Trojans Have Nothing on a Toddler Art Class

After enduring my first toddler art-together class, I have determined that condoms are clearly not the best form of birth control. Quite frankly, I would not be surprised if our poor sweet art teacher decided to never have children.

I know I'm coming off the cusp of writing about how mothers need to bond together and support one another in our choices. However, it's very hard to do that when you're surrounded by mothers who feel the need to lecture the art teacher about how their child is not shredding paper but rather engaging in developmentally appropriate paper cutting. Ack.

Or, the other mother who brought her 15-month old to a 2-4 year old art class and just let her dump an entire tray of paint on the floor while she gives a play by play of everything her other daughter is doing. However,  I was too distracted by her pairing of heels, jeans shorts, and banana clip to remember exactly what her daughter was doing with the "bright yellow paint that is now on the paintbrush, and now making a catepillar, and now on the floor..."

The only thing the class did for me, other than mesmerize my art-obsessed daughter for an hour, was remind me why people hate to be around mothers. Seriously, if I was stuck in a room with these ladies (oh, wait, I was), I would not want to hang out with a mom. Ever.

The developmentally appropriate mom was too busy using her blackberry to actually enjoy the class with her child. Hello. It's called ART-TOGETHER. Her excuse was that her child would only do stuff with someone else, NOT HER. That wasn't surprising to me considering the first thing she said to me after "hello" was "Don't look at him when he comes in or he won't come in the room. Didn't you hear me [I looked at him thinking she was joking and because when someone tells you not to look, um, you look]? I said not to look." Okay, I'm so not ever looking at your child. Yowsa.

The loud sportscaster mommy was clopping around after her 15-month old who was covered in paint while yelling at her other daughter that coloring did NOT mean painting (like you're going to tell a little girl she can't paint when EVERY other child in the room is painting...). She'd come over every now and then and tell my daughter that "daddy's going to LOVE that picture, isn't he?" My daughter just gave her the Go away loud lady stare that my polite smile was trying to say.

And me? I was sitting with my sweet daughter as she painted a glorious picture of a big purple blob.

Look. I know my daughter isn't two yet and everyone (all those really supportive mothers) tries to tell me that I have a rude awakening ahead of me. However, I like to think that my daughter, who still does have tantrums and fits, is inherently kind, gentle, and quietly brilliant. And while a crazy art class might be good birth control for some, it actually made me want to have more kids. And never see those mothers again... at least until next week, in the music class, that I teach. What's that thing about karma again?

Comments

[Chris]

Child art is weird, I swear. My kid paints the strangest things in school, lol.

[Lucinda]

You are totally making me think about the mother at my 15-year-old's soccer game yesterday who introduced herself to me, introduced her four-year-old to my two-year-old, and then promptly left to go chat with all the other moms while I was stuck watching BOTH kids on a nearby field.
Yeah, I thought about taking my two-year-old and heading back to the sidelines, but she was having so much fun with the four-year-old that I didn't want to. I had to content myself with glaring at the mom each time she glanced back at us from the sidelines...

Sorry. You set off a word association in me, or something.

[Liz]

Reading this post will keep me celibate for the next 6 months. Thank you for the BC.

[Izzy]

I'm pretty sure I've taken that same class with those same moms. Yeeeeeeuck!

[Michele]

I love the way you describe everyone. Please continue these stories from the front.

The people who try to *warn* me with their "just you wait until those boys start crawling/walking/talking/turn two then you will really have fun....", all seem to have one common thread. Their kids are brats. I think they are trying to put me in my place for having good kids.

[Lisa B]

Wow Banana clip, shorts and heels. Eeek.

There are some experiences I really don't want to be a part of (like these sorts of classes packed with pain-in-the-ass moms. BUt hey, it IS good blog fodder.

[Mom101]

BLINDED BY THE BANANA CLIP - The New Tell-All Memoir From Kristen C.

Wow, you have made me laugh and made me fear toddlerhood all at once. It's a rare woman that can do that!

[Kristen]

I would love to take a pic of banana clip lady, but alas, she is not in our class anymore.

And, I loathe naughty children with oblivious parents. Major pet peeve.

