Size Does Matter

My mother-in-law informed me the other day while she was watching me give Drew a bath that he's got a big penis.

"Wow. He's well endowed."

Great. Thanks. And p.s. why are you looking at my infant son's penis?

But then she continued on.

"Some girl will be real happy some day."

Huh? Seriously. Did you really just say that?

Now, aside from the automatic assumption that my son will be straight, it seems sort of interesting that big penis = happy girl. Well, and the fact that she was making this assumption about a baby.

A tiny 2 month old baby.

What ever happened to "oh what a cute chubby baby" for bathtime banter?

I know I'm not the only one to think the whole "motion of the ocean" thing is a bunch of bullshit. No matter how you wave a penis the size of the straw it's not going to do much but really annoy me.

Put that thing in a drink.

I know. I'm a terrible awful mean woman who is discriminating against men with small penises. Don't worry. I'll be going braless in about 4 years thanks to breastfeeding so I guess we'll be even.

But If I am a good mom and we are good parents, we'll help our son realize there's much more than his huge penis that will make a girl happy. You know, being kind, supportive, and polite. Treating her with respect, as an equal, as someone who deserves the best of everything. Believing in her, loving her, and allowing her to be her own self.

And giving her lots of foreplay and oral sex before his huge gigantic penis gets anywhere near her.

Comments

[Jess Goldfarb]

WEIRD. I can understand talking about an adult man's large penis and testicles, but not a baby's. My current bf has a huge penis, but I don't go around talking about it, for g-d's sake.

[Toni_Alex]

I like that my son can talk to me, his mother about his penis. He likes playing with himself. I taught him not to be ashamed. I allowed him to do it in front of me if he wanted. He did. It become boring for him after a while. I allowed him to be vulnerable as he wanted to be and now he has no problems asking and showing me anything about his penis. He has learned it simply isn't a big deal he has a penis. He and I see each other naked with no problems. He tells me everything I ask, and we discuss everything together.

[laura]

i had the same problem,my son at the age of 3 had an erection size of 8 inches. my MIL saw it when i changed him, and she couldn't stop talking about it at dinner.

[Julie W.]

What a wonderful website! I recently adopted a baby and am glad to have the internet as aresource this time around.

It's scary how similar your experience is to one I had with my son Evan and my M-I-L a many years ago. Fast forward: he's now 14 yrs old and aware of his apparently above average endowment. I respect his privacy and haven't seen him nude in a few years, but I overheard his friend teasing him about it. He's on his high school swim team and his size has supposedly become a topic of public conversation among his peer group. I never could have imagined this of all things would be something I deal with as a parent.

You are right about teaching young men about love and healthy relationships, but silly things like penis size unfortunately can shape men's self-image in a society (even teen girls' magazines!) that gives way too much attention to it.

[Jessica Verga]

Great site! As far as your MIL - she does seem a bit off, but penis size will be a taboo conversation piece forever... my baby boy got the same reaction from a nurse at the hospital, and my silly husband was proud as well. I certainly enjoy my husband being well-endowed, but even want to think about my baby like that!

[James Henderson]

My wife loves the fact that our son is also huge. Her girlfriend saw our 4 year olds penis and was like, "That thing is huge. He's bigger than my husband." Not bragging, but I'm 11" erect and my mom often comments that my son is on the same track as I. It runs in our family. The nurse always give me that evil smile and jealous look to my wife. I love it!

[Mike S]

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I thought that the MIL's comment was funny and intended to be a compliment.

Sounds like she says what she means, and has a sense of humor.

Why everyone thinks it's disgusting, I just don't know. We should lock up anyone who talks or thinks about sexuality ... call the thought police.

[Vaaik]

Don't sexualize children.. children and sex don't go together. Children have sexual body parts to use later in life, not to be stared at or measured when they're young.

And by the way, having a big penis is like having a big nose, a big head, big feet, big eyes, big ears, or big hands. Its nothing hugely special, or important, especially on a child.

[April]

Haha, I think you need to lighten up! A similar thing happened to me with my son - the nurse said that he had the biggest willy she had ever seen on a newborn, and it wouldn't even fit into the device used for taking urine samlpes. As for it not being indicative of adult size - well, he's sixteen now, and when I accidentally walked in on him in the shower, um, the phrase 'tube of cookie dough' came to mind...

[Kate]

This is a topic I'm actually worried about for my own son (yes, because I'm that shallow). Hubby is extremely well endowed, and I hate to admit I'd like it if my son followed in his (foot?)steps. But he's only 4 years old...how are we supposed to tell whether they are small, average, or above average at this age? If only I had a crazy MIL to give me guidance.

[trixie]

nice topic and double standard. imagine a guy saying, "wow, that baby of yours has lovely vagina lips. when she's older she'll have a very attractive snatch!

at best, he'd be labeled a pervert, at worst he'd have the authorities called on him.

