Take Me Out to the Balls Game

I have nothing against balls, really. Snow. Soccer. Bouncy. Goof.

Go Eagles! Oh wait. They lost weeks ago.

But those balls? Oy.

I know that dealing with a vah-jay-jay, or as a good blogpal of mine put it "the meat flaps" isn't a walk in the park. Okay. Maybe it's because I have one. You know, a gorgeous lotus flower (sorry, no meat flaps here). Hell. You wipe front to back, avoid heavy soaps, and all is clear.

But the balls? Gonads? Bojangles? I feel helpless, almost lightheaded when having to deal with them. I've already left a fair amount of crap build up due to my failure to lift and wipe in a timely and efficient manner. And I still feel sort of awkward giving them the good "rubola" during bath time.

Gently. Softly. Oh.so.carefully. (Or at least, that's what I'm told).

I've lived my near ball-less life quite contently. I don't mess with the balls and they don't mess with me. We're on a need to know basis -- I know they are there and that's all that matters.

But now. Little balls little balls. I see them almost hourly. And I'm still confused. Does it matter how I wipe them? Do I scrub them? Lift them? Flip them upside down?

One ball two ball. Red ball. Blue...

Okay. I really need to get out of this house.

Comments

[Mitch McDad]

Wow, talk about "ball envy!" Well, why not, balls are fun. It;s about time balls are getting the recognition that's been long overdue.

I actually have a "balls" catagory now, with 5 posts. Looks like Balls are in this year.

[Gina]

I have three boys and my youngest (right now) is 5 years old. I feel a bit odd reaching in there now at his age when he needs help in the shower (who wouldn't with todays world?), but I just babysat my 5-month-old nephew and there was no problem manipulating the sacks. Like riding a bicycle... except not really like a bicycle at all. Anywhoo...

So I guess it gets easier with time - I don't ever remember wondering what to do after my first was a few months old. You'll get the HANG of it. hehe

[Dana]

When my son was born (two years ago) I had the same trouble. I didn't want to injure the nuts (as my husband put it). He actually had to show me what the hell to do. Sad but true.

[RLGelber]

I just snorted rice through my nose.

[nonlineargirl]

Not to kick a girl when she's down, but oh the funniest part to me is the ads on the side bar of your site - for "stress balls". Looks like they've got that right.

[Paula]

oh spew. I nearly woke the Impling with that snort. My face hurts.

Wicked header.

[Meg]

It's always amazed me that little boys will grab the frank and beans and try and rip them totally off, but grown men freak from the lightest touch. What's with that?

[Nancy]

I was truly relieved when Rosie was born because I was terrified of having to deal with the little boy parts. This post makes me feel even better. :-)

[carrie]

You are cracking me up, and the comments too!

Do not be afraid of the balls...sounds like a science fiction film or something.

Just remember to cover him while diapering, if I remember correctly, the target practice only lasts the first few months and then they calm down!

You'll be fine.

[motherofbun]

Yeah that part "eek-ed" me out a bit. In the bath, I figured, I'd just let them "soak". If they looked clean, I figured they were.

Don't forget that when you change him, to put a diaper over the "weiner". One those things are exposed, the cold air turns them into little fountains. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten peed on in those early days.

I just read the comment on "baby wood." Yeah, that DOES freak a mom out.

[Fresh Mommy]

Yikes on the balls and the flying pee! I changed my nephew's diaper once, and I felt like a moving target.

And I'm *dying* to know -- did you decide to circumsize?

[Her Bad Mother]

I would LURVE to have a baby boy, but the whole ball navigation thing really does wig me out.

[Denise C.]

Balls. hehe

My kids pronounce balls like their dad says it...bowallls. Like they are from the Bronx or something. Only we are from Southern Cali. Totally.

Or they say "huevitos" which is little eggs in spanish. Yep, little eggs, thats pretty much it. Sooooo much nicer to clean than a vagina. After five boys, a vagina was like this foreign entity. Discharge and goop and stuff to dig out and clean. And I was so paranoid she would get an infection if I didn't meticulously clean it. Ew. Yeh, balls are nice. Balls own.

