I Hope She'll Remember More of Me Than the Back of My Head

I vascillate between wanting to have my own place in this world and feeling incredibly guilty for not spending more time with my daughter. Isn't that the crux of every working woman's dilemma?

Sure. My work just so happens to require me to sit in front of the computer for as long as I can humanly stand it. But a part of me worries that I might end up being the mom that nods, smiles, and says "uh-huh" to her daughter who just asked if she could get a tattoo at the ripe young age of 10.

Am I being self-obsessed by sitting here, typing my life away or is it something that I need in order to survive and make it just one more day as her mother?

It's hard not to imagine the legacy you'll be leaving your child. I often wonder if she'll take any pride in the work that I've done.

"Oh wow. Nice blogs. Funny stories, mom." *eyes roll*

I want to create vivid memories of myself within my daughter -- stories of our crazy times, wild escapades, and deep conversations that led her to become the CEO of this, or the President of that. I envy and cherish the stories of fellow bloggers whose parents were just that. Inspiring.

The mom who buys her daughter a rat. The mom who takes her kids to pro-choice rallies and buys her a subscription to Ms. The parents who let their teenage daughter curse her head off in her room because she had a bad day.

It's one thing to be unmemorable in this vast world. I'm not sure I care much if no one knows who I am or what I did when I leave here for the next life. But part of me can't help but hope that I'm not just memorable in my children's minds because I have to be.

"I remember Mom. She was... Mom."

But more because I was the mom that was active in their lives. Creating, being, loving, and living. Not just sitting around with them watching the back of my head bob up and down at the computer.

Last night my daughter begged me yet again to strip down to my underwear and play "beach" with her. It's her nightly ritual now -- perhaps it's her escape from our obviously crazy living situation. She puts on her "sunscreen" and lays on the "sand" and basks in the warm "sun." I've refused her every night, feeling decidedly unmotivated to see myself in my underpants and nursing bra sprawled out on a really small bedroom floor. 

But last night, I took off most of my clothes, let her put "sunscreen" on my back, and splashed together with her in the water of the deep blue ocean in our imaginations.

It was glorious.

And memorable.

I hope.

Comments

[CrankMama]

Sis,
How could you be ANYTHING but memorable to your darling kids? You are a force to be reckoned with... beautiful, bright, and articulate. They'll worship the ground you walk on for ages and ages....

Rachael

[Fairly Odd Mother]

I'll be thinking of this post the next time I'm asked to play whatever make-believe game is going on in our house. Really lovely post.

[Erin]

I had a recent discussion with my mum about this. I mentioned that, with the birth of my first baby approaching, I was worried I would never be as patient as she was and she laughed! She says she never felt like she was patient enough with me and yet the overall memory I have of my childhood is her being so calm and interested in me and playing with me for what felt like hours!!

[kyra]

aw, how sweet of you to link! yes, i remember those swearing minutes with such love in my heart! they had great moments, the parents. epecially when they took all the silverware away and said we HAD to eat with our hands and then served two straight weeks of stew, spagetti, ratatouille, and the like.

but, listen, you ARE that mom! that inspiration! and the struggle that you describe is one i totally relate to. the only thing is, i'm longing for the work time but not actually getting it. alternating between my intense longing for it and then my adoration and appreciation fo the time i have with my boy, right now.

it's a struggle. sigh.

[christina]

I think the struggle you describe is one that every mom faces, whether she works outside the home full time, stays at home full time, or is somewhere in between. We wear so many hats at the same time it seems that someone or something is always getting short changed. I am seeking out ways to simplify my life in order to have time for what's really important.

[Robina]

Now THOSE are the memories kids will cherrish, and believe it or not you will, too, and you'll be able to share those memories with HER kids!

[Nichole]

You are memorable. This post is one of my favorites, in its simplicity and sweetness.

[GIRL'S GONE CHILD]

Your daughter is going to be so proud of you. You are a force to be reckoned with. And the moments Q will remember will be plentiful and perfect.

[Mom101]

My grandmother was a great woman, but didn't take my mom to rallies. It has to start somewhere. I think that somewhere is right in your hands, as lie lie on the beach with Q. How wonderful is that!

[carrie]

See? You ARE that mom, the inspiring one!

[Dorothy]

I think this is my first trip here...and I'm totally loving your voice!

[Dorothy]

I think this is my first trip here...and I'm totally loving your voice!

[Dana]

I think you're an amazing mother. You have a career, but you're able to be home with your children for the most part. I envy that.

[Overwhelmed!]

You're preaching to the choir! I have the same concerns.

I try hard to MAKE time for my son and follow his lead as to what he wants to do. It's not always easy as a working FT mom.

That balance between work, marriage, children, and keeping yourself sane is never easy.

[Kelly]

Playing beach sounds like such a great idea. No doubt she'll remember those moments. I remember standing on the kitchen chair watching my mother decorate cakes. She'd give us one of the frosting beaters to lick.

I often tell myself, too, that you can't fill up the whole of your child's day. They need some solo time to learn how to play independently. I say that, of course, as someone whose eldest daughter is attempting to climb on my lap. Ha. So much for mommy time!

(From where I sit and read, I think you're doing a marvelous job...)

[InterstellarLass]

I was wondering this same thing this weekend. If they'll remember all the good things, or if the not-so-shining moments will be the ones that stand out. I know which it is for me, and I hope I'm doing better than my mom.

[katie]

Great post, thank you!