[motherofbun]

And don't forget buying her dinner, remembering her birthday, anniversaries and "just because" types of stuff. And vaccuming,cooking,and cuddling.

Seriously tho? Wierd comment from his grandma. Hope that sort of crazy skips several, several generations!

[kindabiz]

ha ha ha haha ...

i m truly interested !

[bitsy parker]

Your MIL is the worst! What is she thinking? How did your husband turn out to be normal? My MIL often spouts bizarre things, and yesterday I realized that in response I had started humming loudly -- it's slightly less offensive that putting ones fingers in ones ears and singing.

[Audrey McClelland]

HOLY CRAP! That is hilarious!
I don't know what I would have said or done... !!
- Audrey
Check us out:
www.pinksandblues.com

[Kim]

ewwwww.

[Cheryl]

My sister and I had baby boys within a year of each other, and I am guilty of comparing packages. *Gulp.* It's so difficult to admit. Now, I don't want anybody else to EVER comment on my son's anatomy. I think I'd slap them with a big ol' Shame On You. Especially if it came from an in-law.

[Redneck Mommy]

I would have asked how she came about such knowledge...and perhaps asked if the FIL was sporting big meat.

After all, they say the apple doesn't roll too far from the tree...

Now I'm going to shower. Because I feel dirty....

[Jacquie]

OMG is she for REAL??? That is so wrong on so many levels where do you start??

[JailDiet]

what the hell is that all about--disgusting!

is she getting turned on by your son's dong?

[Suebob]

I think it is so, so creepy when people start to sexualize little kids so much. Eeeew.

[Jerri Ann]

What in the world? bah!

[Kelly]

I'm certain you'll do a smashing job showing your son just how important it is to be respectful and caring towards all the women in his life.

And man...your in-laws? I know some good medication that might take the edge off for them. You'd just have to find a way to crush it up and put it in their morning coffee.

[theotherbear]

Haha! That's a rather... erm.. unusual choice of conversation starter.

[BOSSY]

Bossy thinks it is the size that counts. The size of his sense of humor.

[Brandy]

New here, commenting, but have been reading you for a couple of weeks. Your In-Laws are even crazier than mine. Good Golly! Talking about a babies Penis? And she's not on drugs?

[FishyGirl]

Um, wow. And I thought it was weird when one of my OB's commented on the size of my son's package in utero as evidenced on an inadvertent sono pic.

Good for you for committing to teaching your son about the things that are most important in relating to his partner, whoever that may be.

[Selfmademom]

Just wait til he starts playin' with that large penis. That'll throw you and the MIL for a loop. Good times.

[Christina]

Oh my. So, so wrong.

And has no one told her that early size may not predict adult size? Or that the size "at rest" may not be any relation to the size "at attention"? I know of penises (penii?) that looked tiny but were quite large when erect, and others that looked large but didn't grow much when erect.

[FENICLE]

BTW - If my MIL had even said the first three letters of penis I would have hyperventilated!!!! Not a topic for us to discuss. EVER.

[FENICLE]

Too funny! My husband is jealous that our 4.5 yr old seems to be pretty well "endowed". As if he remembers his size at that age????

[Mom101]

I might have responded...

"or some guy really happy."

Watch the eyes bulge then.

[Damselfly]

Your MIL will probably teach him about that last part before you get a chance to ... ?

[Dana]

this post has me speechless -- because I don't know what exactly to say....

Your MIL -- she's a little nuts. I mean, I used to think my own mother was a little off, but this lady takes the cake....

by far...

[heather]

Ha ha! I laughed out loud there at the end. Nice.

[Amy Jo Momma]

Ha! My grandmother said the same thing about my son when he was a few months old. She qualified her statement by reminding me that she had seven sons, so she should know!

Also, I haven't had time to listen to your pod cast where you reveal the circumcision decision, but our friend (who is a pediatrician) says that uncircumcised boys tend to look larger when they're little because the foreskin weighs it down and makes it hang more.

[tracey]

There is just no way! I can't believe that every post about the in-laws can top the last. Really. I'm stunned.

[mothergoosemouse]

Wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.

But I think I got you beat on cruelty to penises (and male egos) - did you ever tell your current boyfriend that his penis is smaller than your ex's? In front of a group of people?

Yeah, I was pissed at him. But he deserved much worse.

[SuburbanOblivion]

Damn she reminds me of my husband. He is SO proud of our middle son, its all I can do not to remind him that it was obviously not genetics that came from his side of the family.

[Her Bad Mother]

Um, ew, weird.

And - is that the kind of thing that you can tell that early on? I mean, everything is small on a baby. And everything grows.

Is that a dumb question?

