You Think You Know Someone

I'm going to take a moment and warn all you bloglines cruisers that if you don't read to the bottom of this post, you will miss out. Sort of like when people skipped my Blogher post and are just now going "Holy shit you're pregnant." HA! I gotcha.

--

I'm pretty sure I lost track of who I was over the last few months. I've sort of become a weird morphed semblance of my old self and a new person who is still trying to emerge into something clearer than what I see without my glasses on. It's a weird, blurry place for me.

Transitioning back to the state that I haven't been in almost 10 years makes me think about how life has changed. When I left, I was on my way to graduate school, still fairly single and free-spirited, with just about the same level of anxiety as I have now (amazing since now I have a kid), perky boobs, and one dog.

If you asked someone who knew me back then, I imagine they'd describe me as a music therapist or musician, at the very least. It was my life - violin since 3 1/2, 5 years of college/gradschool, almost 10 years of work, and a few textbooks later. They might even call me a college professor, although I'm still explaining to my in-laws that I don't teach kids with disabilities, I teach students how to work with kids with disabilities.

Most folks back home know that I had a kid, but I imagine it's not the first thing that comes to mind about me. Hell, I just started believing I was a mom a few months ago. I'm not sure if it's because I never thought I would be someone's mom, or because for the longest time no one really ever called me mom (I was just "aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh or waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh"), but either way, the "mommy" moniker didn't really hit me until just recently.

But even with the textbooks under my belt, I don't think anyone that I knew would describe me as a writer. The most I think they imagined I have written is a long term paper on the effects of music on children with autism.

But now, I write. A lot.

Maybe it's not considered real writing because it's 4.7 blogs, plus a column, and a partridge in pear tree.com. I don't even consider myself a writer, to be honest with you. A writer writes books (real ones - mine don't even count for me), or famous columns, or magazine articles. And I know saying I'm "just a blogger" doesn't do this craft or even my blog any justice. But give me a break. It took me 2 years to feel like a mom, so it might take a little while for the whole "writer" thing to set in.

So who am I? I used to play and sing in bars, and write songs, and perform. I used to work with children with disabilities and hearing impairments in their homes, cultivating language and social skills through music experiences. I used to teach college students about the power of music and its ability to change lives.

And now. I sing Juno Baby songs with my daughter and teach Music Together classes. I strum the guitar now and then - and play my violin at weddings or small church concerts in town. And I blog.

But music and music therapy not being a part of me is weird. It's foreign. It's almost not right.

I know it's not gone and chances are I'll have to return back to it in some capacity when I move - mostly for income, but also because I do love teaching and therapizing (that's a technical word there). But, part of me loves being a mom and a writer. There I said it. A WRITER. A BLOGGER and WRITER.

I'm trying to find out who I am - at 30 it seems a little late for that - but I figure there's always time to reinvent yourself, right? Who said you have to be who you are by 25? Hell 35?

And so in honor of the merging of my selves, here's a little something I recorded a few years ago - in fact, I did it while I was pregnant with Quinlan. Yes, that's me singing, playing guitar, and violin. The huz (who actually is a fabulous self-taught guitarist) is playing the lead guitar fills. Don't be afraid. It's not as bluegrass folk ghetto as it sounds - except for the fact that I had to hold a mic up to the computer speaker because I couldn't figure out how to make our cd into an MP3.

Oh and I wrote the song and the music too. I guess the writer thing was already in the works back then.

powered by ODEO

*This song "GREY" is copyrighted. So don't steal my amazingly fabulous song. Heh.

Comments

[Kristi]

Still love this song!

I was thinking about this the other day for some reason and had to hear it again!

[Girl con Queso]

Oh and also, how do you not own an iPod? Send me your address and I'll send you one.

[sherry]

You have such a beautiful voice. Good for you for doing something you enjoy.

(I told my husband it's too bad you live so far away because he's working on some music right now and needs a female vocalist. Phooey on distance!)

[mothergoosemouse]

I'm awestruck. That was absolutely beautiful. The music, the lyrics, the singing, the playing. You have a CD? Where can I buy one?

[Becky Brahma]

That was really beautiful Kristin!

