I'm Tired and I Want to Go Home

There's something to be said about feeling like the odd woman out. I'm sure you've all had those times when you just didn't fit in -- where you felt like a fish out of water, or in my case, a fish stuck in a bowl of weirdly green smelly water with a bunch of crazy people screaming at you and all you have to hide in is some crappy little cement house that has no doors.

READ: My patience is wearing thin.

My husband informed me that we might have to be here until April or *gulp* May before we are able to go to training (so he can fly and go away on long 2-3 week trips).

Training in Atlanta or Little Rock for 5 months.

And you thought I was done with the South.

Quite honestly, I can deal with the bras, the snide remarks, and even the damn racist comments. But I can't deal with the negativity, crass talk, and total disregard for the fact that there is a young toddler in the house who doesn't need to hear or deal with their stupid shit.

They make comments about my daughter, like "Oh, her head is really big" right in front of her. Or "you are really getting heavy, Q" (which, is a good thing since she's fairly skinny, but not anything that needs to be said out loud to a child).

And in my defense of her (read: telling them to shut up), my mother-in-law says to my husband "oh you can never say anything about Quinlan."

To which my husband agreed.

AGREED!

Because it's so great to make critical comments about your child right in front of them. No wonder my husband and his sister are so fucked up.

So I have decided to turn off my "nice daughter-in-law" filter. I made dinner and they commented how I could do it again any time I wanted, particularly making a breaded eggplant lasagna, to which I replied, "Sure, let me just pop that baby out and I'd be happy to make you all dinner."

And to their comments during our names discussion about how Sam is "such a Jewish name" *grumble grumble eye roll* "Yeah, I wouldn't use that name either because I hate the Jews."

Heh. (And totally joking of course for those of you who googled Jew Haters and ended up here. I suggest trying Mel Gibson).

I'm sick and tired and I'm sick of myself and I'm sick of being sick of myself. And all I want to do is go home.

Except, I don't really have one.

Comments

[Anne F.]

I am doing the same thing right now! I am living with in laws for 2 months before husband leaves overseas for a year. Thankfully it is just me they talk about. We don't have kids yet. IT is awesome to hear someone else. I am NOT alone!!! or crazy, its them

[joy]

Came to this a little late, but this sounds just fucking awful. Oh, and as someone who just named their boy Sam, I say Oy Vey assholes (and this from a decidedly WASPY english girl)

[sandy]

I've been reading your blog since just before you revealed your current pregnancy. I'm not sure how much of your content is commercial-shock-value-ratings-grabbing stuff or how much is sincerely heart-felt crying for help.

I am sympathetic to your situation but wonder why you feel/are so powerless in your relationship(s) and living situation. Can't you rent an apartment? Engage in counselling/couple's counselling?

I know it's your blog and you can write whatever you want and it's my choice to read/not read.

I just wish you more strength and agency in your life. If you're so totally and thoroughly unsatisfied, it's incumbent upon YOU to make changes. No one else will - obviously - as these many months of constant complaining bear out.

It would make more interesting reading too!

[MetroDad]

So sorry you have to deal with all this, K. I don't know how you do it. How about stealing their credit cards and engaging in some retail therapy? Insensitive racist fuckers deserve it.

[katie]

Hey, that's an excellent idea! Post baby blogging tour! Or better yet get a good friend (or your mom) to move in with you (tell 'em you need the extra pair of hands and support) and let the friend/mom be the one who puts your IL's straight while she's there. They'll be glad she's gone after and will appreciate you more ('cos you are just too nice) and you'll have someone to lean on when the going gets tough, babywise 'n' all! Please let us know what you decide or how you want to resolve your worries. But please don't just let it be.

[crazymumma]

Sam is a wonderful name. No one has a right to judge your choices. And you can come on up here to TO and live in our big old dusty kid friendly house if you need to. Hope it gets a little easier for you.....

[Naomi]

Hmm. I turned off my mother in law filter too. I don't live with her (thankfully - her house is a frickin pigsty, and stinks!), but I actually spent the last 10 months or so making dinner for her (almost) every Friday night. She made some snide comments, and I gave up. No more.

ANyway, sorry it's so crabby in your "home". Or, really, all I can say is "that sucks!!"

