Life's Little Tidbits from My In-Laws

1) Toys must be actually played with by a 2-year-old. If they are thrown around, or dumped out too frequently, they should be kept out of her reach. Apparently, they need to talk, dance, or jump out at you in order to be considered TOYS.

2) Toddlers don't need to eat or drink before 9am. And if they do, make sure to give them a full-sized glazed chocolate donut, because that's "what they like."

3) If your toddler dresses herself but you don't like what she's wearing, then you should piss her off and redress her, because it's all about you and not about the fact that your toddler actually dressed herself.

4) Do not discuss ahead of time that perhaps your daughter-in-law does not want her 2-year-old to get a Barbie make-up kit for Christmas because hey, she loves to get into your make-up, so why not get her some of her own?

5) Pregnant women are not eating for two. Apparently just non-pregnant mother-in-laws who say they are on the South Beach Diet but then eat the WHOLE container of your daughter's animal crackers are.

6) Dishes must be cleaned within 2 minutes of you actually eating upon them or all hell will break loose. Or the world will fall apart -- one or the other.

7) If there's no laundry basket around and you need to put your own clothes in the dryer, take your daughter-in-law's laundry and pile it high on the kitchen chair.

8) It's okay to drink excessively if you drink mixed drinks. But beer, at least for my father-in-law, makes you bitter and nasty. So long as you "sneak" that in the garage, it's like it never happened.

9) Make sure to complain about ugly dark rimmed glasses right in front of people who actually wear dark rimmed glasses. And really like them.

10) There is a correct and incorrect way to do everything. Even creatively playing with blocks, dressing a bear, and um, playing. And if someone is playing incorrectly, make sure to let them know, so they'll turn into an insecure basketcase my husband.

11) Bras dry better hung in the kitchen. But you already knew that.

12) You can never have enough loud talking toys. Ever. Particularly ones that have no off button.

13) Apparently you can drink too much water, but splenda and decaf as your only daily beverage (x24) is great for you, particularly if you're trying to do the Dr. Oz diet.

14) Organic foods are fattening, so you shouldn't bother. It's better to eat everything labeled "fat free." Those ingredients that you could never pronounce or spell are especially tasty.

15) Like people, play-doh colors should remain separate. Mixing will cause the Lord to come down and spit upon us. 

Give me some of your in-laws' life tidbits.

Comments

[jemiumpmek]

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[R]

where can i start with the in laws...?

1. you can't cook anything around my MIL- she wipes the counter clean, turns off the stove, and throws any gadgets I'm still using in the sink if I blink for a second all the while cursing about the "fucking mess" this is making in her kitchen...every single time I make anything to eat. Just because she hates cooking and never eats at her age (53) doesnt mean everyone else is content with eating hamburgers and hotdogs every day.

2. they use the "n" word around and every other racial slur like they're describing food at the supermarket isle every day...

3. my son always wakes up from his morning nap because of MIL's loud cursing comments in the kitchen and she makes comments like: "he really doesn't take long naps"

4. my MIL is friends with other thrash talking low class people. one came over last night and flamed up on me when I told her to stop making weird comments like "your grandpa doesn't love you" over and over. she's a fat fuck. that's all i have to say. (PS) she used to be MIL's maid some 17 years ago whom MIL befriended. Now the jealous bitch thinks she can march in here and demand everyone to serve her fat ass. i called her a low class maid who sleeps with her brother in law last night. (all of which are true)

5. MIL bought me some frilly cheap 3 dollar present for christmas last year, meanwhile i got her the new cartier perfume sold exclusively at cartier and neiman marcus. but she got her kids 500 dollar presents.

6. MIL tells me over and over that i have no jrisdiction over what people say to my 10 month old son because we're living in her house. and that if i dont like it i can stay in my room. what a stupid fucking bitch. how would she like it if her MIL told her that. oh yeah- she kicked her MIL out of the house and country 15 years ago which her husband still hates her for....but has never said anything to MIL. (he confided in me and said he hates her family- even refers to them as the "assholes")

theres prob a lot more, but my head hurts thinking about my MIL. so i will cut this here. plus im really just commenting, not writing my own blog.

[Home Remodeling Ideas]

im glad i still dont have any in-laws...thats a great news for me...

[Brooke]

I love it when we lived in England with my in-laws and I explained to them that my 2 year old's bedtime was around 8pm, and could we possibly eat before then? And then dinner was ready. At 9pm. And we were expected to sit there for an hour and a half and visit. And I was 25 months pregnant.

I ended up just feeding Oliver his own dinner at 6.

I really feel for you. Been there. Will not do it again.

[AmyD]

It's not my MIL -- it's my mother. 1) Tell the 8-year-old grandson that, since a new boy is on the way, he "can't be my favorite grandson anymore." Yeah, he gets that joke. 2) Tell your 10- and 13-year-old granddaughters about your painful gyne appointment where they used scissors to take a biopsy (I am not making this up). 3) Use the n-word liberally in front of your grandkids, but always preface it with "you know I never use this word, but..." 4) Expect us to feel sorry for you because, even though you never tried, it would be really hard to quit smoking. Oh, and the Play-Doh thing. :)

[AdventureDad]

Ehhh, I can't stand my parents but my in-laws are awesome. My MIL is a fucking dream. She's spent three months living with us more than once. My only complaint would be that the FIL is a bit lazy sometime, although never when I'm around since he's scared of me. complaint with MIL is that she sometimes takes too long to get ready. That's it. Now, you want to to tell you about my parents... ?

