It's Sex Week at MU... kind of like Shark Week except way funner!

Comments appear to be working again except everything from yesterday got lost. Do not fear. I read them. If you want to re-comment, feel free. And if you didn't get a chance. HAVE AT IT.

Back in the days prior to stomach rolls, flat asses, and no sleep, I actually had sex a lot. Like every day. Hence the toddler running around.

And for the most part. It was hot. You know. "Ooh baby your huge c$*% is so f*%&ing good to me" kind of hot. Yeah. We did it all. Dirty talk. Sexy panties (me, that is). It was that kitchen chair upside down hardwood floor and broomstick kind of sex you only see in movies. Those movies.

But now. With that toddler running around, even in her sleep - (Yes. I swear she runs in her sleep) - the sex? Not so much. The crazy sex? Not so much ever.

In fact, the only time I get the crazy hot porno knock down two walls and a floor board sex is when the moon is aligned with Jupiter and Saturn's rings are reflected off my non-existent ass.

(Read: Almost never ever ever).

And it's not because I am not all about that kind of sex. It's because the huz is not all about that kind of sex.

Generally, I get the following in response to my repeated requests for some action:

"Take off your clothes, hop on up, and see what you can do."

Yeah baby. Way to make me horny you crazy hunk of burning love.

If I decide to take him up on his extremely resistible offer, he generally gives me hard breathing and ONE grunt if I'm lucky - a loud one if I'm really lucky.

Um. So I'm to hop right on for a grunt? Seriously. I'm going to need a little "oh you are so sexy and your boobs are so tasty..." Okay. Maybe not tasty but something to that effect - apparently I breastfed way too long...

But... it just so happens that my ass must have been extra shiny over July 4th because I actually got some hot action - of which I only lasted about 12.7 minutes and then crashed like a large beached whale while my husband was trying to create some weird sex contraption with a computer chair and step stool.

I got the sexy talk. I got the porno moves. And so I wonder.

Does it take that much to give a little extra effort that I have to wait until the next sighting of Halley's comet in order to get some "my d*ck is so f*&^ing hard for you" type action? Why only once in a blue moon (like a for real blue one)?*

So until I figure out the pattern, I'm going to practice my sexy talk. I'm pretty much spent on the whole "Oh you're so hot and you're penis is so huge and oh right there big guy" kind of stuff. And while he may resort to grunts, I am going to take the higher ground. That's right, bad boy.

Who's going to help me out here? Give me your lines. And just for fun, use your porno name (your first pet name and your first street name) when you post your comment.

"C'mon you horny mom and dad bloggers you. I know you want to," huffed Bert Reids.

(Yeah. Hot and sexy porn name I do not have).

*And please, you are not the only one who has questioned my husband's libido - I complain about it almost daily. I'll save my psychoanalysis for later. Plus, this is more fun.

Comments

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[MiM]

I'm am so late to this party, but I just has to add, "I HEAR you, girl!"

We definitely do the dirty talk. Oh yeah. We like to say what we're going to do to each other next. That way, we're always coming up with some newish material.

[summer]

Ooh...I just came across this blog via GirlsGoneChild. This is too funny and too good of an opportunity at nastiness, I can't pas it up!
Here goes...
Come here, you dirty motherfucker and take off your clothes. I'm gonna suck your cock sooo hard you're gonna forget your name and then I'm gonna climb on top of you and fuck you. No backtalk nast boy, just do what I say and no one gets hurt.

Little Poppy

[Heather]

Well, I just had to comment...simply to be able to add my porno name.

I generally don't have to say a word. Hubby, says things like "Oh you feel so good." And moans a lot.

Bubba Wood

[Nichole]

There is no way I can read all these comments, but the ones I did read are hilarious!

I have to admit I am pretty non-verbal in the bedroom. In fact, the most I say is, "I love you" afterward! And sometimes I throw in a "Oh YEEEAAH!" for good measure.

~Ranger Lansdowne

[sinsamantha]

Thease comments are hilarious!

Anyway..I never talk dirty in bed, its just not my thing.

