Dirty Rotten Playmates

All is fine and well with the little rosy bubble you have created for your child until you let her go play with other kids. And pop. In come illnesses, fevers, and my favorite of all, bratty little children who set incredibly awful examples for your own pristinely behaved angel.

Right. I know. Let me bask in my delusions for just one moment.

Now look. I know kids will be kids and toddlers will be toddlers. We've all heard those excuses every single time some kid swats our kid on the head at the playground. "Oh kids!" *sigh* [cue forced smile] I say, grabbing my daughter and running to the other slide -- where the nice sweet children with roses flying out of their asses play.

But guess what? When your wild rambunctious dog is cuter and more well-behaved than your kids, then there is just something terribly wrong. And I don't want to be the person watching your kid swat my kid for the 15th time while you choose not to do anything but say "don't do that."

Great. Hugely effective parenting techniques there.

My daughter's little sort-of-friend (and thankfully not related to a prior-existing friend of mine) is a large brutish girl who, while friendly and jovial at times, has utter and total disregard for anything her mother says. Generally, after the amusement my daughter experiences by being pushed around on every single bike, car, wagon, and wheeled object wears off, it takes all of 12 minutes her to decide it's time to go home.

Let's face it. Once you get every toy ripped out of your hands, barrel-assed up and down the swing set, and knocked over just a few times too many, you'd much rather listen to your grandparents argue about what kind of christening cake they should buy half of for their grandson's christening.

Hey. Even I would choose that over the rowdy kid.

The best part, as you probably guessed, is that I'm the one who has to say something like "Let's all share" or "Quinlan was playing with that" or "We don't push or hit." Simply obvious things that even the most anti-parent would probably come up with on his/her own. Granted her mom does say something -- idle threats of time out or "Give her back the toy" -- but alas, that's about it.

So, instead of me reminding her to say "please," and "ps don't hit my kid or I'll pull your hair," I sort of avoid having to play with her. It's more work than fun -- for both of us.

And while I can hear the echoes of "she'll have to learn sometime" and "life isn't easy" comments from all sorts of parents but really isn't it the parents that have bratty little kids who don't behave that say that crap?

So what do you do?

a) Say something

b) Roll your eyes and hover over your child

c) Write a blog post and realize that being an incredibly judgmental sanctimommy can be oddly satisfying at times.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

So, my solution? If you choose not to follow through with anything you say, let your kids throw forks across the room, and let them eat jello without touching one bit of their lunch after you've repeatedly told them they need to eat it to get the jello, then please for the sake of the rest of us who actually are trying to parent our kids, don't let your kid out of the house.

Ah. Being judgy never felt so good.

--

Check out my first ever Real Mom Truths Mother's Day Contest. The prizes -- a 4G iPod Nano and linkage on True Mom Confessions.

Comments

[parisiennefarmgirl]

So funny - just found your blog. Loved your words about "following through" - it takes a lot of energy but it's worth it.
I don't do the whole "play date" thing. I am more old fashioned - I would settle for coffee with a girlfriend and if the kids play together so be it - but if the friends kids were bratty I would avoid interaction. On the other hand I am pretty vocal about kids and their behavior - it seems like my friends kind of get the drill. Yikes, I am so opinionated- but we've got to protect our sanity ya know?

[moo]

I dunno.

I've been on this side of the park bench a fair bit, getting annoyed when my kid is elbowed or what have you with nary a word from the other parent. It's awkward, and I usually opt to avoid--we move to another area, leave the situation, turn down invitations. The upside of this is that my kids have learned that they don't have to play with kids who aren't playing nice. When they MUST play, they know they must play nicely even if others are not. But I felt pretty good the day my four-year-old said "no, thanks!" when an aggressive kid's mom asked him if he'd like to come over for a playdate.

BUT I've also been on the other side of the park bench, looking up from my newspaper to realize that my kid is being bossy or that my kid is "shooting" someone with a stick, and that the mom beside me is frothing at the mouth. In those situations, too, I tend to avoid, mostly because I can never quite tell what's happened (is my kid being mean to yours? or are they both having fun being mean to each other???). My kids are old enough (and generally well-behaved enough) that it would be weird and inappropriate for me to have my eyes on them constantly. Sometimes that means that I miss it when they get a boo-boo. Sometimes it means that I miss it when they commit some social mishap.

I think most of us out here are pretty well-intentioned.

[little giraffe]

Oh, this one hits too close to home. being judgemental is a great first step. and hovering... yeah, that's what I'm usually left with at the end of the day. as always, thanks for your brutal honesty.

[Ruth Dynamite]

Love the idea of True Mom Confessions!

[Heather]

Again, I feel so lucky that I don't have that problem with my playgroupies. I know I've had to leave a play date because my youngest pushed a kid down and refused to apologize...so I took his butt home in the middle of the date.

I also understand mpj's point of view because my older son is much like hers. I've gotten the looks too but if they can't see that I'm TRYING to deal with his behavior and I am dragging him away from Chick Fil A kicking & screaming because he's out of control and not know I'm doing my best to work with him, then screw them.