Nice weekend

AD

[Jamie]

My FIL and his wife sent the kids some gifts in the mail, and addressed them on the wrapping paper to:

3 year old boy,
5 year old boy,
Baby girl

Nevermind the fact that the boys are 4 and 6, and they do have names, as does our daughter!! What are we - some random people they picked off of one of those trees in the store for people who need help with gifts for their children??

Oh, and it was stupid crap they sent too. Nevermind asking what we or the kids need or want, just send stupid crap that is sure to end up in the trash. Once they gave me belated Christmas gifts in July (we live far apart - thank the Lord!) and what they gave me was a cheap Christmas tablecloth, cloth napkins in Christmas print, and napkin rings. They most likely got them on clearance after the holidays. Oy!!

I do have to say though that my MIL is wonderful.

[Denise]

My GAWD, woman! You need to get out of that house...SOON!

[RookieMomHeather]

I didn't realize you were married to my husband. Actual quotes from my in-laws:

1) "You've really let yourself go" -- my FIL upon seeing me pregnant for the first time
2) "Crap, I got Heather's belly in the picture" -- my FIL after accidentally getting part of me in a staged picture of my son and husband

Oh that's all that's bothering me now, but your list made me feel connected!

[Kara]

My three year old daughter should eat her 10 month old brother's baby green beans in order to not waste food. Never mind that the can only cost a dollar and she'd eat a good amount of them. Heck, be happy that she's asking for green beans.

Yes, this really happened. My daughter asked, ever so politely, for green beans and grandma said, "Eat your brother's."

Okay, so grandma's don't have to spoil - which these definately don't. But, could you give in to some freakin green beans!

[Stephanie]

My inlaws aren't near this bad but they do have their moments. MIL is always convinced the kids are cold and it drives her nuts if I don't insist my daughter wear what she considers warm enough clothing.

FIL is somewhat beyond being a rabid Republican, which wouldn't be a problem if he would quit going on rants about Democrats in front of my kids. My side goes about 50/50 Repub vs. Dem, and his comments are mighty insulting. Not to mention I don't need my kids thinking namecalling is okay.

[motherofbun]

Ahhh. Mother-in-laws...

We took mine to a restaurant once. She bitched about how she couldn't eat anything on the menu because she was on a diet. She settled on a salad, DOUSED with bleu cheese dressing. Since my hubby had to leave for a biz trip, she volunteered to stay at our house while I took him... In that time, she ate THREE of my candybars... From my hidden chocolate stash.

She's also gone through our bills/paystubs then joked about it in front of us to her sisters...

Recently, she sat me down and had a conversation with me about my weight. I am of average weight. But I used to be very thin. She's overweight by at least 30 pounds. She's ALWAYS bitching about gaining weight or what she's doing to lose weight. And she was lecturing me...

[Debbie K.]

My motherinlaw has 15 grandchilden, 2 of which are children froma previous marriage. She is fond of saying that she has 13 "biological" grandchildren. Can I tell you that she LABORED over that one... how to tell people the number of her "real" grandchildren. Meantime, I am sure that the "fake" ones are just as much a part of their family as the "real" ones.

[Kimba]

UGH! How about the fact that apparently it is perfectly acceptable to interrupt or ignore or simply "forget" about DIL's 12 year old daughter because after all "she isn't really your grandchild"...all while bragging endlessly, in front of her, about your "real grandchild" that will be born in few months.

Or no matter what son and DIL want for their baby, clearly what you had for your children over 20 years ago was always better, correct, and the only items to own.

Oh there are so many more...good luck to you!

[MamaKaren]

-Babyproofing the house is not necessary, even though the children spend the night at your house on a regular basis.

-Even if the child's normal naptime is 1:30 or 2:00, it's OK to stay out at a late lunch at the mall and delay the nap until 4:30.

-You should complain loudly about what a travesty it is that your daughter-in-law cuts off your grandson's beautiful curls instead of letting his hair grow long enough to violate the elementary school's grooming policy.

-When you offer to babysit, it is perfectly acceptable to complain about how your son is shirking his parental duties and constantly taking you for granted.

-Your DIL is just being selfish when she says she will stay home from the family dinner at Red Lobster, since you've never actually seen her have an allergic reaction to anything other than shellfish, so there are plenty of things she could eat if she choses to.

-When you buy gift cards for your family, you should purchase ones from stores convenient to you, regardless of whether they are convenient for the recipient.

Wow, it felt good to get a few of those off my chest.

[InterstellarLass]

Oh my gosh. I do feel for you. My father-in-law is 86, completely deaf, and 700 miles away. He is a dear man though. My mother-in-law passed before my husband and I met. Thankfully. From the stories I hear, she was a bitch on wheels. Gave my husband home perms and one hell of a guilt complex.

[HarborLass/Melissa T]

Thank god for my in-laws. You all are even making my mother look sane.

I'll bet Little Rock is looking better and better.

[alleygator]

What about the MIL who gives your coffee addicted 2 year old milk with coffee flavored syrup because "she likes it and maybe she won't try to steal coffee now". Or who says "it's okay, I won't be there later. They'll be at home".

