Just When You Thought it Couldn't Get Any Better... Or Worse...

Is it me or do we all have invisible signs on our asses? During college, I had "grab me ugly weirdo in a dark dance club." It was really quite lovely. Then I had a "grab me weird old dentist man who I used to work for and never want to see ever again" sign.

Eek. Now that was bizarre.

But since meeting my husband, I must have a sign on my ass that says "smack me."

The first time was when we were newly married (read: cheap chapel in Philly) and newly preggo (or really, it was vice versa), and my bff's husband's drunken not-so-friend (follow that?) gave me a whopping ass smack on New Year's Eve.

It was loud, it was resonant, and for most of the folks there (including me, honestly), it was pretty damn funny.

Then I got another doozy from a little old black lady on the Gero-Psychiatric Unit (read: Old and Crazy) in Mississippi. I was walking past her my music therapy session and she gave me a whackola.

Again, fairly comical, and bizarrely flattering, since she usually whacked most of the staff in the head.

But yesterday, as I was walking out the computer room, I got an ass-smack of a different kind. Thank God my reflexes are still sort of with me, but damn my slightly-larger-than-usual gigantic post-partum ass (that thanks to last night's radio show of which I will be discussing later this week I am very proud of) for not being able to avoid...

My Father-in-Law's Hand.

Yes. You read that correctly. Thankfully it was only a fingertip smack, but nonetheless, it landed on my ass. It caught me very off guard and I wasn't able to scoot out of the way, which was ever more troubling since I'm pretty good at reading cues -- sort of like a 6th sense for ass smacks.

But I missed this one. Or more like, I didn't miss it.

And so, apparently I need to change the sign on my ass to:

"If you touch my ass, I will kick yours"

(I sort of thought that was pretty obvious, but I forget that my FIL needs glasses).

Comments

[Paul]

Yesterday, I was at home and I was wearing my comfortable shorts, which are fairly baggy.

I was bending forward putting a DVD into the player when my little brother was laughing.

He then ran up behind me and started pulling at my pants saying - "You've got a big fat bum-bum, Paul!" in front of my sister and my school mate.

How embarrassing!!

[Gretta]

I rest my case. Hope everything is going good otherwise. Sending you an email.

[Cheryl]

I'm new to your site but ditto what everyone else said. That was the very first step to illegal stuff. Do not tolerate it at all.

[Kyla]

In HS, I too had a sign that said "Smack me!" and these girls? (yes GIRLS?) Used to always smack it as I walked by. I didn't really KNOW these girls. So one day I said "Hey, what's with the bum-smacking?" and they said "We dunno...it just looks smack-able." Weird, eh? But not offensive like your father-in-law trying it. Ewww.

[Mom101]

I am sitting across from my boss, supposedly working, and I read your first paragraph and bust out laughing.

Busted.

[TB]

Oh. Hell. No.

[wisconsin mommy]

Man, he just keeps sinking to new lows, doesn't he. Move, girlfriend, move.

[melissa]

Move! Move, move, move, move move, move, move! I wasn't on the bandwagon of giving a stranger advice so I juswt lurked on most the other posts about your living arrangements but this is just beyond ... beyond. It's not even funny, it's sick! MOVE! Move, move, move, move, move the hell out of there THIS WEEKEND.

[carrie]

Eeeew! The words "father-in-law" and "ass" just shouldn't be used in the same sentence. Unless of course, you are saying "my father-in-law is an ass!" Sending my condolences!

[Kelly]

Your husband's father should not be touching your bum. I think your husband should stake his claim, and tell his pop to cease and desist all ass-touching.

Saying that your FIL's touching of your bum is inappropriate is like saying the sun is really fucking hot. He should not touch you. Ever.

Bastard.

[Jenn]

um, ICK.

I barely get a shoulder tap/hug from my FIL when the visiting is over, and that's more than enough, but ass smacking? hoo boy...

[Erin]

GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gina]

My hubby and our friends are very ass-tastic. We like to joke, grab and smack.

But we'e not the in-laws! We're generation X'ers with potty mouths and moral decay in our veins.

He deserves to be smacked in the head. Did you discuss this with hubby and will you be making a scene?

[BFF]

Oh.
Lordy.

All I can think of is you HAVE to stay there.

This shit?

Funny, funny blog material.

And you ARE ass-smackable. If I recall, the new year's eve smack even came with a little grabola at the end...

[Alexandra]

What a classic!

[Monica]

I love your writing and your personality that shines through...

I do have a big question, why do you live with your in-laws??
why do you put up with all this nonsense??

There must be a cheap appt, you can manage to find and call your own and avoid all this embarassment.

you are such a talented person, I just don't understand why you put up with this situation.

if it's because your husband being in training far away, it's not like you can't survive that, I'm a Navy wife and have my husband deployed usually 6mos at a time. You get through it, and I too have a toddler and a newborn.

I'd rather struggle and fend for myself in a crappy place if that's all I can afford instead of putting up with all this.

[Monica]

I love your writing and your personality that shines through...

I do have a big question, why do you live with your in-laws??
why do you put up with all this nonsense??

