Who Does #2 Work For?

I used to obsess about the one side of my hair that flips out instead of under. Or my one small boob. But seriously, who has time to worry about that shit anymore when there's, well, SHIT.

Yes. I obsess about shit. Don't you?

When did she poop last? What did it look like? Was it soft, hard, formed, wet, dry, blue? Did you save the diaper so I can look at it?

I don't even think I asked my now husband that many questions before I slept with him, and lord knows I knew nothing about his poop.

Seriously, I never cared so much about anything in the world until poop.

My daughter's poop. I know all about it.

Grainy? Soy yogurt. Blue? Blueberries. Soft and runny? Teething. Brown and Formed? God has smiled upon me.

Yep. My life revolves around shit. Big brown shit. Or least, we can only hope that it's that color, right? I used to look at her diaper every freaking day when she was an infant due to her weird food allergy thing. I'd see red streaks = blood, stinky = bad, and come to think of it, I might have even seen the Virgin Mary.

Damnit. I could have sold that one on Ebay.

I'd sniff it, push it around with a stick, and google "weird baby poo" at least once a day. Ha. I probably ended up at a few of your blogs without even knowing it.

I seriously wake up and between thoughts of donuts, Johnny Depp orgasms, and the sound my thighs make when they slap together as I walk, I wish for a formed brown healthy poop to pop out of my daughter's ass.

When my friend's sister talked about her new son's poop, I asked her about it like I was trying to guess a secret ingredient in this great German Chocolate cake. "Oooh! Is it yellow and curdy?," I inquired, with absolutely no shame whatsoever. And then she agrees and I find myself scarily jealous.

Damnit. She got the yellow curdy shit. Lucky bastards.

So, if you have a poop question. Green poop. Yellow poop. Blue and even orange poop. Ask me. I'm the Dr. Suess of Poop. A pooperologist. The boss of #2.

Because let's face it. If you can't hope for a good shit, then what is there to hope for in this world?

Comments

[Greg]

I would like for someone With a 3 Munts old baby girl to email me, because I have a question about baby shit. please email me very soon. I'm ready to talk Hope to here from your soon.

[Angela]

my 17 mth old son has never done a hard poop he is eating everything we eat i have other children and by this age they were doing hard poops just wondering if this is normal?

[THE POOP MUNCHER]

well i poo abwt twice a year nikki so i fink ur both a bit weird but myne cums out lyk a slush puppie and i dnt no why becos i eat rather normally buh i fink its bekos i got wiv dis teacher mrs clark and i fink her minging serliva had dun sumin tu me :O tell me wt yu fink please

[Lucy & Nikki]

we have just read this after a long convosation about poo! We were talking about how many poos we do a day and i (Lucy) said around 1 - 2 times but Nikki said only 1 time every 2 days which one of us is normal?

[Shawna]

Okay I am obsessed with the poop too. I have a 12 yr old, 10 yr old, 8 year old, and Poopy diaper face (what his nickname is) 2 1/2 yr old. I think the funniest time I remember is when my now 12 year old at a whole bag yes bag of Double Bubble Bubble gum. Okay that rule about waiting for it to come out in 7 years, yeah a myth. I wasn't sure about who to call first poison control or the doctor. I found the new bag emptied under her bed. She ate probably about 30-40 pieces. The doctor said well it will come out, just take her to the emergency room if she gets stomach pains. Nice I thought, But you can bet that when the gum was coming out I wanted to see if she would fart and make a bubble.

[Heather]

My 17 month old had soft, yellowish brown poop today. I can't think of anything unusual that she's eaten lately, but she has been acting strange (more whiny, subdued)...is she sick or was it just something she ate?
Also, I've noticed that lots of banana = toxic smelling poop.

[Jen]

I am poop obsessed too. I actually called my mom once to tell her I was in the middle of changing the most....I can't believe I am about to say this....prettiest poop I had ever seen. Demented, huh? She thought I was loopy! It was bright, flouresent green, like spring grass. Also, apparently the day before my son had craisins and mandarin oranges for snack. Both of which go straight down the slide like corn! It was a RAINBOW of poop! I will always remember it! So PLEASE tell me, WHAT MADE THE POOP GREEN??????