But I know Kristin isn't talking about me and mine but about those parents that don't even try. I'm thankful I've had very little experience with those types of parents on play dates.

Whhhhhhheeeeeee!

[Sandra]

Love it when you get judgemental :) I have so missed your words!

One of my best friends lets her kids run wild. They beat up my son, hold his head under the water at swimming and are just mean. They are that way to everyone's kids. I had to stop having playdates but my son was more important to me

[Jen M]

I cannot STAND it when a parent doesn't follow through like that. It gets my snarky side up, too -- love it when you're feeling judgy...

[Kristen]

MPJ~

Clearly your child's behavior has NOTHING to do with bad parenting. As someone who's worked with kids with autism for many years, I can tell the difference.

So join me in judging parents whose kids are just bad because they are bad parents.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEE! :)

[mpj]

Whew, I don't know. I enjoy the blog -- it's fun. But this was hard for me to read.

On the one hand, both of my kids are shy and neither is aggressive, so they are generally the ones being hurt (or losing a toy or a turn). And I know how frustrated and angry I can feel about it.

But on the other hand, I get the "shouldn't you be doing more, you bad lazy mom" look on a regular basis -- and it sucks.

I have a son with high functioning autism who can appear to be just a tantrumy, bratty, spoiled kid. Social situations and new people make him anxious and rigid, they make him scream and insist on having things his way. He won't say hi or bye or please or thank you or sorry -- and if you insist, he'll scream things like, "No! I don't want to! I don't like you! I want you to go away!" Insist more and he'll go into a full-blown tantrum.

I know we work on these things every single day. I know that where he is (he can talk! he can express his wants and needs!) represents a lot of progress and a lot of time and money and energy invested in therapy and behavior modification. He's now just close enough and far enough from the norm to make me look like a really lax mom. I can't help but think of the "why don't you do something about your kid" looks I get when my son does start to scream in public and the weak smiles I give back and think that the mom you're all thinking of could well be me.

There I am, a big downer on all the judgy fun. Oh, forget it. Those other moms are really bad moms and I'm the only good one. ;)

[Natalie]

Sometimes I think I am that parent. Then I read a post like this and realize that I am only 50% there, and my child is very well behaved with other children despite this fact. That's when I realize HE is a better person than me and I am incredibly happy about that. Now I'm going to make a mental note to myself to be more consistent, really mean 'no' more often, and let him be a little hungry if he won't eat what's put in front of him (despite husband sabotage of these things). Thanks for slapping some much needed sense into me!

[jaelithe]

This sort of thing really worries me when I think about sending my son off to pre-school when he gets a little older.

The little boy next door (who is a nice boy a lot of the time) will sometimes call my son names for no reason, and my son doesn't even realize what is going on. He's so unused to people being mean (well, other than me when I'm having a bad day, that is) that he doesn't even get it sometimes when they are. When another kid shoves or hits my son, he just stands there looking bewildered.

I have never seen my son hit another child, or take a toy away from another child. When other kids come to our house, he always shares his toys freely.

The few times he's seen other kids fight, he's always tried to stop them by stepping in between them.

He's going to get the kindness beat out of him in school, isn't he?

[JenniferW]

*Sighs* I was just having this conversation with my sister, who really does work hard to have children with manners. It came up because I LIVE with the mannerless children in another family member's house. No escape for my child not to learn their bad behaviors. Thank goodness my son is only 1 right now!

Oh, and my cousin, she thinks it's amusing that her kids don't like when I 'get on them all the time' about their inappropriate behaviors. Parenting is WORK and it's always the ones who don't bother to parent who have the kids no one likes. OMG...I could go on and on about this. I'm a hovering, manner teaching parent and proud of it!!!!

[Kristen]

ARKIE --

HAHA on the rabies certificate.

[Amy]

The worst is when you see a child acting inappropriately, and wonder what in the h*** makes the parent ALLOW that, and come to find that it's because the kid is a friggin CARBON COPY of said parent. There's a boy at my son's JK/SK class that is absolutely horrid; short attention span, runs off the school grounds and the teacher has to chase him (these kids are 4-6yrs, and I think he's 4 turning 5, weighs probably 65-70 lbs and can outrun a TEACHER, giggling the whole time), and pushes past the kids whenever he feels like it (he knows how to use his weight). His mom? The same...completely zoned out, baby talks him completely - sickening, walks past/through you etc. Awful way to have to teach your kid; "Don't do what soandso is doing, that's wrong." I can't count how many times my ds has come home and said "Soandso was BAD today!"

[Arkie Mama]

So glad you posted this.

My kids are in day care, and I have learned in the past few years that not only is it possible to dislike parents that -- oh, the shame, shame, shame -- it is equally possible to dislike (intensely) their offspring.

Which makes me feel terribly guilty, but no less tempted to hang a muzzle on one boy's coat hook, or to leave a note for the "my-boy-is-bigger (and brattier)-than-yours- dad requesting that he please intervene the next time his future-mean-jock son decides to whack my 2-year-old over the head with a pot, shoe or any other handy object.