[cat]

Sam is the most wonderful name in the world.
Ok, I'm biased because it belongs to my best friend.
Oh, just wait until your MIL whips out "Imagine having X to deal with. I guess God only gives you what you can handle". Mine's found of doing that when I'm about ready to kill her son.

[Kyla]

You don't know me, but I offer you my home as well. It's small, but we've got some kick ass toys and not a relative for miles. I don't know what I would do if I had to live with my MIL. Perhapse you should go on a blog tour post baby and come visit us all.

[Mom101]

I think you should name him Jesus, personally.

Although shit...that's a Jewish name too.

Oh well.

[An Old Friend]

I've been your friend for a very long time, and I'm saying this out of love: take your kids and LEAVE.

[Susan]

Ick. Ick, ick, ick, fucking ick. I'm so sorry that you and your babies have to deal with that environment. How depressing to live with such hateful people! Give 'em hell and if / when it gets to be too much, head this direction. If I'm not around, we'll figure out how to get you a key and you can have run of our place!!! Q can leave the toys out (chances are they'll already be that way), you can leave your dishes on the counter, and I swear there'll never be underwear hanging from the ceiling fan. You might have to dig past the pastrami in the fridge to get to the milk, though... ahem, we think Sam is an AWESOME name!!! :)

[roaringmommy]

How do you not stab them in their sleep?

[LannaGirl]

Don't knock Atlanta too hard. We're pretty cool down here...at least I think so. If you end up here, I'll give you the hook up to all cool mom/kid stuff to do.

You are a strong, strong woman to put up with your in-laws this long. I was all excited about the prospect of adding onto our house until I found out that we'd have to move in with my in-laws. Guess who's not so excited about adding on to the house anymore. Who needs two bathrooms, anyway? Not me. Not THAT badly.

[FishyGirl]

Sam was on our short list for our baby before we decided on Edward. I am already known as being "intense" so they know when they say stupid shit I will call em on it every time. It actually might work for you - mine were horrible when I was living with them and I didn't even have kids then, but once my MIL pushed me too far and I lit into her - a good ten minute tirade on all of her stupid shit. She got pissed and left the house. I apologized to my FIL and SIL while she was gone, and they said "She left because you're right and she knows it - no worries." Now, she knows where my line is and if anything it has moved more in my favor because of the kids -- she still says stupid shit from time to time, but all I have to do now most of the time is give her The Look. Total assvice, but might be worth a try - at this point, I would move my family into a cardboard box under a bridge in SE DC before I'd live with them again - and they aren't as bad as yours. I wish you peace whatever you decide to do, K, you're a better woman than me.

[Lisse]

I don't understand why you wouldn't be eligible for base housing wherever the huz is stationed. Is there not a housing allowance for an apartment?

Little Rock is OK, but Atlanta is obviously better.

Sam is a fine name. I have a nephew Sam. And he's Catholic.

[PunditMom]

R. wants to know why she only has older sibs (my stepdaughters) and not younger, so I'm sure she'd love a little sister and new baby brother in the house. Let me just clean up the guest room before you get here! ;) Hang in there.

[Jennifer]

I'd invite you to live with me, but I live in Alabama. South Alabama. Yikes! You'd really like Atlanta, I bet, very cool city.

Your in-laws leave me speechless.

[gigi]

Are there seriously no other options in terms of residence? Other family members? Friends? The hardest times in my own life have been when I feel like I didn't have a choice and it sounds like this is like that - and so I'm trying to do some thinking I'm sure you've already done, and also you didn't ask me to do! The situations you describe really sound miserable and, even though I don't know you, I like you and want you to be surrounded by people who nurture and support you and Q and (soon) Chalk! :)

[TB]

Trust me, you want Atlanta over Little Rock. The ATL is a great city.

Whatever happens, in the meantime, for your own sanity, can you take the gloves off and tell them if they are out of line? It just seems like these are the kind of people who are assholes without knowing they're assholes - the worst kind in my opinion.

[karyn]

Kristen, I am in the same crap ass living situation and I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Seriously. See if your doctor will allow you to stay in the hospital an extra day... high blood pressure? Mysterious Headaches? Anything at all? Because living like this, an extra twenty four hour reprieve can feel like a week in St. Thomas.

Hugs to you ... it truly sucketh.

[Shannon - PHAT Mommy]

Hugs Kristen. You'll get through it and be stronger. Everyone's already said what I would say, but hey, the hospital stay will be a nice little break, no?

