Good Evening Fair Citizens of the Blogosphere.
It has come to my attention, thanks to the small toddler slide at the playground and my new scent of choice, Preparation H, that the current state of my ass is grim.
I started this pregnancy with high hopes, for an ass that would indeed cleanly lift out of the chair at the doctor's office without a shoe horn, and hemorrhoids that might not be visible outside of my pants. However, thanks to a 20 hour car ride, way too many super sized McDonald's french fries, and the fear that my in-laws will walk in on me in the bathroom, I do believe I'll be wearing thick jeans and extra underpants for the rest of my lifetime.
It's one thing to get stuck in a slide and not fit on the swing (yes, you read that correctly), but when you could potentially crush a New England state by simply sitting on it, then you start to worry. Particularly when you still have 4 more months and two eating holidays to endure.
Perhaps you think the state of my ass does not affect you personally. In fact, I imagine the thought of my ass does not even cross your mind when you read my blog. Well, except those who came by way of their "hot pregnant mom with big ass" search. (Yes, I'm still hot damnit). But considering only one of my ass cheeks fits on my in-laws' computer chair, I'm going to have to do significantly less blogging. And blog reading. And I can hardly sit still for one good blog post before I'm itching (oy) to get up.
I know. It's getting bad.
So, while I attempt to find a bigger chair, and some type of maternity pants that stay up and suck in, bear with me.
Otherwise, you may need to come to Philadelphia and pull me off the toddler slide. I'll be the one with laceless chucks, double fisting Tasty Cake Pumpkin pies (in case there are other women stuck in the slide with me).
Thank you. And good night.
Hello,
I'd appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging Ball Chair.
I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur :) I'd like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it'd be swell if you can place our link on your blog.
Thank you,
Sean
Posted by: sean | December 10, 2008 at 07:06 AM
Hello,
I'd appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging Ball Chair.
I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur :) I'd like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it'd be swell if you can place our link on your blog.
Thank you,
Sean
Posted by: sean | December 10, 2008 at 07:04 AM
LOL! If your left ass cheek is in pain, check this out, it might help you out. hehehe... relax the back shop http://www.therelaxbackstore.com .
Posted by: Shannon | July 10, 2007 at 02:18 AM
I have a good offer for you.Don't use a chair during your pregnancy to write.Just sit on pillows.This way you won't think how big your as is getting.I personally have tried it.It works.:)
Posted by: Cara Fletcher | April 02, 2007 at 02:00 PM
Damn, every single time you blog about food -- even a brief reference -- I have to go eat it.
Keep rockin'...
Posted by: Damselfly | October 07, 2006 at 12:53 PM
Stool softners work. I had to take 'em too, and would have lost some serious inches of intestines had I not!
Posted by: Robina | October 06, 2006 at 04:52 PM
My left ass cheek will join you. I'll bring the cheesesteaks.
Posted by: Carolyn | October 06, 2006 at 03:48 PM
My left ass cheek will join you. I'll bring the cheesesteaks.
Posted by: Carolyn | October 06, 2006 at 03:47 PM
ME TOO! Nice big grapelike ones. Awesome.
But, they are not as bad or painful as last time. Let me give it to you in 5 words:
Prenatal Vitamins WITH STOOL SOFTENER.
I speak the truth. They exist, and I not longer have to do Lamaze breathing when unloading a poo-poo. Ask your practitioner, baby!
Posted by: joy | October 06, 2006 at 02:38 PM
Oh god, Tastykakes. I LOVE those things. Do they still have Wawa convenience stores in Philly? I lived on those fresh deli sandwiches when I lived there. Yum.
And quit being so hard on yourself, it's a TODDLER slide. You're not supposed to fit in it!
Posted by: Elizabeth | October 06, 2006 at 02:07 PM
For the love of all that is good and holy, it's Tastykakes, people! With a "k."
Carry on...
Posted by: Lori | October 06, 2006 at 01:14 PM
I hear great things about those exercise ball desk chair combo thingies. As my ass seems to be boundlessly expanding too, i'm thinking of investing
Posted by: Fidget | October 06, 2006 at 12:21 PM
Aren't you supposed to end such an address with "and God bless us, everyone" or something like that? ;) This post was classic. It's something that we have to laugh about, or else we'd cry.
Posted by: Binky | October 06, 2006 at 09:07 AM
You are adorable! Take lots of pictures, because it's just the hormones whispering 'fat ass', and not the reality.
... But I sure have been where you are now:
http://annenahm.com/?p=21
Just scroll on down to the TMI and commiserate.
Posted by: anne nahm | October 05, 2006 at 11:51 PM
Laughing MY ass off!!! Well, technically, I think it's growing bigger as I sit here, reading, but God was that funny! Lemme know the next time you hit the slides here in Philly... there's a Wawa just around the corner that's well stocked with the 'Kakes!
Posted by: Susan | October 05, 2006 at 09:55 PM
Like Mom101, I'd gladly trade asses. Mine is already huge, and I'm barely pregnant. Forget toddler slides, I'll be lucky if I can fit through doors by the time I reach your point in pregnancy.
Hope you'll still keep blogging some. After all, how else will you vent about your in-laws and keep sane?
Posted by: Christina | October 05, 2006 at 08:57 PM
Hilarious! Hey, forget about the size of your ass-comfort food may be the only comfort you get right now, so enjoy it! Those slides are made for little kid butts anyway.
Posted by: Sara | October 05, 2006 at 05:22 PM
At least you have access to TastyKakes (and the valid excuse to eat them for at least four more months)!
Don't leave out the Butterscotch Crimpets!
