The Serious Business of Greeting Cards

Little did I know that I married into a family of serious card givers. At Christmas, you get $2000 worth of gifts and a stocking full of tic tacs, magazines, and chapstick. For real. But, any other holiday (birthday, mother's day, father's day, or halloween), you get a card.

Don't get too excited. It's literally a card. No money. No gift cards. Not even a coupon for a free burger at McDonalds. In fact, you don't even get a nice handwritten birthday message. Because, duh, that's what the meaningful poetry inside the card is for.

At first I thought it was funny. Like, seriously, I get a card signed "mom and dad" and they spend $3.95 plus postage to mail that to me. And it's not like it's even a Hallmark card. No no. It's an American Greetings or a Tender Moments card. Pshaw. Who sends those anyway? And better, while they sware they spend countless hours searching for that really expresses their true feelings, quite frankly, all I ever end up with is one of two cards that say "Daughter-in-law" - just in case I forgot how I was related to them.

But then I realized that they don't fuck around. If you don't send a card, forget it. You are up "shit's crick" (as they like to say). It doesn't matter if you sent a bouquet of flowers or a nice shirt. They don't care about that crap. They want a card. A $2 Thomas Kinkade special with some sappy message about how thankful we are for their presence in our lives. No joke. And you don't even need to write anything but "Kristen and Doug" (except that he actually needs to sign it - hello. No stand-in signing allowed) because, as you already know, the card should say everything for you.

So, it took me a few tries to figure out that they weren't kidding around. I sent a small gift, a bouquet of flowers, and an e-card *gasp*. And then my husband got chewed out and relayed the lovely message back to me. The only time we got out of it was when we sent an online gift certificate (the ultimate SIN) but I had just had a miscarriage, so they let it slide. It still bit us in the ass anyway because we had to spend 2 hours on the phone explaining how to use it.

But the good wife that I am, I finally conceded. Now I stop at Rite-aid, buy a 99 cent job, sign my signature (and fake his), and send it off not even "with love." And then I save the money for Christmas, when god forbid we arrive with less than 4 gifts per person. At least then we don't need to give a card.

Comments

[Reality Checkn In ~ Hello]

I have worked for and with the devil and can tell you first hand that the Hallmark company no longer values their employees or customers. The old man who started this with values and a moral compass is long dead. They produce a card at @2cents and cell it for almost $5.00 even on their charitable RED collection they charge $five and only donate 40cents at best. Every holiday the cards have to be removed from the shelves to be scanned out and then promptly placed in a locked trash dumpster. No recycle bin, no soldiers in combat, no old folks home or school or even religious organization can make use of them. I have had cancer orgs ask for product as award gifts but Hallmark says NO. I make minimum wage as p/t employee and they give me 15 hours a week to do a 40 hr a week job. Fast or slow you are ridden until you quit so they can bring in the next monkey. Buy cards that support local artists/community and that actually mean something. Hallmark is NOT a family company anymore. They absolutely are NOT environmental friendly or a woman first place to work. All full time jobs are now in China and many long term staff have been let go with no notice. Women are the primary buyers please use your buying power to take this money grubbing mean giant down.

[yummymummy]

I love buying cards and spend ages reading the message to make sure it says what I want! I cant buy a card with a message I think is not true.

I am also a culprit of saving all my cards but i have recentley tried to cull my collection by just keeping ones from my direct family (I still have loads though!). I think they are a nice memory - whilst culling I found cards made by my brother and sister 10 years ago to my husband for his birthday - they are now 19 and hes 30 and we had a great laugh looking at them!

My Mum uses her old cards to make new ones which saves money and helps the environment!

My MIL does not really do cards as she is so disorganised. I get a blank card with a strange picture and it annoys me that she did not take the time to get a nice one!

I found this site searching the net for a GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER card to send from my son but can I find one? NOOOOOOO! Very disapointed but going to make one with his handprints in paint - youve inspired me!

[sarah elise stauffer]

I actually make greeting cards.

[Nichole]

Well, Michele, I don't know about you but I place all my family's cards on a special altar, and say a prayer in front of them every day before the holiday that they were sent for!

My in-laws are the very same. What bugs me is when my MIL is sending the card, writing the "greeting" (which always ends up being a guilt trip of some kind), and signing her husband's name...but then has the nerve to use return address labels that say "Bill Poooopie" -- not "Mr. and Mrs. Poooopie" -- when "Mr. Poooopie" didn't even look at the card before it was sent. (Names were edited, of course.)

