My Daughter is Kicking My Ass

I'm barely smarter than an almost three-year-old let alone a 5th grader. My daughter has become a force to be reckoned with. Send her in to do peace negotiations, Mr. President, because she'll have everyone nodding in agreement for candy on the potty, dessert with no dinner, and Backyardigans all day long.

I should have known that something was up when she slept until 9am for the last few days. She'd wake up chattering non-stop, catching me fully off guard and duping me into allowing her to sample my lip gloss as mirror paint.

"But look at my beauuuuuutiful decorations mommy" she said, complete with a hand and arm flourish.

This is what happens with your smart child nears three and you have a baby that takes up a ton of your time and attention.

The lovely little girl we used to be able to leave alone to play with her dollhouse has now been found cutting Slut-barbie's hair and giving little passing kicks to the pain in the ass cats as they walk by (I can't really fault her on those). She can talk her way out of anything we ask her to do, she often totally ignores us when we talk to her, and her negotiation skills are unmatched.

When told that she could not bring home a toy from K-mart because she already had enough toys, she responded "You can give my toys back to the other children and then I can bring this one home." Then when told that she could buy the toy with her own money if she behaved herself she replied "I don't want to use my money, mommy. I want to use your money."

The woman behind me even commented "Oh. She's good."

Her cuteness is now accessorized with red horns and a pointy tail.

Our situation is not ideal -- my desire to be the one keeping order and maintaining some type of schedule has gone to the wayside thanks to a baby who prefers the sling and bouncy ball for his naps. Her non-stop and often repetitive chatter, mainly to make sure I've heard about her desire to wear every single shirt in my closet to her "beautimous ball" can be dizzying at times. My tone moves way more quickly to firm and stern than I ever thought. And I've been on the verge of losing my temper with her, grabbing her a bit sharply from her dinner seat to take her to time out.

I'm torn between her utter cuteness and hilarious commentary, and her often blatant testing of my parental authority. I find myself laughing and crying at the same time. And I feel terribly guilty for not being able to remain as consistent and loving as I know that I'm supposed to be.

It's not pretty.

I was the good parent. I am the good parent. I am A good parent, damnit.

And she's a good kid.

But what is good anyway? I mean, I've decided that the "good" label has done nothing but make it harder to adjust to how she is now -- which certainly isn't bad, but compared to how she was before, it's not so good either. I realize that I've already created a picture of who my daughter is in my head, when really, she's still a painting in progress, creating her own masterpiece that is her own beautiful self by experiencing the world in all her newly wild ways. Her journey for her own goodness has only just begun. And I'm here to guide her, mentor her, and let her paint.

So it is good. It is healthy. And it will pass.

But will someone please come over and tell me that after she has just dumped over the dog food bowl, arranged all my MIL's 147 knick knacks in a row across the living room floor, and peed on the flowers outside because "they needed to be watered from my bum-bum."

Thanks in advance.

Comments

[Lisa]

oh it gets worse, so much worse when they're 4 and then by the time she's 5, she'll have a 2 year old accomplice. Good luck!

[tanyetta]

i have a 2 1/2 year old. and from what the new girl just posted, i'm afraid. very afraid :)

[Jess]

Oh. My. God. Me too. I want to throw her out the window, much of the time. I've heard 4 is worse. As soon as she turns four, my son will turn three. Can they both be horrid, at the same time?
I now get moms on drugs.

[Kara]

Sounds like my daughter! And now I am just waiting for the little guy - 17 months to catch on. How much more baby time do I have with him until he can outsmart me.

[Sharon]

Oh crap. My daughter is almost two and is functioning at a three-year-old level in terms of language skills. And she has the "I am deaf. I can't hear you so I won't turn my head toward you" act down. And she'll be two next month. I am already tired. So, smart and funny she is...and patient, I am not (at least not as often as I'd like). Kristin, that was a hilarious post, but you have scared the hell out of me. :)

[Melissa]

Hilarious child!
Enjoy, you will miss this at the teenage years.

