Who Knew There Were Crazier In-laws Than Mine?

Well I have to say that bras hanging from a kitchen light doesn't seem so bad. Apparently many of you, like me, married into a family of doozies. Or, like Mrs. Mogul's FIL says, "Doobie Doos."

Now that is pretty damn amazing (and oddly comforting).

And so, I present you with the nine fabulous finalists for my first ever "Quote the In-Laws: Special Holiday Edition" Contest where one lucky person will be rewarded with a $25 Starbucks Gift card that will allow you to legally drown your sorrows.

So, you have until Friday, January 12 to place your vote. I'll announce the lucky winner on Monday if I'm not in labor or immediately post child. I know it's shocking, but I will NOT have a computer in the delivery room.

One vote per person, per blog, per email (you get my drift). Leave them in the comments.  And please scroll down the comments of the original post to read the full entries and their context. They are quite amazing.

1. Mother-in-law's Old Baggy Undies, Everyone's Christmas Fantasy, entered by Jennifer.

"Here you can have my old underwear that is too big for me!"

2. Revolution vs. Intelligent Design, Evolution Wins, entered by Tammie. "Oh, I believe in revolution. Of course God put the bacteria on the earth that we revolved from but I believe we didn't start out as human. If you don't believe in God then what is the point in living?"

3. Woe to Vegetarians Part I, Vegetarianism = No More Eating Out, entered by Cori. "So your new boyfriend is a vegetarian? I guess that means he doesn't eat pussy."

4. Woe to Vegetarians Part II, Produce Murderers, entered by Apricoco. "Being a vegetarian is so damn stupid. I mean lettuce is ALIVE... Lettuce has feelings! CAN'T YOU HEAR THE LETTUCE SCREAMING????"

5. In-law-ese, Doobie doobie doo, entered by Mrs. Mogul. "Can you get me that Doobie Doo."

6. Race Relations for Dummies, Back in the Good Old Days, entered by Kristina. "I told Drew that it did not bother me that he was dating a colored. I think colored people are friendly. Oh, in my day we called you colored."

7. How to Talk to Your Kids So They'll Listen, The Cursing Granny, entered by Jerri Ann. "Come here you little bastard"......Or "shit" or "asshole"....you name it!

8. A New Twist on Doggie Style, entered by Jennie. "Oh, she is a little confused ... her doggie day care people are lesbians."

9. Why Asian Students Have Holes in Their Socks, entered by Kate. "So, how are you doing competing with those Oriental kids, you know their parents take away their shoes so they study more."

Voting is closed!

Comments

[Kristina]

I missed this but number 3 would have been my vote too. LOL. Thanks for including me.

[Gretta]

#3

[Jerri Ann]

I am the one with the cursing granny and even though it would be absolutely non-alarming if my mother-in-law said the word pussy, even if she called my kid that (she has called her son that before).......I still have to vote for #3 myself.

[sarah]

#8! because...um...just because!

[rachel]

really tough choice, but I go with 3

I'm thinking there must be a runner's up prize, though, because if these folks all have to live with these people they should get something nice out of it!

[Jen]

#3. That one SO crosses the line

[Kristin]

My vote goes to #1. Hell, maybe next Christmas she'll give you one of her used bras-- an old yellowing one with lots of stiff underwire and a drooping, crusty silk rose between the cups. Gak.

[Bobita]

Oh, this one should go to Cori. She needs some kind of recognition. No one should have to endure that kind of torture.

So, #3, Cori...she gets my vote!!

[M&Co.]

Oh #3 gets my vote.

[Cheryl]

3 -- just because I think I would have to stage a huge freak out if my inlaw ever said that.

[TB]

So hard to choose, but I think #1 is the most personally offensive.

[picklemommy]

#1
Passive aggressive one-up man ship is a quiet staple in my universe. And sharing granny panties?!!? EWWWWWWW.

The racist and sexist ones are awful, and the very notion of my FIL saying pussy sends me into torrents or laughter.

