Fear and Self Loathing in San Jose

Amidst the babes and boobages, I actually learned a thing or two about myself at Blogher. I sort of figured there would be those "a-ha" moments, where light bulbs start flashing vigorously over my head like a red carpet paparazzi fest. And truly, I was not disappointed.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out how much a weekend away from home can do for a soul, particularly one fighting hot, humid, and deep fried surroundings (in more than one sense of the words). And I also figured out that no matter how cool your shoes look, if they're not comfortable and you take them off after 10 minutes, it sort of defeats the purpose of having them since no one will actually see them on your feet.

But aside from all those little snippets of reality, I realized that I have something in common with all mothers. Even Arianna Huffington. Yes. That Arianna Huffington.

And that is the big scary f-word.

No. Not that f-word, although considering that we all have kids, we probably have that f-word in common as well.

I mean the big F.

FEAR.

I realized that fear has slowly started to take over my life in a way that is almost hurting my existence as a woman and a parent.

Just a few years ago, I was scoffing in the face of fear. Granted you won't see me jumping off a bridge with a huge elastic band strapped to my ankles any time soon, and I'm not so in love with flying, but anything else, I laughed. Thesis? Books? Moving? Curriculum Committees? BAH.

Actually. TRIPLE BAH.

But then I had a kid. And she sucked away any brass balls I might have had. And fear took over.

I fear for her life, her happiness, and her joy. I fear that I will not be good enough and that I will fail. I fear that I will die not seeing her grow up, or that she will die and I will not be able to go on living. I fear that she will hurt herself or be hurt by someone else or get brutalized or terrorized or hurt.

And now, I fear that I won't see my baby's face next week at the ultrasound. That I will be alone with two children, living with my in-laws, and possibly having to do that damn elimination diet again. That I will be depressed again, even more so than last time, and that I will not have the will to get through it like I did before.

You get my drift. I'm practically medicatable.

And then I fear that, too.

The panel of fabulous women didn't have answers persay, but Caroline Little shared a story that hit me like a stone in my eyeball. She spoke of her conversations with her dying mother - the mother that hovered and wouldn't let go - and caused varying levels of rebellion, and tension in their relationship.

And the mother told her that she was just afraid. Fearful - almost petrified for her child. And the daughter (our speaker) told her that her mother's fear came across as a lack of trust. That her mother did not believe in her.

And so all my love for my daughter has now turned into fear. And the fear will do no good. It can't. All it does it take from what could be.

So I've decided to turn my fear into faith. And my terror into trust. And live conscientiously, with hopeful caution.

I must believe that my new baby will be okay, and that we all will make it through another day, week, and month, with a beautiful child that loves life and deserves to see it without her mother's fear clouding her every step.

Some people find their faith in church or in other spiritual outlets. But for me, I'm going to start with "the world."

I'm going to start believing in its goodness and that when we put good things into it, good things will come to us. It's the only way I can get through the days when it seems like everything around me is falling apart - with wars, violence, pain, and suffering. It's the only way things will make sense for me.

The world hasn't done me wrong yet - sure there have been bumps and severe road blocks, but I can't let those taint my view. And better, I can't let them take away what I believe about life. Because believing in all that is good means believing in my daughter.

And that's the best gift I can ever give her.

Comments

[lildb]

I've been thinking the same thing, lately. That to live with the sense of constant dread in a knot in my chest is to impart that energy to my son.

No. I won't do that. So - I've lately tried to believe that things are going to be okay. Maybe not perfect, but better than DISASTROUS.

Anyway, that's all to say that I think you're right.

[Bobita]

Wow. Seriously, wow.

I just saw a movie that addresses fear (I'm going to blog about it very soon!) And in the movie...the release of fear was the process of confronting our deepest fear head-on. And by confronting our fear, releasing the fear...we can be completely free.

Free to be.

What an excellent post you have written about this very process.

[PK]

Wow. That's it, exactly. I wish you the best.

[Izzy]

You always have a way of taking my thoughts and giving them a voice.

It was not all that long ago that I realized that fearing life and trying to control is doesn't make it any safer or easier.

Enjoy your pregnancy. Enjoy your life :)

[tracey]

Waaaaaaaaaaaah. That was perfectly written and it made every hair on my body stand on end. It was just beautiful.

[demondoll]

Thank you for the inspiring post. I've been struggling some lately, and reading this helps.

[Deb]

Seriously brave and true post. You GET it, that is EXACTLY the way to beat the fear. Faith that all is well. Because it is....:)
Such beauty, thanks for sharing and what lucky kids you have.....life will be so different for them, so joyful!

[Mary Tsao]

Your posts always have a kind of quiet elegance, much like yourself.

We all have fears. I think it's important that we write about them and bring them out in the open. I really like when Arianna Huffington spoke about failure and said, "so what?" So what if we fail. In other words, face the fears.

Unfortunately, that's easy enough for challenges we face personally, but when we are mothers, the fears take on a whole new complexity as we deal with these little people whose lives we cherish and yet have almost no control over. I'm frightened just writing that sentence.

