Sure She Can Walk, but Can She Canter?

So you tried to fool me once.

You had a kid who refused to sit with you, and instead he insisted on running around the restaurant, taking down half your lunch and a plastic chair on his way out.

Don't worry. I've seen you and your kid. And I rolled my eyes at you - just more when you had him on the "child safety harness," as you tried to explain to the waiter.

"IT'S A LEASH," I breathed to myself, cringing at the sight of your child being whipped back from one powerful tug.

I'm not sold on the "it's not really a leash but a harness that allows your child to roam freely in the safety of your precious grip" crap. Because he wasn't roaming freely. And it didn't look safe to me. For either of you.

So, I found you out. And people got angry on your behalf.

"Don't hate on those who love the trees."

"You don't have a kid who acts like a wild gorilla on crack. Shame on you."

Yes. I heard it all.

But then I saw 'you' again.

This time you wore an uber mommy uniform - black track suit and fancy non-functional sneaker. Your bright blonde hair was brushed back under your strategically placed baseball cap. And your latte resting firmly on your large fake breasts.

But that didn't distract me. I saw what it was. You try to tell people it's a special tool to help your child walk, so you don't have to bend over and hurt your back. Lord knows you'd probably fall over from the weight of your silicone boobies.

Ha. Again you try to fool me, silly woman. Maybe you think because your kid looks like a small petting zoo pony and not a dog that I won't see - that I will be distracted by your obvious equine envy. I know. You don't have the square footage for your own yoga room, let alone a stable. Or maybe you thought that people would think you were much more high class imagining your child as a HORSE as a opposed to a DOG.

BUT YOU ARE MESSING WITH THE WRONG GIRL.

Because anyway I see it, it's still a damn leash.

And no matter how hard you try to distract me with your big canary diamond or the cheek implants that I'm sure block your vision, I KNOW.

WE ALL KNOW.

Now Giddyup, Cowgirl. Mama's taking you for a ride.

[I only wish this actually happened, however, I live in Mississippi. And no one does yoga or drinks lattes. However, the original leash post did actually occur. I couldn't pass up the follow-up - even if I had to make this one up]

Comments

[jen3]

Uh-huh.

Read this ...

http://amazingtrips.blogspot.com/2006/04/safety-harness-my.html

And then tell me how YOU would do it. Truly. I'd really like to know. I'm looking for any way - to get out of the house, alone, with my 21 month old triplets. Unless I want to stay home everyday - all day - I need to come up with some way of leaving. Going to the zoo. The park. The grocery store.

The important thing to keep in mind is that I love my kids and would like for them to stick around. If I didn't, I'd leave the harnesses at home.

I'm listening.......

[1girl2boys]

I have never had a problem seeing them on kids before, but I never thought I would use one. Until I had twin boys. You try and keep track of two wild two-year-old twin boys that always head off into the opposite direction when you're by yourself. I've only used them a couple of times, but I am glad I had them.

[Nocturnal]

Well said, you Go gurl.

Accolades.

Cheers

[Maniacal]

I couldn't read the fine print!! =\ I'm sure it was funny...but I couldn't read it. And yea...nno way I'm EVAH buyin a damn leash for my kid!

[Kimba]

I stumbled across your site for the first time today...and you've got me hooked! I'm with you...leashes are for animals (if you can't train them), not children! I don't care how independent a child is, you teach them to stay close or hold your hand.

Hilarious! Thanks!

[Natasha]

This device I would not buy, just because I think it looks silly. However, being nearly 6 feet tall I can understand why someone would.
The other animal harness backpack I do own and I don't mix words about it, it's a leash. SO WHAT!? And I couldn't wait to buy it. My daughter is becoming more independent and stubborn every single day and I like to give her a little space when I can. Like walking along the river while pushing my two month old in the stroller. I don't let her cross streets w/o holding my hand but she is free to wonder a few steps ahead in a safe place. It sure beats having an argument between a grown woman and an 18 month old. Which I think is more pathetic. So what exactly is wrong with using a harness, restraint, leash?
However enjoyable you blog is to read, I wonder, why are you being to judgmental about this? Is it because you child is the only one in the world that does exactly what you say the first time you say it and never repeats behavior that is not otherwise appropriate? Just wondering.

[Silly Hily]

I agree that it is a leash. Would I use one on a regular day to day basis? NO. Would I consider using one if we decide to take our children to Disney World and one of them is under the age of 5? Probably. Am I allowed to use one if I don't have blonde hair or fake boobs?

[Sunshine Scribe]

You crack me up. Seriously, my son just came over and wants me to explain what is so funny and I don't know how. I think I'll just tell him a poo joke and be done with it :)

[Shannon]

That was so funny. I spit my tea out laughing so hard.