Thanks for the amusement!

[Michele]

I have to go with the eating pussy one!

[Ashley]

Oh My God.

Number three.

[margalit]

Said to my cousin about her sister and sister's new husband, who is Japanese.

"You know, with his sunglasses on he looks just like one of us, dear."

[melissa]

I must contest #4. That's a line from the song, "I hear the vegetables screaming" (yes, it's a real song, I heard it on NPR for the first time a few weeks ago and you can google it). Is it possible that this MIL was making a pop-saavy joke that was lost in translation?

[Bri]

I just love that someone's inlaws said pussy. That's just hilarious!

[Jessica]

I have to say that #3 is my top pick. They were all good but that one I'm still having trouble getting over.

[Jacquie]

Well I love #3! But #1 and #6 are up there. #1 reminds me of the time DH said hey why dont you where "those" underwear ummmm well because your MOTHER gave them to me!! (Yes they were some sort of cast off)

[Cheryll]

I vote for # 3 ;)

[Kyla]

Oh, it so HAS to be #3. Really, who says that to anyone?

[Tater and Tot]

I pick #8 - the train of thought for that one is hilarious!

[Alicia]

#3! What kind of in-law would say that! That is horrible!

[Chris]

I have to go with #3. I would die if any of my inlaws said anything like that. #6 is just downright mean. Who says shit like that in this day and age?
Too funny!!!

[gigi]

#9. because i think it was said with great earnestness which makes it that much more unbelievable. and therefore somehow so funny!

ps. kristin - you are so creative with your contests (and writing in general)! i love it!

[Sheila]

Too Funny!! #3

[Tammie]

You say you want an EVOLUTIO-ION, we-ell you know...We all want to change the world...

As a surprised and flattered nominee I don't know if I can vote but I have read and re-read the entries (hysterical!) and I myself keep coming back to the Lesbian Doggie Day Care (#8). So that would earn my vote. It actually makes me fearful that my own MIL is working undercover tormenting another family! That is SO a comment she would make. As far as the nasty or mean grandparents I just can't chuckle at those. However I have immense respect for those of you that have to deal with that!

Now, when are we going to get a "stupid things that husbands do" contest? I have a couple in the hopper ready to go just from this morning.. =)

[Susanne]

#3, though 2 and 1 are coming in close. I'll have to show my husband this. (I have never experienced this problem with vegetarians, and from what I heard maybe the bacteria revolved from MILs.)

[katie]

I'm voting for the new and improved theory of revolution #2 !

[bek]

Wow... those are great, but I have to go with the Race Relations one.... for this reason. My grand father in law wrote a Christmas letter in which he praised our family up and down for adopting "a little colored girl"!!! AGGGGG I might choke him with the panties offered in number one....

[Mom2One]

#3. They're all awful, but that one would leave me speechless, and not much does.

[apricoco]

oops, I didn't realize that my other comment posted. sorry about the double..

[apricoco]

Even though I would like the infamy that comes with the win... I have to vote for #3. Because if anyone said that to me, I would probably choke on my "screaming lettuce".

[eliz]

I can't pick favorites but had to share my favorite two from my ex-MIL.

1. When her son proposed, he did it a couple weeks earlier than he was going to because we'd just gotten word that my cousin had lost the second of her triplets (prematurity issues- 22 and 23 weeks). We went in, he excitedly told his mom and her first words were not "congrats" but "you know your brother is getting divorced".

2. The only reason she became a teacher was because she couldn't be a nurse because she couldn't stand blood and if she was a secretary, her schedule would be too hard to provide her obligated children to her husband/family.

3. Teaching- she would NOT use the computer in her classroom. She wouldn't let her students use it. However, she also wouldn't let it go to another classroom/teacher because, and I quote, "if I let it go, I will not get it back". She DIDN'T USE THE COMPUTER. EVER. She even tried to tell me (who was becoming a teacher myself) that it is faster for her to keep grades in a gradebook than computer. And that she shouldn't give the kids updates on their grades other than official reports. ARGH.