Hope the U/S goes well.

[Mom101]

I love this because we have all felt that way - and because that Caroline LIttle story was the one quote that stayed with me more than any other the whole weekend.

Let me just say lady, I don't know that I think of you as fearful. I mean, you're pregnant...and I saw the shoes you were wearing. That takes some cajones.

[Mega Mom]

I don't know, I've always just tried to grab the bull by the horns and go. I still don't feel the fear, but I appreciate that you do. I hope we can all lean on one another when it takes hold.

[Girl con Queso]

Get out of my head woman. Wow. Absolutely beautifully put. Putting the words out there make fear seem less scary.

[Colleen]

Thank you for sharing this. I often find myself overwhelmed with fear for my daughter, for basically the same things you listed. It *never* occurred to me that that fear would be translated to her as a lack of trust (makes sense, though, because that is what happened to some extent with me and my mom...am I repeating the pattern???). Wow. What a powerful post. Thank you, Kristen.

[Lia]

Ditto ditto, thank you again MU.
I am so consious of not wanting to pass on to my daughter my fears and issues - she can tackle her own in her own way.

[MetroDad]

Beautiful post, Kristen. I think, as parents to young kids, all of us can relate.

[Her Bad Mother]

This choked me up.

I just hit publish on a post about posts that I need to write but am having trouble with. Writing about why I asked the question that I did at that panel is numero uno - why is *this* the issue that so plagues me? (And, is there any irony in my standing up in front of 700+ women, including Arianna Huffington, announcing that I am terrified and then demanding that the panel tell me how to overcome it?)

Your post went a long way toward helping me with those questions. As always, thanks.

[Waya]

This was so inspirational! Thanks for articulating what I've been feeling ever since I became a mother.

[Lisa B]

Beautifully said. Bravo!

[Vikki]

I applaud you for trying to find ways to overcome the fear when it is easier, sometimes, to lose yourself in it. I have grappled with a lot of fears since becoming a mother and feel that I am just coming out of it all. If motherhood had a slogan, I think it would be, "Motherhood: It Brings Shit Up". This was a very touching and optimistic post.

[Mom]

Wow, this really spoke to me. I have felt this exact way since my daughter was born. Thank you for putting words to this feeling and bringing me hope.

[Mrs. Chicky]

I have a love/hate/hate/hate relationship with fear. I hate that it rules my life so much these days but I love that it occasionally motivates me. In my case I need to find the right balance. I wonder if that will ever happen.

[Michele]

I have a friend with two boys older than mine She's a very calm, relaxed mom. I asked her if she is ever afraid, of failing, of something bad happening to her boys. She put it like this "I know that God knows I cant handle something really bad happening to my boys so it is just not going to happen."

Blind faith, dumb faith? It is what helps her sleep at night.

I see your fear, and I understand. This mother business is scary and requires huge leaps of faith. But I make them, every day. Because at the other end of the leap is the hope. Sometimes I stretch those elastic bands far enough to make a bit of a splash, but they havent snapped yet.

Great post. Thank you.

[Lady M]

That was beautiful, Kristen. Sometimes I can imagine such terrible things happening that I have to take a deep breath and start over. Easier said than done.

[Much More Than A Mom]

Loved this post, Kristen. You have put my feelings into words. My little man is only 3 months old and I have paralyzing fear at times which comes solely out of loving him so very much. I'll try to follow your example so I don't damage him too much ;-)

[joy]

i think we can also reframe that fear, and realize that its also to do with *valuing* life and those we love more. we fear because we realize the deep impact they have on our lives and our selves. that we are not islands.

it's ok to recognize the fear for that--and embrace it as love. (i know i sound uncharacteristically sappy--but i am serious!)

and then to let the fear go--this is also part of it. obviously, we can't go on clouded by fear, so we need to turn it to faith and joy.

i'm still totally scared of that huffington woman, though--have to say;-)

[Binkytown]

I just had to link to you today. Inspirational gets thrown around alot but I really mean it when I say this is inspiring. I was never as fearful as I was when I was pregnant, of course until I had a baby. I'll be revisiting this.

[Kelly Ferry]

Fear, the great equalizer. It's the one thing that stops most of us in our tracks, and is something I find myself learning to face too many moments of each day and night. It's also a great teacher, though, so I am learning to embrace it and look beyond it to whatever it is showing me.

thanks for posting this.

[Jezer]

You're really stepping on my toes these days, woman. And that's a good thing.

[fidget]

Hope is scary

Especially when you want something so badly

Hope can mean it will hurt more

I understand your fear

[Mama of 2]

What a thought provoking post and one that hits the nail on the head. As I read and reread your words they spoke to me and made me want to be the person you were speaking of. So thank you for opening my eyes and hopefully put me on a new path.

[TB]

I love this Kristen. You put something into words that's been spinning in my head even before last weekend.
Thanks.