Yup, it's a leash.

[Shannon]

That was so funny. I spit my tea out laughing so hard.

Yup, it's a leash.

[Lena]

Kristen, I love your honesty. And am so buying a leash for my presh-us babeeee so I am not knocked over my my boobies! I do have my priorities.

[Lisa B]

We have something like that for our dog. When I saw the pic and your first sentence, I laughed so hard, I woke up my child!

[Tracie]

That was great!!

I enjoyed the small print too!

[Mom101]

Okay, pro-leash or not, you gotta admit this one looks like a harness. I think that's what makes it funny.

No? You don't?

Okay, I'll shut up now.

[nonlineargirl]

I love that you saw that photo and made up the post to go with it. I can not imagine seeing one of those in Portland, where almost everyone is more-attachment-parenting-than-thou, but I did see a girl in a leash at the zoo today.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Hmmm, I wonder if that thing would work for my Labrador Retriever?

and now back to our regularly scheduled shit storm.

[Cyndi]

Ok, I'm officially offended no matter how hard you try to say you are kidding or making it up. Why make it up? You're hurting those of us out there who are like you.........tryin' to make it and tryin' not to fuck up our kids in the process.

Yes, there are people who abuse everything. Personally, I find elective c-section a much sicker thing do to your kid, but laissez faire...and all that.

I'm sick to death of moms with no clue talking about *gasp* how they'll NEVER LEASH THEIR CHILD! How OMGITSSODEMEANING!!!! Uhm......it's as demeaning as marriage. Meaning, it's demeaning if you chose to see it that way and so if you do, don't do it, but don't impose YOUR socially dysfunctional mentality on me(Your being the "general" your...not YOU specifically, of course). If you can say "I'll NEVER leash MY kids" consider yourself lucky that you have easy kids.

I used to be that mom. I was the mom who screamed from the roof tops how terrible it was for people to use leashes. I wrote scathing posts on internet bulletin boards about the lazy ass moms who used leashes. And then I had my son. I raised a perfectly nice, well behaved, lovely daughter......I know I'm not a bad parent. I know that my son is just my son.

Ok........I'm done being huffy now. Just think....you're not really helping us moms who are having a rough go of it like you when you trash the leash. Trash the bitchy silicon mom who doesn't want to pay attention to her kid. Why put it out there that those of us who have no other choice now have to worry about yet ANOTHER parenting judging us while we're out?

[TB]

It's one of those parenting things that always makes me wince, but that I reserve judgement on until I actually have kids and see how hard it is. I don't think I would ever use one though, it just looks so barbaric.

[Melissa]

You would have had me, until the Latte part. Only because you have told me there is not coffee places where you live. Nice try though.

It is still a leash. In fact, this one looks even worse.

[Kristen]

I agree on the leash issue- I saw a poor little boy in a leash that had what looked like a bear or tiger or something on his back. It made it look like he was giving a wild animal a piggyback and his mom had leashed the animal. Sad.

But the fake boobies? I got some of those so I have to disagree there- we can bend over just fine. LOL.

[Kristin]

I love the cheek implant bit.

Also: what is up with the nonfunctional sneakers? I guess I should just be grateful that the shoes-on-wheels worn by kids have not transitioned into uber mommy gear. Gah.

[Piglet]

I'm Switzerland on the whole leash situation. I see the pros and cons. I've not needed one so far, but I have made many idle threats to my children. Both of them.

This post however, is funny as shit! I especially love this, "Now Giddyup, Cowgirl. Mama's taking you for a ride"

You go Uncensored!

[Crunchy Carpets]

Wow.....
Yah just lost me.

I had a harness for Adam and for no reasons or excuses other than the boy loved to run and wander and be independant and so that was fine with me.

We both had fun when we used it.

No excuses, no track suite or big rock to go with my fake blonde tresses.

He walked at ten months and I loved seeing him so happy roaming around without me grabbing his hand or stuffing him into the stroller.

It didn't work with Caity...she didn't like it, so we didn't use it with her.

And guess what? He still knows the rules of the road! He still knows how to hold my hand when in busy places or crossing roads, etc.

Amazing that my lazy habit didn't ruin his sense of self preservation.

Self righteous judgements are bit much don't you think?

It is something I work hard at trying to NOT do unless I see something that actually HARMS the child.

[Neil]

That photo makes it look like that baby is running in the Kentucky Derby.

