Owning Up

I realize now that I spent my entire first 6 months of my daughter's life pretending like I didn't choose to have her. Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter with every single breath I have. And always will. But, given all the hard times I had at the beginning, I guess it made me feel better to think that since she was a "surprise," I should get more sympathy for all the sleepless days and nights, green sludge poo, and general overwhelm.

Lame, right?

I'm pretty sure I asked myself "Why would anyone ever choose to do this?" about 10,000 times. I mean, seriously, who chooses to push an infant out their crotch, lose all semblance of life as they know it, and gain a certain level of anxiety, uncertainty, and on many days, utter confustion and frustration? I guess I thought I was owed something because I hadn't really chosen it.

"It chose you," I told myself. "You're just along for the ride."

But lately, I've come to realize that I indeed made a choice. You know, to have unprotected sex (gasp), keep the baby, get married, and stay home. And I'm generally not one to complain - in fact, I loathe those folks who complain about things they themselves chose. *ahem*

Hello hypocrite. How's it hanging?

And so, I have come to the conclusion that the only way to move forward, make positive change, and live an existence that would make me and my daughter proud (you know, a happy, fun one, without negativity, and an ungrateful spirit), is to own my choices - to say "I did, in fact, choose this life that I have right now, and no matter how much it overwhelms me, challenges me, and tests the limits of everything that I have, I CHOSE IT."

That doesn't mean I'm not going to bitch about living in Mississippi. Or complain that I don't have any friends. I mean, hello. How boring would my blog be? (rhetorical there).

But, it does mean that I'm going to be a little more proactive in engaging myself in my own life, instead of watching it go by and writing about it. And in doing so, I think it will allow me to be more comfortable with my new self and my new life.

And most importantly, it shows my daughter the power of choice, and how that right is hers to grasp and utilize for her own good - and the good of others.

Comments

[mo-wo]

so what are you pregnant again or something???? philosophical to the ump-teenth degree there, lady.

[Stefanie]

I keep hearing about your blog and I think I comment once but this definitely warrants a response. I am 39 years old and my baby is 19 months. I got preggo with her at 37 and although she wasn't unplanned, she wasn't totally planned. I'd just gotten married and we decided "what the hell" let's see what happens. What happened was we got pregnant immediately. Even at my ripe old age and with all the fun I've had, having a baby was the hugest hurdle I've ever had to face. As a woman used to working in a fun, intense field of TV writing, staying home felt like being in jail. Many times I thought of just saying fuck it and taking a job with a lot of hours but I didn't. Although, I did write a book but I was still home and isolated while doing it. I also had terrible role models as parents and I think that added plenty to the anxiety level. But isn't it amazing that through the toughest times we learn the most about ourselves? I came to realize the limitations of my mother, the profound effect that my father's abandonment had on me and through an antidepressant (a few of them) seem to have reached a much better existance than I think I even had before. Although I still want to work and will do it. But not out of fear. Anyway, your blog is great and I will keep reading!

[Undercover Angel]

Out of my four children, only my third son was a surprise. I was on the pill and we were using condoms as well at the time because I was on medication for bronchitis and we were afraid the medication might affect the effectiveness of the pill...

I have always tried to spend as little time worry about things as possible, and as much time watching them, and seeing the world through their eyes as possible.

Your daughter may not have been in your original plans but she is what you chose and that's what really matters...

[Nancy]

I like this. our girls were planned, but it's still a nice way to look at life -- to own up to all the pieces/parts and live it rather than watching it float by.

Thank you, wise woman.

[nessia the groovy_mommy]

Well, I might be one kind to choose having a baby...

I knew all the consequences yet I did it anyway...

Why?

I need her, I need someone to cuddle, I need someone to love with all my heart.

Anyway, it doesn't mean that I don't scream out any complains once in a while... :D

Yet, the lovely groovy daddy is such a generous man when it comes to giving time for me so I can take a little rest, just a tiny moment to feel my self not only as a mother but as a woman, only as a woman.

I think that's how I keep my sanity...

[Kristen]

Way to go! Leah wasn't really a suprise so much as 2 young people (23 and 21) deciding "Hey, now's a great time to have a baby!" and not thinking the money part through. LOL. But boy am I glad we didn't think things through.

[Bobita]

I have had 3 (yes, THREE) accidents. Apparently, my husband and I simply breathe in one another's direction...and we become pregnant.

Then, I read Christine Northrup, among others...and realized how very deeply I chose all 3 (yes, THREE) of my little hooligans.

