Weirder Than Weird
Apparently I am embroiled in a competition to find out who is the weirdest of them all. I'm not sure this is something I want to win, but hell. I have no shame.
Just promise you won't run away screaming. (And for 16 other weird things about me, click here and here).
So, I give you Six Weird Things About Me: SEX EDITION
1. I once stuck a plastic red chopstick in the ass of my preschool friend. We were playing doctor. Enough said.
2. I once was chewing gum while providing oral pleasure and it got stuck in his pubic hair and he had to shave it off.
3. I dated a guy in college who I had believe that I could orgasm just by thinking about it. It was pretty funny. And it was the best orgasm I had while dating him.
4. I have only ever owned two pornos, both of which were really awful old Asian ones where the women weren't Asian, but rather scary white ladies with really bad black eyeliner and even worse fake accents. "Oh Baby. You Make-y Me Soooooooooo Hohn-eeeeeeee!"
5. I like nipples. Always have. Always will. Except when I'm nursing. Then you must stay away. Even during sex. Stay. Away.
6. I am writing a sex column that drops today.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
I tag: Mrs. Chicken, Her Sister, and Jason (Sex Edition is optional, of course)
*PSA: The Blog Exchange call for participants is up.
I can't believe you're a spitter.
Posted by: dutch | February 24, 2007 at 02:21 PM
the chopsticks one is only jarring because, um, seriously? I really don't want to see my child involved in his own pre-school porno, esp. if it were to, *cough*, entail a trip to the ER. jeeesus.
Posted by: lildb | February 21, 2007 at 05:47 PM
Number 3, oh my, haha!
Mominatrix column! Yay!
Posted by: Gretta | February 21, 2007 at 05:25 PM
Okay the gum thing? Oh my God.
Posted by: Mom101 | February 21, 2007 at 11:43 AM
I am so happy that I don't own any red chopsticks.... :P
off to read the sex column!
Posted by: Jenn | February 20, 2007 at 11:08 PM
I don't think I'll ever use a pair of chopsticks without first thinking of this post. And Asian porno doesn't even use Asian women? WFT???
Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | February 20, 2007 at 10:15 PM
The gum one is da best! LOL Wow how do you have time to write for ten million pieces a day with a baby and toddler! Amazing you are!! ANyway, Steve Madden shoes are great! My life is all about sneakers now..to keep up with the little one.
Posted by: mrsmogul | February 20, 2007 at 06:04 PM
To paraphrase the immortal words of Austin Powers, "Will your new blog make my randy, baby?"
Posted by: PunditMom/Joanne | February 20, 2007 at 05:10 PM
Chewing gum whilst pleasuring your partner? Way to multitask!
(Though as someone without the balls (heh heh) to go bare 'down there,' I think you've given me permanent nightmares of a wad of Bubbulicious stuck in my fuzz.)
Posted by: Kelly | February 20, 2007 at 04:07 PM
okey dokey, you got it! Thanks for the tag, I was planning to write about how whiny and resentful I feel today. Now folks will be spared ... until tomorrow!
PS - you are KILLING me with all these columns! How do you do it? Seriously, how?
Posted by: Mrs. Chicken | February 20, 2007 at 03:04 PM
Okay, FINE. You win. Chopsticks and chewing gum take it, hands (balls?) down.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | February 20, 2007 at 12:36 PM
#1 has me wondering if that person has had extensive therapy. I think I'd need it.
And #3 - I've had fun messing with the minds of the opposite sex, but that is just over the top. You win!!
Posted by: mothergoosemouse | February 20, 2007 at 12:36 PM
i once had someone leave gum in me. it was when i was young and stupid...um...and still had pubic hair...
Posted by: ali | February 20, 2007 at 12:34 PM
Just skipped over to your new column: awesome, awesome, awesome!
Posted by: melissa | February 20, 2007 at 12:20 PM
YOU WIN!
the chopsticks. and the gum. thanks for those images to pollute my day with. thanks!
oh. and i am completely with you on the nippled. they are officially out of commission until further notice.
Posted by: Joy | February 20, 2007 at 11:53 AM
Hmmm, a whole different side of you... OK, you're the weirdest. After reading the others, you definitely win.
Posted by: Kate | February 20, 2007 at 11:25 AM
Ummm, I think we have found finally found a place I can't go.
Here's an offical puss out:
1. I watched When Harry Met Sally and its orgasm scene with an 82 year old.
2. I endured the many sex scenes of Wild Orchid in a room full of guys.
3. I had a roommate who said she had to move out when an Adam and Eve catalog arrived with my name on it.
4. I lost my virginity and my car keys in a park as the sprinklers went off.
5. I had more than one breakfast ruined by the sight of feline sex out the window.
6. I have the uncanny knack for looking out the car window at the precise moment a bull mounts a cow or takes a dump.
Posted by: AmandaD | February 20, 2007 at 11:24 AM
HA HA HA! These are certainly bizarre. How gullible was that guy? Should have sold him some beach-front property in Nebraska while you were at it.
Posted by: InterstellarLass | February 20, 2007 at 10:41 AM
HA!
Yeah, I'm probably gonna have to go with "optional," Kristen. My PARENTS read my blog. Heh.
Plus, yeah, after your answers, I think you win. :)
Thanks for the tag. Now go enter the RD book review contest! ;)
Posted by: daddy in a strange land | February 20, 2007 at 09:46 AM
Haha! You may have just won the weird competition :) Just kidding!
Thanks for a good laugh!
Posted by: Alexandra | February 20, 2007 at 09:14 AM