[Gretta]

I just know you are doing GREAT. xo

[creative-type dad]

LOL! I'm cracking up here.

Yes, clean all over. Thing of them like elbows.

[Roxanne]

congrats!! I have 2 boys, and I have found that "ball sensitivity" is something that boys learn later. You can be aggressive against the poo, within reason. Feel free to move them in whatever direction you need to. and a warm washcloth does wonders for poopy balls and crusty noses.

[Kate]

I'm so behind on blogging lately - just wanted to stop in and say "congrats" on having a baby boy!

And besides the balls, boys are great!! Feel free to wipe freely in all directions around the balls.

[Kelly]

Sorry that I don't have time to read all the comments and see if anyone else had this, but here goes. My son had what's called a "partial circumcision" which is where the foreskin is only partially formed (on the top but tapers and isn't there on the bottom of his penis). Not really a problem, but his foreskin is completely retractable. Ok, not really a problem. Problem is that diapers have *fluffs* in them, and those fluffs get under his foreskin. Grr to having to clean that. It took me a long time before I was truely comfortable doing it.
You'll get used to the balls. I'm not sure if you have yet or not, but even babies get hard-ons (which is so weird!). Tuck the little thing downward when you diaper (makes a surprising difference). If he starts peeing when you change him (#2 did that), it'll eventually get used to the temp change from when you open the diaper and he'll stop (try using a folded up wipe tucked around his bits until he does).

[TB]

Just checking in after being gone for awhile. Congratulations on a beautiful healthy boy!

I'll be dealing with these same issues in 12 weeks, and I can say with certainty I will be just as confused when it comes to tiny family jewels.

So happy for you.

[Elaine]

This is why when people suggest we try for one more (we have 2 girls) in hopes of having a boy, I shudder. I guess you get used to dealing with them, but I'm perfectly happy with the girl bits, thankyouverymuch.

[InterstellarLass]

I don't think I ever had a problem keeping up with my son before he could keep up with himself. You do have to make sure it's clean all over, but I don't think I ever hurt him. If the poop is especially sticky, get a wash cloth and soak it in warm water. Put the cloth on and let it sit for a minute. Kind of loosens up the gunk. I'm sure I probably used a few too many wipes, but clean is the name of the game. It also kind of grossed me out to roll back the skin (I had him circ'd), but no matter what, you have to roll it back and clean in there too. You'll get used to it! I'm sure you're doing a fine job.

[Becky Brahma]

Ummm.yeah...and how about the way they can stick to the thigh when they are slightly wet. OY!

[katie]

Jeeez I just had to stop reading these comments because you people are downright crazy LOL! Again, CONGRATS on baby Chalk's entrance into this, yes, crazy world - loads of health to both of you!!

[Christina]

And this is why I'm glad I'm having another girl. I wouldn't know where to start in taking care of those extra bits. I'm a pro at taking care of girl parts now, so another girl isn't a big problem.

Everyone here has good advice. Just keep 'em clean to prevent later smelly balls. If you do have that problem, I hear Izzy has advice on that. :)

[Nicci]

pretty soon you'll be a professional ball handler, a "Harlem Globetrotter" ball handler. congratulations on your new addition, love your blog.

[Tater and Tot]

I have two girls, so no personal experience. I do, however, have girlfriends with boys. They have put the fear of all things penile in me by telling me about the adhesions they can get on their little units if you don't keep the cir'd skin pulled down every day. It makes me puke a little in my mouth if I think about pulling the skin that thinks it's healing itself. Not fun.

[FishyGirl]

For some reason, DS #2 over here had enormous balls, he kept all kinds of crap hidden under there all the time. Frankly, they aren't fragile at all at this age - my DH keeps talking to DS #1 when he sits on the top of our baby gate about how much it hurts just looking at him and DS says it doesn't hurt at all, so I think maybe something kicks in later to make them painful? Right now, wipe away; unless you drop the box of wipes on them, you won't hurt 'em.

