How Do You Raise a No-Limit Child in a World of Limits?

Lest my blogging book-a-long cohorts thought I was using my book as a door stop, I figured I had better post something and fast. I have to admit that reading Wayne Dyer's book has been a little rough, coming off an enjoyable jaunt through David Sedaris' Naked, however, I agreed to do it and damnit, I'm going to do it.

So, if you're not familiar with the book here's the jist: How the hell do you raise non-dysfunctional, anxiety free children? Apparently, Wayne Dyer knows how. So, you have to admit, pretty good selling point. I mean, let's face it. Who sets out to raise co-dependent, Xanax popping kids? Um, not me. Sure, a little dysfunction never hurt anyone and frankly, it gives me a hell of a lot of blog fodder and great fuel for a novel or book. However, it's not what I hope for when it comes to my own daughter.

With that in mind, I embraced the book with a reasonably open arms. And considering it took me a good 4 days to get past the fact that he referred to an ORIENTAL GIRL (um, hello...okay, old book, I got that), it's really not that bad, that is if you want to feel like your child's total and utter sane existence (which you already sort of knew already) rests solely upon your shoulders. And I'm only on Chapter 3.

It all makes sense. Hell, I'm a therapist, so I should know all this shit by now anyway. But basically, you have got to live a no-limit, anxiety free life - thus modeling such behaviors and actions for your child. You need to take risks, laugh at the prospect of failure, and openly accept the world and what it brings you. And then you have to not do about 29 different things that can cause major issues in your child's psyche.

My beef with it. It's a little overwhelming for any average well-intentioned parent, let alone an overachiever psychology type like me. And everything is "don't" - don't tell them not to try something that you don't like just because you don't like it. Or don't tell them that they are going to fail before they even try it. And any good psych person will know that "don'ts" are actually a "don't;" really, everything should be phrased in the positive.

While he does give several positive suggestions, for the most part, I felt guilty and anxious after reading it- and although I have upped my game with my daughter thanks to his suggestions, I still feel as though it's just a little much for any one person to swallow.

And here's the bigger issue. His concept of no-limits are inspiring, but how do you raise a no-limit child in a world full of limits? - you know, where getting ahead, being number one, and achieving the highest level of whatever you do is paramount. And so, if YOU raise your child to be a life-long, innate learner, one who cares about living life rather than achieving it, how can they compete in a world that is extremely far from that without isolating them or hiding them in an underground bunker? I mean, the book is from the 80s - and I wonder, if he wrote a revision, what would he say now considering kids are taking advanced classes in preschool and SAT prep programs in junior high?

Perhaps the answers are just beyond what I've read so far. And until I read the rest of the book, please share your thoughts. What do you think about this?

*I'm happy to do a book trade with anyone after I'm done this one. Have a good read I'd like? Email me. Also, I'm looking for "The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars..." and I'll trade you Warner's Perfect Madness for it. Let me know.

Comments

[mothergoosemouse]

something blue - you wrote my comment. Word for word.

[Nancy]

I guess I am already biased toward the book because it sounds like such a black-and-white view (all the "don'ts", the "no limits" philosophy.) Maybe it's just my interpretation of how it sounds, but I KNOW I have issues and that I have hangups, and I'd rather not focus on feeling like I have to mask/downplay those in order to model the corect behaviors for my kids. I'd really like my kids to understand that we are all human, we will make mistakes, we should try hard but we might fail -- and that's all OK.

[Francesca]

I have had a similar reaction to the book (as you can see from my blogabook post about it). I have yet to put my finger on exactly why I end up so irritated at the well-meaning Mr. Dyer, but perhaps that "don't" thing is at the root. I feel castigated, upbraided and weighed down, but not encouraged or inspired to do better.

In fact, I have two main reactions: one is a sort of slightly bored, yah, yah, been there, heard that, fine; the second is a howl of unbelief when yet again he exhorts me to be the sort of person who can, through her shining example, allow her children to grow up neurosis free.

Boo hiss to Mr. Dyer. I do better out of Mr. Rogers. Or indeed, ten minutes with a box of Trader Joe's Mint Chocolates and a Robin Hobb novel.

[Jaime]

Kristen: I have the Mommy Wars book for ya!!! I have a few more essasys to read in it and I would be more than glad to trade!!! Its an interesting read. Hopefully I will be able to post my own essay soon after finishing the book!!! Email me!!

[Stefanie]

I could send you Sippy Cups are not For Chardonnay. It's the anti advice book designed to make you feel better not more overwhelmed. Let me know if you want it.

[something blue]

Most self-help books give me the willies. There are too many factors in life for a book to reach out and be correct for everyone.

A child's nature will determine if they are adventurous or cautious. There are many children that are the complete opposite of their parents.

We are responsible for teaching our children right from wrong and to encourage them to go after everything they desire. I hope to be able to teach my children that it is best to live life to the fullest with no regrets.