But if I want to get laid I usually just start giving hubby a blowjob. Considering he rarely walks around the house in anything more than boxers int not really that hard. Or “hey, wanna fuck?” works pretty well too…

And if he want to get laid he just pulls in out and said something cheesy like “look what I got for you”
Or
“hey baby. Come to butthead”

[Heidi]

I used to be the dirty talk/funky position girl but no I couldn't care less about sex.

Granted, I do love Big Blue, my vibe, but when it comes to everything else, I can leave it. It's killing my poor husband.

I'm pretty sure it has to do with the medication I'm on. As soon as Number 2 makes her way out of the womb and I'm done breastfeeding, I'm going to get on some new meds.

Bubber Hulse

[Angie in Texas]

visiting from ricedaddies.

this was HEE-larious!

i have nothing new to contribute for the verbal stuff, but any time you can get your mouth on his c0ck . . . it's a sure thing (even when he's in the bathroom brushing his teeth).

-peaches byrnes (pronounced: "burns")

[Captain Mom]

Yeah, this post is a couple of days old now, but I just had to share that good ol'fashion phone sex can be great. Especially via cells. Not only when one of you is out of town. You can get in separate rooms, or even in your car (after the kids are asleep)...and talk dirty till your heart's (or other's) content. Kinda feels like parking in highschool. I wonder if my vibrator has an adaptor thingy for the cigarette lighter...

Lucy Bent Tree

[taorist]

My wife should be reading your blog...she can relate with this post.

Yes. I haven't been as active as I used to, sometimes "life" gets in the way of good, hard , hot sex.

I'm getting good ideas just reading this post.

Thanks there!

[Karla]

hmmm...I got nothing. but everyone else gave ME some ideas ;)

[demondoll]

Came by your site thru Unexpected Joy- Thank you for the great writing, you make my day!

Pathetically, I have no lines. Mostly I put on one of the rarely worn "cute" nite-time gear and figure he'll catch on...

[Lady Hughes]

I am so depressed. And I am laughing because, if I didn't, I'd cry. I think I mentioned before that our husbands seem cut out of the same mold, and now I have proof. The disinterested sex partner thing is annoying to me because I know there are so many guys out there who would give their right testicle for a wife with the kind of ingenuity and lack of inhibitions that we exhibit. But do they care? Do they try to show gratitude (and I DON'T mean by running a vacuum through the living room or making dinner)? Last night I tried to initiate something and my husband said, quote: "Oh no." As if he was caught unaware and was very alarmed about the whole thing. I'm not making this up. Boy, did you open up the flood gates on this one. I could go on all day.

[dennis]

Ladies ladies, I feel sooo bad about what I am about to say...
I cannot think of a time recently when the wife had to ask for sex. Typically we just have to roll into the spoon position and my motor kicks into high gear...

however if holding out will get me that blow job...

[katbliss]

I HAVE to touch you.

I HAVE to taste you.

Usually works... and if I'm lucky it works quickly :)

- Candy Equestrian

[Bobita]

I concur with those that posted the "housecleaning foreplay" posts!

Something like, "Do my DISHES, baby...rub them til they sparkle, you hunk of man-love! That's right, baby! Wax that floor! Wax it with your BIG mop! Wax it! Wax it! WAX IT!! OOO, baby!"

~Bear LaDetour
(GRRRRR! Baby! GRRRR!)

[Fizzle]

Favorite porn name so far? Dickie Fiesta. The party's all rolled up in the penis.

My husband's pretty puritanical, so I'd have to reach back in to the annals (not anus, you dirty minded ones) of history and say that its'a combination of having sex in a public place and then using your favorite erotic phrase or two (friend with the 'swollen lips' comment? she wins, I think) to bring out the porn sex.

Can we all group up at BlogHer and discuss?

Siouxsie Rubio

[jubyred]

Glad to know I'm not the only one with sex on the brain these days.

I'm not sure I have any tried and true lines. I like to hear it more than I like to say it. So, i end up asking a whole lotta questions like, "tell me what you want...is this what you want...tell me what you want to do to me...i wanna hear you tell me..." Works for me.

porn name: Tinkerbell Hansen

[something blue]

"Oh... Oh yah... Oh yah baby... give it to me good."

