I'm Not Talking About Your South, I'm Talking About Mine

It seems the web meanies (or blogtards) have been making their rounds. Even with my posts on popping butts and kid leashes, both of which I was able to include porno pictures (always my favorite way to piss-off the random visitor), I haven't really gotten hit that hard. Granted, I have been called judgmental (for which, I hate to break it to you people, I AM), and a *gasp* yankee (again, TOTALLY a YANKEE - remember us, abolished slavery?), but really, it's been pretty tame.

However, it seems the posts on the South seem to get under peoples' skin. And sure, I get it. You are not all idiots drinking lemonade on your beat up porch with 14 dogs and a washing machine sitting on bricks. I get that. But, I'm not talking about your South people. I'm talking about mine. And mine deserves to get bashed. Hard.

Here's what this brilliant commenter, ironically named "bumblefuck" had to say about my post on Mississippi:

Yes, you live in the middle of fucking nowhere. I take it from the swift glance of your blog that your job has some connection with Mississippi State. If you must drive through Reform, you're on Highway 15, and I'm guessing you live in either Louisville or Ackerman. I'm from MS (yes, I know the abbreviation) and I went to school at MSU, but my hometown is nowhere near that area. You say Mississippi sucks but you really are in the worst part of the state. Your blog should be called "Why This Area of Mississippi Sucks." Every state has its good parts and bad parts. You just happen to live in the bad part. I suggest you explore the state a little more. Jackson and it's suburbs offer more of the east-coast jive that you crave (though I gather all you really want is somewhere to shop), and north MS is pretty "up-to-date," as is the coast (pre-Katrina). I love it when people come from big yankee cities to MS and complain about how much it sucks.

So, let me just say this dear bumblefuck. Not only did you incorrectly guess where I live, but you also mistakenly pointed out that my part of the state is "up-to-date." I won't go into how I still got offered an enema and shave at my birth, or how I had to stay in the general medical wing of the hospital because they only had 2 labor and delivery suites that you had to, in fact, pay extra for - not because they were awesomely fancy, but because they had more room.

If they are so up-to-date, why, when I finally found a store that carried Jumbo Shells did the manager of the store say "Wow, thems is really big macaronis."? Or when I asked for soy milk in my coffee, the lovely barista (that's being generous) asked me what animal that came from.

And for the record, it is obvious to me that you have never been outside of Mississippi because no one in their right mind would ever say that suburbs of any town in this state (even Oxford or Jackson) has an east-coast jive. That's seriously insulting the east coast - and while there may be shit trashy areas of New Jersey, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts that would make anyone cry for their mother, I can assure that NONE of them are as bad as your not-so-fair state, regardless of how great the suburbs of your capital city may be.

Since you are quite uncertain as to what an east coast jive actually is, let me take this moment to enlighten you:

Drive the fucking speed limit, finish a sentence in less than an hour, and don't call me maam. I'm sure you can come up with something a bit more creative. Or then again, maybe not.

Comments

[Momof2chocdivas]

Ok I just stumbled upon your blog and I love this post! I am a Yankee living in Alabama. I must say everyone is nice but I still don't feel like I belong because I am a Yankee. I get the feeling that they are still bitter about losing the Civil War?! And being outspoken is not a Lady like characteristic to have when living in the South as I have experienced. Oh well.......

[Heather]

ROFLMFAO..... I get so much enjoyment from reading these blogs. Although my husband and I are here in MS for a while we have chose to maintain permanent residency in Oregon. This allows us to have cheaper car insurance, because Oregonians don't drive like a bunch of fucking maniacs, unlike Mississippians. It also saves us a heap of money on licensing our car. I hate MS with a passion. I only wish I could just convince my parents to get out of this shit hole. I can't even enjoy going outside because of the extreme heat and humidity and the bugs that try to eat me alive.

[Maureen]

Sorry to be commenting so long after this post, but I just came across your blog. I'm a native midwesterner and lived in South Carolina for over a decade. True story: a friend of mine went to one of the local chain grocery stores, and asked a young man stocking shelves where he might find barley. The young man looked puzzled for a moment, and then replied, "I don't believe he's working today."

[You are truley an Idiot!]