4. The first summer we lived together (engaged, but before married) she thought one of us was sleeping in a tiny hard wood chair. Yeeeeaaaahhh.

5. But my favorite is like your #1. One time she actually presented me with her old, yellow/gray, stretched out granny panties underwear. With the exclamation that we could buy new elastic for them at Wal-mart down the road and put it in. Now, I believe in saving a buck-but new elastic would cost more than replacing them. I was so horrifed. My ex just stood there speechless. Her husband (whom I still adore) was shocked and told her off for doing that.

I hope you laughed, I laugh myself these days. And the current boyfriend's mom? LOVE her. She's awesome. And she has never, ever, ever offered me her old undies.

[apricoco]

I think I have to vote for #3. I mean because if anyone said that to me, I would probably choke on my "screaming lettuce".

[mothergoosemouse]

I want to vote for all of them, but #2 is the one that would make me lose my shit.

[Jamie]

#3 gets my vote.

[Erin]

definitely #8...it's something my granparents would say:0

[Bethany]

#3 I can't stop laughing.

[Kate Morgan]

I have to vote for #2. I love the use of the word "revolve".

[Awesome Mom]

#3 hands down

[livin' life]

I've got to vote for #3 because

O

MY

GOD!!!

[Valeta]

I vote for #3.

#9 is hilarious.

[MDLoudMouth]

#3 almost made me piss my pants!! That one TOTALLY gets my vote!

[Kate]

Oh this is such a hard decision... but I guess Id have to go with #6. Gotta love the comedy that comes from the inner racist.

[Colleen]

Voting for #8 ;).

[Mom101]

These are all so amazing (unreal? Unbelievable?) that it's truly hard to pick. But I have to go with Tammie's, #2. Because I can't stop laughing at it.

[Anita]

I have to go with #3 because it still cracks me up to just think about it!! Me & dh were laughing so hard we had tears streaming out of our eyes!

[Jaime]

#3. I read that one while at work and actually had to run to the ladies room so no one would hear my hysterical laughter. It floored me.

[Damselfly]

Um. These are all horrible. But I have to pick one, so I pick #3.

[Melanie]

#3 gets my vote. I cannot believe that was said!!

#8 will have me laughing all day. :)

[Stacy]

#1. That's so gross. I wouldn't take old underwear from anyone (especially my MIL!) I belive that no matter how many times you wash them, they still retain crotch germs. Ew.

[JailDiet]

I vote #3.

Anytime the word "pussy" is used it is usually an automatic winner with me. Most especially if it is used by one's in-law.

So sorry for poor Cori...I'm voting her for the "worst." Many apologies on my behalf for Cori's in-law pain...and to every who has in-laws--period!

[Steve]

3, because it was good enough that my wife had to make me come and read it.

[Redneck mommy]

I've got to go with #3.

It was tough, because #7 sounds like my dad. Who regularly calls the kids "Peckerheads" and tells them he is gonna put his boot up their asses.

Ahh, I love my daddy.

But I never thought of bush as a meat product.

See, I come here, I'm entertained and I'm educated.

What a public service you've created!

[Redneck mommy]

I've got to go with #3.

It was tough, because #7 sounds like my dad. Who regularly calls the kids "Peckerheads" and tells them he is gonna put his boot up their asses.

Ahh, I love my daddy.

But I never thought of bush as a meat product.

See, I come here, I'm entertained and I'm educated.

What a public service you've created!

[mommiebear2]

Im going to vote for #4, I like that one. :)

[Heidi]

#3 I can't believe he said that!!

[Kris H.]

Definitely #3!

[Heather]

#8 is the best in my book. How can you tell? I've been re-telling people since I read it!

[Maves]

this was tough. i vote for #3

[Kai]

Tough choice...got to go with 9 though. Honorable mention for #1 though...you poor girl!