Oh gee I can't even fake it. Obviously blue moons are not our something blue.

~Cookie Henderson

[Becky]

Having problems hon...

This is what I tell my honey..until you can satisfy me..you can listen through the door of the bathroom .....;)or I threaten to turn into a Lesbian...

Labeau Lodgepole.

[Jennifer]

Okay, I suck (no pun intended). Totally forgot my er, um, porno name:

Goldie Elliot

Cheers!

[Jennifer]

OMG! This is hilarious! That's exactly why I tagged you on my post for today (sorry, hope you don't mind) Oh, and excuse my topsy-turvy site. It's currently under construction.

Okay, let's see...*phooo!* (dusting off the cobwebs from my Old Book of Previous Sex Life). I use the tried and true, "Mmmmm, babey. Yeah, I think she's hot. Of course I'd love to go down on her. That's about ALL I think about! Now would you cum already??!!!!"

[Gette Jones]

It's just those little words of affirmation ("yeah," "that," "just right" that work for us

Tippy Boone

[Jolie Athlone]

I used to be so skilled with the sexy verbiage. Right now I'm in a major libido lull so the most I can grunt is, "You can put on a condom." Tres romantique, non?

[Jess R]

I'm scared, because I already follow this pattern and I don't even have kids. Uh-oh.

Lately, my lines have been more like, "Whoa-whoa-whoa-my legs don't bend like that." Sad, very sad.

PS: Dinky Eleventh. Are you turned on yet?

[QofS]

We're not really talkers. We like the porn, but even that gets interupted by a waking child. So I can't say I've seen porn in a loooong time.
BUT we have recently gotten our grove back, and new and exciting things have been introduced.

And then the three year old find my vibrator and wanted to use it as a rocket ship.

Grunt Grunt UH,
Brandi St. Clair

[shoesonwrong]

I'm not a big talker in the sack. Maybe I am, and the headboard just knocks my short-term memory out, who knows.

What I do know, however, is that my porn name sounds a lot more like a high school whore's name than anything else.

-- Brandy Catherine

[Mom101]

"Wow, you're even better than the guy I was with last night."

Love,
Tiger Wildwood

[dutch from sweet juniper]

damn you mamabloggers are HOT when you're all blogging horny.

for what it's worth, my wife tells me she gets wet when she hears me washing the dishes. I used to be a professional dishwasher, too, but those days are far behind me.

[Heidi]

After 9 years of marriage and lots of premarital sex I am sooo out of lines. My husband already isn't much of a talker, so it's a lost cause. I'm not even trying anymore.

What I do have is a love of vibrators. (So much so that vibrator is included in the subtitle of my mommy blog.) Now we're not talking the old fashioned kind, mind you, but the "rabbit" variety. (Remember them on Sex and the City?) So, sadly, instead of sexy talk, I use it to get in the mood. By the time I'm done, I could care less what my lovely husband says or doesn't, I'm just happily enjoying the ride.

[Jamie D.]

Luckily it only took us about 6 months to get the old bed a rockin' again. Right about when we moved the baby out of our room and he started sleeping through the night. (the baby not the hubby)

My husband, while very much into the hot sweaty monkey sex, likes to think of me as a lady, so "I want to touch your penis" is about as hot as the dirty talk gets. Though I have snuck in a good solid "F*** me!" during the act from time to time. I also have a tendency to shout almost unconciously "OH GOD, JESUS CHRIST, OH GOD!" when I climax, and my husband often makes fun of me that I sure "Praise JEEEZUS!" a lot for a woman who doesn't have religion.

Porn name: Wilma Lee. So. Not. Sexy.

[Lisa B]

Yeayh... Not the crazy stuff much at all. My hubby won't even do it any place else but the bed....

[Colleen]

This is probably TMI, but here goes:

"My lips are swollen and throbbing with the need to be filled by you."

It was all over but the shoutin', ladies.

Yours fondle-y,
Casey Colmar

[Cuddlebug Waverly]

We're not parents but we're infertile which is pretty much the same thing. Sex for us has been reduced to a science. The hotness has been sucked right out of it. "I'm ovulating NOW. Climb on!" is about the hottest thing I ever say.
BUT if I ever want to do it not for procreation I'll say things like:
"Come on baby, I'll suck your dick"
and
"I want you to fuck me so hard."

