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July 05, 2006

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Do you ever have the opportunity (or could you trust him) to just take off early on a day your husband has off and not come back until well after bedtime? It sounds like he could use an eye-opener. Leave him a little schedule as to when she needs to eat/sleep/be changed/go outside/etc. Motherhood can truly be thankless, much moreso with no support.

I am sorry, girlfriend. If I were there I'd take you out and we'd raise hell and not look back. Maybe we can do that at BlogHer. And relish in the thought that your hubz is struggling to maintain order in your absence (small evil laugh).

I'm sorry, but this is just plain wrong. You are in this position because you allow yourself to be put in this position.

I have my "nights out" and so does my wife. I get my "breaks" and not only does she get her "break" from the everyday, it is just as important that I have my solid bonding time with my daughter.

And to be perfectly honest, if I ever pulled a stunt like your husband apparently has, I would be afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of waking up in an Emergency Room with a frying pan embedded in my skull.

Sure, people may stop calling after a while if all you ever answer is, "Oh, I would love to but..."

Parenting needs a partnership. Not one that does all the work, and one playing "CEO." And unless you make it clear to him that he must pick up his end of things, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Being "Mother" has nothing to do with it.

Late comer here, but better late than never.

Damn, grrrl. Spot on. We're on 24 hour shifts, seven days a week, but ONE NAP A DAY is more than enough break time, is it? Fuck that.

2nd year residents have more time off. With salary.

Oh hon, I hear you! (But I think I embraced my inner bitch nazi a lot earlier.) Right now, I get a break one afternoon a week and I'm really climbing the walls if I don't get that. (And even then I usually spend it working or running errands, ugh.)

You might want to give a local playgroup or mommy and me thing a try again. I know, I know, they do sucky activities or are mostly strange personalities... but if you find just one other cool mom to hang out with it's all worth it.

Yet another reason to leave MS. Being a mom does not have to mean being a pariah or a second class citizen. I can't help but put in a plug for the wonders of portland - lots of cool breedie types here. Even the random park encounter can be cool. Chris and I met two very nice moms at the park this week. They didn't mind that Ada stormed over to their kids and confiscated their cheerios.

Ok, I braved most of the comments before posting and yes, I do feel the BIG target on my back.

So, I only have to add that I will simply decline to defend the whole of the male species. Honestly if that is how they perceive their duties as spouse and dad...then whatever you dish out is justly deserved...

Lord knows I've been read the riot act my 'fair' share number of times since we brought the imps home from the hospital and even being a SAHD has not yet brought me completly unto the path of enlightenment...

I truly think that things will be different when you guys get out of there.

That said, I know the feeling. Why is it that the title of "mother" brings with it the assumption that all we were ever really after was a husband and a kid? Yeah, we may have advanced degrees and careers that would make other people's heads spin. But how important could all of that really be if we chucked it in favor of raising a family?

Why does it have to be either-or? Why do we keep making these assumptions - if not about ourselves, then about other people? Until we're the ones having judgment leveled at us.

I'd rant about it some more, but I just noticed that I have green play-dough lodged in my wedding band.

Ha! This is fabulous! I AM NOT ALONE!

I only have one child left at home (mother of 4) but I can empathize 150%! I have been there and with one child still at home, I am still there in many respects.

I applaud your choice, it is a wonderful one but a hard one but you will make it through. You will survive and grow and become even more fabulous than you already are!

I am happy I bumped into your site. Kudos!

Hopefully your next husband won't be such an ass.

Being a mom has got to be one of the hardest jobs there is. Why don't men get that we need a break too? Hopefully, your huz will get a clue soon. And if not, tell him you're gonna go "grab some take out" without the baby, and then don't come back until you have a pedicure, massage, and a good chick flick under your belt.

"worthy of nothing but" writing beautifully in like a billion different places, supporting the rest of the blogworld, running an awesome website (if I do say so myself), teaching kids music, being a wonderful friend...