[sunnie]

I, uh, um, yeah. Number 6.

[Susan]

Oh my.

*blink blink*
*blink blink*

I'm going with #3 since I shot milk out of my nose when I read it.

[Tiger]

I have to go with #1... I can't imagine anyone actually saying that!!!

I would have gone with #3, but that just sounded like something my own grandma would have said!!!!!!!

[Binkytown]

I have to give it up for #9 with #8 as a close second. #9 is just so.... ridiculous!

[Keek]

An I thought my family was wierd!! Sooo much bad behavior. Got to go with #6. My grandma used to say "colored". Unbelievable!

[Tatiana]

setting aside all the crude and mean comments....
2. Revolution vs. Intelligent Design, Evolution Wins, entered by Tammie - brilliant!
I can almost tolerate nasty, stupid mil comments, probably because i'm just numb, but when i read about in-laws saying cruel things to or making our children cry - I'm completely sickened.

[Andi]

Looks like #3 is a clear winner... It probably says something that when I first read that one in the comments of the original post, I really wished that she'd responded to dear old dad by saying, "Well, pops, a lot depends on how its prepared."

[Amy]

Number 7, because even the most retarded person should know better than to say that to a child, nevermind FAMILY...sigh my heart goes out to that mother

[Sistina]

#1 because it's so something my MIL would do.

[Stacey]

it's got to be number three "So your new boyfriend is a vegetarian? I guess that means he doesn't eat pussy" although the lesbian doggy dare care people are a close second. I still haven't stopped laughing.

[Angie]

#4 is by far the most hilarious!

[BFF]

Although I'd love to endlessly ponder on how we've REVOLVED from bacteria that the Lord made (I think that's so great), I'm going to go with #7, the Cursin' Granny, cause...C'MON! I want to see VIDEO of that.

[mayberry]

It's a tough choice, especially between 3 and 7, but I'm going with 7 because OH MY GOD.

[Cori]

Oh I have to vote for #7, my Mom was visting once and called my son who was one at the time "a little shithead!" Okay so we both come from screwed up families.

[Caren]

I have to say #3 also. I would just DIE if I heard my FIL say that. Just. Die.

[Frema]

3, 6, and 9 are the best, but yeah, number three, because WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT?

[Kind of Crunchy Mama]

#1 all the way. Trying to look thoughtful while making a passive aggressive "I'm thinner than you" comment is classic bad MIL.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Take the "a" out of that last sentence. Way to ruin a joke, Mrs. C.

[Mrs. Chicky]

I have to go with my heart and vote for #8, the lesbian doggie daycare. But I have to say #3 was a very close second. I mean, come on, bush is a vegetarian.

[Vikki]

I'll go with #3 because that one actually made me gasp when I read it the first time.

[AndreaDetroit]

I gotta vote for #3!

[Hollie]

#8 - the humping dog being blamed on lesbians at the day care. CLASSIC!

[Much More Than A Mom]

Hmmm, I'm stuck between 3, 8 and 9. I'll go with 3 because, um, GROSS!

[Suebob]

They are all terrible. But something about the crudeness of #3 just kills me.

[Nancy]

They are all bad, but I think #1 made me shudder the most.

[Erin]

Wow. Those are some doozies. I think for sheer meanness, I would have to go with #6.

[m]

Tough call, but I've got to go with #7, the cursing granny, who is not only setting a fine example but building priceless memories for her grandchildren through these lovely interactions. So touching.

[surviving motherhood]

These are fabulous! I am so glad mine don't speak a word of English - am sure I wouldn't like them half as much if they did.

My vote goes to #1, Everyones Christmas Fantasy.

[mamatulip]

Okay, now that I've wiped the tears away...only ONE? My god. This is tough. I think I'm going to have to go for the one that made me clasp my hand over my mouth and guffaw, and that's Number Three: "So your new boyfriend is a vegetarian? I guess that means he doesn't eat pussy."