Dear Men: Sometimes it's okay to think with your penis...

Because I imagine it would NEVER let you tell your wife that she looks like a pre-surgery Carnie Wilson.

So, I'm officially interviewing new husbands. If you live near a big city, enjoy having sex, like kids, and happen to look like Jude Law, Brad Pitt, or HELL, even Tom Cruise, then feel free to leave me a comment.

Comments

[Mari]

Nothing wrong with looking like a pre-surgery Carnie Wilson! Better than the behind of a donkey!

[Truth]

Well everyone thinks i look like Jean claude van dam.But i'am disqualified because i actually moved from Miami to Tremont,ms.So no i do not live in a metro area.

[sweatpantsmom]

I'm late to this, but geez, Kristen - this just makes me want to cry.

It's awful he said this. And something to consider carefully - don't let him subject your daughter to this.

These rude, insensitive comments are bad enough for an adult to take, but think about what they could do to your little girl's self-esteem over the long run.

[gunfighter]

A crappy thing to say...

Even when my wife and I are mad at each other, which is mercifully rare, I would NEVER say something likt that to her.

Some people just don't have any sense of being decent to other people.

[CroutonBoy]

Wow...lots of anger from your readers for that comment.

I'm not so much concerned about his insensitivity as I am about his judgement. You might THINK that about someone (say, Rosie O'Donnell) but I'd certainly never SAY it. And I'm SURE you don't look like that.

And although I fit all the criteria you outlined for a new husband I'm technically off the market and must withdraw my application.

[Izzy]

Wow...what a thoughtless thing to say. Joking or not, that one is worth a swift pointy shoe to the crotch.

[Denise C.]

C'mon, Carnie looks cute with that "jaunty" beret. Bet you haven't been called jaunty in a while. :)

[Heather]

I hope he got himself out of that one. Does he understand that's something you shouldn't say to any woman, whether she's PG or not?

BTW, my DH says a lot of stupid things too, but I know it's just because he doesn't often say things the right way first time around.

[Kristen]

Oh Mama Tulip...

I'm so glad you're back.

[mamatulip]

Wow. That's worse than the time my husband said, "I love you, Karen."

My name's not Karen.

[the weirdgirl]

Ooooh-KAY! Clueless and a dick... I didn't think that was possible. (He probably thought he was being funny, right?)

BTW, I have a feeling that he is secretly immensely intimidated by your intelligence.

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

You want to borrow mine? He likes to have sex A LOT but once he said I looked like Woody Allen and another time he said I had a mustache. Not sure if thats much better. Hm.

[Mom101]

Dude, some guy down there just told you he likes giving oral!

I say go for it.

I'm with BFF. I'm sick over this. And to think I was nice to him for the whole five minutes that I met him. Ugh.

[b]

I am so sorry that someone as lovely, funny, bright, and charming as you has such a festering turd of a husband.

Unfortunately, your choices are 1) leaving him now, 2) leaving him eventually, 3) spending the rest of your life with him.

If you think he might change and become a kind, considerate, decent person, #3 might be an option. Otherwise you're either just putting off the inevitable or resigning yourself to less than you deserve.

You deserve someone who makes you happy. Everybody deserves somebody who makes them happy.

[Andi]

Wow!!! What an ASSHAT!!! We don't live in a big city, and my sweetie doesn't look like Brad Pitt, Jude Law or Tom Cruise, but he's not half bad to look at, likes sex, loves kids (even though he's not sure that we can afford any more) and is usually kind. (We've had a rough couple of weeks but out of 13 1/2 years of marriage, a couple of bad weeks are barely worth mentioning...) I'd be happy to share.

[tracey]

Holy crow girl, that man needs a bitch slap! Care to fly me out there to take care of that for you?

[Jenn]

stunned. attempted comeback, or no, that's just...ack. remind him that comebacks are supposed to be witty, as you're volleying sharp, pointy objects at him.

how far are you willing to move? I'll keep my eyes open for you up here.

[BFF]

WHA..
WHA..
WHA...
WHAAAAT?!?

Did you tell him that he looks like the lead meerkat in Meerkat Manor?!

A ferret with dorky shoes?!

A weasel with a bad haircut?!

For the love of all that keeps sanity intact...we need to replace his chapstick with some superglue.

[rachel]

yikes. Wow. I hope you smacked him.

I've got a MIL story I'm posting in a little bit that makes yours look sane, if that helps

I've got a brother in NYC. He's cute (blue eyes, dark hair) and likes kids, but he's a neat freak, so the kids need to wash their hands a lot. My kids love him. And he's filled with stories of the things he did wrong, which we use as morality tales for my kids.

[mothergoosemouse]

Let me be the first to say that not all military men act like THAT.

We tease the crap out of each other, but we know where the boundaries are. And on the rare occasion that we cross a line, we apologize.

How's therapy going?

[Binky]

That guy makes me rethink my infatuation with military men.

[Sunshine Scribe]

Oh. My. God. Not cool. Not cool. I've have a few handsome, nice single friends but they are way the hell up here in Canada ... willing to relocate?!?

[Meena]

No, he didn't?!?!?

