One is a Lonely Number

I've written a decent amount about feeling alone and isolated. And I'm fully aware that some of it is my choice. From what I've read in your comments, I'm not the only one.

Because here's the thing. If I decide to leave the house for a few blessed hours like I did on Saturday (and I do every Tuesday/Thursday when I have a sitter), where do I go? There's not parties, no great shopping, or artsy movies. And worst of all, there's no friends or family. Not even one.

I sit at a coffee shop, ALONE, and write.

And the sad part is, that while I've made some effort and even handed out my mama calling cards, no one calls me. Because for various reasons that you can probably figure out, I don't fit in here.

But what sucks is that because I don't fit in, my daughter has no playmates. And while I like to think I'm all strong and don't need friends, the truth is, I DO. Not just for her, but for me too.

So if you have guilt about not making mom friends so your kids can have a playdate, or feel lonely and alone because you live far from family and friends but still refuse to make an effort to reach out, or just can't seem to make one more sacrifice for the sake of motherhood, even when it might garner you some type of adult-mom-type interaction, then you should read my column at Mamazine today.

Comments

[Jennifer]

OMG! This is me. I cannot begin to tell you how much rejection I have experienced since becoming a mom nine years ago. I have actually started (for the first time ever) to doubt my own sanity because of this. I also did fine all the years I worked before becoming a SAHM.

I'm thinking of writing my own book, titled: Motherhood in a Social and Emotional War Zone

[Myas mom]

My situation is a little different. I am a single full time working mom. I don't have very much family. The only person that helps me out really is my dad he watches my daughter for one hour every day Monday through Friday. My daughter is bright outgoing energetic little five year old.

I have a little social anxiety when I try to connect with the moms in her kindergarten class they give me the you-work-therefore-you're-not-a-good-mom look. I walk my daughter to her class every morning, take off of work for every single award show, field trip, help with homework, bathe her, cook dinner, take her to ballet and karate class, participate in parent participation day and any chance I can get into the classroom I try.

Now I don't mind much not being included in the "mom gaggle" on field trips but what really kills me is that they (yes the grown adults) treat my daughter like an outsider. Now, could be that my daughter is the only African American girl in a class of Spanish speaking Hispanic children; but even the English speaking Hispanic parents excluded my daughters name on a card given to the teacher for her birthday!

What is that about?

I ask for your advice as a stay at home mom, how can I as a working mom connect more with the parents at my daughters school (about 80% of the moms are stay at home).

[JGG]

In desperation one day, I Googled "Lonely mom and lonely child with no friends" and came to this blog - it was written about me!
I just can't relate to most other moms. I have found one or two compatible souls in the past 10 years of raising my wonderful daughter, but they end up moving and I'm back to the core group of moms who are polar opposite of me.
Example: on one of the last school field trips to a museum, the group of moms went in a huge gaggle (is that a word? seems to fit) to the cafe to yak and gossip. I know from past experience that had I made the effort to join them, I would have sat there with a fake smile on my face and feeling miserable inside - and not understanding or caring a whit one word they were talking about. SO - I took matters into my own hands for once, was DIFFERENT from the mom group and actually WALKED around BY MYSELF looking at the museum exhibits. I actually had a very nice conversation with the janitor who was scraping gum off the carpet. Everyone else would have overlooked him, but he was a very interesting fellow, kind of philosophical. Nice to not have to listen to talk about soccer, dance lessons, nasty gossip and god knows what else the power mom group talks about.
I furiously ran the treadmill for years, hosting children at my house, squiring them around to parks and skating rinks - all so my daughter could have playmates. What makes me rage is that rarely is the playtime reciprocated. I don't know what the other mothers do, but the phone NEVER rings for my daughter - NEVER does a playmate call up to invite my daughter to do something. So I revolted - I'm tired of the one-sidedness of me doing all the hosting and this summer it's been my daughter and myself. I don't have family around me. My husband works all the time. It's been lonely and isolating! We go out and do things - the library is a favorite - have passing conversations with people. I guess that counts for something. I mostly don't mind for myself - I've always been a loner and happy with my own company. But it breaks my heart to have my daughter so isolated. She is in one club that meets twice a month, so at least she has that. And school starts again in a month. My daughter is a lot like me: she's really not much of a social animal and is happy alone - I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I want to savor her childhood, but it will be nice when I'm don't feel the pressure to conform to the mommy club in order for my daughter to fit in.

[CB]

Ditto everything you said. I'm starting to think there is something really, profoundly, wrong with me. Then again, I look at my options and I sigh with disgust. I have come to the somber realization that I would rather be painfully isolated than friends with airheads, conformists, clones, judgemental twits and all around busybodies.

I feel for you. You sound like a woman with a real heart and mind--no wonder you don't fit in!!! Be proud, explore your inner world and look foreward to the day your SAHM life ends and work life begins! That's the light at the end of the tunnel for me. Good luck! I wish you lived closer.

[Moni]

Great column!