Are you fucking serious? Get a life! Oh but I guess this IS your life! People like you, bitching and making assumptions about people as a whole based on an experience in one part of a state, are the reason there is so much hate in this world. It's sad knowing that people like you have multiplied! This was emailed to me from a friend, who was quite enraged and offended. You are the types our mothers warned us about. Always downing somebody else, to make yourselves look better! Glad to NOT know you. Go back to "No personality-ville" and find something else to bitch about!

[Sacred]

RIGHT THE FUCK ON, GIRLFRIEND. MISSISSIPPI IS HELL ON EARTH.Glad to have found your blog. I live in Mississippi, only for one more month. I'm biracial and the best thing growing up here has given me is great material for a book. People say I'm stuck up, judgemental. And I say as long as I live here, this will be true. Stupid friggin Rednecks.

[Mel]

I'm living in Oxford via Little Rock...I'm a southern girl born and bred and I use my manners like I was taught. But I get what you're saying. For some reason, I haven't been hypnotized by Oxford's "charm". I don't love it here. I don't understand how they can pronounce Marquis Chevron as MarKUS Cheveron. And how I live in La-FAY-ette county and not Lafayette. And how they pronounce Laughter Street--Lauder. Yes. Lauder.

I don't understand why they say Ole Miss is the Harvard of the South. I've talked to these kids and trust me, there's a reason they go to Ole Miss...and there's a reason this "Harvard of the South" isn't an Ivy League school.

Glad I found your blog. This will be a fun read.

[BCJ]

I can really say that I know how easy it is to hate Mississippi. I grew up in the same area that you live in. I lived there for 30 years. By the grace of God, I was smart enough to realize that I had to run like hell and get far far away. I now live in New York City. I believe my hatred for the place ranks at the top of the scale. I grew up in your south. I grew up in a town that STILL has separate proms- one for the "whites" & one for the "blacks". There is no place on Earth worse than a small southern town. See? I really do know. I think "bumblefuck" is stupid. Yes, Biloxi may be a little cool...wait. Let me guess. Did bumblefuck also go to Panama City (or any of the other really jive crap holes around there) for his/her graduation trip? Does bumblefuck HATE ole miss just b/c he/she went to MSU, and for no other reason? Does bumblefuck's family get judged if they aren't sitting in the baptist church on sunday? Yeah, I thought so. I just typed and deleted "this sounds harsh", but it is all truth. While I do support your opinions (& forward your page to all of my friends) I do think you make it sound like everyone from there is stupid and ignorant. That is just not true. People say that everyone in the south is stupid. Well, everyone from NY is rude. Right? While it is VERY true that NY has some very rude people, there are still some great people that live here. The same goes for MS. Yes, I agree, MS has some damn stupid people, but that is not the case for everyone. Anyway, why keep bitching about it? Just fucking leave. I have sent your "why MS sucks" page to all of my friends. Everyone agrees. Can your smarts not get you anywhere better than scum filled, back woods, BFE Mississippi?

[West Coast]

Well, we're taught MANNERS here in the West, too. Sometimes we don't even ALL-CAPS them! :) Manners are really not just a Southern thing. Also, thank God, the doctors out here seem to be able to deliver healthy babies without enemas, shaves, and other archaic practices. Yikes.

[Daily Piglet]

Good for you!! I love this piece, "Drive the fucking speed limit, finish a sentence in less than an hour, and don't call me maam."

People that are haters need lots of help. I mean why get rustled up over something that's read on a blog for God's sake? Too many variables.

I am from and currently live in the South, but where you are sounds horrible. I hope you get rescued soon :)

[sassybelle]

I am from the south and we are taught MANNERS here. It is a show of respect to say maam. The man was respectfully letting you know he was talking to you. Would you rather the man call you woman? I can hear it now..."Hey woman, look at me woman!" hehehehe

As far as the shave and enema comment, being a southern nurse, I can assure you that there are still some doctors that require a woman's perineum (the area between the vagina and the rectum)shaved. This is done incase an episiotomy has to be performed to eliminate tearing. Some doctors believe that having a "hair free area" helps eliminate chance of infection to the sutured area.