There must be a cheap appt, you can manage to find and call your own and avoid all this embarassment.

you are such a talented person, I just don't understand why you put up with this situation.

if it's because your husband being in training far away, it's not like you can't survive that, I'm a Navy wife and have my husband deployed usually 6mos at a time. You get through it, and I too have a toddler and a newborn.

I'd rather struggle and fend for myself in a crappy place if that's all I can afford instead of putting up with all this.

[motherofbun]

Oh wow. (Slaps forehead.)

That makes me love my FIL even more. My MIL would do that before HE would.

[Tater and Tot]

Sorry for the double post. I guess I thought I was that funny.

[Deb]

Maybe he thought it was one of his coveted pots he was going to bang

[InterstellarLass]

Oh my. I think I'm really grossed out now.

[tracey]

I am speechless.

[Jennifer]

What on earth was that man doing???? As others have said, "ewwwww".

[Tater and Tot]

He does launder your bras.

[Tater and Tot]

He does launder your bras.

[Damselfly]

You must be ass-smackable. I just don't get that kind of attention. From the FIL, though, ugh....

[Kristina]

OK, that's wrong on so many levels - but - Details, woman!!!

[JenStar]

okay, I'll confess - I love slapping people's asses. I do it ALL THE TIME - especially drunk. But I do it only to people close to me who know I don't mean it in an odd or creepy way.

I would never slap my Father in Law on the butt and I hope he would afford me the same respect. Gross.

[PunditMom]

Call me -- I'll bring the paint to get started on that sign!

[Keek]

What the F?#$!! Is he the type of person who has bad behavior, and everyone ignores it because its "just him"...This is not OK. If he ever touches you again, I'd yell at the top of your lungs, so MIL can hear you question why he keeps touching you inappropriately. Then get out quick and sign a lease to your new apartment!!

[Andrea]

Just WHY is he even TRYING to smack your ass? Or do anything to your ass? Ugh. You have GOT to get out of that Perv Pad.

Are you telling The Huz? Did you smack FIL's Northern Cheek for his attempt to smack your Southern Cheek?

Eeeeewwwwww.

[Jen]

Oh yeah, I know you are not pregnant anymore, but I ran across this maternity shirt and loved it!
http://www.duematernity.com/cithnemat.html

[Jen]

Okay, enough is enough!!! You need to get the fuck out of that house and go FAR, FAR away. Never to return!!!!!
OR, next time he walks by, grab his junk and see what HE does. Okay, never mind on that one. Just threw up in my mouth a little! :(~

[Tiger]

If my FIL smacked my ass, I think my MIL would rejoice that he still had a little bit of spunk left in him.

I on the other hand, would probably slap him back. Except across the face.

That is SOOO WEIRD that your FIL did that!!! Was it on purpose? I can't imagine.... Yeah, I'm thinking you need move!!

I feel for you though.. Been living with my in laws for 7 months now. Finally moving out on Saturday. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

[Amy H]

If my FIL came anywhere near my ass he would be in big trouble. I would have smacked him on the spot.

[Joy]

blegh. BLEGH BLEGH BLEGH BLEGH.

I have nothing to say. But BLEGH.

[Maniacal]

But wait......WHY? I mean.....he did it on purpose? Did I ask this already? WHY!!!!!

Did you say anything? Or just pretended as if it didn't happen and kept walking. Will you be telling the hubz?

[CrankMama]

Ok, he IS a creep, but I'm now cognizant of your powerful charm so I don't blame him... Though ASS smacking nice wee pp ladies seems very crass.

Want me to send in the ninjas?

You are my new blog-crush.
Rachael

[FishyGirl]

Ewwwww, yuck. I'm afraid I couldn't have helped myself - he'dve needed meat tenderizer to put on his shiner. Hope the apartment shopping is going well.

[Redneck Mommy]

That's just wrong and creepy on so many levels. But then, I'm used to my FIL trying to shove 50 dollar bills down my bra. Seriously, it's like this combo of I-must-remind-him-of-a-stripper and his wanting to make sure I'm taken care of. Creepy.

Just last week I asked my male friend if I had the words "Easy Slut" tattooed on my forehead because I seem to be giving off that vibe to old men and drunk perverts.

So you have my sympathies.

[Blonde Chick]

Ditto to what everyone else said. You need to get out of that house.

A good smack on the face for him is well-deserved!

[Amy]

GROSS GROSS GROSS!!! There's a man that does NOT know limits... I'm almost tempted to say watch your daughter around him... that man has no boundries.

[Chase]

Holy crap! Hahhahaha!! Ok, if my boyfriend's dad ever smacked me on the ass, I'd DIE. That's wrong on so many levels. LMAO!

[Robina]

Good God almighty! A FIL ass smack? Now that's just gross.

[MetroDad]

I guess we can add "dirty old perv" to the list of FIL's outstanding personality traits? That is just weird and wrong on so many levels.

[motherbumper]

ewwwwww... I'd make that "I smell something bad" face and walk away (with my back against the wall). Ack, I just got a shiver thinking about that.

[Woman with Kids]

Oh now, that's wrong.

Perhaps you should smack his ass or a tweak his nipple? Turn about's fair play and all that.

Unless he'd like that.

[Karen Rani]

I sure hope your reaction was reciprocal - on his face. God.

[Christina]

Ewwww...that's just creepy.

Add that to the growing list of why you need to get out of there.

Ick.