[Meg]

"9) Make sure to complain about ugly dark rimmed glasses right in front of people who actually wear dark rimmed glasses. And really like them."

haha I think your MIL and my boyfriend's mom must be friends. My about-to-be MIL likes to add all sorts of lovely comments about my clothes and hair, but compared to the rest of this crap? She's not that bad!

[Meena]

Oh, good tid bits! Laughing hard and empathizing!

Also, when child throws a tantrum or otherwise acts like a brat and mom and dad try to discipline, just say "oh, he/she is a good boy" in front of child who parents are trying to deal with.

And of course, dress child VERY warmly, no matter the weather. Those winds at the beach on a nice sunny day can be a killer!

[Mrs. Q.]

Don't shop for grandchildren's Christmas gifts, even though you see them weekly and know what they have/like/need. Instead, complain about how hard they are to shop for, ignore the provided Christmas list and gift registry and complain enough about how "hard" Christmas is that hopefully the preggo DIL will just buy, wrap and take care of everything.

[Melissa]

That last one killed me. My step-mom is just insane about the play-do colors. And the noisy toys and telling someone how horrible and fat they are and the diet thing....yeah, my step-mom and your in-laws might just be related.

[NG]

Whatever your child did, your brother-in-law's child did it better, faster, and earlier. Wonder if that'll still hold true when he's in jail?

[Angela, Mother Crone]

I've got one. How about a BIL who gives a life insurance policy for a baby gift, to which he named himself beneficiary. Of course, he informed us will have to make every payment each year after. Like I am going to let him babysit?

[girlnextdoor2345]

Gosh I guess miserery loves company. Here's a doozy. FIL and MIL are divorced, and luckily for me she HAD the MIL from hell, so MIL is an angel. Seriously she knows her place.

FIL however is not.

It is okay to come and move in at any time. No need to call. Just show up.

When they ask you to leave, ignore them and pretend your too stupid to understand.

It's okay to work on son's yard, stay with them for over a month and charge them the pre-arranged $1000. While staying there, it's okay to eat cheese and NOT put wrapper back on. Turn on the heat when it's not needed. Get changed in the living room. Leave crumbs in the margarine. (It bugs me okay.) Leave pubic hair all over the bathroom.(EWWW) Leave shit stains too.(EWWWWWWWWW) (Hubby got that job.) Be bossy and act like you live there. Contaminate everything with my filthy hands that I never wash. Never ever leave the house for more than an hour. Don't pay attention to grandchildren except to take pictures. Break the vacuum repeatedly until it doesn't work at all. It's okay to drink 8-10 beer everynight and leave cans everywhere. Take pictures anywhere at any time even though DIL thinks it's annoying. Before finally leaving after DIL forced me out the door, attempt to steal $5 tape measure and leave a broken one that they can fix instead. Tell them about it. ?Give guilt trip to nice hosts who made you dinner and allowed you into their home and around their precious children. Announce that you are going to Reno or something for Christmas.

When DIL calls to find out where her level is,(that I'm sure you took, since you were planning on taking other stuff too,) tell her she is a fucking little slut. Tell her she ruined the relationship between him and your son. Vent about it and say that some company owns our house. (Right.)When DIL chews your head off and informs you that your SON works for all that we have and we don't just sit there and complain that our lives suck,we actually work for things that we have, talk about things from 8 years back, then say as long as my son is with you I want nothing to do with both of you.

(That's great because we don't want our children around stupid crazy people who could ovbiously give a shit about them. And you take your son's money? Your grandkids could use that money too, but I know you need it more so you can buy more beer and smokes.) Thanks for the help BTW :)

Phew that feels better and now you all know what kind of shit I've had to put up with.

[rachel]

oh my gosh. I don't think I can compete. Your 2yo should come visit us. My 8, 6, and 3 yos dress themselves regularly, and I just DON"T CARE as long as it's seasonally appropriate. And I don't allow talking toys. eek.

When I told my MIL that we don't spank, she said "you can't leave them here with us for more than a couple hours because we always spank."

And apparently you should save the $5 to register a second person to drive the minivan you rent, because it is best to have the person with short term memory loss and hearing loss drive on unfamiliar roads.

[karyn]

This has been nettling me since I read it last night. I have also unrepressed a few memories to add to the list. O joy.

It is totally appropriate for people who do not acknowledge a child's special needs (which include OCD and anxiety) to take that child aside and give them a good talking-to about Death And Dying. And then get mad when they tweak at bedtime and flip the shit.

Cat poop can totally be cleaned up off the hardwood floors, kitchen tiles, train table, etc., with a paper towel. No further measures are necessary.

Anyone who routinely changed diapers as recently as thirty years ago does not need to feel compelled to change a child in a soggy / poopish diaper. Ever.

It is okay to scream and cuss at preschoolers with words like "Jesus Christ" and the F*bomb. Because they deserved it.

It is more than okay to impugn the integrity, intelligence and competence of either parent in front of their children. Because they deserve it too.

It is completely normal to expect two high-octane preschoolers to want to stay snuggle-bugs forever. And to expect that they will not, in fact, touch things you've TOLD them not to touch. Even if you DO leave your medications in shiny bright bottles / disinfectant spray / etc. /down on low shelves. Next to their vitamins and sippy cups.

[Occidental Girl]

Mention hatred of people, crowds, and all those damn people in crowds at least twice a day every time we visit. In case, you know, I had forgotten that you hate people and crowds and such.