Damn, now I feel really dirty.

[joy]

dear lord!!!! this post and these comments have actually made me blush. and speechless. i am clearly mary poppins in the sack (that dirty dirty whore).

how about "i love you...." what's wrong with some cuddling, for pete's sake???

KIDDING!!!!

[Y]

HAHA My husband just did a little "guest post" on my blog and this was what he started his little post. "Have you ever had so much sex that your penis is raw from all of the friction?"

So, I'm laughing at this so hard.

HAHA. "Hard."

[karyn]

OH WAIT!

Unless you count the first pet and street I had as an adult... in which case, I am

Yours Truly,
Claudia Finger

[karyn]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh I get it now.

My bad.

Signed,
Fitzy Cedar

ps: That name SUCKS!

[Chase]

ROFL These comments just keep me rolling!! And whoever's name is "Smoothie Clovernook"?! HAHAHAH!! Too funny!!

[Melissa]

I have noticed that some of the comments are re-apearing. Typad is so strange.

Anyways, saying fuck and cock in the same sentance seems to be a good idea. Or I can't believe how big your penis is, I can't wait for it to fucking be in me...You get it.

Poor you...just trade him in...just kidding.

Rent a really sexy movie maybe...Basic Instinct?

-Fluffy Franklin

[Gwen]

All I can say is: Take Me now!! That seems to work well. (Well as long as I have teased him enough. :})

Toasty Lingbe (What kind of a name is that?)

[Stacy]

My usual line is, "We can have sex tonight if you want."

If I want it to be really good (for me) I'll say, "I'm going to take a long, hot shower and put that shower head to good use. I’m going to be so clean and hot for you baby.”

If I want it to be hot for him, I’ll say, “Why don’t you let me have a look at your massiveness? It makes me so hot.”
Between us, I haven’t used this line in years.

-Boots Valhalla

[Kathleen Marie]

Haha! Four kids later, with three out of the house and the sex is better than ever -- we have come full circle. There is hope ;)

[Kristina]

OK, first of all, I am so with you on the porn sex. In fact when DH and I were in college living in the dorms people used to tell us all the time that they could hear us. My response? "You're Lucky!" LOL.

Lines?
"My tounge needs its pussy" (said to me by my hubby the first time he took the dive.

"Fuck Me" is always a winner.

"Spank me"

My porn name according to your formula is Camelot Morrison Story.

My real porn name is Sinnamon Nutmeg Sugar Daniele (pronunved Dan-yell-ee)

[Snowflake Stanwood]

I thought I had an easy out when comments weren't working, but something compells me to write this. Damn.

- "My pussy is so wet for you."

- "I'm gonna squeeze you 'til you come."

- "I can feel your balls against my ass, baby."

- "Fuck me harder! Give me your come!"

And of course, there's always

- "Oh, baby, your [body part] feels so good in my [oriface]!"

Ahem. I think I need a shower.

[smoothie clovernook]

um...yeah...

"I want you to f%^&ck me so hard"
usually works for me.
the husband likes when i use the f word :)

and sometimes for fun, i throw in a little "you're so f%%^incg sexy" in my best colin farrel sex-tape irish accent. he.

[Banjo North Avenue]

Are you in the same EXACT fucking boat as me? Jeez! 10 years together and no kids yet, but that's how it goes. I myself am partial to the "gripped the headboard so tightly I threw my back out" sex.

And my dirty talk?
"I am going to cum all over your cock."

But my *p0rn* name isn't all that grand, what with my first dog being male and my living in the country on North Avenue. So I will tell you, my REAL porn name is Roxy Rodgers. Because that's what my dad WANTED to name me and my mom talked him out of.

And if I ever go public with the p0rn, that will be my screen name.

And that's all folks.

[Geisha Marshall]

I feel stupid when I consciously try to talk dirty, but in the heat of the moment, "F$%^ me hard" works well for both of us.

And marital aids used together (the kind that take batteries) have also been a good thing.

[J.]