[katie]

If you can't get out (for whatever reason) do what I did at the end of my pregnancy. Lay down some tough rules. Butter them up with some crap about how you are sure they will understand and respect your wishes (use the line "You both had children, Mom, you know how tough it is bla bla crap crap) and then get tough with them. Say you are moving out so it won't be forever but if you all stick to these rules then living together will be that little bit easier. And then tell them what you want/don't want them to do. PLEASE! Because afterwards, with the possible hormonal rollercoaster that may come, they'll just think you've lost your marbles and won't treat you seriously. Now's the time to act, put your foot down, woman! Do it for yourself, for your daughter and your son. You need to keep your sanity in that looney bin.

[Jenn]

uuuugh. This situation so totally sucks.

Fingers crossed for April (or sooner!) and keep setting them straight - they may not change their views, but the may not air them quite so often...maybe?

{hugs}

[motherofbun]

I'm convinced that if Mother Theresa lived with your in-laws, she would have flown into a murderous rage at least twice by now...

You always have a place here in Mo. Really! I have a nice big, guest bedroom! (I don't mind sharing the office...)

[JChase]

No human should have to deal with these people, let alone someone as nice and caring as you. Do they ever even hear the things that come out of their mouths? I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! What a crappy situation. I'm sending happy vibes your way, and hope things look up soon. Here's hoping they get a glimpse of themselves and are disgusted with the way they've been acting, and finally change their ways. What, I can dream, can't I?

Lots of HUGS to get you through it all!

[Awesome Mom]

I would murder someone if I was in your situation. Why can't you move out? I would take a tiny one room apartment over living with nut jobs like that.

[Nancy]

God, I am so sorry, Kristen. If you're willing to come a couple of hours south you can camp with us. Mimi would shower Quinlan with love and kisses.

Ugh. Hang in there. You're an incredible and stromg woman.

[Karen Rani]

Call them on everything as it happens. "Wow, that was rude" or "Wow, that was racist" or "Shut the fuck up" might work.

Is there no possible way you can get out of this situation? God.

[jodi]

My inlaws suck to, but living with them, oh my g-d! I just hate the once a month I see them.

I guess I missed something, I haven't read the archives, but why can't you move?

[kara]

You are a strong woman. I don't know how you continue to live in that situation. Just look to your beautiful daughter and your soon to be born son to continue to give you the strength and patience. And don't back down.

[Plain Jane Mom]

Ugh. That's all I got. I know if there were any way for you to be elsewhere you'd do that. So ugh. That really sucks.

[Amy Jo Momma]

Once we move back to Philly, you can stay with us, ok?

[Dee Dee]

Can you use your BAH to rent a furnished apartment and still save a little money? I think you need to get out ASAP.

[krista]

My hope for you is that SOON enough you'll have a sweet newborn in your arms, and for at least a few moments everyday, you will be looking at utter magic and perfection, and you can drown in the joy of that.

Take care Kristen. Keep strong.

[mamatulip]

I don't know how you do it. I really don't. I think I would have lost my shit a long time ago.

Speak your mind. You have every right.

[Mrs. Chicken]

I'm so sorry that you are stuck in this situation! I wish I could help. But now is the time for you to speak up. Your daughter needs you to stick up for her.

You speak your mind.

[crunchy carpets]

Good grief...I mean do you REALLY have to be there??

I mean...that is a hell of an atmosphere for you or your daughter..and I could not imagine being that beholden to my inlaws...

Holy shit I would lose my mind.
Yesterday they were 'helping' watch the kids till we returned from ER.....they were supposed to stay to help so dh and could get some sleep..we had been awake for over 30 hours by that time.

But they had trashed my house and the kids were totally wound up and they thought it a great idea to invite my bil over too so he could get the kids even MORE ramped up.

So instead of sleep I sent them home and looked after my own kids.

Oh and they were going to get more fish for my son after the first one died...without talking to us.

Seriously..get out get out...go live in a trailer..anything.....

Blog fodder or not.....

[Le Anne]

Oh My Gosh, I am about to cry for you. What an awful situation to be in when you are pregnant...or just a human being!

[Damselfly]

We're sick and tired right along with you. Maybe the Mother-Baby Unit in the hospital has a weekly plan?