Ask husband what daughter likes to play with. Not me, who spends all day with her. Ask husband, who works 65 hours a week. Cause he knows best.

Don't ask questions about me, because god knows I've got nothing interesting to talk about!

[Christina]

Oh, those are...well...special.

I can add:

Make sure a toddler's diaper isn't changed any more than once every 5-6 hours, even if it is so wet it's falling off her.

After promising to babysit, you are free to cancel at anytime, including right when the child is brought over.

Smoking pot upstairs while the toddler naps downstairs does not constitute "smoking around the toddler".

[Nichole]

Wow, you pretty much covered it all right there. Except this one:

You must urinate as soon as you wake up to eliminate your body of all the poison (pronounced "po-yee-zihn").

[Elena]

LORDISA I don't know how all you women who left comments are coping. And the one who said "at least you have inlaws"? HELLO--are you not reading the same comments I am?
Thank God I see my MIL once a year when we visit her gravesite. FIL is busy with his fifth wife and her home remodeling projects.
I'm counting my blessings...

[Ayana]

These are great, here are a couple from my MIL:

Insist repeatedly that the reason your 18 month old granddaughter isn't talking yet is that DIL doesn't let her watch TV.

Buy only blonde-haired, white-skinned dolls for your brown-skinned, half-black granddaughter.

[jodi]

I have to add one-the appropriate way to say goodbye to your only grandchild who is 20 months old is-
"you have your moments but in general you are a good kid". And then, complain that your grandchild does not like you.

[TB]

Oh good lord. How much longer?

Here are a few for you:

-It's okay to sit a three month old in front of cartoons in a bouncy seat for an hour if the mom really needs to have a shower. It's even charming and funny to note that the baby is "watching" cartoons.

-Putting cereal in a baby's bottle will help them sleep through the night at two months old

-Breastfeeding is not as good as bottle feeding because you don't know how much the baby is getting to eat

[TB]

Oh good lord. How much longer?

Here are a few for you:

-It's okay to sit a three month old in front of cartoons in a bouncy seat for an hour if the mom really needs to have a shower. It's even charming and funny to note that the baby is "watching" cartoons.

-Putting cereal in a baby's bottle will help them sleep through the night at two months old

-Breastfeeding is not as good as bottle feeding because you don't know how much the baby is getting to eat

[CharmingDriver]

Ooooh just off the top of my head:

*Pretend to like future DIL until you learn relationship is serious
*Tell potential DIL that, ''white girls are for tricking around with not marrying or having families''
*Never reconcile that your own two husbands and many of the spouses of your 12 other kids are other races - Doesn't matter. White ain't right, period.
*When son and DIL lose infant to illness, blame DIL as much as possible to as many people as possible. Refer to her as ''the baby killin wife'' at will
*When son and DIL choose cremation for their baby, then call DIL, ''that baby burning baby killin wife''
*During all of this, loudly proclaim your love of the Lord and all things Christianity because, sure, that math checks out.

We're all done with her, btw.

[scatteredmom]

1. If your daughter chooses a mate that you don't approve of, it is entirely acceptable to dub him the "Black Angel From Hell" before you've met him. Make sure to have the entire congregation of your church praying for her soul and to cast Satan (or the future son in law) out.

2. If that doesn't work, claim to have visions that he will die and leave her a young widow, or that they will get divorced. Disown the daughter should she not comply with your wishes.

3. When they have a child, take the baby out without telling where you're going and stay out for hours. When you come back, joke that you planned to kidnap the baby and leave the country, but changed your mind.

4. When child is older, be sure to feed child candy constantly until he throws up despite orders from the parents not to.

5. Discipline of grandchildren in their parents home is not acceptable under any circumstances. Tell the grandkids "You don't have to listen, I'm the boss."

6. Suggest that your daughter's husband, who is of a different faith, waits in the car like a dog so you can attend church on Easter Sunday.

7. Deoderant and items from garage sales make wonderful Christmas gifts.

8. Nothing is ever your fault. Ever.

9. Tell the grandchildren they will burn in Hell if they don't follow your religion.

10. Invite your sister and her family to your house for Christmas, but 5 days before make sure you let them know that Santa can't come for their 5 year old at your home. Instead they must leave immediately Christmas morning.

Oh, I could go on FOREVER.

[Kristen]

Oh man I wish I could scoop you up and save you from that hell!!!

Some of my future in laws tidbits-

Anything in the medicine cabinet is up for grabs and therefore, not considered stealing. (so you better hide the painkillers)

Running a dish under cold water sufficiently cleans it. Glasses too. And silverware.

A clean house is totally overrated. Spills on the floor and crumbs rule. Helps you fight off disease better.

Steak should only be seared on both sides for a minute. anything longer constitutes well done.

I could go on...but I won't. I might get caught and exposed!!

[karyn]

My In-Laws are dead.
However.
My actual mother? Believes:
Yelling will increase good behavior

Beating A Kid Who 'Needs It' Is The Answer (even if that kid is her first grandchild who is on the Autism spectrum

Two year olds are capable of picking up their rooms on their own

Celery has no place in any dish except stuffing or celery & cream cheese.

Dinner is at six. And it's called supper.

Children have no business getting so excited that they misbehave during the annual unveiling of Christmas decorations.