Ha! I love this post!
Husband and I were the same way in the sac... and then we got married.
What the hell is up with that?
There are all these jokes about women changing when they tie the knot and now I know it's BS. It's the men!

[KarinGal]

My porno name is DICKIE FIESTA. No kidding.

So I guess that can be the answer to your second question, too.

[Missy Fleet]

"let's go to sleep" or "goodnight"

seriously, my kids are older and we have been getting normal sleep for years and when that happens the sex life kicks back into gear... those first few years though... it practically had to be scheduled with the whole, "well, I guess we should have sex this week" mentality...

Also, I wear my pirate wench costume a lot. kidding! maybe

[Magnum East Princeton A.K.A. Kristen]

First, my libido is GONE since I had Leah and before that I used to complain that Tim had no libido. Grrr.

Anyway, when we used to talk and have THAT kind of sex (The good kind, lol)some favs of ours were the popular "Fuck me!" and "It's so wet."

Happy f-ing. LOL.

[Izzy]

Our sex life was just starting to pick up again and then I went and ruined everything by insisting on birth control of the latex variety because I was still breastfeeding.

Pffffffft....

That's the sound of my sex life deflating like a balloon. I have nothing to share.

[Paulie want a cracker.]

Hmmm. This sex thing sounds fun. I think I may have done something like it once...

Oh, and have any of you seen this bit of fun? Porn Star or My Little Pony?
You Guess.

http://everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1006977

[zygote daddy]

Well, it's second trimester time right now, so this is generally what I hear (with unnerving, though not unwelcome, regularity):

"Let's fuck. NOW."

-Butch Cerritos

[BFF]

Okay, it's early, but here goes:

Are you a SPACEMAN? 'Cause your sex is OUTTA this WORLD!

lololol

--Tabby Pershing

P.S. The greased-up-boobage-weenie-bun (from yesterday's comments) is my favorite thing of ALL time and I have been talking about it for 24 straight hours.

[Kitzel Cazenovia]

Hmm, I'm more the low libido one in my household. What works for me is for us to actually talk before he tries to grab and go, if you know what I mean. Talk is *my* idea of foreplay. Don't know if that will help you at all...

[Kristin]

I love you a little for writing this.

I don't have words because I don't remember sex but good luck in your quest.

[Her Bad Mother]

'That's right baby. Bring the Swiffer over here to Papa. *SWIFF IT.* Swiff it GOOOOOOD...'

(Pansy Dogwood sighs and wipes her brow...)

[mrsfortune]

My favorites are "ooh baby, I did all the laundry" and "ooh, god, the dishes are SOOOOOO clean." When he says them, I mean.

[VirtualSprite]

Although I, too, have had fantastic success with the f-word, I've had better success with just stripping down where I stand.

Well... once the kids are alseep and we're at home. They frown on that sort of thing in public.

Good luck!

(I, too, have an awful porn name... Whiskers Bellewood.)

[Button Aspen]

I've only recently had to pull out any lines for my fiancee. No kids for us yet but his job seems to be putting stress on his libido. Anyway, I concur with the word f@ck but I also find that coming up from behind and biting him gently on the neck works pretty well.

[fidget]

I foudn myself in my current situation for an afternoon for bathroom floor sex... 5 O's (would have been more but i was waiting for him) and the kids were tres busy watching a video in our bed (thus the bathroom floor). When DH isnt in the mood, greasing up the boobage and using it as a wiener bun always seems to illicet a response

[Dusty Autumn]

I love that you talk about this! I've been wanting to talk aobut sex on my site, but with my MIL reading...i feel weird about it. LOL

It's all about the "Yes Sir" in my house! =o)

[Emily]

"Oh yeah, give it to me, you're gonna make me cum SO HARD" - Yankee Virginia

[AndreaDetroit]

I agree with Sadie...anything with the "F" word works well and one of my favorites is.." God I love you inside me!"