I get toddler behavior.

What I don't get is the (lack of) reaction of parents of preschoolers who still smile benignly at their children even as you're requesting that said parents please provide you with a copy of their child's rabies certificate.

[Cathy]

So glad you posted this.

My kids are in day care, and I have learned in the past few years that not only is it possible to dislike parents that -- oh, the shame, shame, shame -- it is equally possible to dislike (intensely) their offspring.

Which makes me feel terribly guilty, but no less tempted to hang a muzzle on one boy's coat hook, or to leave a note for the "my-boy-is-bigger (and brattier)-than-yours- dad requesting that he please intervene the next time his future-mean-jock son decides to whack my 2-year-old over the head with a pot, shoe or any other handy object.

I get toddler behavior.

What I don't get is the (lack of) reaction of parents of preschoolers who still smile benignly at their children even as you're requesting that said parents please provide you with a copy of their child's rabies certificate.

[maresi]

ugh- the "park-bench mommies"!! my kid is three and I know he will act that way, but how's he going to learn what behavior won't be acceptable when he's 13 or 23 if I don't tell him, right after he messes up? seems logical to me. And I don't think you're judgemental, just observant. I vote for A and B, maybe scaling down from "hover" to "pay attention". If the mother can't take another adult gently guiding her child into making a better behavior choice, then that's her problem.

[Dawn]

again, I feel we must be twins. And if'n you get the chance, come on over to my blog for my take on the mom guilt thing :)

[Wisconsin Mommy]

This is what I least like about places like Pump It Up and Chuck E Cheese. I usually wind up speaking to the other child since Little J has not yet started sticking up for himself.

[jen]

This? This is a large part of why we homeschool. One gets tired of parenting other people's kids after a while. And it's a hell of a lot easier to teach good habits and manners from a young age than to fix them later :|

[melissa]

this is really funny in light of the post that preceeded it! :-)

[Fabgirl]

Ugh. I really hate playground drama. I'm such an avoider that I'd probably arrange to just not see them again. And probably teach my kids to announce that IT'S NOT NICE TO HIT/SHOVE/BITE right when they are in the vicinity of Brat Kid's mom.

[Christina]

And this is why I'm terrified of leaving my daughter at any daycare or preschool. Because I know there are parents out there who haven't bothered to parent their kids, and as a result my child will be picking up bad habits from these kids.

In situations where I have control over this, I choose who she plays with at the moment. Yes, when she's older I won't be able to do this, but for now I'd rather not introduce a ton of bad habits.

Besides, she's not perfect, either - I have plenty of her bad habits to work on to make sure she's not teaching the wrong thing to other kids.

[Dana]

I have yet to experience this, but I don't know what I'll do when that day comes.

It's amazing how some parents don't actually parent....

[nyjlm]

I would also avoid this mother/child duo. In the event that you run into them at the playground unexpectedly you might want to teach Quinlan some phrases to use on this child- don't push me. I'm using that. I don't like when you do that.

This mother probably still wouldn't 'get it' if you hit her over the head with a 2x4, but... you could suggest "why don't we stay closer to the girls, so and so is overpowering Q and I need to keep her body safe." I've also been stern with kids whose mothers are in la-la land.

good luck!

[Kelly]

I'm so with Fairly Odd Mother. I have a few friends that we organize playdates with, and luckily, their children are fairly calm and well-behaved. (As are my precious angels, heh.) If it were otherwise, I'd never bring my kids over. It's not worth the stress and is entirely unenjoyable, if you have to continuously watch your child getting throttled and the other child not being stopped.

[fairly odd mother]

I've seen two responses that drive me crazy---first is when the parent slaps the kid for hitting and says, "don't hit!"; the second is when the parent yells, "come over here right now!" and then doesn't move one inch when the kid ignores her. Park-bench mommies don't get off their asses to watch their kids.

My son is 2 1/2 and he can be very 'grabby' of toys. He will hit too. So, I have to stay near him all the time. I probably look like a strange hover craft, but at least I can remove him from situations if they get heated.

And, with your friend.. .unfortunately, I end up avoiding people if I can't stand their kids. It's not worth the stress.

[nanabeth]

Oooh boy, you brought back some horrible memories for me. You could have been talking about my sisters brats, er,I mean kids. No one in the family ever wanted to invite them anywhere. Unfortunately for the rest of us that type of parent is clueless.

[wyliekat]

There is absolutely no good way to tell someone that their mothering techniques could use a little brushing up (especially with the follow through). That's one of the great truths of parenthood - everybody tells you how to do it, but no one can tell you you're bad at it.

So, I'd probably go with b, with a minor leaning toward c. Unless you want to end the playdates in a blaze of glory, in which case you should give her some parenting tips - like you would golf advice, you know?

;-}

[Vicky]

I hate being "Mean Mommy" but I'm an environmentalist right? So I'm doing my part by not raising a screaming brat. Put it in the category of anti-noise pollution.

[Cori]

Amen Sistah! You rock.