So you tried to fool me once.
You had a kid who refused to sit with you, and instead he insisted on running around the restaurant, taking down half your lunch and a plastic chair on his way out.
Don't worry. I've seen you and your kid. And I rolled my eyes at you - just more when you had him on the "child safety harness," as you tried to explain to the waiter.
"IT'S A LEASH," I breathed to myself, cringing at the sight of your child being whipped back from one powerful tug.
I'm not sold on the "it's not really a leash but a harness that allows your child to roam freely in the safety of your precious grip" crap. Because he wasn't roaming freely. And it didn't look safe to me. For either of you.
So, I found you out. And people got angry on your behalf.
"Don't hate on those who love the trees."
"You don't have a kid who acts like a wild gorilla on crack. Shame on you."
Yes. I heard it all.
But then I saw 'you' again.
This time you wore an uber mommy uniform - black track suit and fancy non-functional sneaker. Your bright blonde hair was brushed back under your strategically placed baseball cap. And your latte resting firmly on your large fake breasts.
But that didn't distract me. I saw what it was. You try to tell people it's a special tool to help your child walk, so you don't have to bend over and hurt your back. Lord knows you'd probably fall over from the weight of your silicone boobies.
Ha. Again you try to fool me, silly woman. Maybe you think because your kid looks like a small petting zoo pony and not a dog that I won't see - that I will be distracted by your obvious equine envy. I know. You don't have the square footage for your own yoga room, let alone a stable. Or maybe you thought that people would think you were much more high class imagining your child as a HORSE as a opposed to a DOG.
BUT YOU ARE MESSING WITH THE WRONG GIRL.
Because anyway I see it, it's still a damn leash.
And no matter how hard you try to distract me with your big canary diamond or the cheek implants that I'm sure block your vision, I KNOW.
WE ALL KNOW.
Now Giddyup, Cowgirl. Mama's taking you for a ride.
[I only wish this actually happened, however, I live in Mississippi. And no one does yoga or drinks lattes. However, the original leash post did actually occur. I couldn't pass up the follow-up - even if I had to make this one up]