[Cori]

They are really not all that fragile, just keep wiping. I actually found boys easier than girls as you don't have to worry about which direction to wipe.

A few pointers about boys. Point the um you know what down when you put the diaper on or he'll pee up and out of the top of his diaper. If you are not doing the snip, snip make sure you clean, clean. Always lift and clean underneath or he might get a little red. They will pee in your face while you are changing the diaper so you may not want to lean over him while you are changing the diaper, you could buy some PeePee TeePees but a wipe will work just as well.

Another diapering tip not necessarily related to boys, if he's pooping out the top of his diaper tuck the back part of the diaper in after you have put it on it will act as a poop trap.

I have two boys and when the diapers are just too bad I throw both children in the tub.

On bathing, the absolute best thing I ever bought is the Daphne Bath Seat. It will save your back and bathtime will be so much nicer for you and baby Drew. Also great if you have twins and want to bathe them at the same or give them bottles at the same time.

[Jaime]

No balls advice here---sorry!

But I had to tell you----I LOVE the new header!!! Perfect.

[rachel]

no advice - all girls here.

I'm loving your new redo, and am laughing hysterically at your last line.

Um, maybe that's the percocet, though.

[mothergoosemouse]

Cleaning balls is a MAN'S job.

[Toni]

I worked in daycare all through college... I think every full day (8 hours) I spent in the infant room I changed about 60 diapers... I never really even thought about it... I just cleaned away and there were no problems... As everyone is saying...dont worry bout it.. you wont hurt him:)

[Johanna]

I have 3 year old twin boys. I also have a five year old girl. I think girls and boys are equally as challenging to clean. Girls you have to be so careful with cause you don't want them to get an infection. And boys, well they are just disgusting. Having two to clean is more then anyone should have to deal with. Every morning they are standing so far in the air I'm afraid if I wipe to hard it will snap like a tree branch (ok I'm giving them a lil bit of credit, maybe a twig not a branch, but I've been yelled at by every guy in my family for saying oh look at ur lil bird, so I don't want to give them a complex). Anyways, I watch my boys in horror when they yank, twist, and do what looks like they are trying to rip it off. Even after watching how hard they play with it, I myself am still as gentle as can be with it. I remember one time I was at my mom's changing diapers and one had a humongous wood. I thought since it was pointing up, to put the diaper on and face it upwards, as I did this my two brothers, and father screamed out in horror and agony. That was when I got my first lesson in dealing with baby boy woodies, and have not forgotten to this day. I can't wait till they finally can clean them theirselves, I am sooooo tired of looking at and wiping them. It is almost funny watching your lil one interacting with his lil member, my one twin calls his a pecker, and the other his pepper. When I'm cleaning one the other is always over my shoulder talking about the others, is it penis envy at such a young age? I don't know nor do I want to know. I just want them to clean it themselves and keep them in their pants so I no longer have to deal with them.

[Sueb0b]

My mom had 3 girls over a 12 year period before she finally had a boy. She said she remembers calling her mom during bathtime and saying "Mom, are they supposed to float??"

[jaelithe]

I agree with the previous posters that the equipment is not nearly as fragile as it seems. Just wipe very thoroughly. The great thing about boys is that you can wipe in any direction-- up and down, side to side-- which you sort of need to do in order to get the poop out of all the little wrinkles on the scrotum.

I have found that, especially with sticky poop like newborn poop, the wetter the wipe, the better. So be sure not to let your wipes get dried out by leaving the box open.

Oh, and also, as previous posters noted, the boy most likely will get an erection from time to time while you are cleaning him. Sometimes that means he's about to pee, so be ready to shield your eyes!

In fact, just prepare yourself now for the fact that, no matter what you do to prevent it, you will be peed upon several times over the next year or so . . .

[leahpeah]

wipe all over and wipe really good.
that is all the advice i have after three boys.
congrats.
xoxo

[vickie]

oh my god how funny! Yes I remember the weirdness that was the ball cleaning.

Can't believe you're blogging with all you have on your plate but so glad....hee

Hope baby and family are doing great!