[Ashley]

When I was little I had a leash... of course, it was for my Teddy Bear. He ran away once and it never happened again because I tethered him to my wrist like a dog. I can see that in some instances a leash is necessary. Maybe, as was mentioned numerous times in the comments for your other post, for parents with twins. In general though, my parents never lost me and they didn't lose a leash and back then most kids weren't on leashes (if any)!

[laura]

When I was twelve I took my little cousin to a really large mall and he wore one of those things (well, the less glamourous 1980's version). We accidentally trapped a little old lady - very embarrassing!

[FishyGirl]

eep. Haven't resorted to the leash yet, but straightjackets have crossed my mind. Too funny.

[wordgirl]

"gorilla on crack". You're cracking me up, girlfriend. Yeah...the leash. I dunno. Paris Hilton's dogs get carried in a purse and kids are on leashes. The whole world's going to hell.

[fidget]

if you had been in the Walmart bathroom with me last Friday, you would understand the need for some parents to rely on leashes. I havent given in yet but after all was said and done i went and looked at them again.

[Mom101]

Oh my God I'm laughing so hard. I'm not sure if she's a pony or a marionette. Pull one side, she waves. Pull the other side, she claps. If I saw this kid on the street I'd be so tempted to scream, "Hey Judy! Where's Punch?"

[karyn]

I used to feel the same way.

Then I had a child with special needs (read: Autism disorder and zero impulse control) and tried to travel with him.

I bought a fucking leash.

He did really well with it and we had no power struggles actually since he knew he did not have total free rein.

But I still felt like a colossal jackass since I swore I'd never ever buy or use one.

Oh well. As with most parenting ideals, you win some, you lose some.

[mothergoosemouse]

Thank you. You have NO IDEA how much I needed a good giggle this morning. I'll be back to read the comments.

[Andrea]

Leash. Said it before on your post about this, and I'll say it again. Leash. Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog.

[joy]

Oy. i'm off to get me a manicure, fake titties, and some accessories for my infant harness. uh, i mean *leash..*

or will i instead tie my son down in his ambulatory restraining device (naively called a "stroller") today?

ok, off to get him from his cage, uh, i mean *crib...*

Many cultures think our use of a "Crib" is akin to caging a child. Does this stop me? HELLS NO. Pack and Play--useful device for making sure your kid does not get into shit, or evil device for inhibiting child's free spirit??? I know. How about "key to mommy's sanity??

Yes, playing devil's advocate--but only coz you upped the ante, you bad, bad lady;-) What are you ON this morning? Can I have some?

[Jenny]

Wow. That. is. Awesome.

I'm totally getting one of those and then I'm going to dress up like Laura Ingalls and Victor can be "Manly" and we can have Hailey pull us in a wagon while we ride like fiends to get Ma her medicine.

[Chag]

I'm not in favor of leashes, but this thing is cool! I could just sit in a wagon and have my daughter pull me around all day.

BTW, we have a lot of Track Suit Moms around here. Your description was perfect.

[Fizzle]

You are brave. Or is it just looking for a fight? I just read your first post and some of the comments and there was hot, hot ire on the topic...

Your post is hilarious! I rather love the women you portray. The hairy vegan hippie and the yoga-infused, fake boobied athletamom. You could write a book of offfending leash mommies...

[Arwen]

You forget, the woman described would have a nanny (who originated from another country) holding the reigns instead of doing it herself.

[Elizabeth]

When Ryan was 3 and Nathan 6 months, we went to Sea World. We knew there would be tons of people there, and even with two adults we needed a way to insure that Ryan wouldn't take off running into a crowd. So we bought him a fanny pack that had a strap for us to hold. Yes, a leash. He thought it was cool to have a place to put a few small toys, and he didn't get away from us. We only used it that one time, but we felt a lot safer taking him to such a crowded place with it.

I agree with Janelle, if the boys had been any younger the year we flew to California, I probably would have used one in the airport.

[Suebob]

Maybe this is why I don't have kids. A leash seems perfectly reasonable to me. They ARE little wild animals, you know? The opposable thumbs and tool use don't fool me.

[Chase]

LOL!

What's next on the list? A kiddy muzzle? A bit and reins? Baby's First Ball Gag?

Can't wait for the next installment. ;)

[motherbumper]

oh man, I stepped in this one last time and once again I can't keep my mouth shut. A leash, is a leash, is a leash, is a leash. Let the crap-throwing commence!

[Janelle]

Really? The harness is out? Hm. A friend of mine has one for traveling in airports, and it looks like the only sane way to check into a gate with a toddler.

[Shiloh Pebble]

I dont know how you do it but you make me laugh so damn hard!!!! This post is FABULOUS! So fabulou sin fact that MY latte spilled and now my black tracksuit is ruined!! :) But yes, I agree----a leash is a leash is a leash!!!