[Amy]

Nevermind the fact that Gramma should not be thinking that way about her grandson...at least not outloud ffs.

[Eliza]

Wow, I can't believe she said that. Can't wait to see what you write next.

[Amy H]

your mother-in-law and my MIL must be related.

what is wrong with them? why WHY can't they just be normal?

[Lainey-Paney]

Ummm...the sonographer said "Wow" when she saw DS's penis on the sonogram before he was born. She said it was quite "large" for his gestational age. Hubby was so proud. She took a pic & printed it for my hubby. It was on the fridge for over a year.

Boys...

[mamatulip]

I will never, ever forget the first time a nurse at the hospital saw Oliver's jewels. She opened his diaper and exclaimed, "Wow! Look at the size of that swanger!"

Dave's chest puffed with pride; I couldn't tell whether I should feel flattered or a little gross.

The worst, though, was when Dave's grandfather caught a glimpse of it. His eyes lit up and he turned to Dave and said, "Are you big too?"

[Amanda]

I love your blog, if for no other reason than that your in laws bring me much entertainment. And make my family seem normal-ish.

[Smiling Mom]

So, do your in-laws actually read this blog??

My, very prudish, MIL asked me if I was going to get an episiotomy when I gave birth. I said that I hoped not. To which she replied, "You know, they can put a few extra stitches in to tighten everything up. It's better for sex that way!"... silent pause, silent pause....Then the door bell rang.

I no longer have doubts. God is does exist!! and he bailed me out of a very uncomfortable moment.

[Shannom]

ew..just, ew. Would have been awesome if you had turned to her and deadpanned "and are YOU a happy girl" and watch her squirm.
Dude, WTF!

[tammie]

Okay, how can I not share another MIL story after this one: Last year when my MIL (of "I believe in Revolution fame) was visiting we were having a very minor conversation about raising kids. I made the comment that it was tough to keep my kids' interests and attitudes at their age level due to outside influences like older kids on the school bus, TV, etc. My MIL immediately says "Wait until they get their first blow job." !!!! I swear to God, the room spun. I was too stunned to speak and suddenly found an urgent matter to be dealt with in the next room. My kids were 7 and 4 at the time! The woman's lack of taste never ceases to amaze me.

[Wendy]

Yeah, I agree with the others on this one. That is gross.

Can we keep the sexual talk for later in life?

My skin is crawling. Although, I dont know which is worse the "sexy" talk to the babies or me calling my son cracker boy in the middle of the grocery store. I guess you should know that I live in the Deep South and there were many strange looks. Hey!! He likes crackers, okay.

[Evilynmo]

Hilarious!! Train him well Mominatrix! =)

p.s. grody grody MIL, really who talks about an infant's sexual prowess??!!

[Mrs. Chicken]

Dude, what a buncha perverts you got there! Get out soon.

[Groovy Lady]

LOL.. I think your MIL is funny. Sounds like she is going to be one of those kinds of grandmothers that will say and do about anything.

She may cause you some "WTF?" while he is young, lol.. but when your son gets older he will probably think she is one of the coolest people in the world. I had a cool grandmother like that.. your son is a lucky kid.

[Woman with Kids]

Right after Boy 1 was born, he was a little 'engorged' from hormones, etc. His dad was practically patting himself on the back until the dr. explained it was a bit swollen, and wouldn't stay that large.

[MsPrufrock]

It's not quite as bad, but I often hear people refer to their infants as "sexy". Just the other day a woman I know cuddled her 7 month old and said, "Who's my sexy boy?" Ew.

[Heather]

Along with family members keeping penis comments out of conversations, let's keep out comments of how they'll be "feeling up" a girl one day. Ugh! this is my 5 year old, thank you!

[Jennifer]

Your MIL posts never fail to render me speechless.

Unbelievable.

[DD]

So is *your* MIL a happy woman or not?

Yep. There's a visual to replace the one of your MIL admiring your son's penis.

[Tiffany]

Wow! I must be a hell of a prude, because I spend as little time gazing upon my son's whizzer as possible. I don't even want to think about him putting that thing anywhere near a chick (or whoever) until he's 40 and hasn't given me any grandchildren.

[the new girl]

Dude.
FIL grabbing asses.
MIL talking bebe penises.

What in the HELL is going on over there?!

*purses lips*
hhhrrrrmmmmm....

[cce]

And then you could have him read my post on vaginal rejuvenation, http://www.madmarriage.com/blog/2007/03/12/doctor-please-supersize-my/ to remind baby boy that no matter how good he is in bed and how large his male member is, he'll still need to take out the trash and prepare a meal or two in order to completely "satisfy" his mate.

[Lil' Viking]

Okay, I think my eyes bulged on that one! I'm with you - let's not have penis talk about our sons with our MIL - simply scary. My 11 week old's penis is mine and husband's business!