It just goes on and on.

Are your ILs related to my mother?

[Awesome Mom]

Everything belongs in the fridge. That means real butter, syrup and anything else you can cram in there.

[Joanne/PunditMom]

GREAT tidbits!

Of course EVERYONE knows that there's no need to feeda child so early in the a.m.!

[Amanda]

You are so making me not wanna get married.

Especially since the "negroes" followed my possibly future MIL around Panama...

...and she still calls my boyfriend "Larry" even though he started going by his middle name years ago and has actually legally changed his first name to something else entirely. Because he hates the name "Larry"... it's not even short for "Lawrence".

They're not so bad... it's my mother I'm worried about. She smokes like a chimney and drinks and sleeps all the time - she subsists on diet coke and unheated corned-beef hash (and sometimes frozen hotdogs or brussels sprouts - while they're still frozen.)

I shudder to think of her babysitting any future children I might have.

[tori]

Show up at your DIL' house the day she gets home from the hospital after your DIL has a c-section with twins and also has a two year old at home. Plop your butt on the couch and ask what she'll be making for lunch because you are totally starving.

Feed kids bunches of crap while they stay at your house and then call in a panic in the middle of the night because "something terrible is going on. They are all throwing up".

When your DIL gets diagnosed with cancer, tell her kids that she is GOING TO DIE! and then wonder why they are all crying. Must be because their mom didn't take proper care of them.

I feel your pain! Good luck!

[Kristina (formerly of kristinabrooke.org)]

OMG, can I please join in!

- While you may weigh 350 pounds, it is OK to call your son and his wife fat every chance that you get.

- Becasue not eating potato chips to too difficult despite the various health problems that you have, your adult son nd his wife are nto allowed to eat potato chips in the house at all.

-It's OK to call everythign that you son and his wife buy "crap" and then proceed to eat it all in one sitting.

- Chewing with your mouth wide open and smacking as loudly as possible is the only way to eat and if someone complains, remind them that "it's my house and I can eat any way that I choose."

- When babysitting it is OK to place a baby in a crib that is 40 years old with loose/weak bars despite being told not to.

-When you through out your daughter-in-laws breastmilk pumping supplies don't apologize. Say "oh well" and tell her to take it out of the can- the compressed can.

-When son and his wife sneak off for som alone time, call down on the intercom to tell us that it is OK to turn the light on in the kitchen if we come up later on.

- Always assume and expect daughter-in-law to got to work, go to school, grade papers, and write papers, to come home and stack/unstack the dishwasher, or cook, or clean the bathroom. After all, being retired and NEVER leaving the house is hard work.

- Always blame your daughter-in-law everytime your son says something that goes against your beliefs. Everyone knows that sons cannot think for themselves.

-Upon finding out that your son and daughter in law are pregnant it is OK to tell your daughet-in-law that she "swallowed rather than spit."

OK, gonna stop. Could go on forever. LOL.

[Vrock]

My inlaws are ok... it's my mother that's KooKoo for cocoa puffs.

Complain loudly, and to anyone who will listen, that your daughter is selfish and keeping your grandson from you when...

1 Your income is 4x what hers is.
2 We live on opposite ends of the country.
3 She and her husband both have fulltime jobs and you are a SAHM to a german shepherd.
4 You constantly complain about how worthless your daughter is, and vocally announce everything she does wrong. YUP so motivated to make that trip!

You send religious pamphlets as gifts to your 3 year old grandson and expect real gifts in return.

It's totally cool to NEVER call or E-mail or write or telegram or make any effort whatsoever to have contact with your daughter and grandson and then bitch when they don't feel the need to call you.

It's awesome to tell your daughter, to her face, that you never liked her husband and he's a horrible man for ruining your life. Especially when he hasn't.

You should always ALWAYS tell your daughter that tattoos are distusting and people that get them are freaks. Especially when her husband has MANY of them.

OH and don't forget to let your daughter know that her brother did EVERYTHING as a baby before she or your grandson did. Playing family favorites is awesome.

Last but not least...
Tell your daughter that she is lazy and just wants to abandon her son when she is forced to go back to work to pay the bills. That'll work wonders for her!

[S.]

Remember that everything is dangerous. Something terrible could always happen. Better be prepared. Or overprepared.

People of color are especially dangerous. Do not go where people of color are or something bad will happen to you.

Everyone likes a nice racist joke!

Adults play card or board games at all times they are together. Adults who do not want to play card games for up to 6 hours at a time are just no fun.

It is perfectly acceptable to talk about people's weight and to give diet advice without being asked.

Food is better from a bag. Buy everything presliced at Costco.

Pets are evil and must be kept outside, even at your own home.

Thanks - that felt great.

[Mom101]

Fortunatley my inlaws are too distracted sitting around wondering why the apocalypse didn't happen in 2000 to give us too many helpful "tips."

Bless you, Kristen. You should be given sainthood for putting up with this. Or at least a six-figure book deal.

[Nona]

Spend every visit with your granddaughter saying "No, honey, don't do this, No, honey, don't do that" literally EVERY TIME she does anything and then complain that she does not feel close to you.

When your DIL tells you "it's OK if she does that here" imply that she is an idiot with no say in her child's upbringing by ignoring said DIL and saying loud enough for everyone to hear "No, no, honey, I'm SURE your DADDY would NOT want you to do that."