Don't sell yourself too short in terms of your value in this world, dahlink, even if you are feeling down.

Also, we've got to get your arse up to nyc where the so-called clueless breeders are taking over the world. Yes, even the post office.

Hey, I love your new picture. You look cool to me! Not sure when the pic showed up, I am reading all my blogs via RSS Feeds now, so I don't see your template every day. :)

My hubby once commented that I should never need a break because I get to take naps every day. But he's not the one up with a toddler (or now a preschooler) at 4 a.m. until 5:30 a.m. He's not the one who has to get up to make breakfast for the child either.

He's the one who feels its A-Ok to play Party Poker on line from 11 p.m. to 3 a.m. And then sleep in until 10 a.m. And then he starts his workday about 11 ish (he works from home) or will go out to the office and not come home until 10 p.m. at night. And then he comes home, gives our child a whopping two minutes of attention and plays several more hours of Party Poker. All in the name of "I'm stressed at work." Grrr.

SO yeah, I know what you mean!

Ugh. Seriously! As sad as it sounds motherhood (especially the early years) is very isolating. And though my hubby's very good at letting me have some 'me' time to decompress there're still moments when I snap and wonder why the hell he's got a million questions when it comes to watching the kids for any amount of time. Most days I can pretty much grin and bear it, but at other times he (and anybody else who treats me condescendingly) gets a full plate of exactly what's on my mind.

You're not alone, I think every mom goes thru it pretty often enough. I hope you're feeling better.

What a fantastic post. I agree with everything you had to say. I am lucky though, hubs does let me get out once in a while to decompress and he'd never dream of going and playing beer pong! I'm also a military wife and SAHM to 2 and it's so hard to meet new people if you don't live on base - which I don't... Wish you were closer!

I'm with everyone else. I think Christina's idea of Tag you're it was the coolest though.

Have you though about going back to work? Because all of what you said is why I went back to work. And shit, mine was only 4 months old. There is nothing wrong with putting her in day care.

Also there is nothing wrong with bitch slapping your husband too.

Oh, Kristen. You have so eloquently articulated what I have always vaguely felt (without articulating) and one of the main reasons I chose not to have children. I don't think I could handle that.

I think your readers have offered some good suggestions - schedule some "you" time for a massage etc. every weekend, some clear, firm boundaries.

I have friends who have kids and we still hang out and even party sometimes. Thanks for reminding me to reach out more to my mom friends. Peace.

Oh my GOD, Kristen, I wil KICK D's ASS!!!!!!!!!

WTF IS it with these "fly boys", anyway?!?!

Ring me any time you want to chat (or bitch)! Lord knows, I've bent your ear a time or two to bitch about "the Cannon". ((eye roll. barf.))

Feel for ya, hon (you know, mostly. 'cept for my childless thing...)

*hugs from England*

That's very sad that your husband doesn't value what you do. Even with all the support I get from E and all my friends and family, I still have many times when I feel very alone at this. I guess it's tough no matter what the circumstances are...

My husband and I have an arrangement that I get every Friday afternoon off. His schedule is flexible enough to make this possible, and its lovely. He comes home around 1-2, and I don't see him or my kids until 7pm. I don't do errands, I don't shop, I don't do anything that I'm "supposed" to do as a SAHM, and its divine and keeps me sane. A good friend of mine does this as well, but her hubby's schedule isn't as flex, so she has a sitter come - the same sitter - every Friday from 1pm-6pm. Having that weekly break makes a HUGE difference. Even if you just get out of the house and sit on your porch and drink, you're not on duty and it goes far to restoring sanity and self-worth.

Oh Kristen, I'm so with ya. And I've only been at it 8 weeks. You don't have to defend that you love your daughter and your role as her mother when you talk about being bitter. Nobody would question that.

Sing it, Bitch Lady.