Now I feel inspired to write a blog about this, too!! Yay!

[Lauren]

I found the weirdest thing (okay, not _the weirdest_ thing, but still) about my ILs is that they cap off their Christmas morning with a card exchange. As though the tons of gifts and happy times together weren't enough to say how much we all love each other, here's a card where Hallmark said it better. Strange.

[Wendy Boucher]

I think we must have married into the same family! Gasp. Hi SIL.

[antiquemommy]

The last comment I posted took me to a very strange site, so I'm going to try this again...

[Tater and Tot]

I think that we should start a new trend. What if we only send cards that have nothing to do with the person or the occasion. If it's truly the thought that counts, then sending a birthday card to your mother that says "Good Luck on Your Knee Surgery", "To My Favorite Uncle", or "Thanks for Being a Great Hostess" really shouldn't matter. I think that my new mission may be to find the most obscure cards to send to friends and family! If my family-in-law didn't think that I was crazy before, this should help to put any doubts to rest!!

[Andrea]

My husband's family isn't all that militant about cards, but they have this very weird ability to make you feel guilty for not maintaining the status quo. They all get each other cards, and if I have forgotten someone in the mass of families to get cards for, there are no words exchanged, just looks. Anyone left out searches for their card and assumes it's "lost" if they can't find it. The worst one for this is my grandmother-in-law. Our nephew, on her birthday, wanted to pass her gifts to her, but he dropped my card and it slid under the fridge. I was frantic because I KNEW I'D GOTTEN A CARD! I didn't want on of the "lost" comments (though in that case, it would've been true) and when we finally found it, I was so relieved. I truly can't believe how much I worried about that damn card until we found it. But I just can't stand the guilt (maybe that's the recovering Catholic in me) so I'll spend $3 on a card (but no more, because it is just paper) just so I can sleep at night.

[Jen]

My family is a HUGE card-giving family as well - I can relate. My in-laws aren't (thank God), it's just on my side. For Mother's Day, I just spent about $50 on cards, including postage. We have 5 generations of women, so I have to buy cards for all the mothers, step-mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, great-great-grandmothers, and godmothers, from myself and from my daughter. And they all have to be mailed - they can't be hand delivered. (We all live within 8 miles of each other, so I'll see all of these women on Sunday.)

Oh, and if I can't find a great-grandmother card from an adult (I'm 29, she's 97), it's obvious that I "didn't try hard enough." Never mind that they only print like six a year, and if I don't snag one the day after Easter, I'm S.O.L.

Oh, it felt good to get that out... Ahhh... I have card issues...

[Her Bad Mother]

Posting frenzy from you over the last 24 hours... can't keep up... (but love the all-Kristen-all-the-time blog channel. Keep the fixes coming.)

I like cards, but only if they're personalized in some way. Otherwise, it's just a piece of paper. Like getting valentines, back in the school days, that weren't personalized (or was that just me?)

The best example of weird-ass card giving came from my stepfather's parents one year - a Xmas card to my husband and I, that read "Merry Xmas to Catherine and ?"

Nice. Heartfelt.

[Jenn]

And here we just spent oodles of time nitpicking over at least 10 years' worth of cards - and both our families are card-a-holics. We turfed bags and bags of cards signed "mom & dad" or "fred & ethel" (and we have no idea who fred and ethel are...). No date, no sentiment, no photos. Nice at the time, truly, but 10 years later? Who cares?

But I still send out cards like crazy. (and Mr.Q is forced to sign)

[daddy in a strange land]

My wife says she didn't write thank-you cards till she got together with me, 'cause I was raised to have a pack of cards ready to go the day after a birthday or Christmas. The weird thing is, once we got married and had a house and household of our own, my parents started expecting me to send them a thank-you card, which I had never done before. Guess it was the whole "not under their roof anymore" thing... But they still call or e-mail to remind me when a relative's birthday or anniversary is coming up--so I can buy and send a card. :)

[Nancy]

I really like cards -- sending as well as receiving -- but I certainly don't expect everyone to send them to me on my birthday and get offended if they don't (cause not everyone is into cards like me). I do have an agreement with my hubby, though -- we generally do cards for birthdays, even if we don't do anything else. And we pick out goofy cards to give from the kids and/or cats. It's kind of like our form of entertainment.

[wordgirl]

My mom's way of letting her niece know that she's "miffed" at her is to purposely NOT send said niece an Easter card. Since everyone knows that my mother sends cards for every event--large and small--the absence thereof can only mean that my mother is either angry or dead.

