I Have Cracked the Blog Top Sites Code

A few months ago, I read a few posts surrounding the mystery that we call "Blog Top Sites." Apparently that little number that fluctuates between what I think are the coordinates to the Russian Space Station and the number of times I farted yesterday wreaks much havoc in the minds of mommybloggers.

Granted, it sucks to see yourself listed as #72. But seriously, if you ever take about 2 seconds to scan through the thing, you realize that it's a total sham. OR, it's a system set up by the Communists to program us into submission.

Wait, are there even still Communists? And if so, do they even have computers?

You have to question it when you see, for example, my numbers last week: 1,867,287 unique hits this reset.

YEAH. And I'm pregnant with Tom Cruise's quadruplets.

C'mon people. I am nowhere near 1 million hits. In fact, I'm nowhere near 1 million anything. Caloric intake on Sunday? My husband's last sperm count? Times I've said FUCK on this blog? Maybe. But that's about it.

And did you see who's in the lead right now? Currently it's a blog that hasn't been updated since last month.

If that doesn't clue you in to the insanity, then I don't know what will.

But no worries. If you still hate being #56, check out the secret formula they use to determine the rankings. I'm no mathematical genius here, but believe me, it didn't take that long to figure it out.

X = Your mother's age x the number of times you had sex last month + the probability that Suri Cruise is real divided by my bra size + 1 (don't forget the 1 - it's important).

Simple.

Now go have more sex. For all you know, it might raise your Blog Top Sites number.

--

Before you run off and have sex all day or try to figure out my bra size, check out my fear post up at the Huffington Post. I'm up with HBM and a few other lovely ladies.

Comments

[Glennia]

Having been at #121 for a while, I was thrilled to crack the top 100 today, because unless you are under 3 digits, that little widget thingie won't show a number. I've become obsessed with my little Neocounter and seeing which new flags pop up. Hello Aruba! I suppose if I spent more time writing and less time thinking about these gizmos, I might actually have people reading my blog. Or maybe not.

Great piece on the Huffington Post; you're an awesome writer!

[metro mama]

Hey, I was happy to see mine at 75.

Congrats on the HP.

[Lisa B]

Hey, I've been ranking at #72. I resemble that remark. heehee

[Irene]

I'm not even listed. I think I'll just go back to my job and sulk!

[Lindsay]

Blogtopsites? What's that?

[Supermom]

Too funny! I'm just happy to be getting sex, I could care less about my ranking. LOL

[mrsfortune]

Hmm ... I was sort of turning it into a "how low can you go" game for myself (low being high, uh, yeah, you know what I mean) but now I find out that I'm not REALLY number 88? Dang. I'm crushed.

[PHAT Mommy]

I'm crushed. Really. I thought I was so fucking cool being #32 and you tell me it's all a sham?

[nonlineargirl]

Wait, your bra size normally, or now that you are pregnant?

[Mom101]

Okay I know for a fact that I've had a lot more sex than you in the past month. So where's my #3, huh?

[Kristen]

I didn't even know there was such a thing, lol. Shows how much I know. And I forgot the 1. Damn.

[TB]

Congratulations on the fear post. What you wrote is something I've been thinking about a lot myself lately.

[Maniacal]

pssshaaw 72? 56? I'm at 114!

[Sunshinescribe]

I love this. I tried to post something about it once that was similar ... but I couldn't come up with anything nearly as clever :)

They drove me to insanity until I finally had to pull it down a few months ago.

[Christina]

Huh. It makes total sense now.

Cool post on Huffington Post. How did you get to be a blogger there?

[Kris]

Yeah, you know, I don't think those Top Sites are really accurate. i mean, where do they get the numbers? Your secret formula sounds about right, actually. I agree with Technorati, too. I know there are more people linked to my site than what is being reported there. However, I have been getting more traffic from the two.

[Mother]

ZG ~

Yes. Except I'm not getting laid - so all you folks should at least go at it for me.

:)

[zygote daddy]

Go have more sex, huh? Let me guess...could someone be in the second trimester? Hmm? :)

[Mrs. Chicky]

I was just working with my template and I was deciding whether or not to remove the button from blog top sites. It's gone. Ah, sweet relief from the phantom ranking numbers.

[mamatulip]

LOL. This is why I've never registered my blog with that site...like I don't have *enough* stuff to stress over already.

[Much More Than A Mom]

I had to delete all of those little diddies when I installed my new theme - WAY too stressful for me!

[Her Bad Mother]

More sex is the ticket to higher stats counts?

Man.

There's gonna be a population boom...

(Dude! We're on the Huffington Post together today! Weeeee!)

[sweetney]

i'm convinced all those ranking sites are bullshit. even [looks around nervously] Technorati (shhh! don't tell them i said that!). for reals, i look at their stats and KNOW they aren't right.

games, jake. silly torturous games.

[Binky]

Number of times I had sex last month?!?!?! That explains everything! Everything, I tell you! And I thought I was just an non-interesting writer with no networking skills. Maybe it's just my mission in life to make Ms. #56 and Ms. #72 feel better about themselves.

Sincerely, Ms. #107

[Amanda]

I've never ever used top sites lists but I figured what the hell and I decided to sign up exactly one minute ago. It will be helpful if it can bring me one person who comments. LOL. Comments have been sucking on my site lately and really it's because my writing has been BORING.
Oh well...

[CPA Mom]

Since my sex number would be in the basement, there is no hope for me. I'll stay a "B-Lister" then.

Too funny. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

[fidget]

Damn it! No wonder i was dropping out of teh top 50 so much this past 2 months!! I was on "pelvic restriction"

12 weeks now so my fat ass will be in the gym and, much to DH's glee, jockying for a better Top Sites postion.. ahem

[Chase]

Now, how the hell are WE supposed to find out our ranking if your bra size keeps fluctuating? Maybe you need to keep this important information in the sidebar somewhere.

You know...for ranking purposes. And stuff.

[Kvetch]

I love you. Truly. And by the way I didn't mind being #72. Perhaps I'm done with that site. It can go sleep with Suri.

[Izzy]

One day, Blogtopsites said I got like 150,000 in one week and that's when I knew it was crap...because I really only got 149,000 hits that week ;P