Invite yourself for a visit, complain about how you cannot get there on your own. Make DIL drive 1 hour there and 1 hour back to with 2 kids in the car. Complain about every meal you are served saying this is not really what you like or how you like to eat it. Point out several times what you DO like to eat and how you prefer to have it fixed. Do this at every meal. Overstay your welcome and then have no way to get home so DIL has to drive you back. Complain that she wants to do this on her schedule, not yours.

Complain that your DILs parents are always the ones asked to babysit or help out. Ask why you are never included. When you are asked to babysit complain that your son and DIL are going out without you and no one ever takes you out. Say over and over that once in a while you would like to be invited to go do something social and "not just to babysit."

Complain loudly that every time you are with your grandchildren you end up getting sick. Ask frequently why they are sick so often and imply that it has to do with your DILs housekeeping.

Talk often about how you only served your kids nutritious food and you can't understand why there are always chips in DIL's house. Ignore the fact that your son is the one who buys and the only one who eats the chips. Join him in eating them while saying over and over "I just never have these so it's such a treat. I never buy chips." Talk about how healthy you are, ignoring the fact that you are 30 lbs overweight while your DIL is not overweight. Make comments about how your DIL is just lucky because she has enough money to belong to a gym, while you do not and therefore cannot exercise.

When your DIL looses the last 5 lbs of baby weight instead of complimenting her or keeping your mouth shut, loudly say in front of the whole family that your are so dissapointed that she is getting skinnier and "making you look bad." Complain that your other DILs are anorexic and soon you will not have anyone who is "larger" like you in the family. Again, ignore the fact that you are still 30 lbs overweight while said DIL is now a normal weight.

[Lawyer Mama]

Egads! I feel so lucky for the in-laws I have now! It's my parents that are the problem:

Your daughter is totally selfish because she won't let you smoke in *her* house with 2 small children.

Daughter is being unreasonable if she asks you to refrain from blowing smoke in her kids faces in your home.

Small yappy dog is far more important than grandchildren and must be coddled to keep dog from getting "jealous."

It's perfectly OK for 6 year old small yippy dog to pee on the carpet, but 24 month old boy must have problems if he's not yet potty trained.

[Lena]

Ummmm. Kristen? Is that you at my in laws' house?

I wish I could talk about my inlaws! WAH!

[Valeta]

Atleast you have in-laws. Technically I have a father-in-law but he lives in Ohio and I live in CA. My mother-in-law died when my husband was 4. :/

[M]

Oh my. Let's see...

When FIL gets drunk and beats the dog, it's my fault that I get upset and run out of there. I must've drunk too much because nobody else saw anything.

When son requests that he be called by his given name and not the little boy nickname you gave him, refuse because you don't want to be reminded of his father, who you named him after.

Give my BIL, who makes $10k more a year than we do, $100 a month because you feel sorry for him for spending his family into bankruptcy, belittling his wife for years, and "ending up" divorced.

Tell son that he is a cheapskate the year we decide not to buy gifts for the entire family so that we don't go into any more debt than we're already in.

Get pissed because we don't have time to stop to visit in the middle of a 10 hour move to another state with a giant truck, two drugged cats and one astoundingly colicky baby.

Tell us that the family has "fallen apart" and how you cry every day, in part because we moved to another state.

Pay us back for not getting you crappy Christmas gifts we can't afford by getting your granddaughter cheap ass Christmas/birthday gifts.

Tell everyone else in the family how much you hate the name we picked for our daughter.

Tell everyone else in the family that you don't feel it's worthwhile to get to know your granddaughter because she lives four hours away.

Come to visit in your $165k RV and tell us about the $700 (each) scooters you bought on your way up so that you don't have to walk to get ice. Don't bring anything for your granddaughter.

Last year, when we lived 8 hours away, go visit your brother, who lived two hours away from us, and don't come see us. Ask us to come see you. When we tell you that we can't afford a hotel, tell us we can stay with you in your RV. Because the first thing I thought I'd want to do for my wedding anniversary last year was drive my six month's pregnant ass to you and stay in your RV on the fold out with you, drunk FIL and four yappy dogs.

Call your son's desire to own a home someday a "little dream."

Tell us you love us when we see you, then talk about us behind our backs like we're giant, worthless pieces of shit to anyone who will listen. Yeah, we love that.

[Mrs. Chicky]

After reading your list and the lists of your commenters so far I am now going to thank my in laws for being so wonderful and forgive them for any snafus they may have commited, even if they are incredibly annoying. 'Cause I'm telling you, their faults are nothing compared to some of these doozies.

You are far more patient and saintly than I ever could be, Kristen.

[Lora]

I have to laugh at some (OK, most) of these. I feel so blessed now! I do have a few of my own to add...and sadly, some of them are from my own mother.

When the 6-week old baby is brought 1000 miles to see his nana, be sure to wake him up at every opportunity. We all know that babies don't really need much sleep and his parents will be eternally greatful to you when said tiny baby stays awake for 20 hours straight due to overstimulation. And then said baby must get on a plane for a 3 hour trip home. Good times!

Be sure to use every inappropriate word possible when describing different ethnic groups. Be sure to use them all in front of the now parroting 3-year old boy. It's never too soon to instill bigotry!