My husband is with our kids in the a.m., while I'm at work P/T, so I miss out on the prime mommy time playdates, etc., with my Mothers & More group. My college friends moved away and/or don't have kids. My after-2 p.m. parenting days definitely feel isolated sometimes, as Daddy works eves. Almost all the parents of our daughter's preschool classmates work F/T, and are very prickly and defensive, parents so neurotic so often...hard to make friends with them. So focused on their own kids they don't even bother to greet other parents.

So I feel ya', definitely. Mothers & More has been a great thing for me--they're all about changing the mommy war conversation, telling the truth about motherhood...www.mothersandmore.org.

Thanks for your honesty!

[Nocturnal]

I think *not* fitting in can be a silver lining, alas I understand the alone aspect.

Be well.

Cheers

[Rock the Cradle]

Great column.

My "anonymous" post on the Impling & I is over there.

[Blythe]

I don't yet have children (I'm expecting my first in January) but I feel your pain. Nine months ago, by choice, I quit my job and moved overseas with my husband. It's been both difficult and rewarding, but being away from the people who know me well has been the hardest part. And I find it difficult to summon the energy to find new friends who must be lurking around me (the language barrier doesn't help, of course, but it's not insurmountable.) Thanks for your column, and your post.

[SayMama]

My situation is very similar to yours: no friends, no prospects of friends and great feelings of guilt for my daughter's lack of friends. Unlike you, I don't have a good excuse, other than people apparently don't like me. I live in a big city in a great, child-friendly neighborhood but we go to play groups and my daughter and I end up sitting by ourselves. When I was pregnant and friendless, I was stupid enough to think that having a child would open up all sorts of new opportunities to make friends. Instead, it's a whole new realm of rejection. You don't have the "right" stroller, or the "right" baby carrier. If you're a SAHM so you're a moron. If you're a working mom, you're a selfish b----. Blah, blah, blah. I can deal with people chosing not to be my friend but don't judge my daughter. Don't reject her just because you don't like me. She's just a baby.

[Kristin]

All those potential friends who haven't called don't realize what they're missing.

[Elizabeth]

I met my best friend at a Mothers of Preschoolers meeting. Her two boys are each two weeks younger than my two boys, and we have been friends for five years. I looked it up, and if you live anywhere near Coldwater or Southaven there are meetings near you. Here's the link: http://www.mops.org

And I wish I lived anywhere near you so I could come and hang out by the pool with you!

[Daily Piglet]

Gard, I sure as hell feel your pain. It took me some time before I realized I wasn't a brainless stepford living the plastic existence.

Perhaps this extra space in your life is giving you the opportunity to enrich your writing career?

[Izzy]

(I posted part of this on Mamazine but wanted to put it here, too, because I so understand how you're feeling)

Would it be totally insane to ask if there are any decent preschools in your area? Now that Q is two, a little part-time preschool could be fun for her and is a great way to meet other moms that might be non-military and not as clique-ish.

When TQ was in preschool at ages 3 & 4, I found a few good friends in the other moms. The school aspect of it gives you common ground but it's more neutral than a playgroup.

And I hope you know we don't have to have business to discuss for you to call me. You can ring me up just to bullshit any time you want. I'm almost always home :)

[Waya]

I just left a comment over at Mamazine, but wanted to give you a shout out here as well. I know we don't know each other, but I would so much want to give you a hug. Not to frighten you or anything. Just trying to lift your sadness off of you.

[Izzy]

No way! I just told my daughter a couple days ago that she should pick friends with parents I can tolerate if she ever wants to see them outside of school/camp. I mean they're not all bad but none are what I'd call a good fit. Even sadder is that I've lost my will to go out and even try to cultivate new mommy friendships for my son. I did it for five years with TQ and it was five years of compromising over and over and over and I'm just tired of it. Sadly, he will pay the price if I don't get over it and soon.

We have a big old Air Force base here (MacDill AFB). Ask your huz to put in for a transfer :)

[Dawn]

I think finding Mommmy friends is as Hard as finding couples that you can both enjoy havaing over for dinner.

It is a long interviewing process. But you know, you have virtual us...which doesn't help your daughter , I know.

[Kristin]

Kristen,

You're breaking my heart! I wish you lived closer and I would have lots of coffee with you (with pastries! & wine!)

[Stacy]

I'm on my way over to Mamazine now but just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone!

[Sweetney]

umm hi, i love you, will you please move closer to me?

not. kidding.

[chris]

I hear you. I have no friends in real life. I do have numerous acquaintances now thanks to the kids and their friends, but it isn't the same.

[Mom101]

As my mother said: "we've gotta get that woman up to New York where she can be among her own!"

Intervention? Anyone? Who's in?

[Lisa B]

You make me want to go to Mississippi on vacation just so I can come visit you every time I read your article. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having probs meeting other cool, fun moms. Its a complete shame because not getting to know you is a loss. If you ever, EVER, EVER are in the Midwest, let me know. Heck, there's a bunch of us who LURVE you and would drop everything to take you to dinner and get you drunk. heehee

[Melissa]

Dam woman, that is a powerful article you wrote over there. I don't know what to say. Sorry. :)

[TB]

Having just moved to a city where I know noone, I can totally feel you on this, so much so that I have tears in my eyes right now.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do to make new friends... it may be awhile til I find a job which is usually a good place to start, so I can feel your pain as someone who works from home raising a child.
I wish I had an answer for you, just keep trying. They can't all be bad, right? Hang in there and in the meantime online friends will be here to offer you support.

