Good Evening Fair Citizens of the Blogosphere.
It has come to my attention, thanks to the small toddler slide at the playground and my new scent of choice, Preparation H, that the current state of my ass is grim.
I started this pregnancy with high hopes, for an ass that would indeed cleanly lift out of the chair at the doctor's office without a shoe horn, and hemorrhoids that might not be visible outside of my pants. However, thanks to a 20 hour car ride, way too many super sized McDonald's french fries, and the fear that my in-laws will walk in on me in the bathroom, I do believe I'll be wearing thick jeans and extra underpants for the rest of my lifetime.
It's one thing to get stuck in a slide and not fit on the swing (yes, you read that correctly), but when you could potentially crush a New England state by simply sitting on it, then you start to worry. Particularly when you still have 4 more months and two eating holidays to endure.
Perhaps you think the state of my ass does not affect you personally. In fact, I imagine the thought of my ass does not even cross your mind when you read my blog. Well, except those who came by way of their "hot pregnant mom with big ass" search. (Yes, I'm still hot damnit). But considering only one of my ass cheeks fits on my in-laws' computer chair, I'm going to have to do significantly less blogging. And blog reading. And I can hardly sit still for one good blog post before I'm itching (oy) to get up.
I know. It's getting bad.
So, while I attempt to find a bigger chair, and some type of maternity pants that stay up and suck in, bear with me.
Otherwise, you may need to come to Philadelphia and pull me off the toddler slide. I'll be the one with laceless chucks, double fisting Tasty Cake Pumpkin pies (in case there are other women stuck in the slide with me).
Thank you. And good night.