When you have 6 grandchildren, make sure that 5 of the 6 are fully aware that they are not your favorite. Talk badly about them, yell at them when they come to visit, refuse to let them join in on a game of Candyland because you are playing it with the favorite. Then wonder why these 5 grandchildren don't really want to visit you.

[Robina]

Fortunately, I don't have to worry about this cause I have no close family, or in-laws, for at 10 hours. Yea, be jealous, turn green, I'm SO lucy!

[joy]

sweet lord. when is your sentence over??? gaaaaahhhh! hang in there, lady.

[katie]

When it comes to the baby - constantly ask "Isn't she cold? She looks cold. Shouldn't she be wearing a hat?" or "Why is she crying? Is something wrong with her? Is she sick?". But one of my favourites was - organise a collection of old clothes for a poor (related) family, then turn up some time later wearing items of clothing your DIL had put forward towards that collection. Ha! Still can't get over it!

[callie]

1. Don't come to see new grandchild for months because DIL asks you to stay at a hotel when she comes home with first baby and is trying to nurse and bleeding like stuck pig. Even if she pays for hotel three minutes from house. And you never sleep, so you cook at all hours of the night, and vacuum (thank you, though) at five a.m. when everyone is sleeping.
2. When you do visit, fil must sit on couch for five days straight and watch marathon golf tournaments. Mil must sit in the basement gambling on computer.
3. Take baby from dil's arms and if said baby cries, run from room with him and say he needs to get used to it.
4. Tell dil who is on long term maternity leave taking care of grandchildren that it's too bad her master's degree was a waste of time and money.
5. FIL must claim to be an expert at infant massage. ick.
6. Kiss new baby with a cold sore until the baby gets herpes finally at 8 months old.
7. Let toddler drink out of fountain of bird shit at the zoo until toddler gets runs and pukes for two days afterwards.
8. Disappear with grandchildren from store and family events unitl dil is panicked and ready to call police.
9. Drive with the grandchildren even though you have been specifically asked not to because you are legally blind and cannot feel your feet. Then hide it until the kids spill the beans about where they went.
10. Give toddler anything innapropriate you can think of to eat or drink, such as horseradish to an infant, or coffee to a two year old. And then talk about how much they loved it.

oh yes, much more, but these are the top ten off the top of my head. lol.

[Damselfly]

Sheesh.

When you go over your son's house to babysit, spontaneously fold clean laundry left in the dryer, even when it contains your daughter-in-law's unmentionables, and leave them out for your father-in-law to see.

Surreptitiously bring your grandchild a toy every time you come over. Even when the grandchild is three months old.

Pulling on your grandchild is OK, even when he's in your daughter-in-law's arms and you haven't said a word to her.

[jen]

Holy hell, please tell me you're out of there soon before you're all basket cases! You're stronger than I am, I probably would have gone postal on them by this point. Gah.

[DDM]

MIL: If the doctors at a premiere children's hospital can't figure out the child's delays, it MUST be the mother's fault. She should be treated as the piece of shit she is at any and all family functions.
A "little" second hand smoke is FINE to expose babies and children to, because it's more important to you than spending time with said babies and children.
Siding with the woman who cheated on and left your oldest son, against the other DIL (me) on any topic just to start a fight is not only appropriate, but highly encouraged.
Make your youngest son re-tell you why/when he and his family are leaving for the holidays eleventy-billion times so you can lay on the guilt so often that he no longer feels bad about going to escape you.
FIL: Never say anything. Ever. Even if you think your wife is being absolutely horrible, never, ever defend those she's shredding. You might find yourself next in line.
(And because I feel bad for still harboring so much anger over these events of the past.....she's gotten much better over the last year. MUCH better.)

[L]

Do not, under any circumstances, put any kind of seasoning in any kind of food ever. Do not keep any kind of seasoning in the house because things like salt and pepper are evil and contain MSG. In fact, everything contains MSG and allergins.

Make sure you buy infant boy lots of secondhand Target and Gap clothes that he will wear when he is 6 and 7. Be doubly sure to ply dil with these clothes since she lives in a small apartment and has scads of room to store these items.

Allergies can attack at any moment. BF your child until he is 5 and only give mashed potatoes, turkey, and rice dream to him because allergies are everywhere. Is he wheezing? He has asthma. Can't crawl yet? Surely it's autism. He was happy a minute ago, why is he crying now? Oh, bipolar disorder. Or maybe schizophrenia.

When dil mentions any accomplishments, however tiny (like writing a novel), make sure you go on and on and on about how fabulous son and then son's sister and son's brother are because who wants to hear about dil? The non-degreed having, still living at home (MSG loving, heh) offspring are much more interesting, what with their artistic drawings and homemade necklaces. Who wants to hear about a multi-degree having professional? Pfft.

[BFF]

My in-laws are a piece of cake next to yours...there's a lot of room there, though, I know. Basically being a mammal is a step up.

The tips from my MIL are all about temperature...lol. You (as a pregnant woman) and your children may NEVER BE COLD. EVER. The minute she found out I was pregnant, she said 'you can't go outside without a coat on anymore.' lmao.

She didn't bathe her children all the way naked, if you can imagine, for fear that they would get too cold. Now my husband lives for the 150 degree heat. Go figure.

[crunchy carpets]

Oh and apparently my recycling bins are a fire hazard.

[crunchy carpets]

Oh man....
yep-An entire can of coke AND about four chocolate pudding cups is an acceptable meal for a four year old.