The enema is given to help cut down on embarrassing/unsanitary messiness that can sometimes be expelled during transitions while the baby is making its decent into the birth canal and while the woman is pushing. Since fecal material is home to many organisms, some doctors feel it is best to cut down on undue contamination to the baby; however, studies suggest that even after enemas, women sometimes still expel feces and it does not really cause harm to the baby. I think that now doctors would only want to give an enema to a woman attempting a VBAC(vaginal birth after having a c-section) or a scheduled c-section. This would eliminate any intestinal blockages due to the amount of time that passes before peristalsis returns.(you can hear bowels sounds again and pass gas)

Shave and enemas are given upon doctors orders and each doctor has his/her own preferences. All woman should talk with her doctor to find out his standing orders before delivery. Contrary to some beliefs, most doctors do listen to their patients and honor their request if they choose against being shaved or having an enema.

[wordgirl]

Well...I'm from Texas and parts of this state don't sound much better. Someone actually asked which animal gives soy milk? Unbelievable!

[jen]

LMFAO!
I am from New Jersey...now living in the PAC NW...and let me tell you...it took some time for me to adjust to life out here.
I talk tooooo fast...I walk toooooo fast...I am always thinking of THE.NEXT.THING (or so my hubby tells me)...I drive tooooo fast...I say FUCK toooo much...and my sarcasm is never appreciated.
I love it here now...but let me tell you...it took some friggin time.
I have been to the South...LOTS of times and all I can remember is driving down to SC to go surfing and getting pulled over by a "good ol' boy" and him saying to my very long haired boyfriend at the time "What you damn yankees doin so far from home? Are you some damn hippy...boooyyyyy?"
Yeah...nice...

[Blah Blah]

If you hate MS so much, why don't you leave? I'm not anywhere near that area, thankfully I live north of the Mason Dixon line, but your whiney-ass and arrogance is so 2001. I think you like being a big fish in a little pond because if you lived anywhere else -- someplace that didn't suck ass, you would hardly garner your "I hate the south. I'm so above all this. I'm so cool", implied persona. Go to the west coast or the east coast or even a big, metropolitan city inbetween and find some new material, material that has aspirations of at least graduating high school. Honestly, from what little I know of you, I think you've been there too long.

[fidget]

i really really REALLY hope you told that chick that soy milk comes from a Llama.. or emu - either would be priceless! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Latte Man]

I think this is so easily summed up by Lewis Black, when he said, "Nobody has ever said, I got a vacation coming, what I need is 2 weeks in Biloxi"

:)

[Mom101]

I've spent an entire lifetime hearing how much my beloved NYC sucks from people like bumblefuck. After a three-day whirlwind guided tour of Times Square, the Hard Rock Cafe, the sardine can known as the ferry to Ellis Island, and back to back performances of Beauty and the Beast and Titanic: The Musical--they deem NY loud, rude, smelly and crowded. "Oh it's fine to visit but I'd NEVER live there." Guess what? New Yorkers don't live any of the places you went either. You might know that if you had met even one New Yorker while you were here. I think the people you're talking about are the visiting Ohioans.

I think after however many months you've lived in a place, MS (Hey, I know the abbreviation too!) or otherwise, you are entitled to make judgments about it. Just my humble opinion.

[kyra]

oh dear. i live in rhode island and certainly NOT in a *jive* portion of the state but, what does THAT mean? would it BE jive if we all sported colorful knit hats year round and purple faux leather sport coats??!! have you seen starsky and hutch anywhere? maybe they could tell me about the *jive* section of this east coast town.

i feel for you, i do i do!!! i hope you don't have to stay there long!!

[Kim]

Great Post! I am laughing so hard! I feel for you and know exactly where youre coming from!

Im a East Coast girl who was moved to Missouri (Misery!)a few yrs ago thanks to dh wanting to live near his family! It has taken me three long yrs to talk him into moving back to NY! And I cant freaking wait to get out of this "Crap Hole" of America!

I recall the first time I went to the grocery and the cashier said "Would ya like ASAK mam?" "Huh,What?" "ASAK mam, would ya like a plastic SAK or a paper SAK?", "Oh BAG! Yes, I would thanks!" Am I the only one who thinks of big harry balls when I hear sak?!

[Kristen]

Wow- I'd have to say that Bumblefuck probably should have made sure he/she wasn't "one of them" before trying to prove you wrong. Jive? What is this, the fucking 70's? Oh wait, that's where you say they're stuck, right?