So, much like you have suggested...I can live my life believing that I am Karma's bitch...or I can relish the choices that I have made!!

I guess that makes me pro-choice!
:)

[J's Mommy]

Good for you. In fact, I'm going to follow your lead and do the same!

[Her Bad Mother]

YES. yes yes yes yes.

Can't be empowered unless you choose to be. Which means, owning all of your choices. Good or bad. And claiming responsibility for them, and power over and through them.

You rock.

[sweatpantsmom]

Absolutely - the power of choice is a valuable concept.

We've been using this with our daughters, when they're upset with friends (which is often) or us (which is even more often) - we tell them, "No one is making you feel upset. How are you choosing to feel?"

I'm not sure if it's sunk into their little brains, yet, but it's a start.

[Melissa]

I know I always say this, but I am with Mom-101. She steals my thoughts. That brat. ;)

Good for you girl. Keep writing about it though, it helps.

Hey, can't you just move? Maybe to LA? LOL.

[Izzy]

Sometimes you have to go around the block to get next door. Enjoy your new life :)

[petite mommy]

Our son #2 was a huge surprise to us and I wasn't ready for it. I was finishing up my degree and had other plans. I'm so thankful on how it all turned out though because I like my life better now and I dont think things would have turned out the way they did had I not gotten pregnant again.

This is a great post and I love how you wrote it. I think of my choices alot too.

[jaelithe]

Hey, I had a surprise baby too. It does cause a feeling of severe interruption. Sometimes I think about the things I'd planned to do that I've missed out on, and it gets me down. But then I look at my son and realize that THIS child, this one here, that I love so much-- this was the ONLY opportunity I had to have this child. If I'd waited even one day to conceive him, let alone years, he would have been someone else. And I'm so happy he's here.

I am glad you are coming to terms with your situation in a positive way. It sounds like dealing with the sudden change in lifestyle has been harder on you than it was on me. And t's been pretty hard on me!

[Cyndi]

I love how your different posts go from making me laugh till I pee to making me cry. :)

[tracey]

I like how you're talkin' here sister. I think there's a big fat lesson for all of us here.
So let's toast to acknowledging and honoring our choices.
Bottoms up.

[the weirdgirl]

Good for you! It sounds scary to "face" everything, but funny thing, once you start doing it it's suddenly a lot easier to let go of all the little shit that piles up everyday. You wouldn't think it would work that way, but it does.

Also, letting go of what I can't control... that's a big one too.

[joy]

go K! i would also cut yourself some slack because with all the changes that came so rapidly, and all the choices piled on top of each other in such a short time--of COURSE you were overwhelmed and felt like you were on a rollercoaster as opposed to a planned tour. So now you can breath. Finally.
and that's true for all of us--even those who "planned" on the kids. I planned on mine, and his arrival and the mayhem it caused was still a complete shock. (let me confess off my own blog, I resented the SHIT out of my kid those first 6 months. Primal Love. Extreme Dislike. Now I feel like I suffocate him with how much I adore him)
A move, a marriage, the loss of my immediate support network--I would be the same, and I like you I tend to make the best of situations.
I am glad you feel in a better place now--and even when you lose it sometimes, this is still something your daughter will learn from--especially if you overcome it.

Man, I wish I lived nearer.

[Lisa B]

I think you're on to something really fantastic here. Yeay YOu!

[Mom101]

This is such a great revelation, K. Good for you.

I think with all the difficulties you had conceiving and all, it's possible that writing this off is a defense mechanism: If you don't love her too much she can't hurt you. That'll be $10 please. (Thanks, Psych 101 class)

Remember, even if you didn't choose her, she chose you. I find something comforting in that.

[Dee Dee]

This is a fantastic post. I have been having a hard time with choosing to be a SAHM. I am going a little insane with this decision but do not regret it in the least. I have recently made the decision to be thankful that I am able to stay home, albeit money tight once in a while, and try to not complain as much that the kids take too much time, the house is a mess, etc. I should try to play with them more and still be able to get the house cleaned and all of the errands run. It will also be nice to put any of Hubby's doubts to rest :-)

[PHAT Mommy]

I recently had a similar revelation. I complain about everything and I really have no reason to complain.

I don't agree when people say things will "turn out like they're supposed to." In reality, things will turn out exactly how you make them turn out. No one should feel stuck with a situation because it's "meant to be." You always have a choice, congrats for owning that and choosing to exemplify that for your daughter.

