I know that I have only been at this for 21 months, but I’m a pretty quick study. While I may not have any clue what the hell my daughter is saying half the time, or why she will eat a perfectly good piece of chicken one minute and then spit it out in 10,000 tiny chunks the next, I have learned the power of candy, bubbles, popsicles, and stickers – all four at the same time if necessary. I have figured out that putting her in time out on a fun “big person” chair with a direct view of the television doesn’t work for a punishment, but is a great way to get shit done around the house. And, I have concluded that DVDs are toddler crack of the very very good kind.
All those damn books talk non-stop about positive this and reinforcement that, but what about the stuff THAT REALLY FUCKING WORKS? So, I’ve taken matters into my own hands. Screw “the naughty spot.” All you ever needed to know about parenting was heckling you from behind or passing you a really stupid note. Yes. I sware. Third grade. So, this one goes out to all my peeps everywhere who are too embarrassed to say, “I’m a sucker and my kid eats ice cream for dinner sometimes.” Word to your slightly imperfect mother.
The Tattler ~ This parenting style is reminiscent of the bratty kid who stood around giving a play-by-play of all the fun yet terribly inappropriate stuff that was going on.
“Honey, the baby is spitting out all her food. At me. In my eye. Now on the floor. Oops, now smashing it into the carpet. Could you do something please? Maybe you should tell her to stop or something?”
No one likes a tattle-tale, now do they?
The Bully ~ Bullies make ridiculous threats that no one older than the age of 8 would believe, but yet they sound scary enough for you to shut your mouth and do what they say.
“If you don’t stop that, I’m going to take that Little People’s Village, hang it by the ceiling fan, and spin it around so many times that it will turn into Tupperware. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING TO YOU?”
The Nerdy Wimp ~ Do you remember the little kid that everyone took advantage of? You know, he sat alone at his desk eating his spinach quiche, juice spritzer, and sugarfree pineapple upsidedown cake all the while pushing his really huge glasses up his nose and reading the New Yorker.
“Okay. Have more cake. Ice cream. Lollipops. I don’t have any more money to give, but you can take my watch and car keys. You want to watch Girls Gone Wild? Sure. Let me just spit-shine the TV for you so you can see the large breasts more clearly.”
The Briber ~ I always liked the bribers. They could get crack from a crackhead – and all they had to say was, “I’ll be your best friend.” Un-fucking believable.
“When we get home, we’re going to watch all your favorite movies and eat ice cream. If you clean up your room, I will give you $10,000 dollars. Really. And you can spend it all on toys.”
The Bitch ~ Unlike the briber, the bitch was never really likable, but always very popular. She had 12 pairs of Dr. Scholls, a really cool Trapper Keeper, and a way to make you feel like the size of a small pea.
“No. You can’t eat that. Because I said so. That’s just how it is. I’m your mom. And what I say goes. That’s right. End of story. Buh-bye.”
The Clown ~ This poor kid always got in trouble for doing really stupid shit, like sticking an entire pencil up his nose, or eating an eraser. He was somewhat funny, but mostly annoying.
“Look. Mommy’s driving with no hands. Woo-hoo. Ooh look. Mommy’s head is between her legs. Peek-a-boo!”
Many have tried. Few have actually been successful at the “clowning to stop a toddler from screaming his guts out” act. Personally, I suggest “The Briber.”
So fess up people. I want to hear it. What’s your worst offense? I promise. The truth will set you free and we can all get a good laugh too.