P.S. A shave and an enema? Holy shit. It IS the 70's.

[Melissa]

I was born in Mississippi. My dad was in the Air Force. We left before I turned 1.

My mother, she called Mississippi the ARMPIT OF AMERICA.

And really? An enema and a shave? Holy hell.

[Nancy]

Heh. I like seeing you riled up. ;-)

And I love me thems big macaronis.

[mama_tulip]

I kinda want to come to the South now and check it out, you know, 'cause this post has made me all curious n' shit.

[Redneck mommy]

Oh dear. Your Bumblefuck sounds just like my hillbilly neighbor. Who would have thunk that there are two of those nut jobs out there.

But way to let 'em have it. You have a nice day Ma'am, and enjoy thems really big macaroni's!

[Her Bad Mother]

You (snap) go (snap) girl (snap snap snap).

Whoops. I meant *you go ma'am.*

[Blog Antagonist]

If it helps, I get you. I've been in the South almost 20 years now (I know, I must be insane) and I've come to appreciate a great many things about it. But I still shake my head at quite a few things, and they are things that are particular to the South. When you make posts about the South, I just nod ruefully to myself.

I don't know why people get so het up about comments for or against a geographical location. I get cracks all the time about being from Wisconsin, and it doesn't really bother me. And I can be objective about the climate, the people, and the prejudices without letting it affect my love for it.

Blogtards will always find something to bitch about. If it wasn't your posts about the South, it would be something else. Screw 'em.

[Emily]

Do people even still really say "jive"?

Seriously....

[something blue]

Oh gee, you gone done ruined my romanticized vision of y'all skinny dipping in the pond and drinking Mint Juleps.

[Kvetch]

Let it go...but thanks for sharing. East coast jive? I can't even get it in my midwestern Mayberry!

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

Damn, girl! You're cute when you're angry and your nose gets all crinkly and your fingers get all sassafrass (is that southern?) and well, i'll take your word for it because i have never been to the south before. i must say, i always thought ma'am was kind of a nice southern-hospitality thing but i may be wrong, after all... aren't blowjobs and anal sex illegal in MS or am I off a state?

P.S. Dude? What's wrong with a free shave? And an enema aka FREE COLONICS!? ROCK AND FUCKING ROLE. We have to pay big bucks for that shit here. (heh heh)

[dutch from sweet juniper]

I am all for embracing one's judgmental-ism. this was very funny, but then again I don't have to live among Mississippians.

[joy]

but you took them up on the enema and free brazilian, right? right?

bumblefuck. *who* choses bumblefuck as their username? A fucking bumblefuck, that's who.

[Arwen]

The people who think there is an east coast jive in MS actually mean that the mall has an Abercrombie & Fitch. I live in a great town in the south but are surrounded by towns with some remarkably antedeluvian beliefs.

[mothergoosemouse]

Yo bumblefuck, you think the COAST is "up-to-date"? Dude, there's a REASON why they call it the Redneck Riviera. I spent the longest three months of my life in Biloxi. If you dig smarmy casinos and blatant segregation, then be my guest. But don't ever compare that armpit with my beloved east coast.

[surcie]

I live in a great Southern beach town on the East Coast. There's a lot about the South to love--really! But I know exactly what you're talking about. And I feel for you. I can't imagine living somewhere I hated.

[Melissa]

Too fucking funny. What kind of animal is that? I love it. Screw the, wait what did you call them... oh blogtards. I really like that term. Great rebuttle.

[Izzy]

You had me spitting my afternoon coffee at "east coast jive."

I had no idea there was such a thing...rofl

Sincerely,
Another East Coast Jiver stuck in Hell

[lildb]

Batteries... those may come in "handy," as it is masturbation month, and thanks for spreading the awareness, http://izzymom.com/

Your neighbors sound like fun. I want to live there! Nothing gets me more amped than the thought of playing the mouth organ and sitting on my lawn furniture/washing machine, watching the dogs try to kill one another and laffin'.

whee-hew!

[Andrea]

I've been to Jackson and it's suburbs for my job, and there is NOTHING east coast about it! I read that and almost spit my soup onto my keyboard. BF is just someone who, like you said, has never been outside Mississippi. But I have to disagree with you on one point. When I was a kid, I thought of Mississippi often when I was spelling it in a sing-songy way. I still do that while typing it. Now I think of Mississippi with dread because I have to go there once a year for my job. Near Jackson. Where there is NO vibe of any kind, let alone east coast.