[Brooke]

2 boys and 5 years in total of nut-scrubbing later, I can relate. Intially I was scared to death to touch that little unit, and the first time he got 'happy' during a diaper change I just about puked with worry. I was sure I had given him mommy issues. Boy's never gonna be able to get off without his wife breaking out the diaper wipes and giving it a good yank.
Seriously though, after the first few major dumps, I realized that those things are in no way fragile. When you see how hard he can reef on those guys, how far everything stretches, you'll be amazed. I am anything but gentle during diaper changes, I scrub 'em pretty hard to make sure nothing's hiding in the folds-no harm no foul. Thing is, in 12 weeks I am having a girl. THAT scares me to death. I was hoping for another boy-I know how to work those. Now I'll have to get right in there to get her poop out?! That's worse than having to deal with bratz dolls I am sure of it.
You're good stuff Kristen, don't sweat it. Focus instead on getting you and the fam the hell outta dodge before you lose your damned mind.
Canada's good, and it'd be a loong drive for the in-laws. Just a thought.

[mamatulip]

I was terrified of the twig and berries when I was first faced with cleaning them. TERRIFIED. I kind of threw the wipe over top and stood there for a few seconds before thinking, "Okay, it's all clean now" and throwing the wipe away.

Then when Oliver was around three months old he started grabbing at his package. And by grabbing I mean taking hold of his balls and pulling them in all sorts of different, painful-looking directions. And he laughed. And did it again. After that I knew me wiping his area wasn't gonna hurt.

[Mommy off the Record]

LMAO. I've never, ever thought this much about wiping my kid's balls. Does that make me a bad mom?

[Jenn]

oh, I am so glad I had a girl! I could have dealt with a little penis but I hadn't even thought of the balls conundrum... good luck with that pair. :P

(love the new header, btw)

[Mrs. Chicky]

Another reason why I am totally freaked out at the possibility of having another child.. What if I had a BOY? What to do with all the extra bits and pieces? Good luck with the juggling... It must be hard to keep all those balls in the air.

[Damselfly]

I really don't know what the baby balls etiquette is. I lift them to clean them during a change. For the first couple of months, I kept asking my husband, does this look normal? And I told him it's not that I'm obsessed with my little one's wang, but that I am pretty clueless about the little thing. Then I made the mistake of calling my husband the penis expert. He told me to stop calling him that.

[vickie]

I was grateful to not have a girl just because I thought it would be easier to clean poop from a boy. (I used to babysit girls who had enormous amounts of poop that would get into their VaJJs. I felt like I was violating them in my effort to get them really clean.) But that's changed since my boy has been producing copious amounts of almost-grownup poop. Sticky poop that clings to his but and penis and balls. It takes me about 8-10 wipes!!!

My son likes to touch himself, which I'm totally ok with--I provide some dialog ("Hello, penis!"). I wonder though what I'll do if and when I get a girl. It seems odder to say "Hello, vagina!". "Penis" rolls off the tongue so much more smoothly.

[JailDiet]

I've come across "PeePeeTeePees" when looking for a baby shower gift. They're basically little pointy paper cups that you put over his wingledong so he doesn't pee on you. On the subject of balls...can't help.

[Jamie]

I find all my son needs is a good solid swipe of the wet wipe under those things and it's all good. He's not circumcised so penis care is super easy right now (he's only 1 1/2 years old) And I agree, blog about the baby wood. I haven't had the guts to tell the internet about my son's morning wood yet. it's still weird for me.

[kim]

I'm finally used to having a boy (after 21 months) and have a girl on the way. It's been 20+ years since I took care of my nieces and "shar-pei land".

My husband forgets to clean under the penis when he changes my son's diapers. He remembers to lift the balls though, and he does manage to keep himself clean. Go figure.

[Binkytown]

Ill never forget when I took my baby boy in for what I thought had to be an infection around the foreskin and the doc told me it was smegma. I laughed out loud. Then got very embarrased. How was I supposed to know?

[Dawn]

hahahahaha - I remember those days... my unsnipped boy was definitely a challenge, but he managed to come out with everything in tact LOL I had a much harder time with my daughter, trying to find the line between clean and ya know... molestation. uGh!