[Mommy off the Record]

I also like the idea of the importance of modeling behaviors for your child. It sounds like such a simple (and "no duh") kinda concept, but I think it is so important. In my own life, I have realized that the things that I've struggled with (shyness, fear, insecurity) have come, in large part I think, from the modeling of my own mother.

(Um, hey, before I go any farther on this particular tangent...Kristen, are you available for a personal one-on-one therapy session offline?)

Anyway, on to your question, which is a good one. "How do you raise a no-limit child in a world full of limits?"

I think that "getting ahead, being number one" etc. is paramount to some people, but not to everyone. For me, I hope to raise a no limit child by showing them that happiness will not come from other people's validation (sure SOME of your happiness will), but I think true happiness will come from inside of yourself, when you look at your life and you are at peace with how you are living it. So I guess I'm less worried about my kid getting into Yale than I am about him finding a passion and loving what he does.

I don't know if I answered your question, but I think this comment is going to break my record for the longest one EVER so I am quitting. Now. :)

[dear wife]

Wow I think I will have to pick up this book. it sounds like the parenting stle I hope to enact. As the child of a worry wart I can attest to the negative effects it has on your child.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I think it's not so much positive as it is utopian and slightly unrealistic.

I mean, so how do you not tell your child "be careful" or "don't do that you'll fall or hurt yourself" - (one of his no-nos) - I mean, I know you have to use your own judgment, but still, experiencing everything on their own is just not feasible.

And my main gripe is that it's old - society has changed since the 80s - you look at the whole sputnik deal. It changed EVERYTHING in terms of education.

Our kids are forced to focus on college and their future way too early and so, if they don't do that, they'll be looked upon (in many cases) as being behind the learning curve when really - they're above average and just plain typical (or whatever used to be typical).

[Melissa]

I don't think there is one book that gets it all right. Or any book for that matter. And I agree with whoever said it already, if it gives you anxiety, toss it aside. It's not a race. Whoever has the perfect child does not win. The best we can do it try to raise them as well as we can. Don't worry about her being dysfunctional. That is the job of her therapist later. Ok kidding, just kidding.

Really, every kid is different and every book will tell you something different. Just try to find the balance that works for you and for her.

[Izzy]

I'm reading it, too, and though I totally GET his points, they're a bit overwhelming. It's a lot to take in.

But..."oriental girl" references notwithstanding, I think the book has an overall positive vibe and if I ever manage to retain any of it, I think it could be beneficial.

[Brad Munson]

I had the ... privilege? ... of hosting an author signing with Dyer many years ago, back when he was PULLING YOUR OWN STRINGS. Never met a more unpleasant and uptight author in my life, so his books since then have had a remarkable non-effect on me. Still: loved the comments, and agree wtih 'em all. Really enjoy the blog ...

Brad

[Lisa B]

That books sounds like it will just make me feel more guilty about what I do and don't do. I grew up Catholic. I don't need any more guilt. heehee. But let me know how the next book is...

[Andrea]

Okay, the book scares me just from your description. I already heap enough guilt and "don't" on myself in a day, so while I'm all for learning how to live more carefree, I don't know if reading a book that induces those feelings is such a good idea, for me anyway. And I hate reading a book and having to pick through the good advice from the negative. I realize they all have advice that benefit everyone differently.

It sounds complicated, and while I'm not shying away from complicated when it comes to raising my child, I don't know if reading a book that might make me MORE anxious, while touting a less anxious existence, will really help.

Thanks for the insight though. I'm curious other peoples' takes on the whole thing.

[krista]

Oh my god. I said "buun" instead of "been"

figures.

[krista]

You know what? It has been a challenge for me reading this book too, and blogging about it. It is n't light and fun the way Sedaris must have buun (I love him).

I think Dyer could be more gentle on the readers, without making the readers feel like their behaviour alone shapes the future of their child's psyche. I think he exaggarates our importance to some extent. Possibly, that is why I feel so anxious after finishing a chapter.

On the other hand, sometimes feeling guilty for things you are not doing well, propels you into change. Sometimes the idea that the way you parent makes THAT MUCH of a difference makes you slow down and parent more consciously. At least, this has been the case with me.

The worst part are the psychological pay offs for continuing the negative behaviours. I HATE when I see myself in some of those.

With this book- your beefs are my beefs friend. I feel your pain reading this thing. Haha. But I am glad to hear that you've upped your game with your daughter from some of the stuff you've picked up from reading the book.

[Sunshine Scribe]

Hmm I tend to think any books that make you feel guilty or neurotic aren't all that healthy. But I do love the concept of raising your child in this spirit and I agree with the modelling behaviours thing.

The problem is I am a scaredy cat about somethings and I know my son sees that. I know it would be good for me to change it and now I realize (duh?) it would be good for him to.

It is always good to read info that opens your mind to know appraoches but ORIENTAL GIRL ... not sure I'd have gotten past that one. An updated version is clearly needed.

[Petite Mommy]

I was just getting ready to order this book and after what you have said about it I think I will go ahead and do it. While I like the ideas of this book, I had no idea it was written in the 80s. So it seems like this book is more about changing who you are first. The 29 things sounds scary though...