[petunia]

I get a lot of black or green tar-like poop from my 5 month old - what is that all about??

[Denise C.]

Forget about the shit. You have a small boob like me. Hello, sister...we have obviously been separated since birth.

[wordgirl]

If you feed your kid almond poppyseed muffins, the poop looks like there are a ton of ants in it. No, really!

[Izzy]

Dear Poopologist...can you tell me why the carrots I so lovingly cook for my son make his shit stink so badly? I mean it's REALLY BAD!

[emma]

The point when you will no longer be fascinated by your daughter's poop will be about three months into potty training, when you are handwashing your hundredth pair of poopy panties (you know damn well that poo doesn't come off in the washing machine unless you rinse the pants out first). And soon you will not care about what texture the poop is, just whether it lands in the damned potty!

[Momish]

Yep. You hit it right on. The first time I saw whole kernals of corn in my daughters poop, I cried. My little baby was growing up! Poop is the poetry of the butt.

[Mommy off the Record]

Ah, yes, the poop obsession. I know it well. My dad takes care of my son for me when I work and whenever some unusual things happen with the poop (like constipation), he saves the diaper for me so I can see. Even though I never want to see. I feel the description of the poop is enough. But he still saves the diapers for me. Every time. Eww.

[sweatpantsmom]

The entire time I was reading your post I had this song going through my head:

I like big poops and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny...

[Lady M]

Totally off topic - but I looove the Squid Soap from your Cool Mom Picks posting. Good hygiene and cleverness, all in one.

[Dana]

I remember these days....now, I can't stand poopy diapers. I do my best to pawn that job off to my husband! :)

[KAT]

Wow, did you hit on a topic that gets people talking! I thought I was the only one who conversed about poop so much. I don't even have a kid-- just a puppy-- but it seems to be the only topic of conversation with my boyfriend some days. "Did she poop? How many times? What'd it look like?" You really get to know a person when they're willing to describe fecal matter in minute detail. Great blog!

[Danielle]

My 2 girls are exact opposites in the poop spectum. My oldest was always constipated, once waiting 10 days when she was a baby! My youngest has the softest mushyiest go everywhere type of poop, I am waiting for the day I don't see full grape skins in her diaper! And it's true about the BM question, whenever my oldest has any type of ailment, I always ask her when she pooped last!

[Bobita]

When my 3 yr old daughter announces that she has to go potty...it is my oldest son who asks, "pee or poop?" If she says "poop" he then asks, "is it diarrhea or no?"

He has heard me ask these questions WAAAAAAY to much!

By the way, my baby has had a very glue-like, dark brown, stiiiiiinky poop the past few days...what do you think it could be? ;)

[Robina]

I have never read anything so funny in all my life! Just what I needed today!

My 3-year-old always has BIG, HARD, poop, and announces, "This is gonng hurt. It's a big one."

So, why is that? I'm thinking too much milk.

[Sunshine Scribe]

I was equally poop obsessed. A poop expert.

Until the day I found a diaper full of what I was sure was maggots. Hundreds of white maggots. I freaked out. Called everyone. Googled "maggot poo". Just about raced off to the ER .. until I thought to call his daycare.

Turns out he ate handfuls of uncooked rice at the sensory table and they must have "cooked" in his tummy on the way out.

[Liz]

No question, but this reminded me of the oft-told story of when I was a baby (in the cloth diaper days) and my mother unwisely fed me loads of fresh nectarine, leading to an unfortunate incident in a restaurant that night.

Put it this way-- I'm sure the restaurant had to steam-clean the carpet and burn the high chair.

[Jenny]

Some days I wonder if it would be wrong of me to switch the 2-year-old back to baby food.

Big-People-Type-Food=Big-People-Type-Shit

Ewwww, that smell.

[StarWidget]

I. love. you.

[Fizzle]

...how do I say in a way to not offend? I do not want to be or become a poopologist. The day I find myself with a stick and magnifying glasses, I will ask that someone put me out in a pasture. Or better yet, seat me at a young, hip bar with barely clad 20 somethings taking shots.