[Mom101]

I know it's supposed to be the thought that counts, but, uh...where's the thought in writing your name on a folded piece of cardstock with a tree printed on it and sending it?

This might just inspire my own post. we have a weird greeting card tradition in my own family.

[Kristin]

i'm kind of a hater of cards... my daughter does enjoy cutting them up with her fiskar safety scissors, but really, they don't move me much beyond that...

i am the woman who writes the "to" & "from" right on the wrapping paper (or, & let's be real, the gift bag).

[Mrs. Chicky]

Your husband's family and my family sound like the same group of people. In her 12 short months on earth my daughter has received no less than 10 cards in the mail and God knows how many others attached to Christmas and Birthday gifts(and Easter and Valentines Day and...). It kills me to throw away these cards, its like throwing $2.50 in the trash every time I toss one in the garbage.

[Emma]

My mother in law also sends me cards just signed with her name, for every Hallmark holiday imaginable. As long as I recycle them, I reckon I don't have to feel guilty about the dozens of trees being felled to satisfy her lust for corny greeting cards.

[Mommy off the Record]

Too funny that they care that much about greeting cards! Sometimes understanding the in-laws is like learning a whole new language.

[kvetch]

I miss sending and receiving cards! I was Queen of Hallmark back in the day, now I roll my eyes if someone sends me one...I wonder why they bothered...especially if there is no personal note. I've gotten somewhat cynical with age. :-P

[Carolyn]

Our family has a policy of editing greeting cards prior to delivering them to their final destination. I am more fond of this tradition than I am our annual wiffle ball game, golf outing, and christmas eve booze fest.

I love your new header!

[Christina]

My family always sends cards for everything. My grandmother is the Queen of Guilt-Card sending, though. She sends a card, and nearly always includes a newspaper clipping in it. It's either an article about finding a better job (for my husband), about raising a child properly (for me), or about the importance of spending time with your family (to shame both of us).

I dare you to send your in-laws a Happy Masturbation Month card!

[Latte Man]

Not only do our parents have this habbit... My wife and her sister's are all obsessed with it as well.

The only saving grace is that they FINALLY stopped putting confetti IN the cards.

It was like some sort of insane contest. We were pulling some tiny confetti out of our carpet once for almost a year!

[fidget]

i buy cards ALL TEH TIME, i think it's left over brainwashing from when I worked at hallmark. I send cards... almost NEVER. SOmewhere between thinking it's perfect for so and so and the actual act of addressing, stamping and (gasp) mailing said card we have a break down.

[sweatpantsmom]

My daughters make all of our cards. The adults love getting them, of course, because they're so *CUUUTE!* and I'm off the hook since I forget to buy one 99% of the time.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

Who knew there was so much going on about the damn greeting cards?

I want to say I'm not against cards in general, however I prefer ones that actually have WRITING by the person in them - like write a little note.

And for real, who doesn't want a PRESENT over a CARD?

"No - I'm sorry - don't give me that nice shirt - all I want is a card."

I want the shit - no crappy cards here please.

[Izzy]

Cards are nice and all but they're kind of a racket. Hallmark and all of them are getting rich off this kind of guilt/extortion...lol

[Kristi]

You part of my family in some way? My mom, is the SAME. It is all about the card. Oh, and don't throw them away cuz when she dies, "I can go back to the cards for comfort." Are you kidding me? I throw them away, but with a tinge of guilt.
I HATE GREETING CARDS! But that reminds me, I need to get to the store today to spend an hour picking out the perfect Mothers Day card to send all my heartfelt wishes. God forbid I actually use my own words.

[mama_tulip]

My mom had a slight card/postcard obsession. I am still using cards that she had -- for every ocassion -- and she's been dead for almost four years.

[Lisa B]

PS, everytime I see your banner, I want a damn candy bar. Especially today since I've only eatten Special K and salad. Ahhhh!

[Lisa B]

I love sending cards but I'm not a crazy like that!

Inlaws are always entertaining. They also always make good blog material, yes?

[Melissa]

My step-mother is the same way. But I know for a fact that she signs my dads name. Love, dad. Like my dad would have written love. HAHAHA, glad it is not just me.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Thomas Kincade. Priceless. Oy to the vey.

[urban child bride]

My in-laws don't believe in cards. Actually, they don't believe in holidays. When I asked the Mister what he was getting his mother for Mother's Day, he said their family didn't "do" Mother's Day.

[Kristen]

Hey, at least they only expect a card, and not some ridiculously expensive gift, LOL!