(Gee I don't know why he throws up everytime he comes here!)

-That the cheaper and crappier the toy the better it is to buy for the kids.

-That the cheaper and crappier the chocolate is better to buy for the kids

(so I can throw them all out)

-that keeping things for the kids (clothing) on the closed in porch is ok and won't be smokey even though i smoke there all the time

-And yeah..it isn't a toy unless it 'does' something.

[Melissa]

FIL: Follow your daughter-in-law creepily around the kitchen while she's making homemade cookies for your daughter for Xmas because your lazy/overweight wife can only make something that comes out of a mix box, and can't "be on her feet" for that long, and so your daughter has never made homemade cookies in her life. THEN, when said daughter-in-law takes the sheet of cookies out of the oven and leaves the oven mit on the top top of the electric stove's cooktop (which is off and has been OFF all day...) immediately throw a fit about how said oven mit COULD catch on fire from the electric burners which are OFF... and have been off all day. Like I would have left it there for more than the minute it took for me to wash my hands at the adjacent sink... but whatever.

[Heather]

Oh I have a couple of entries on my blog about mine. My favorite is my FIL's toilet tank sign:
http://coolzebras.blogspot.com/2006/07/another-bathroom-sign.html

But this entry also sheds some light on how I totally feel your pain:
http://coolzebras.blogspot.com/2006/07/our-weekend-bwahhhaahhaaaa.html

[christina]

It's rude for children to interrupt adults when they are speking BUT interrupting a four year old who is excitedly telling you a story of GREAT JOY can be interrupted anytime to ask 'what are you doing today?" ... like they don't matter... like that's okay.. Apparently mutual respect doesn't apply to four year olds. Apparently the whole "kids are people too" doesn't apply..

Great Blog!

[Bri]

Where to begin the MIL tidbits:

1- Shorts/Sweatpants that have the word "Juicy" on the butt are appropriate and just down right cute on a one year old
2- Constantly tell your daughter-in-law she must not be feeding her son enough - he's so thin (or he just happens to be fit)
3- Sneak your 1 year old granddaughter soda - because kids really like soda
4- Let your insane small yapping little shit of dogs near your grandchild because they're your "kids" even though they have a history of biting kids
5- Be offended when said little shit dogs are not allowed to visit our house
6- Bring your own COOLER of beer because we only provide 2-3 per meal since you have to drive home afterwards
7- Give your grandchild all sorts of branded toys even though we've already told you that we don't like branded toys - our child is not an advertisement
8- Say Thank God she looks like your son - as if looking like me would be offensive!

The list goes on, and on, and on...

[Jess R]

Kristen, I don't know how you're doing it...*hugs*

My in-laws are generally pretty cool, except when my FIL uses the term "wetbacks." Also, this summer the "hints" about having children in the near future got to be a bit much; thankfully that seems to have subsided a bit.

[Kate]

I actually have really nice in-laws -- it's my own mother that matches some of those tidbits. I have to thank her for making me the extreme perfectionist that I am for always telling me when I am doing something incorrectly. Is it their generation or what?? We had to live with her in NJ for 9 months after the birth of my 1st son due to lack of employment in L.A. where we were living when I gave birth and it was the worst 9 months of my entire life. I knew then why I never moved home after college, and wondered why I thought moving in with her was a great solution to our financial woes. It almost caused a divorce! Hang in there with the in-laws - are you getting out anytime soon??

[Anna]

If one lone leaf blows onto my deck (in my home in the WOODS) I must rush outside and sweep it up immediately. If I let it sit for more than a few minutes some unfortunate soul will walk out onto said deck, slip on the leaf, and plummet to their death two feet below.

I love your blog!

[Matt]

It's very important to have cocktail napkins available 1 week after having an emergency c-section. Also it's most important to have a properly decorated nursery no later then 3 weeks after said c-section.

[wookie]

When your daughter-in-law has brought your grandchildren up for Christmas, driving 3 hours in a snowstorm, and has 1 hour to spend with you before getting back in the car for 3 hours to get home...

It's perfectly reasonable to give children under the age of 4 a bag of gummi-worms the size of their HEADS. Especially when their mother has already said NO and you sneak it to them behind her back. That wont cause behavior issues or rainbow-coloured sticky vomit issues in the car, will it?

[gunfighter]

We are lucky.

My mother lives two hundred miles away, and doesn't like to travel... we see her rarely.

My wife's parents live in Wisconsin (we live in Virginia), and only visit for three or four days per year.

[JChase]

You poor dear! Can't wait until you're out of there!

[Susan D.]

From my MIL:

It's OK to guilt your daughter-in-law into loaning you $3,000 because nobody else in your family has ever been able to save a dime - and then never to mention it again so long as you live, much less pay any of it back.

From my FIL:

It's OK to mail rabid anti-Semitic literature to your son's house, notwithstanding the fact that your daughter-in-law and also your GRANDDAUGHTER are Jewish, and then still expect to make pleasant small talk at the family holiday party.

Sigh... how in G-d's name do you LIVE with yours?! Seriously, my condolences...

[Just an Average Girl]

My father in law owns the duplex we live in. We have an arrangement, He pays for materials and I do the work. I have a hole in my flat roof that he doesn't want to fix because it will cost him. The way he put it to us is "Well, it only leaks when it rains"......