I did meet a lawyer recently who reminded me of McDreamy, only better hair and more attractive. And he made some comment to me (flirting?) that made me think he has some respect for women. No ring. But I think he lives in some little town somewhere (although he often works in the "big" city). But he does fight for the environment, so lots of plusses. Anyway, I was dreaming there for a second :-)

[Karen]

Whoa.

And oh my! Amy offered you Mr. Chicken. My sister's in-laws are not quite like your in-laws, but I still wouldn't take her up on it.

[AndreaDetroit]

WOW! What a dick! You are beautiful and he's an insensitive prick. I'm sure he thought he was being funny, but there is NOTHING funny about his rude comment. I think you should scare some sense into his ass and go look for an apartment or stay with some friends or something. If you let him treat you like that, it's not going to get better, only worse. Good Luck, you deserve better than that!

[Amy]

I don't like your husband. I think he's The Suck.

Sorry, this is my first ever comment and I can't hold it in any longer. You are beautiful, he's such a shit.

Hang in there.
x.

[Shannon - PHAT Mommy]

Yikes. There is something SO MUCH BETTER waiting for you, girl.

[Mrs. Chicken]

Oh, Kristen.

Would you like Mr. Chicken? You'd get to have canned baked beans for Christmas ...

Seriously, send him to me and I'll kick his ass.

[Lisa B]

I think its about you get yourself a voodoo doll. You know -- a boy one in a military uniform. heehee.

[Kellie]

No husband leads--sorry. My marriage ended not so nicely so, I obviously suck in the marriage department. I'm sorry he's such a schmo--no woman ESPECIALLY a pregnant one deserves to be treated the way you have been/are. You are beautiful, smart, talented, witty and a wonderful mother!

[brad]

live near a big city? - check
enjoy having sex? - check (especially giving oral!)
look like brad, jude or tom? - no (but i have been told i look like peyton manning...)
like kids? - check

and, i'm housebroken!! today's been a good day, so i'm not sure my wife would want to trade me in, there's probably about 340 days a year when she would tho, i'll get back to you on one of those days.

in the meantime, dump your chump. I'm sure he has some good points, but it looks like the bad points are pretty bad.

best of luck!

[Suebob]

I guess now is the time to reveal that what you're carrying isn't his darling next child, but the Alien...and that it is looking for its next victim.

[karyn]

No effing way.

Wow. Well. You do whatever you have to do, girl, we've got your back. Plus, the female contingent of a jury would understand and find you Not Guilty.

You know. Of...whatever.

Hang tight sister - you're gorgeous and perfect. Tell him anyone can see that once their head has been pulled out of their ass. Then throw a pair of pliers at his ass and take the night off.

[karyn]

No effing way.

Wow. Well. You do whatever you have to do, girl, we've got your back. Plus, the female contingent of a jury would understand and find you Not Guilty.

[Mrs. Q.]

All I can say is "EEEEEK!" He better sleep with one eye open. I'm sure he followed with, "Oh, honey, the only way I can make a joke like that is because it's SO NOT TRUE!" That would be what my hubby would say. Before I smothered him.

[DD]

That means you know what you need to do if you want him to quit thinking with it...Bobbit.

[Kristen]

To be fair, he was trying to come up with a comeback since I'm "mean to him all the time."

Mainly because he says stupid shit.

Like that.

[Blog Antagonist]

You know, a good ass can only take you so far in this life. I think he's reached the end of that road.

[Plain Jane Mom]

Whoa. I guess that "thinking" will be about all his penis will be doing for a while.

[Kristen]

2nd Round? Damn. I should meet them right off the bat.

Thanks for reminding me.

OR maybe I should just auction my husband off on ebay.

[Monicaa]

Don't forget that for the second round of interviews, you should get to meet the inlaws.

[CharmingDriver]

Oh my grief and goodness. I've heard of suicidal gestures but that shit is pretty much an invitation to kill him dead.

I'm so sorry he's being unkind and thoughtless. You deserve more and better.

[Redneck mommy]

Man, your hubs has brass balls.

Or rather, he would after I tore them off and had them bronzed.

Good luck with the hubby hunt thing. I can't offer you any advice, seeing as how I obviously sucked at it the first time too.

But, you know what they say: Practice makes perfect.

Or as my step-father-in-law likes to say: The first spouse is for making kids, the second spouse is for making love and the third spouse is for nothing but companionship.

Good luck with that!

[Maddmomma]

Sorry, I can't help you with a husband lead. :( My mom loves the saying "The nut doesn't fall far from the tree." Sounds like this is the case with your wonderful in-laws and your husband.

[Nancy]

NO HE DIDN'T.

It's called PREGNANCY, dude. Grow up.

No husband leads for you, sorry my dear.

[Elena]

hehe...he doesn't look like ANY of those movie stars, but he's handsome (until you get to know him, that is, and he becomes The Face Of Evil), and I would be MORE than happy to lend him to you for an undetermined (I mean, unlimited!) time period. His mom is deceased and he only sees his dad a few times a year (his father's fifth wife keeps him bizzybizzy with the home remodeling process, guess she learned a little something from wives 1-4) so that's a plus, right???

I found your blog through the blogher link at wouldashouda.com--I love your blog. I am sick of reading about how "my husband is the wind beneath my wings" on mommyblogs when the truth is that husbands suck. Worse, they expect to BE sucked, even WHEN they suck. Let's get together soon and investigate the wide and wonderful world of hired husband killers!