[Kristi]

That was really GOOD! I would pitch that to some recording labels or just turn your blog into a music blog so we can all hear your amazing talent!
Encore. Encore!!! We want to hear more!

[PHAT Mommy]

You are SO talented. The song is awesome.

[Susanne]

You know, I'm 39 and I still hope I don't have to chose. I'd like to be a writer, a singer, a piano player, a song writer, a teacher and a mother. But it's okay with me that my dream of becoming a dancer won't be coming true.

The problem is not talent. The problem is time and energy.

I find writing a little easier to be crammed into small spaces. (And it's not as loud as music.)

[Carrie]

Beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing! :)

[Izzy]

I know you're digging the writing gig but seriously...you might be missing your calling!

[Whymommy]

Wow, great post. I think a lot of us go through this. At least, I hope so! Transitions are inherently difficult. Hang in there, and believe -- cause you ARE a great writer! I've been reading you every day since I found you! And the 63 other comments here (so far!) should remind you that there are a bunch of us who do!

[Whymommy]

Wow, great post. I think a lot of us go through this. At least, I hope so! Transitions are inherently difficult. Hang in there, and believe -- cause you ARE a great writer! I've been reading you every day since I found you! And the dozens of other comments here should remind you that there are a bunch of us who do!

[Denise C.]

Dang girl. You can sing. That was sweet.

[roo]

I had my lighter burning for you, you folk-rock superstar, you.

[Girl con Queso]

You have an amazing voice. When's your album coming out? Seriously. I want to download you and put you on my iPod.

[Piglet]

You have a beautiful voice, so many talents.

[Mrs. Chicky]

That was amazing! I am completely blown away and, I have to admit, a little ticked off that all the beauty and talent went to just one person. Damn you for being so good, it's just not fair. :)

[Chase]

Um. I'm totally humping your leg next time I see you.

That was gorgeous!!

[Katie Keyes]

That's a great song... you rock!

I don't think we ever truly figure out who we are because as we grow older we change! I'm still trying to figure that out myself!

[staci]

What a beautiful song that says so much. You are a very talanted writer, singer, musician...and I am sure a great mom too. I have been reading your blog for a while and I find it very insightful and I enjoy reading it very much. You have a lot going for you whatever you choose to do!

[FishyGirl]

Damn, I have to admit that I think I want to be you when I grow up.

Or maybe I'll just be me, and envy the shit out of your talent.

My grandfather is 82 and he says he doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. I think we are all just works in progress - only boring people don't evolve.

Your song is beautiful. You are damn talented.

[TB]

Kristen! That was fucking fantastic. I knew as a music therapist you must play some instrument and probably sing. I had no idea you were so talented. Just awesome!

[Karen Rani]

Every time I visit your blog, you amaze me more and more. You are so talented, honest and simply amazing. Keep up the good work: of being YOU.
Karen
xo

[jennster]

holy shit woman! who knew?!?! i love it! you CAN sing! like well! like you have a beautiful voice!!!!!! i love love love the violin.. can you just play and record tons of violin music and send it to me??? LOL you rock!

[Misty]

Apparently I was wrong... my husband comment DID show up.

So, back to what I need to do (beg, borrow, steal) in order to get my hands on a copy of your cd. :)

[Jennifer]

From one music (education) person to another, bravo! Not many people would do that (let others hear their creativity) on a blog, but it was great! Loved it! Oh, and if you read my blog, don't be surprised if you nod off. It isn't witty, dry or cute, just about us and what we do from time to time. Congrats also on the pg. I am also pg. and this is #2 for us as well. Also, our last one. Love your writing. Keep blogging, writing, singing and recording!!

[Misty]

*never commented before... tried to comment on the husband posts but apparently didn't go through*

How do I get a copy of that song? Seriously, but in a non-stalkerish way. ;-P

Misty

[mamatulip]

I am in awe of your talent, Kristen. That was beautiful.

[Binky]

You are definitely a writer. Which reminds me: when is the definitive how-to-raise-a-human-being manual you keep promising going to come out? ;)

[Christina]

I'm at work right now, so I can't listen to the song. Damn.