Posted by: PunditMom | October 05, 2006 at 02:20 PM
Keep eating! Your baby needs it! At least, that's what I told myself when I was pregnant. And probably why I gained 70 lbs. My grandmothers, from the days of "don't gain more than 15 lbs...", about died when I told them that.
Posted by: Hippie Mama | October 05, 2006 at 02:19 PM
I have seen your ass. I will gladly trade you asses.
Posted by: Mom101 | October 05, 2006 at 01:53 PM
state of the ass - hilarious.
you are entitled right now - and this too shall pass. succumb and enjoy.
Posted by: jen | October 05, 2006 at 01:14 PM
Oh my gosh, even your ass expands when you're pregnant?!? There go my dreams of ever having children! Is it possible to sign up for one of those pregnancies where you have Heidi Klum's body with a cute little bump in front?
Eh, how often do you have such a good excuse for eating French fries and Tasty Cakes? Remember, you're eating for two so you're actually only eating half of... what you're eating. Oh, you know what I mean.
Posted by: KAT | October 05, 2006 at 11:29 AM
Laceless Chucks are COOL, and have been scientifically proven to decrease the appearance of the size of one's ass.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | October 05, 2006 at 10:26 AM
Hey - you have an excuse! Eat up and enjoy!
("State of my Ass Address" - too funny!)
Posted by: Ruth Dynamite | October 05, 2006 at 09:53 AM
I tried to sit at the table in the children's section of the library last week. I couldn't fit my ass in the chair. My friend could. Her mother could. But I could not. In complete shame, I knelt at the table. (Which is probably for the best, because had I insisted on squeezing and cramming my ginormmous behind into that wretched seat, I would have probably required a gallon of WD40 and a stick of dynamite to get out again. Or, equally possible, Ithe damn chair would've splintered into kindling and matchstick sized pieces.)
And girl, I am NOT pregnant.
You're okay. It's all good. And for crissakes, get some witch hazel tucks pads and USE THEM. It helps. Swear.
Posted by: Karyn | October 05, 2006 at 09:45 AM
mmm...tasty cake pumpkin pies...
Posted by: ali | October 05, 2006 at 07:07 AM
Pleeeeaaase don't let your big ass stop you from blogging! If it gives you superwoman abilities to squash a state with then how can it inhibit your writing abilities?! Sure the chair may not be comfy, but hey, what's comfy when your half-way through your pregnancy? Come to think of it - think how UNcomfy sitting would be if you had a skinny, boney booty supporting a growing pregnant belly, ouch, sombody get the lady a pillow! And more cakes while you're at it thank you.
Posted by: Katie | October 05, 2006 at 04:55 AM
I have to carry little bags of food with me even when I'm not pregnant, so you can imagine what it was like when I was. Mmmm, those MacDonald's fries sound good. Sending you hugs! Hope you find a good chair for the computer.
Posted by: Lady M | October 05, 2006 at 02:22 AM
Sending you hugs. And more hugs. ANd some of those Tucks pads too!
Posted by: Lisa B | October 05, 2006 at 12:33 AM
I am not alone. Thank you.
Posted by: chelle | October 05, 2006 at 12:07 AM
But seriously.
I did get stuck in the slide.
No shit.
Posted by: Kristen | October 04, 2006 at 11:03 PM
Oooh, tastycakes!
Posted by: nonlineargirl | October 04, 2006 at 10:35 PM
Aw sweetie. I know you are exaggerating and that you are still completely hot. And YOU ARE HAVING A BABY. Memo to Kristin - cut self slack.
Me, on the other hand - I have NO excuse.
Posted by: Suebob | October 04, 2006 at 10:21 PM
Don't remind me about the ass shrinkage.
And the pies.
YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Posted by: Kristen | October 04, 2006 at 09:21 PM
Just wait.
What in high holy hell are Tasty Cake Pumpkin pies and why don't they sell them in Canada.
(the big ass, it shrinks, you know. Mine went from the size of my kitchen table to the size of an inverted walnut in one month flat) :-)
Posted by: Kristin | October 04, 2006 at 09:06 PM
Don't worry. I'm catching up to you. And Tasty Cake makes pumpkin pies, dude, I'll be right there.
Posted by: TB | October 04, 2006 at 08:50 PM
I'll be right over to help you. 'Cause if you're going to crush a New England state there's a good chance you'll hit me. I'll be proactive and go to you.
*smooches*
Posted by: Mrs. Chicky | October 04, 2006 at 08:41 PM
Call me, I'll come help you off that slide. But only if you promise to share the pumpkin tastycakes! Live it up, being pregnant over the holidays is a joyous thing indeed! (of coures unless you are diagnosed with gestational diabetes a week before Thanksgiving, then it sucks wind, trust me!)
Posted by: Momish | October 04, 2006 at 08:12 PM
When seven months pregnant with my second (with two hot months left to go) people were yelling at me from cars and coming out of their houses to stare at me. I jest not. Helpful (ha!) people would yell from cars as they passed "YOU HAVIN' TWINS?!" or "SHOULD YOU BE OUT?" and be well down the road before I thought of a jaunty riposte.
I was huge. Enormous. Beyond large. I outgrew all available maternity wear. I scared small children and young women considering pregnancy doubled their birth control. Women prayed they would never look like me.
Thus I wandered the streets of Philadelphia. Welcome.
Posted by: Francesca (Stuntmother) | October 04, 2006 at 07:55 PM
Revel in it. Both my pregnancies were nine month orgies of gluttony.
I was fortunate that one of the only comfortable places I ever found to sit was my office chair, although I'll admit that I sat cross-legged on the floor in more than one meeting.
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | October 04, 2006 at 07:47 PM
MULTIPLE SUPER SIZED MCDONALD'S FRIES?!
you're a goddess among women.
Posted by: sweetney | October 04, 2006 at 07:22 PM