[Binky]

My town would be full of rednecks if the sun let loose its fiery rays for more than two months out of the year. But I have reason to believe that our pasty white trailer park dwellers would be every bit as impressed with them big macaronis as your neighbors.

[stefanierj]

I love making people all defensive about where they live/come from. Of course, I'm a transplanted Southerner, so the way I get people fired up here is to note how many *more* "Kinfedrit" flags I see in PA versus NC, where I'm from. And who knew "Nawtheners" would get so cranky when you refer to them as "Yankees?" Of course, I freaked the first time someone referred to me as "Miss" rather than "Ma'am," so I'm not really one to talk.

Love the post!

[Pattie]

Ouch. I've never been to MS. I am a Rhode Islander and I love it here...soon to be a Southerner..(NC)
"Them's sure is big macaroni's"...crack me up!

[Jaime]

That is hysterical!!! Dont forget about the 10 cars sprinkled through the yards among the washing machines! And bricks---come on---bricks are too nice. Go for cinder blocks--they hold the machines up better!! :)

[Jess R]

I love your east-coast jive. Also, I love your new candy masthead!

"Wow, thems is really big macaronis." Oh my goodness. I almost feel guilty laughing at that. lol Reminds me of how people in my own lovely state say things like: "Did you get them cut?" in reference to a haircut, or "irregardless." Or "Youse" for "you."

[katbliss]

That was too funny... can't wait to see the trolls of ol'Miss come out from the woodworks on this one!

[Chase]

Heheheheh!! Honey, you need to come to Oklahoma. Talk about fodder!

[Snickrsnack Katie]

I am choking on my lunch right now - seriously, the people in the offices adjacent to me are probably wondering what is so funny. GOD you hit the nail on the HEAD! I am from Pennsylvania - granted, a middle-of-nowhere part of PA - but when I moved to the south I was blindsided. I live in Houston, Texas, but let me tell you I was floored when I visited some towns in East Texas. And Louisiana, for the love of GOD, those people don't speak anything remotely close to English. As for Mississippi, my sister and her husband drove through the state on their way to Pennsylvania at Thanksgiving, and they were literally afraid to stop at a rest stop. He is of Hispanic origin and she is white, and they were afraid the Klan might come after them.

As for the ass trolls, screw them. I have had my fair share, too, and in the end, the only purpose they serve is comic relief.

[Lisa B]

Your rabbit post was hysterical. I laughed so hard I have tears in my eyes...

oh and I'm am totally all about the pimping of products I love! I need to send you the address of the e-mail I check daily...

[Lucinda]

As a southerner, let me just say I'm totally with ya on this one!

[marnie]

And this is the reason that I read your blog every day!

Have to go clean my monitor - Coffee/Spit/Laughter incident...

[Jen R]

Oh my God...do I know what you are talking about. I had to go to a Christmas party with my husband in Arkansas as part of "company rounds" (two hours south of Little Rock..it's hell)...and I "made the mistake" of making fun of our trip to the middle of nowhere.

I lost several blog readers and some took it very personally and left some nasty comments...even though they didn't even live in that state!

[Cyndi]

rotflmao!!!!!!!

best post ever. :)

[MetroDad]

Too funny, Kristen. Sometimes I have no idea how seriously to believe your hilariously sarcastic attitude about the South. 14 dogs and a washing machine sitting on bricks? What kind of animal does soy milk come from? Really? Personally, I've always thought the true measure of determining the redneckness of any Southerner is by counting the number of velvet paintings in his house or the number of trashed AMC Pacers in his backyard. But then again, what do I know?

[Karen]

Hea-yuh, hea-yuh.

(I'll take Fall River anyday...)

[Christina]

You know, after reading all of that, I now appreciate Ohio so much more.

A shave and an enema? Dear god, are they still in the Stone Age?

[Rhonda]

Some people sure do piss me off :)

[Sunshine Scribe]

Can I just say, I like you when you are mad.

You tell em!

Seriously, your sarcasm cracks me up. And you are able to get a Canuck (who has never been to Mississipi or claim to know about the east-coast vibe) to be nodding in agreement.