[Woman with Kids]

Lift them, carefully, but otherwise don't worry about 'em. Wait till you see him yank on them a bit, you realize they're not as fragile as we've been led to believe.

Also? I potty trained my sons and taught them to pee standing up. Now there's fun.

Lastly? When Chaulk sports an erection in his diaper? Just point in down. Gently.

[Karen Rani]

It's meat-curtains OR piss-flaps. Stop re-inventing everything. Like the internet. And motherhood. Sheesh. Ha ha ha ha...kidding of course.

[Andy]

Wow, something I've never even thought about. I'm getting ready to have a boy myself and now I'm paranoid! It may be a good excuse to make my husband do more early changes, you know, since he's experienced with that boy-stuff.

[Mom101]

And here I laugh twice - once at this post and once (a big one) at the new header which is so perfectly you.

[Stephanie]

I know how you feel. I grew up in an all-female household (divorced mom, 3 sisters), so having a son really threw me off, especially since all my sisters have only had daughters. No sisters to advise me, just my husband.

I'm pretty comfortable cleaning my son off now but learning was rough and pretty intimidating.

[radmama]

Wet washcloths, a bit of nice oil and a good scrub.

Wait 'til he discovers his 'first pull toy'! Then you'll know that they aren't *that* delicate. ;-)

[pixie sticks]

I always lift the four I have to deal with and so far we've been just fine. I try not to look directly at them - that seems to help.

[Pattie]

*LOL*
I will never look at Bojangles restaurant the same way again after reading this post....

[Jacquie]

Having had 3 girls well I am unable to help here. But your post did make me think of SNL when Alec Baldwin was on one x-mas and doing a skit about "balls" OMG it was too funny and it so just popped into my head.

[mrsfortune]

Lift, wipe, rinse, repeat. The part that always gets me is he had this little bath seat that he'd sit right up against and it'd push on his one-two red-blue, and I was always worried it hurt. But he doesn't seem to mind.

[Jill]

I've got two boys and honestly, I never gave cleaning them a thought. One is 'cised and one not (long story) and I've treated them the same thus far. They play with their equipment ALL the time and have discovered how interesting it is when it looks "like a rocket ship". I wash parts that are dirty- no handling w/o a wet wipe needed, front to back, back to front, side to side- whatever it takes. I find their parts much less challenging than little girl parts since I don't have to worry about causing a UTI.

As my non-'cised boy reached toddlerhood, pushing the skin back to wash in the tub became needed, but he can do it himself (and by George, why take the fun out of it for him?)

I am constantly amazed by what they can do with this equipment I don't have. A foreskin can stretch REALLY far!

[Stephanie]

Im still waiting to hear if you had him circumcised or not- I am due in 2 weeks and just cant decide if I should do it or not...

[Kimba]

AHH! As I await the impending arrival of a boy, the whole willy & balls set is totally freaking me out! I've expressed to my husband repeatedly I don't know how to take care of them, and your post only has aided my irrational fear! And how do you treat it if we have it snipped?! Good luck!

[Jen]

First of all, let me tell ya, I love your new heading. I know the feeling!
Yeah, with two boys, I totally know what you are talking about! My husband was a pro at changing the little dude's diapers! He lifted and wiped with ease. I looks so painful and unnatural for it to stretch like that! Those little crevices are the worst when it comes to dry poop. If all else failed, I would just throw them in the tub!
The one tip I have for you is to always make sure the penis is pointing down when you put on a fresh diaper. Otherwise you will be going through 50 shirts a day!

[Shannon]

heheheheh...my son is 2 1/2 and still daily I am mystified by the whole boy unit in general. My husband says to lift and wipe throughly, I am a big believer in powder to keep it all from sticking together. Be sure to blog when you see the baby wood. It totally freaked me out!!!

[tracey]

Kay, I'm laughing out loud. For real. Sorry, the only balls in this house are my husbands and lucky for me, he doesn't need my help to keep them clean.