[keek]

I think almost every working mother stuggles with what I call mommy guilt. I work 4 days a week, my husband stays home, and I still feel guilty. But I am a better mom because I am not with them 24/7. I bake cakes, make messes and build lego robots with my full attention and desire. I feel that I am teaching my kids about responsibility, sacrifice, and my daughter that she can do anything, and does NOT need to be reliant on a man. Life should be a give and take, and you have to take a little for yourself, in whatever form, or you won't be at your best for yourself or your family.

[Jaime]

You just described my daily struggle. I dont want Grace to remember me as that person who picked her up from day care, made her food, gave her a bath, and then put her to bed...only to wake up and do the same thing the next day.

I have come to cherish those little moments, like Q's Beach. They matter most. And they are what she will remember.

[petite mommy]

I want that too. I've been struggling so much lately as a work at home mom. I'm like you in that much of my day is spent at the computer with the kids at home too. I feel guilty for doing it yet at the same time I need to do it. And, I'm afraid that by working at home, I'm just not spending enough quality time with my boys. I'm just one of those people who thinks I never play enough even if I do play all day..guess I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing.

[Redneck Mommy]

Struggle with this every day myself. But every day, when my daughter comes over to kiss me randomly and tell me about mermaids, or when my son comes over and asks what the redneck has written today while poking me in the side, I realize I'm doing fine.

Better than fine. Just as you are.

And I haven't stripped to play beach with my brood. Good for you.

[joy]

of course it was! and i have absolutely no doubt in my mind that you will be a memorable mom. and you will be all the more memorable for having a strong sense of identity and self-worth separate from being a mother. 5 minutes of "beach" (for me yesterday it was "volcano") goes a very very long way. remember. quality over quantity:)

[BFF]

Finding and then ironing pretty fall leaves between sheets of wax paper.

Making paper mache bowls and painting them with flowers when they set.

Mixing our own salt-dough making hand prints for Grandma.

Singing Christmas Carols (in harmony).

Shopping for school clothes and being allowed to get one pair of really expensive jeans, just so I could be cool.

These are some of the little moments that I remember with my mom, K. They are tucked away in my heart and I take them out and turn them over and over when I want to remember...
xo

[Dawn]

Another me too. I spend tons of time at my computer too, and am expecting baby #3 in a week. I worry that my 3-1/2 yr old will remember the back of mom's head, and not the nearly nightly "Helping mom make dinner" thing that we've got going - or that it'll be replaced with "oh yeah, and THEN SHE HAD A BABY".

We have to do what keeps US sane, if we're going to stay that way for them. And all we can do is our best. At least we worry about this stuff, and aren't having sex in front of them to 'teach them the right way' :)

[Suebob]

I barely remember anything from before I was 5 or so. Certainly not specific events. But I do remember the feeling, the atmosphere, of being important and being noticed and loved.

You're doing fine.

[Jennfactor]

Ye Gods, I struggle with this one. I share custody of my oldest with his father, and I'm afraid that he and his sister won't have the great memories and experiences that My parents gave my brother and I. It's so easy to lose sight of it in the struggle to get homework done, dinner on, and ready for work the next day.
Definitely don't throw your own interests and needs in front of the bus, though! Those interests are what make you mommy, and that is every bit as important to your kiddos.

[Cindy Samuels]

What a wonderfully creative child! That kind of imagination doesn't emerge unless the adults in her life have made it possible. Give yourself some credit. For most of civilization, even the 50s when my mom was making memories for us, those moms who were at home, according to Professor Lois Hoffman (http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Hoffman/Hoffman.html) worked at least as hard as you are now. Their work: running laundry across washboards and ringers, hanging them on clothes lines, starching the shirts, cooking from scratch, putting up preserves -- all the work of running a home took so much time that moms were far more unavailable than people realize. Not the idealized at home moms in Leave it to Beaver.

SO, today, we all do what we can to be the best parents we can be. I think that the beach game is an example of the best of parenting - and the creativity emerging from this small person is all the proof we need of the gifts being given to her. Yay Kristen.

[Kellie]

I have the same worries. Wonder if I'm failing at this Mommy gig.

I was surprised to see this post from you...made me realize that even the great ones have the same questions I do!!

[Jenn]

it is those little moments that will be her memories, as well as those things that you can both be passionate about. at this moment, a beach and the sun sound like very good things to be passionate about :)

[mothergoosemouse]

My goal is to make sure that the little pleasures like that outshine the times when they were hurt or scared or sad.

And even though there are times when I wish I could have a do-over, Tacy will hug me hard and tell me, "I love you so much. You're the best mommy in the world," and I know that the little pleasures are still winning.

Play beach. Kids dig stretch marks.

[Her Bad Mother]

It will be memorable. It will be. I remember the little things, like that: the stories, the make-believe. But it's not the particulars that children remember *in their hearts*, it's the love. She'll remember the love. Because it's there, in spades.

[Amy H]

I think your writing and reading blogs and sitting at your computer "for as long as humanly possible" is YOUR way of escaping your living situation. I think it probably helps keep you sane and THAT makes you a better mom. Even if that means you don't play beach every night.

when your kids are older you will be able to do the things that you refer to. I look back on my childhood and remember vacations, going on business trips with my mom or dad because they were both on them at the same time and had to take me, etc. I remember them never missing a little league game all the way through high school. Those are the memories I have. your kiddos will have those, too!

[Christina]

I have many of the same worries. However, I think balance is what's important. For while they should have some awesome memories with mom, they should also remember mom being herself, enjoying her own interests, and taking pride in her own accomplishments.

It's all about balance. And it sounds like you're trying your best to achieve it.

[Jennifer]

What a great post! I hope I can be a "memorable" mom as well.

[laura]

I hope so, too, Kristen. This one of those posts of yours that makes me get all reflective ... sheesh!

[krista]

me too. that's so sweet kristen.