[Redneck mommy]

Right now I just wish there wasn't so much shit coming out of my nephew's ass.

Or my husband's mouth.

[Fresh Mommy]

Shit, poop, crap, #2, big one (that's my mother's wording of choice) -- it's a big topic over here.

My daughter had the bloody poop, too (dairy allergy) and now usually has brown mushy poops. Brown and formed = good day.

Of course, my own poops are a concern. I was constipated last week for the 2nd time in my life (first was right after giving birth; it sort of blends in with the whole experience). It's really not fun when you have a house full of people and you're sitting on the john praying that the hard turd that's stuck half in and half out of your rectum will just ease itself out, for the love of God!

[Mrs. Chicky]

I'm all about the frequency and time that shit happens these days. If I leave my daughter with my husband for the day the first question I ask, after How Was Your Day, is usually "Did she poop? How many times? Did she go in the morning or make you wait all day?"

When did this happen to me, dear God, when?

[TB]

Having had problems of my own in this area for my entire life, I have been hoping that my issues won't get passed on to my baby. I'm sure I'll be spending an inordinate amount of time on poop analysis.
But they say life changes when you have a baby, right?

[TW]

OHHHHHHHHHH I miss the yellow curdy days so much. I really really miss them. I don't even have anyone in diapers anymore at home.

[Krissy]

When I was 12, dreaming of what my life would be like, my 3 kids (yeah right!), my husband (still just a boyfriend!!!), and our beautiful home with the white picket fence (rented duplex with ugly bushes in front that have lizards living in them)...I never expected to care so much about shit.

[Sarah]

My mom must have been like this when we were babies. Growing up if you had ANY physical ailment, be it an upset stomach to a gash on the forehead, she would always ask 'when did you last have a good BM?'

[Jacquie]

Wow that was too funny, oh the joys of being a Mom. My oh so fave to see in the old diapy is the grapes or black olive poop! Now that is gross. LOL

[Kathy Bliss]

Do they hand out degrees for poopologists? Because I think I just might have earned one...

[jennP]

poop was also my main concern. My daughter had constipation issues. she not ONCE in her life had anything other than very firm dark brown poop! LOL My sister and I talked about our childrens poops for hours on the phone. she had the opposite problem (too soft) and my daughter has not had a bout of diarrhea yet! she is 4.5!

only moms can understand this poop thing! LOL

[CPA Mom]

I'm all about shit these days myself. Unfortunately, it's mine I'm worried about. I posted about it today.

[mothergoosemouse]

Blueberry shit is awful. The color doesn't bother me, but the texture is a bitch to fully clean off the child's behind.

And raisins are quite startling to find in a diaper. Coming out, they look eerily similar to how they looked going in.

Yep, I'm obsessed too.

[Jonathon]

I never thought I'd talk about shit so often, and with so much interest, until I had a child. Now, I'm sitting here READING about shit, and thinking..."yeah...yeah that's right" -- intrigued, and eager for more.

Shit.

[karyn]

I went through that too... until I was in your pregnant shoes... at which point my firstborn was teething. I went to change him one day & nearly yarked all over him, so great was the fume-content of his diaper. I stopped being so vigilant after that & just got it over with as quickly as possible. Deep breath, a half-hearted swipe with a fistful of wipes, & bob'syouruncle, we're done.

Take it easy... with two kids, there will never be a shortage of crap, one way or another.

[karyn]

I went through that too... until I was in your pregnant shoes... at which point my firstborn was teething. I went to change him one day & nearly yarked all over him, so great was the fume-content of his diaper. I stopped being so vigilant after that & just got it over with as quickly as possible. Deep breath, a half-hearted swipe with a fistful of wipes, & bob'syouruncle, we're done.

Take it easy... with two kids, there will never be a shortage of crap, one way or another.

[Becky Brahma]

OMG...you sounds just like me. When my daughter was a month old, we had poop issues (constipation) and she actually ripped her anus when she went and we had to reteach her how to poop. Well, ever since then (and she is 3 now) poop (her poop exactly) is regular topic in this household, and God help you if you are a guest in this house, you are exposed to shit talk!