But I do know how you feel. I'm 30, and I've had several starts and stops in my life, and now I'm going a whole new direction. Er...make that directions. I have no idea what will stay and what will be someday be considered a passing fancy, but for the moment I'm trying to pursue things I enjoy doing.

You know you enjoy working with music, and now you're finding yourself drawn back to it again. Sounds like it's time to follow that calling. And hey, you can always write about music too, right?

[dear wife]

Wow that song was amazing and your voice is amazing. I would so buy an album you put out. Oh and I think only dull people figure out who they are at a young age and be happy with it the rest of their lives.

[nonlineargirl]

When I was three - and my parents were 33 - my dad went back to school to become an MD. It is never too late to figure out who you want to be.

[Cynthia Samuels]

Here is what I think - based on the empirical facts that you are very gifted and beautiful - and since I met you at BlogHer, quite charming... You are moving back to where you were young. It's a sock in the head for a while -- now that you know you're a mom and just about believe you're a writer you next must let yourself believe that despite this childhood-saturated environment YOU ARE A GROWN UP and worthy of greatness.
Re who you are... the name of my blog is Don't Gel Too Soon and if you go there you will find a quote from a Gail Godwin book -- here's part of it: "There are two kinds of people," she once decreed to me emphatically. "One kind, you can tell just by looking at them at what point they congealed into their final selves. It might be a very nice self, but you know you can expect no more surprises from it. Whereas, the other kind keep moving, changing. With these people, you can never say, 'X stops here,' or, 'Now I know all there is to know about Y.' That doesn't mean they're unstable. Ah, no, far from it. They are fluid. They keep moving forward and making new trysts with life, and the motion of it keeps them young. In my opinion, they are the only people who are still alive."
I recommend considering your questions a gift -- Besides you're an artist and they always ask more questions. That's why we need them.

[chris]

I am thirty seven and still haven't figured out what I want to be.

You are so talented.

[something blue]

I'm in awe of your many talents. I would love to see you perform live. Your song is very pretty and your voice is strong.

[Jen]

WonderfuL!

[J.]

WOW!
You have a beautiful voice!
Thanks for posting that. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to it.

[Asha]

oh, Kristen! I'm typing this while your music flows thru the speaker...

absolutely beautiful. And you should know that most people don't "figure out who they are" till much later in life, if ever. In fact, is it really necessary? We change so much, life changes us so much. I think just pouring our hearts into what we're doing now is the best any of us can do.

[Amanda]

Seriously, that was AMAZING! You are very talented. I'll be 30 very very soon and I'm there with you right now trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be...

[Jenny]

I hate you. Really. I do. Or maybe I want to be you.

Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that whatever deal with devil you made (I'm guessing you had to murder a number of people to steal thier talents...is that right?) is a pretty sweet deal and I want in.

[MetroDad]

I am in awe of your many talents, Kristen. Seriously, I thought this was great. You're a true Renaissance woman.

As for trying to figure out who you are? I've always thought that this wasn't a destination which one sought to find. I prefer to think of it more a s lifelong journey. At 30, I think you just start scratching the surface. There's plenty of time to figure out where you want to go and who you want to be.

[fidget]

this is beautiful, i hope you are able to find your way back.

[Her Bad Mother]

"Times have changed and I'm still changing..."

Time'll keep changing; so will you. In the most brilliant ways. The beauty of changing and figuring out who we are becoming as we get older is all the richer because we have so much experience to draw upon. The writer, musician and mother you are and are always becoming is a harmony (I know, predictable with the syrupy music analogy) of the younger you and the future you.

And it's beautiful.

I'm so proud that I know you.

[Kelly]

Awesome song! My son (just turned 2), decided it needed an Ethan accompaniment on the vocals. Hope you don't mind. ;)

[Ruth Dynamite]

But can you tap dance? :) Wow - you're incredibly talented. Love the song.

[Sunshine Scribe]

You are writer. A talented one that many of us look to for inspriration.

I so get that foggy feeling.

And Kristen ... that song! Not only was it brilliantly written but your voice! Man. I'd totally buy the CD.