I partially work from home and the same applies. Nevermind that I've been working my outside job and mediating the children and feeding everyone, etc. The husband is getting better, but he used to think I had so much more TIME than he did to do the extra stuff, like folding the damn towels. I don't.

thank you.

OK, here's the plan: wait for a moment when the huz is home with no specific plans. Place Q next to him, say "Tag, you're it!" and run like hell.

Even if he acts like he can't care for her on his own, I'm sure he'll be able to do a good enough job until you get back. Take a few hours to do something for yourself, even if it means locking yourself in the bathroom for a hot bath, and blaring music to drown out any protests.

Most of the time my husband is understanding of my need to get away now and then. The best thing he does for me is gets up early with Cordy, so I can get that extra hour of sleep I need.

Seriously, though. If bitching about it won't make him help you, take drastic measures. Q will survive with him while you run away for a few hours.

The shame of it is, I don't think that there's any real escape. Mississippi or da big city - same principles apply, albeit, perhaps, on different scales.(The subway? At rush hour? With a stroller? Meet the hate.)

So, as one bitch nazi to another, I can only say this - embrace the bitch. BE THE BITCH. And let the rest of them (even, sometimes, when some of them are among those we love) fuck right off.

Brutally honest. I have a lot of respect for SAHMs. I imagine working my job 24 hours a day, seven days a week for no pay and few non-monetary rewards, and I feel tired.

Sing it, sister.

I am so sick of people giving me the "damn breeder" look you speak of when I'm out with my kid at any place not exclusively designed for small children.

You were all kids once, people, and you had mothers. Someone had to spend their days wiping your ass at some point. And everyone in the world stops having kids in order to prevent the slightest possiblity that the presence of a child in public might disrupt your carefree lifestyle, there won't BE anyone around to wipe your ass 40 years from now when you're elderly and infirm. So stop being such a freakin' snob, and help me drag a highchair to the table, already.

Hubby went out for 5 hours yesterday...doing 'new car stuff' at the dealership. Yeh right.

He comes home to slightly frazzled mom and whiny kids.

What does he do?

Goes and starts playing online POKER!!

Can you say dead man?

Finally figures out that this is not a good thing and heads out to "play" with the kids.

I point out that it is 8:30 and what would be helpful is helping me get them to bed.

Why do they forget things like a REGULAR ROUTINE!!!

Then I left and went for a coffee with my mom.

A loooooong coffee.

I love being a sahm...but I hate the sense that when people find this out that there is this tone of 'Oh you let the side down'..I don't know if that is really there or I am imagining it...but I start to feel so inadequate in grown up company.

I am better now..but when I first started the whole mom thing, I was really insecure and felt I had nothing to contribute to non parenting conversations...now I am ok...but still get pissed off.

man, you just seem so isolated, so marooned. wish i could come take you out for shots now (somewhere with high chairs and free crayons...) I can't help feeling that this is not just about being a SAHM, but about being in the military setting here.

hang in there, lady. i am sending you good vibes. my offer to talk always stands (because, like, i SO have the answers. Ha!)

You have taken thoughts right out of my head, at least with the idea that being a mother means that I'm the reliable one while hubs goes out to play.

If I thought my upcoming business trip near your neck of the woods would give me a spare evening to go out, I'd buzz ya. Sadly, I think I'll be holed up in my hotel room for four nights with paperwork and an early wake up call.

Even though my husband is really supportive in most ways, I heard the "but you're the mommy" comment yesterday that just irked me. Yes, I'm the mommy, but just because I'm home doesn't me HE doesn't have to do anything! Gah.

I hear you, sister. Even with a part-time job I miss out on the little cliquey things that women without children do. And, lord, do I miss it. Hang in there. You're not alone.

From one Bitch Nazi to another... set-up a weekend schedule that allows both of you a break. You get up with baby every Sat. AM and he has until 12:00 to do whatever the hell he pleases. Then you get Sunday AM. Now my husband can't get pissy with me for sleeping in becuase Sunday morning is MY time! Saved my marriage after we had #2. I'm a much better mom, and I actually like my husband again. :)

Wish there was something I could do besides sympathize. Own that bitch nazi title!