[sweatpantsmom]

Sounds painful. Perhaps that's the answer to effective birth control for high schoolers - make Toddler Art a required course.

[Sunshine Scribe]

Don't look at my child?!? Are you kidding me?

Your art class has the makings of a great sit com. Those women are almost cliche but I know you aren't kidding - I think we had their clones in our music class when my son was the same age.

They better not piss you off again and then park near you with their car running!!!

[cagey]

You had me at "banana clip".

For me, it's not the kids that bug me, it the mommies that say "no, no sweetie" in a sing-song voice as their two year old terror rips through the play area at 50 knots, biting everything in his/her path and screeching if anyone tries to halt him/her. Kids are kids. Bad parenting, however, has no excuse.

[Heather]

Bananna clips remain a mainstay of fashion at my work (most often at bail court, but regular criminal court as well), as are the high maintenance crackberry people. I've never been able to decide which is worse. I seriously heard the twilight zone theme when you described that mom. Who says "don't look at him"? Weird!

Your post was hilarous.

[Jenny]

"Don't look at my child"? Seriously? Wow.

You should have told her "No problem...but you're going to need to curtsey to my child and call her "Your royal highness" or else she bites everyone around her. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME!? BOW BEE-OTCH!!"

Ooh..sorry...lost my head.

[Mommy off the Record]

Oh, man, I haven't seen a banana clip in years. That alone cracked me up.

[Kristin]

I clearly remember a couple of sessions of "Paint, Paste and Pour" and while it was, for the most part, very sweet, there was always the mother who refused to accept the fact that there were 9 other children in the class... children who wanted access to the brushes and pitchers and glue that her little brat (um, child) was monopolizing. It didn't help that the teacher was invaribly some child-development student and didn't have the chops to smack down the more obnoxious mothers!!

[Pattie (Domesticator)]

Gee, that makes me want to run out and enroll my child in an art class....NOT!

[Melissa]

LMAO - That is why I stopped taking my kids to Gymboree. But I had two anyways. I knew my kids wouldn't be like those crazy kids.

[Andrea]

By the way, I've linked my blog post from today (April 24th) to your Open Letter post about the double parker. My site is being worked on but it's still possible to read today's post. I mainly just have broken sidebar links until construction is finished.

[Irene]

You know you're in MS when someone pairs "heels, jeans shorts, and [a] banana clip." And as far as the "terrible 2's" Nick isn't 2 yet, but he reached those terrible 2's a full 6 months early. Hopefully that means that it will end 6 months early. Happy parenting!

[Christina]

I worked in daycare for half a year, which was effective birth control for the next 5 years.

I've been wanting to try Cordy at some of these parent-toddler enrichment activities, but I worry about dealing with people like the ones you described. Then again, it is good blog fodder...

Do you have a camera phone? We seriously need a pic of the banana clip woman!

[Julie]

"Seriously, if I was stuck in a room with these ladies (oh, wait, I was), I would not want to hang out with a mom. Ever."

Too true. Painfully true.

[Her Bad Mother]

Like MetroDad, I'm intrigued about banana clip mom. Jeans shorts? Really? Next time, could you take pictures and blur the faces out?

But I'm also going to have to ditto Meredith about kind, gentle, brilliant children reflecting their mothers. Which is another good argument for having more, no?

All dittos today; Bad Mother is sapped of originality...

[J's Mommy]

I think you know your daughter best so if you believe she's brilliant, she probably is. And not every child goes through a terrible twosome stage ... at least what I hope otherwise I'm gonna be really pissed at my hubby for talking me into having another one!!

[Mayberry]

Bizeechik and Krista are right. We had no problem at all with two. Three was worse, but certainly not all-hell-all-the-time. Anyway, I try to enjoy the stage we're in, and not worry about the one that's coming. Because come to think of it, that would be pretty good birth control too.