[urban child bride]

I really needed this post today. Just last night I was complaining to my mother: "My job is awful, life is so hard, this isn't what I PLANNED, etc."

But you're absolutely right. It's not what I planned, but it IS what I chose. Yours is an excellent attitude to have.

Great post, and thanks!

[MetroDad]

Isn't watching life pass by a requirement for living in Mississippi? Just kidding, K. I wholeheartedly support you taking more control of your life. But more importantly, I love the fact that you're self-aware enough to think about it in terms of yourself and your daughter. Kudos to you!

[mothergoosemouse]

Interesting thoughts. Maybe that's why I'm so indecisive on whether I want to work or stay home. Because if I'm miserable with either choice, I have no one to blame but me.

And I really can't blame you for deluding yourself, at least temporarily. You've had so many difficult changes over a relatively short period of time. We do what we have to do to preserve our sanity. I think you are coping admirably.

[GIRLS GONE CHILD]

DITTO once again. Would you like to co-pen a new book: "What to Expect When You're Not Expecting to Expect?"

[Jaime]

I had a surprise baby too and a marriage about a year earlier than was planned. Recently, I too made the decision to just get over the surprises and enjoy the life that those choices I made has given me. And know what? I love it!! :)

[Latte Man]

Very nicely said! Taking ownership is certain a fantastic way to empower yourself. And worthwhile lesson to teach!

It is too easy for us all to blame "circumstances" and "things out of your control" for things that are not as "dreamed."

[maria]

my oldest was a huge surprise, but looking back, he made me realize what mattered most in the world. as far as your living situation...as time goes by you will find there will alot you will miss, but like you said...sometimes we just have to suck it up and make the best of it. you will find friends, as you daughter gets older and is involved in things you will meet people you can find something in common with. i know, i've been there, until then i have some real hot gaudy ensembles you can borrow.

[linda]

thanks for the wake-up call. my 6-month-old daughter was also a surprise baby and i've been using that lame excuse to explain why i don't always enjoy taking care of her or just being with her -- cuz i wasn't ready. but truth be told, i was reckless in not using more reliable birth control (whole other story) and had the option of terminating the pregnancy (gasp!) but ultimately chose to have her.

i do love her more than anything/anyone else in the world, and to do right by her, i need to own up to my own choices/decisions and stop all the negativity, which i'm sure she would feed off of at some point...

thanks, k!

[Redneck mommy]

Fric and Frac were both surprises. (I hadn't figured out what caused it back then.)

Being twenty, in school and trying to figure out who I was, didn't exactly make it an easy road to travel.

But, ten years later, it has worked out. Not always easy, but it has worked.

Great post, and even better attitude!

[Suburban Turmoil]

I think you'll find that everything turns out just the way it was supposed to. :)

[Lotta]

Keep on keeping on.

We got pregnant with baby #2 way before I was ready to. A doctor scared us into trying before we were ready saying some issues husband was having would make him infertile.

Guess what. He wasn't.

I got hit with PPD HARD after the baby and just beat myself up for not bonding with her the way I did my son.

She just turned one year old and I couldn't love her more.

Just let it happen, and one day you won't even recall that your baby was an accident.

Plus - I highly reccomend Pharmaceuticals.

[krista]

Yes surprise babies. They are a different kind of mind F*&K all together.

I often have to remind myself that I chose this life for myself. To be a mom so young. To have my husband and I finish school mortgage our futures accumulating so much debt.

When I see my friends travelling the world, partying, taking risky career choices, dating wildly, being reckless, and well, generally being young and lively, I sometimes look at my own life, my own momminess, my own lack of disposalbe income from all the debts of being student parents, and I feel insanely jealous.

The only way I can counteract that envy, that ridiculous "grass is greaner" stuff, is to do exactly what you said, actively engage myself in my own life.

And I try to do that, everyday.

[Kara]

As the mom of a 'surprise baby'... I couldn't have said it better myself.

good job.

[Stephanie A.]

I think you made an excellent choice. I have a friend who had a surprise baby, a lot earlier than she ever would have planned, and she tried to move over the hump. Instead, her family kept reminding her of her choice so that made it a little difficult. Eventally she was able to accept it and move on with her life. I hope you don't have such pressures in your life and that you are able to truly engage in a life that is now yours. Sometimes those unplanned paths end up being much more rewarding than we had ever thought.

Also, isn't it amazing the amount of time we spend analyzing such things when we could be using that time productively- like at the spa or napping?