-Patches Champaign-

I have a similarly unmatched libedo with the love of my life. It's so hard to lay there next to him and not jump his bones every night, but he wakes up at the butt crack of dawn and I know he needs his sleep. His last 2 long term relationships didn't have a lot of sex going on...one because she worked the opposite shift from him, and the other because she had severe endometriosis and sex was painful for her...I think he just got used to not having a lot of sex, so it's not high on his "things to do" list. I on the other hand am practically a nympho and would love nothing better than to have it every day at least once, if not more :) My only consolation is, when we do have sex (usually on the weekend) it seems to be so much sweeter for the waiting I have to do that it's definately worth the wait.

[Andrea]

Okay, so I'm not that creative coming up with a name for myself, but my hubs stole one. He calls me Boo Boo Kitty Fcuk. From Jay and Silent Bob. While it's sorta funny, I just don't get all bothered when he uses it.

Mostly I like to tease. He'll say something he wants, and I get all skeptical on him (teasingly of course) and say, "Can you? Can you really make me come 6 times? Prove it." It makes him try a little harder, and his trying is what turns me on.

[Crunchy Carpets]

Oh...well, THAT woke me up!

Sadly we are kind of the opposite here......book and bed sound reeeelly good to me.

Though I CAN do the hot porno sex, but it DOES require the right amount of wine or the planets lined up or me ovulating.

I actually hardly have to say a word...strike the right poses and hubby does all the talk!

(sometimes TOO much talk!)

I think I usually use the ol' "Oh your cock is soooo huuuuuge" line!

Oh...and my son HAS walked in on us, which is why I tend to prefer hurrying things along a little bit..that and my daughter JUST stopped waking every two hours!

Oh and I don't reeelly have a porno name but you could use Sienna which paired with our last name sound big time porno and why I nixed it!

Or..you could use Pinky Dinky Do..which I just heard on the kids cartoon currently on tv.

[Mergatroid Merrimack]

My theory after the birth of both of my children was: "Do what you want so long as it's fast enough so I can get some sleep and quiet enough that it doesn't wake the baby."

I say this as an erotica writer.

[nonlineargirl]

Crap, you really have to get up early to get an original line in here. I was thinking "I want you inside me now" which maybe doesn't sound so exciting looking at it, but seems to work pretty well around my house.

-Bubbles Benecia

[Sadie Sheridan]

"I want you to f@ck me"

....or anything with the f word thrown in there somewhere. Fabulous!

Haha!

[Karen Rani]

I'm very lucky I married who I married. Ask me at BlogHer about this - I might tell ya. This will definitely be a late night topic of conversation.

Also, this post was friggin hilarious!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

MD ~ I couldn't have picked a better porno name for you if I tried.

THAT is beauty.

[MetroDad]

"I can't believe how good you feel" screamed Diego Buckingham.

[Dawn]

Sweetie, I think we are twins separated at birth ...and our husbands are too. I am all about the risky hot sex. He is all about being in bed with the lights out.

I tell him that he is wasting some of the best sex of HIS life - I'll do just about anything - and he isn't buying.

Let me know if you find the secret cure.

[Suebob]

Kristin, you're making me blush! I will never admit...not to you, not to the Internets, not to nobody. I don't think there enough margaritas in the world...

[Shiloh Pebble]

HAHAHAHA! The blue moon hasnt shown over my house lately so I am completely jealous!

My fail-safe line: "Oh baby....you feel so incredible in me!". Works everytime and is as simple as hell. Hey----when you are strapped for time, you go with what works!

[Jenny]

One of my friends coined the phrase (or stole the phrase) "Thor's purple-headed love-hammer" and I've wanted to throw it into the mix but I can't even type it without giggling.

~Daisy Fairview

[Constance Reader]

From not-a-mom, but in love with a dad (of two young sons who have become my favorite forces of nature):

I could give you dozens of lines, but the funny thing is, they don't seem dirty at the time. Not even when spoken by a stay-at-home, full-time dad. Now, thinking about them later, reliving it...THAT'S sexy!

[Christina]

Bert must have been a popular pet's name back in the 70's. Because my porno name would be Bert Oakland.

Sadly, I have no lines. Any time I've even attempted to talk dirty, I've either bust out laughing at how ridiculous I sound, or hubby looks at me as if to say, "What they hell did you just say?"

[Heidi Washington]

Too early for me to conjure up a line, but can you imagine the search strings that are going to end up finding your site from this post? Hee.