Wow.

This kind of attitude toward mothers is one of the things that I think kept me from starting a family for so long. (My first child is due in Sept.) Where's the respect for people with the Most Important Job in the World? Eventually, I decided that I wanted a child anyway.

Maybe it's too idealistic, but what if we all just got in everyone's face and said, "Yeah, I'm a mom, what are you gonna do about it?"

We're with ya . . . .

Oh my GOD, thank you for this. I'm the only stay at home mother in my circle of friends and they don't seem to realize that aside from being great that I stay home with my kids, it really IS a lot of work and it never ends. I'm like the on-call doctor, I never finish my shift. And what irks me is when I go forever without ever getting to sleep in or just relax because the husband is tired from getting up early and going to work. I get that he's tired, but so am I and somehow I never get any time off.

And I completely get what you're saying about the eye rolling. I would never try to take my kids to a fancy and expensive adult-only restaurant but I still got dirty looks at a family restaurant two weeks ago because my oldest - who isn't even four yet - wasn't absolutely silent. Does everyone forget what it means to be a child?!

Amen to that sista!!! I hate it when people ask me,"And where do you work?"...."Oh, you mean other than at home?"....it's a hard job being a stay at home mom,...no days off, no pay, no promotions, no lunches out, no wardrobe allowance!! Hello! Pajama pants and hubby's t-shirt is the uniform of the day. I'm right there with you.

sound slike you need to thrust upon him on a schedual some Daddy time and hi-tail it out of teh house and do something soul satisfying. I know you live in redneck heaven but there has to be some minor cultural outlet - a damn plaster paint house or something. take sewing lessons, learn how to do taxidermy

get out of the house, out of your own shadow and breath. I find it helps me deal with the eye rollers

It's good to know that we are all in this together.

I would just like for my family & my in-laws to truly understand that I ALSO work even if it is in the home. I mean, seriously, I make more money than the hubs right now so where do they think our money is coming from?

Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one.

Heh. A lot of that in the air it seems. I just had that same flipout the other day. Husband and daughter both got a good piece of my mind.

PS------Bitch Nazi! I LOVE IT!

Looks like we are all in the same boat together! Funny that even though we all feel this way and we know that we arent alone in our feelings, its still the loneliest place in the world!

The Hubby and I both work fulltime as well as do that whole parenting thing together. Funny though that I am the one who still has to maintain the clean house, keep the baby on her nap schedule, remember to feed her lunch during the Fourth of July party at the house, set up the party and clean it up. Oh yea, and I should also be having fun with our friends too! RIGHT!

Hugs to you!

Even though I'm a working mom, I can so relate to what you're saying. And you know, I was never super crazy about my current job, but now I love it because after being here 6 years it is the only place where I truly know what I'm doing.

You're not alone!

Rage on, sister-friend. You're in good company. We may not be with you in body but we're with you in spirit.

For a good laugh to get you through, just imagine the chaos that would ensue if you took off for 6 hours to play beer pong.

What a well thought out post about something every mom goes through in my opinion working or staying at home.

I know for me working part time doesn't mean I am a mom part time though. I still have the full time stay at home mom responsibilities on top of my job responsibilites and people still look at me in many of the ways you described. And it SUCKS!

So please know I feel you are validated in your post and I am right there with you.

I've got your back. Try being a mother with kids and no husband. I am the coffee/lunch gal, never the weekend or evening out gal. Independence Day gained new meaning yesterday when my daughter and I (son had plans) sat around all day with nothing to do. I am curious if "How was your 4th of July" will ever be asked by a girlfriend, in which case I will say, "It sucked. Oh, and I have a new haircut." Perhaps blog beyatch could be my new name. Kvetch doesn't seem to do me justice.

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