I'm glad I don't belong to a family like that because I can NEVER "remember the card." LOL. I don't see the point. It's a piece of paper with words and maybe a picture that you're going to throw away in a month or so anyway!

[Michele]

Aaarggh! I married into a "card family" too. But for them, it HAS to be Hallmark and you have to use the stupid "gold crown" seals on the envelope.
They send them for major holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, and they send them early "so you have time to enjoy it" - just what do they think we DO with the cards once we get them...?

The gift car deal is a nice trade-off. I will gladly trade you for one of my identical, 3rd in a series old lady wallets my MIL has taken to giving me, any day.

[tracey]

Wait until little girl makes her own cards for them. That'll shake things up. Give it a try and see what they say. If you get grief about that, then I'll start seriously questioning your in-laws.

[nonlineargirl]

I don't know if any card would ever leave my house if I had to actually get Chris's signature first.

[JChase]

I forgot to say, on the other hand, I do have to admit that I've saved pretty much every card I've ever gotten throughout my entire life (well, my mother saved them when I was young, and I continued the process). And I've even organized them according to occassion for the card.

But that's just because I'm insane.

But at least I know that! :)

[JChase]

I'm so bad at remembering to get greeting cards. Half the time I get them, I forget I have them and send them late. Thankfully, my family isn't too rigid about it...probably because there are certain people I KNOW to send cards to. And my family is so big, I'd be sending cards on a daily basis anyway. Now "Thank You" notes are another matter entirely...

[Emily]

I'm a recovering greeting card junkie...at one point in my life I had a filing cabinet full of cards I had bought so when an occasion arose I could whip out the perfect pre-printed sentiment...
My family thought I was freaking insane.

[Amy]

What is that? My husb's family is the same! All these cards that you just throw away! Ugh. He's the same about having to sign it so I also buy the cheapest piece of crap I can find and fake his signature. You would think I'd be happy to not have to buy presents but I'm not. Cards are lame.

[dear wife]

Oh no my MIL is the best. She saves up random newspaper clippings and informational brochures (often in Danish) and then sends them to you randomly throughout the year, but her own son'd birthday, does that even warrant a phone call, nah.

[Jess R]

I'm kind of a card whore, but they have to be weird cards you find in head shops. You know, the ones with old black and white photos on the front and some bizarre yet hilarious message inside.

But I do send my grandmas the nice, flowery ones you buy at Hallmark. Because they're probably not into weird head shop cards.

[mothergoosemouse]

Oh good god. I know my MIL does the same damn thing, but she even puts lots of thought into the closing. My former SIL clued me in that when MIL signs the card "Lovingly" that means she's pissed off.

I rarely bother with cards. Like you said - $3.95, and for WHAT?

[jozet]

I didn't get around to sending Christmas cards this year. I think I'm out of the will.

And lol on signing your husband's signature! My mom used to always sign my dad's checks with his name, and one time he tried to cash a check at the bank himself, and the teller told him that she couldn't cash it because it wasn't his signature.

[something blue]

Oh nothing tops my inlaws! My FIL will give a christmas card addressed ONLY to my husband and doesn't write on the card at all. (So that we can reuse it?)

My MIL thinks I'm foolishly spending all her son's money if I send her a card with some photos of her grandchildren.

There is no winning with Hallmark moments.

[TB]

Jeff's parents do the SAME thing. I just know his mom spends half an hour reading all the cards to make sure she finds just the right sentiment. Me on the other hand, I think card verses are usually stupid and cliche so I buy blank cards and write my own message. You can see this does not go over well with the inlaws.

[Redneck mommy]

Oh how I wish I was in your shoes. My lovely inlaws don't believe in cards... No, they much prefer to go to the dollar store or some equally crappy discount place, grab a basket and fill it up. All with lovely shit that reminded them of you.

And if, when they come to your house, they don't find their tacky crap proudly displayed, they guilt trip you and tell you money doesn't grow on trees, and how when they purchased that lovely piece of plastic crap, they were thinking of you, and don't you love us anymore???

Love the cards chicky, it could be worse...

[krista]

I get cheesy cards from my parenst sometimes that totally make me laugh. Like why did they even bother I wonder? What am I going to do with a card that has a puppy on the front that says happy birthday or whatever on it.

Odd. Odd indeed.

Handmade cards, however. Love those.

[Kelly]

Factory Card Outlet (I don't know if they have them in your state?) sells decent cards for $0.49. I have gone in there on card emergency days when all I have is the change (pennies etc.) that accumulates in the bottom of my purse and purchased a perfectly servicable card.