[Jess R]

I'm with Meredith. :)

[tracey]

So funny, I just took my toddler to our first art-together class. i specifically didn't want "Edible Art"(we play with our food enough at home) so i signed up for something that sounded far more "arty" and dignified, "Preschhol Picasso". We walked in and there, all over the paper-covered floor was a bunch of bowls full of sweets and a bunch of plates full of frosting for them to make edible art. I'm so sorry for being an art-together mom snob but, I'm not really into my daughter spoon feeding herself frsoting at 10 in the morning AND the last time I checked, Picasso wasn't using the sugar stuff to create bright pink wafer cookie and marshmellow shanties.
As far as your daughter being the kind and gentle type, I don't doubt she'll keep that with her, two, three, four...my oldest has. Now, my youngest, she ran around that room like Beavis on a sugar high. But she's always been my wild child. Keep the faith Kristen-art class or no art class and frankly for me right now, I'm thinkin' NO art class. At least, not that one.

[joy]

oh MAN that sounds tortuous! (apart from the purple blob part) And hey--just because motherhood can be used as a way to politically unite for some, being a mother does not mean you automatically have a bond with other mothers. There are some fucking crazies out there. i love many of the parents at my son's daycare, but others are just bizzare or plain rude. and we thank these people for giving us something to gossip about.

[Meredith]

Kind, gentle, brilliant children reflect their kind, gentle, brilliant parents.

[MetroDad]

I can't get past the mental image of the woman in heels, jeans shorts, and a banana clip! I'm so intrigued. Did she have Farrah hair Did the heels match the banana clip? Was she wearing a rock-concert t-shirt? An inquiring mind wants to know!

[Bizeechik]

I LOVE little kid art!! I have several of my kids' "pieces" framed in my house. Not that anyone else would consider them "frame-worthy" but they are my kids "blobs" and I love them!

And, by the way, The Terrible Twos is a lie.

The 3s and 4s, well, those were another matter, much as I assume the 12s and 13s will be, someday! :)

Thanks for a great blog!!

[jozet]

My darling, what you have just described, I witness every day I work in the kids' section of the bookstore. I think I need to write a post about it later today.

But yes. To each his own, of course, but...*just shaking head*.

Come sit near me. We can paint purple blogs...I mean blobs... together.

[hill]

Imagining the "big Purple Blob" with charming nuances of lavender, violet and even some deep navy tones, for effect.

I'm right, no? Being your daughter, I can imgaine Q's art likely totally surpasses my own, even now, slightly pre-"terrible twos".

[mama_tulip]

Honestly? Two's been decent. I have a hard time buying in to the whole "Terrible Two's" theory. There are times when I feel like it's an excuse that some parents use in order to justify how their children are acting. Kids are kids and sometimes, you gotta let them be kids. I'm not saying it's cool if Little Jane is throwing fits every day, but I mean, I'm 28 and I still have the odd tantrum. You know?

[Andrea]

I so know what you mean about other mothers. When I'm outside my usual circle of friends, I'm appalled at some of the things I see mother's I don't know doing with/to their kids. It's amazing many people grow up well adjusted. I am the mother who is constantly hovering over my child making sure he doesn't haul off and smack another kid, steal a toy, or cut in front of someone in a line. Maybe I'm a little too much of a shadow, but it's just so hard to tell if what you're doing is right, while you're doing it. However, I'd rather be a little overprotective or overbearing than underinvolved. I can talk big on my own blog about not caring if other people agree with my parenting, but when in public, I still don't want to seem like a bad mom in ANY way.

[Nancy]

Ugh. I hear you. I think I would really enjoy the toddler and mom type classes if it weren't for the other parents.

Sounds like you and Q had fun though.

[krista]

AGH! I am frustrated just reading this.

Grrr...

Man, you try to do something to get out of a slump and THAT happens. Fuck.

The whole terrible two thing- what the hell is up with that anyway? People were waying that to me too when Aidan was under two. "Look out- those terrible twos!"

For the record, the "terrible twos" were fucking awesome. It was when he was three that he got a little more challenging, but anyway, that is neither here, nor there.

Blackberry developmentally appropriate mom sounds like a real treat. At least you'll get some good blog fodder out of these groups. Ha.

[chichimama]

Aren't group dynamics in the toddler world fun? I view it like going to work. You don't have much of a choice in the matter if you take classes. But it gives you plenty to dish and feel superior about at the dinner play by play at the end of the day....