I'm Ba-ack

After 5 longass wonderful days at our ocean view condo (mind you, I wasn't told it was ocean view thanks to Hurricane Dennis and Ivan - no wonder it was so damn cheap), I am back. It seems as though my guest posters kept the place reasonably clean, and other than the 14 new comments on my Mississippi posts from Jim-Bob, Barbara-Sue, and Clara-Anne (many thanks Mom-101), all is well with the world.

It turns out that our little abode on the rough seaweedy waters of the Gulf did indeed have wireless internet, so seeing as I was on vacation, I have been reading your blogs, however, I took a break from commenting. I figured that was a fair trade off. Needless to say, the love was spread thicker than the SPF 46 sunblock on my still slightly red ass cheeks and for those of you who kindly sent shouts-out (or is it shout-outs?) my way, I thank you. Your sentiments are shared - no doubt about it.

And now for the juicy stuff. I figured there's only one way I could approach a post on a vacation. So, as an academic through and through, here's what I have learned this past week:

1. Blueberry snow cones make for very interesting diaper changes, however don't be fooled. Teal blue shit is still just as stinky as brown - it just looks prettier. As far as poop goes, that is.

2. A toddler cutting 2-year molars and the word vacation with in-laws whose idea of playing includes a remote control and dvd are not synonymous. In fact, they shouldn't even be in the same sentence.

3. Giraffes have very long stinky blue tongues. I know this because while my husband and FIL played golf, I got to go here. Weehoo. Not.

4. Apparently, my daughter is now a card carrying member of the talking club, as recently confirmed by her telling me "pretty shoes, mama." That was followed shortly thereafter by "bitch bitch." It seems I will need to save my use of expletives for this here blog.

5. My in-laws still maintain their "only when medically necessary" diaper change policy, of which I now subscribe - for them that is. I figure, that's what nursing homes are for, right? Karma's a bitch.

6. The fear of my MIL discovering my blog were put to rest when she knowingly told me that "blobs are so last year." Blobs indeed.

7. Sand sucks, particularly when you have to scrape it out of every nook and cranny in your daughter's nether regions while she says "vagina vagina vagina vagina" at the top of her lungs.

8. It seems as though someone told my MIL that my daughter did not have enough 65-35 poly/cotton Elmo and Zoe shirts for this upcoming summer season - seeing as they breathe so well and all.

9. There's a reason why I don't go to Chinese Buffets. Apparently just because they suck ass and I don't like to pick the remaining life out of 142 Alaskan Crab Legs ever in this lifetime is not good enough. 

10. Even though tensions were high for more hours than I care to think about, my daughter enjoyed her time with her grandparents, as evidenced by her cries for "More Dee-Dee" after we dropped them off at the airport. I bet that's the first time anyone has ever said that. EVER.

11. DVD players are truly a gift from the Lord. I bow down to our copy of Lady and the Tramp and my trusty laptop. Praise to you oh saver of my sanity.

12. And finally, it has been made apparent to me that either those people think I have absolutely no sex or that I have so much that I would never need any type of sexy lubricant, because I was left off the list for the KY Warming Jelly. However, I must be sending off the message that I am a suckyass housecleaner because I was sent a lovely bottle of Chlorox Anywhere. I have no idea what that is, but if all else fails, my daughter can always play shoot the dogs with it or something. (heh).

It's good to be back people.

Comments

[becky]

i know this is a couple YEARS old, but I just read it and realized where you vacationed (Zoo link clue) is my home. Sorry you didnt enjoy it here. Maybe if the In-laws didnt come....keep blobbing!

[dana]

I know this post was written a long time ago...but I'm going to die laughing. My old friend Carmen things I "blob" as well. I just can't stop the laughter.

[Di]

never posted on a blog before but... my upcoming first vacation with in-laws at the beach after 24 yrs of marriage is frightening me to death. Husb is not close to family at all, my kids are 12 and 10, don't get along with cousins, some of his family barely speak to each other..so why are we going? As a vacation for the kids to the beach, obligation as they are aging and asked us to do this...I'm not sure...not lookin forward to criticism and taking orders at my age. You have helped me try to see the humor in attempting to do this, perhaps I can prepare better for this "vacation" by journaling my anticipated fears and then how it really pans out.

[Petite Mommy]

Welcome back! I just got back from vacation at the beach too with my in-laws! It's a good thing that I actually like mine.

[abogada]

Great post. Thanks for the laugh.

[Lucinda]

No surprise that I DIDN'T get the KY (WTF) and DID get the Clorox Anywhere spray, too!!

Uh. Glad the "vacation's" over. :)

[Irene]

Holy Cow! Your in-laws change diapers? Mine don't get near the kids' diapers and I don't talk to the MIL about *well* much of anything. She's very hard of hearing and I get tired of saying the same thing over and over and over . . . Glad you're back!

[Becki]

There is just no good way to get sand off of, or worse, out of, a toddler.

Glad you're back, 'cause I love reading this blob.

[Jenn]

welcome back! it's always heartening to hear stories of people successfully surviving the in-laws... :D

[Nancy]

Welcome back! I missed your presence in the blob world.

But now I'm a bit nervous about my upcoming extended family vacation. Ah well, if nothing else, it will be good blog fodder.

[Her Bad Mother]

#6 - If my MIL said that, I would assume that she'd discovered me and that she was zinging me.

#7 - As I was lovingly reminded some weeks ago (http://badladies.blogspot.com/2006/04/vagina-dialogues.html), it's VULVA.

You're back. You had some great ladies holding up the fort here but. You. Were. MISSED.

(What has happened to me that I miss the virtual presence of somebody? There's a thesis on virtual intimacy and the postmodern condition in there somewhere.)

