," especially in light of the latest blog entry. You're hysterically funny!

[Mama! Mama! (Mel)]

Oh. My. This was so freaking funny. I am starting another shitty day and this really helped.
I hope you turn out to be right. I want a cool spy car.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, right? I have endured that for over eight years now. Go ahead, withhold food. Every time I have food anywhere near me, my 2 year old appears - "Mama, can I have some?" I haven't eaten a full meal in 2 years. I can take whatever they can throw at me.
You rock, Kristen.

[chelle]

hehe, sign me up!! I think you are on to something!

[Chase]

I'll never look at a prairie dog the same.

[Nancy]

I AM MOM, HERE ME ROAR!

(sorry for the yelling, your post made me feel all-powerful. I'm off to leap over a building in a single bound while carrying a load of laundry in one hand and a baby with a diaper blowout in the other...)

[stefanierj]

You have to stop--this is too funny.

D is actually having Quiet Time in his crib right now because he would NOT stop climbing on the arm of the futon. But hey, my triceps are looking very sweet from having to heft him from his death-defying climbs--take THAT, Mrs. Smith.

[Hill]

Um...can I just sign up for the sexy black suit??

[mama_tulip]

This is hysterical, because I think you're on to something. Julia's "thing" right now is to ask, "What time is it?" She asks me that about, oh, FIVE HUNDRED fucking times a day. Before that it was, "Who bought this for me?", and she asked me that about EVERYTHING. I said to my husband last night that when she starts asking me what time it is, it's worse than that water torture stuff.