No Soap Required

I urge bloglines, etc. readers to continue on to the bottom.

Dear Liz, Tammie, & Christina:

Soon you will be holding your little offspring in your arms. Amidst the blurry eyes, sore boobs, and mesh disposable underpants, there will be baby gifts, homemade meals, and diapers. Lots of diapers. Just make sure you have enough to get you through at least the first week. No one wants to be running to the store at 3am for more diapers, especially for the two of you with two kids.

You'll be in that weird baby place where day and night are separate only by the color of the sky. And your sleep will be fleeting and light. So make sure you put the baby down and get him/her on a regular schedule. Eat, play, sleep. Repeat. It's important to put the baby down at least once a day for a nap so that s/he doesn't get spoiled. No one likes a spoiled little baby who wants to be held all the time.

Just think of all the exciting adventures ahead of you with a child that you will have sustained from your bosom. I mean, you are going to breastfeed, right? Because we all know breastmilk is God's milk. It hurts and it's frustrating, but what's motherhood without the sacrifice. You want your baby to grow up smart and well nourished.

As your baby grows older, the milestones just pile on top of each other. You won't even remember the few days before -- partially because you're so fucking tired, but also because they grow so fast. So make sure to take lots of pictures and video. And make sure to send them to your relatives so they can keep up as well. And the baby book. I know it's difficult to keep up with but you know what, motherhood isn't easy and sometimes you just have to do things you don't like for the sake of your kids. They'll thank you later when you can tell them exactly when they rolled over.

And finally, just enjoy the fact that you and your partner have created another special wonderful life -- to populate this already crowded world. More mouths to feed, more damage to the ozone, and more reason to celebrate with a fantastic baby shower in your honor.

Love,

Motherhood Uncensored (Assvice Doesn't Come Cheap These Days)

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You're all invited to the best virtual baby shower ever, chock full of assvice posts, games (fun ones, with pictures of bellies, weird shit, and babies CUTE babies), prizes (seriously, kickass prizes), and a chance to give a little gift to these ladies that fill our computer screens with lots of laughter each and every day. So, why are you still here? GO, write an ass/advice post of your own, and spread the linky love!

Comments

[Her Bad Mother]

You are one of the very, very few who can make me snort and tear up all at the same time.

[Lisa]

lol ok, i feel like such an ass now, sorry!

[Mom101]

Lisa - I can only assure you that there is a bit of scarcasm in that statement culled from the past year of snarking on people who are strong in their views on this. Sometimes "inside jokes" come across less than intended in public forums like this.

[Lisa]

I've read a couple of your posts, and I really enjoy your blog, but I'm surprised that you've made such a bold statement about breastfeeding. Granted I don't know your views on alot of things, but given what I've read so far, I just didn't expect to read that...

but anyway, i think you've made a very thoughtful post and that baby shower sounds great!

[Christina]

And I was just getting ready to write a post about how crappy this morning was going. Now I can't channel that negativity anymore, because I'm crying, smiling and laughing at the same time. So very mu

Thank you.

And hey, you forgot this tidbit of assvice: just because you have a new baby doesn't mean you shouldn't still "clean up after yourselfs". ;)

[Mom101]

This is a cruel, cruel thing to do to a hormonal pregnant woman. However the makers of Kleenex (tm) brand tissues thank you.

[Kendra]

Ahh! I remember those days where it felt like nothing would ever seem normal again. At least this time I am prepared for the sleepless nights, sore boobs, and crying fits where nothing I do helps. I am hoping the second time around will be a bit smoother! Here's to hoping