[Stephanie A.]

Kristen-

If I'm coming off way too assvice-y here, just let me know. I realize I don't know you, your life, etc. I will tell you, though that for my career I work with people who are relocated to new areas due to a spouse's job change (we even worked with the DOD for a while) and so many of them feel exactly as you do. My job in particular is speaking directly with the "trailing spouses." One thing I thought of when reading your article is this- does the school(s) where you received your degree have an alumni group? If so, they may be able to tell you of others who live in the area. While it may be a stretch, you may want to look into it. I have other ideas, too, so I welcome an email if you want to talk about it.

It may sound silly, but to me it seems like you're really grieving right now. You're grieving your old life, your old friends/family, the ability to find like-minded people, etc. When you lose so many things that are so paramount to who you are, it takes so much time and pain to get through it. Have you read anything about the stages fo grief? You may find it interesting.

I know it can be a long, lonely process, but keep blogging and writing about it. And realize that just because, at some point, you may accept your current situation it doesn't mean that it changes who you are.

[lena]

Oh, do I know how you feel. I have actually cried because my daughter is so bored and keeps asking for "friends". Just shoot me now.

How about we drink our cares away at Blogher? Sounds like a plan!! ;)

[Christina]

I hear ya. I have one mommy friend in town - she's the one who watches my daughter once a week. I've been friends with her for years. However, she is the slowest person the world has ever seen, and playdates are nearly impossible due to how long it takes her to get ready to go anywhere at all.

Other than her, I have no other mommy friends in the area. My other friends are all childless so far. My best mommy friend lives 2 hours away. So many days I find myself alone with Cordy, and with nothing to do. We go to the park, we go to indoor play areas, but I haven't really met anyone that I've clicked with. It really sucks sometimes.

Is there any chance of your husband getting transferred somewhere else? Somewhere, say, more civilized?

[Chag]

You and your daughter are welcome in our backyard anytime!

[Bri]

We moved to our current locale from DC where as rumor has it - we still have friends (hi guys!). However here, middle America, is a different story. We haven't clicked with anyone I could tolerate (yes I am a snarky bitch) - I don't fit into the stay-at-home mom mold (I'm a WAHM still working for my kick-ass company back in DC) and I'm definately not the Gymboree - Let's dance around and hand the nice lady at the door 40$ for the pleasure. I do worry about socially retarding my child - but more so - I'd like to have someone over who I didn't have worry about what I said. I could just be me - who admittedly - is bonkers. I hear you - new places, new babies and formerly social at home moms have it tough. How do we cope? Not sure - maybe we blog. Maybe we start a colony of the worthy :P

[Hill]

Oh Kristen,

It's funny how the need for friendship can be so pressing...especially adult female friendship. Though I don't have the child issue (I can only imagine how tough it must be for you), I DO have issues with the other "wives" in hubby's squadron, and I don't exactly fit in over here with the Brits, despite my best efforts. Had I not made the ONE friend that I actually have now, I think I would go mad.

Know that there are those of us out there who know how amazing you are in real life, as well as through your written words, and who would give ANYTHING to be able to spend time with you, drinking coffee and chatting about life, love and our respective badly bahaved (at times) husbands.

It'll be over soon...just remember that. (And if it takes too long, you're welcome over here ANY time! *hugs*

[Undercover Angel]

We live in the boonies so their aren't many people out here to get to know. When we lived in town, my friends tended to shy away from me after I had children - most of my friends are career oriented and don't understand why anyone would want a child. Since moving out here I am very isolated, as are the children. The main place they get to play with other children is at school.

[politically incorrect mom]

I left my comments at Mamazine, but just wanted to say here, you are SO not alone!

[Her Bad Mother]

Am heading over there now. But before I go - ((()))

[Michelle]

I can really relate to your article! We have lived in KY for about 2 and a half years now and I still do not have any "good" friends with children. I do have a couple of former co-workers who had children the same year that I did, and we get together every other week. That has definitely been for my son, and not for my own development of mommy-friendships. There are several other moms that I know, but I have avoided letting my son have play dates with their children because I honesty don't know how to talk to these people. I used to be incredibly extroverted, and since my son, I have become so shy. I would much rather stay at home than venture out into a world where moms gather at parks and talk with total strangers. I don't have the social skills for that. I used to, before my only topics for conversations became dirty diapers, the sleeping habits of my son and my hatred for laundry.

[Kvetch]

I devoured your column and spit out my own two cents over at Mamazine.

[Petite Mommy]

We've lived in the same small college town for almost 2 years and I have yet to make a real friend for myself. When we lived in family housing, my 5 yr. old had 3 good friends but we are now all in separate places so he has to start all over with making new friends. My 2 year old has his brother. Sometimes I feel guilty for not making more of an effort to have playdates for them. Sometimes I just feel sad for me being alone.