[mrsmogul]

I'm scared to use KY...I dunno..it just reminds me that I'm some sort of wooden vase that needs glue to be fixed...I tried to email your web designer because I would love her to do my blog...I love your new look!

[Mom of Sweetie]

You had me at teal blue shit. I really should reconsider my blogname. I've been reading your bloggity-blog for some time now. And of course when I decide to leave a comment there's four-hundred-thousand who came before me. However do you keep up?

I also loved number 7. Because toddlers innately know to sing operatic about their genetalia to the world. Gotta love 'em!

[Becki]

Oh, yeah--toddler + moisture that always attends toddler + sand = little breaded toddler cutlet. At least the sand wasn't stuck to her with blue poop. I hope.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Hey, welcome back. We missed you.

No KY for me either, but the Clorox is on its way. Sigh.

[Suebob]

My ma calls it a blob, too. But she is 80, so I cut her some slack.

I agree with the comment that vacations with inlaws are not vacations.

I can't believe how many hits I got from the comment I made on one of your guest posts. I linked to the post where I peed my pants. It is amazing how many people want to read about other people peeing their pants!

[Wendy Boucher]

Welcome back. I've vacationed with inlaws before and lived to tell about it. Congratulations.

[Heidi]

Glad you're back!

[Binky]

I spent half my honeymoon with my in-laws, if you can believe that. Luckily, my in-laws are fantastic people, but still...it was my honeymoon. I mean, our honeymoon. Anyway, welcome back.

[tracey]

Man, I missed you.

Your post was just what I needed to remind me that vacations aren't always vacations and it's not so bad being here at home cleaning the sand from my daughter's nether regions in the comfort of my own bathroom.

Vagina vagina vagina indeed!

[jozet]

Welcome back!

Ah yes, sand in the nether regions. This and this alone is reason enough for me to stay off the beach.

[J's Mommy]

Welcome back. Ain't it good to be home? I love the part about your daughter yelling "vagina" at the top of her lungs. Sounds like my little girl. She loves to announce to everyone, "daddy has a penis!"

[Mommy off the Record]

I have to commend you. A whole week with the MIL and still you're able to make us laugh!

[Melissa]

Welcome back. Kids always like the old people, especially ones who give them gifts. It is like they know that this will be the one who send loud toys at Christmas. SO they have to like them.

Don't feel bad, I got left of the list for the KY mist crap too. You think it might have something to do with me calling it crap?

[Busy Mom]

Welcome back!

[katbliss]

Vacation and in-laws should never be mentioned in the same blob.

[TB]

Welcome back to the blob world. And you can have my KY warming liquid. I'm allergic, which I found out the hard way.

[nonlineargirl]

Um, I am a bit concerned with the proximity of the words "sex" and "clorox anywhere". No matter how desperate you get, I'm pretty sure that "anywhere" is not to be taken literally.

And given that at least a few people were confused about the guest posters and seemed to think that we were all you, it could be that the good folks at clorox just read my post and want you to get with the germ-free program. Sorry about that.

[lildb]

thank goodness for having the blob outlet to turn to, lest you should have otherwise been forced to eat enough blueberry snow cones to gain admittance to the giraffe pen and pretend to be one of them.

'cause yikes, who wants to hang out with stinky-blue-tongued giraffes, rather than blobbing?!?! right? right?

[stella]

#10 rocks.

that was awesome. perfect.

[Kristina]

Welcome back. clorox anywhere ROCKS. It is a non-toxic sanitizer for hard surfaces. Can be used near kids and pets and does not cause any chemical reactions. In fact, you can even spray it around open food.

BTW- going away with in-laws in not a vacation. It is the REASON people NEED vacations.

[Kristen]

Welcome back! Sorry FL wasn't kind to you!

[Redneck mommy]

Won't it be great fun when #5 actually happens? I keep telling my parents the same thing.

Glad you're back. Because I missed your blobbing.

[Mom101]

Welcome back to your blob!

[Chag]

Welcome back! Vacation with the in-laws is always fun-fun-fun!

[Mrs. Davis]

Welcome back! I think you deserve another vacation - alone - after that.

[Izzy]

I didn't know your in-laws were going.

Yeesh!

Welcome back, indeed!

[joy]

welcome back to the world of Blobbing! (this has started a new trend, y'know).

[radmama]

Oh, is it ever good to have you back!

Ah, fond memories of sand in the vulvas of toddlers... not.

[Andrea]

Loved the nursing home comment. I stupidly gave my in-laws my site address when I started it, thinking it was just going to be updates about my son and funny things that happened to us. Now, if I have a rant about them, I can't do it on my "blob" because they might read it. Though I think they have yet to read a single post. I'm still careful what I say because I think my sister-in-law reads occasionally. You're lucky they don't know your URL and think blobs are so last year. Ha!

[MetroDad]

Welcome back, Kristen! We missed ya.

[Jenny]

Welcome back!

Vagina, vagina, vagina...hey, it's catchy.

[Kvetch]

Oh and it is good to have you back, you amazing BLOBBER, you!

[krista]

Good to have you back!

Aah I missed you. That was a great laugh. Number 10- Haha, you really better hope she doesn't find your BLOB.

[Anne Glamore]

I didn't get the KY either. I have enough Clorox!

[mama_tulip]

Yes, I feel the same way about DVD players and Lady and the Tramp.

Glad you're back.

[christina_the_wench]

#7 was my favorite. "Vagina, vagina, vagina"
Laughed my ass off 'cause of course, my daughters have done the same thing to me.
New to your blog - love it. Will be back. =)

[Pattie]

My in-laws still maintain their "only when medically necessary" diaper change policy, of which I now subscribe - for them that is. I figure, that's what nursing homes are for, right?
I am rolling on the floor right now...