[juliness]

Sheesh, K! Can you stop with the fabulousness already? Love the song and the bravery in sharing. I am confident you'll fit perfectly into whatever role you build for yourself up here.

Judging by these comments, we ALL believe in your wonderful self so take that knowledge and wrap it around you during those cold nights. Times of transition are always hard but they do pass and you will grow into yourself. And we get to watch the process through your eloquent musings. Lucky us!

[Deb]

Adding my voice to those who want to compliment. Seriously I would buy a CD of that song. Keep it up, don't stop. Love the song and your voice. Lovely....

[Sonia (DDM)]

Bravo! You have a beautiful voice on top of all of your other wonderfulness? I call not fair. :-)

[Kristin]

4.7 blogs. That stuns me.

(You do have a fab voice too, lovely)

[wordgirl]

You are aware that you're good, right? I mean...you've got a great voice.

[Lady M]

You have a beautiful voice - thanks for sharing your song and many talents. I'm glad that you're admitting you're a writer these days, because you're a terrific one!

[Michelle]

That song is just amazing and I just want to hear it again and again! Thank you for sharing it. You are blessed with so many talents. I don't think your ever too old to reinvent yourself...at least I'm hoping not I am 30 and need a whole lot of reinventing in my life.

[Kvetch]

You are very talented in so many ways. Thanks for letting me in. I know many have listened, and many more will, but it felt very personal.

[Suebob]

Stop being so fabulous in every single way. It is depressing me. No, go on ahead. I will just deal with it.

[crazedparent]

wow! now you're going to need to upload more songs, you know. very cool kristen.

[Glennia]

What all the people before me said? Ditto. Times 100. You're awesome.

[Amy]

Really, really pretty. Thanks for sharing.

[lildb]

that was really lovely.

[Erin]

Loved the song...love your blog!!
Dang, you are talented!!!

[Nicole]

You might feel like you're still trying to figure out what to do with it, but the talent, the passion, is there. Beautiful.

I also turned thirty in March and am trying to figure out where my graduate-school-intended career is going (if anywhere) or if it is time for another path altogether. I thought I might have it figured out by now, but I don't. I'm okay with that.

[Mom101]

Is there anything you can't do? Impressed. Seriously impressed. (See how serious?)

[Jenny In Queensland]

That was beautiful, Thank you for sharing. I loved your voice and would love to hear more. When are you going to add singer/star to your growing list of achievements?

[fizzle]

Mujer, how is so much talent packed in to one bad ass mama? Love all your layers....

(would love to chat w/ you about the biracial piece someday, I thnk I can relate pretty well)

[chelle]

Very pretty...totally the style I would listen to :) Thanks for sharing!

[Sarah-Jean]

You are soooo talented!! Wow!!

[Dee Dee]

That is so amazing. You are mighty talented. You should give yourself some more credit! I would totally buy that.

[Melissa]

That rocks....I'd buy it. :)

You my friend, are very multi-talented. As women, we are always re-inventing ourselves. Not knowing who and what you are is not un-common at 30...hell my mom is 52 and says she still doesn't know. But you have a ton of skills, don't sell yourself short.

[krista]

Wow. Wow wow wow.

Beautiful. I hear your soul in your throat. Amazing.

[Kristina]

Beautiful Song and what a great voice.

I totally understand what you mean about finding yourself. I'm still doing that too. I will be 29.

[Lisa B]

I am really cursing my computer and the fact that I can't seem to get my speakers working.... Will have to pester hubby to let me hear it on his laptop.

[Jennifer]

Wow! You truly are an amazing person, and absolutely talented! Your voice reminded me of a cross between the easy-listening singers of the seventies that I grew up on, and a laid-back Alannis Morrisette. More proof of why I really enjoy visiting your site. Each time I get a peek at how diverse you are!

[Heather]

Coming out of lurkdom here to tell you that you are FREAKING awesome! Talent oozes from you, miss. :)

[Waya]

SO SO TALENTED MS. CHASE!! We can say that we knew you when once you have your own album!

[Dawn I.]

I agree. That sounded awesome!

[Nancy]

DAMN, woman. You have some SERIOUS talent. Wow. You can write, you can play, you can sing. Is there anything you cannot do?