[Jas]

they needed to be watered from my bum-bum

Oh that's gold I tell you! LOL

[Lisa]

She sounds just like my almost 4 year old! The fun. it never ends.

[BOSSY]

She's got Utter Cuteness and your other kid has Udder Cuteness. This too will pass.

[Jaime]

Ahh, 3. I love 3. I hated 2 and 2 1/2. Grace is getting smarter, funnier, more manipulative every single day. But my secret......so am I!!!!!!

[samalee]

Oh yeah.
Gozer the Destructor lives here! Hiding in the downstairs closet eating a giant can of frosting with her hands...shredding everything in sight and insisting it wasn't her...But you didn't SEE me do it Mom. (Mom??? who is mom? I am MOMMY dammit!) Pinching and clawing her older brother who is a wonderful tattler in training...Arrrghhhh. But *sigh* she's wonderful and smart and ours.

[Amy]

Been there, dealt with that, twice.

[Kelly]

Commenting to second everyone who said 3 is worse than 2. My precious little Hannah, I thought my superior parenting had turned out such a delightful little girl, when reality came to smack me in the face.

Three is a demon year. There's some good, yes, some awesome things for sure. But shit, my angel who never had tantrums was gone, replaced by a screaming banshee who suddenly needed all this discipline.

[mel]

Three was so much worse than two....in both of my kids. Three sucked, actually. Um, I mean...Hang in there!

[Cakehead]

Oh yeah, it get's even better. Your daughter bears a striking resemblance to my son. Except for the whole, she's a girl and he's a boy thing. Have fun! I'd love to gush on how well I handled it all, but, ummm... I cannot tell a lie.

[Arkie Mama]

I wish I could offer some hope or consolation, but --

-- just wait 'til 4. That's when they start...

Rolling.

Their.

Eyes.

Oh, and sighing. Long, impatient sighs. Like you're the most tiresome old creature they've ever encountered.

[mothergoosemouse]

The chatter and the negotiations - I hate to tell you, but those get even more persistent.

Perhaps I should be thankful that CJ doesn't talk. At least I can tune out the crying.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Well, maybe the flowers DID need to be watered from her bum bum. Maybe she knows something about horticulture that we don't.

You are a good mom, I hear three (and almost three) year olds are horribly clever and independent. And at times just horrible.

[Jane]

hi, I've never posted a comment here before...but after reading this post, (I read yours quite often) I saw me a little bit. I have a 4 year old girl and an 18 month old boy. When he was a needy baby I got the same stuff from her. But she had only changed a little. My hormones had changed A LOT. Add some more calcium supplements to your diet and I Promise you will notice a difference. (I sound a little wacky with the supplement thing, but honest, it does help.)

[lildb]

I know I shouldn't, but really - all I can do is giggle over the watering of the flowers with her pee.

It's hilarious.

(And you are a good mom, K. You are. You know this.)

[Suburban Oblivion]

2 I can deal with, 3 should come with a Schnapps bottle buried in the cake. For him or me, either way.

[Heather]

I just wrote about this yesterday. I was at the end of my rope. Today? Still hanging there reminding myself that she is a work in progress and she's still trying to figure out her role in the world. Not a fun process for me. I need a drink. Wanna come over?
Heather
http://runningfromthelittlepeople.blogspot.com/

[FishyGirl]

I call 3 the Age of Destruction. Two is nothing. Nothing. Three is horrible, but they are amazingly cute. Thankfully, they outgrow it. I have an upcoming post on this very thing, sometime later this week. Hang in there - it does't last forever (though it does seem like it when you've got another one to deal with at the same time - or three).

[Erika]

Sounds just like my Max. At 4, he is now a little lawyer (i.e. "you said maybe later and it is now later"). Sometimes it is funny, but mostly he is just challenging me in a more sophisticated way than he could when he was two. The good news is, he also responds better to stern mommy voice and generally follows directions. Way fewer time outs, much less loud mommy, and much happier everyone. It will get better. :)

[Emily]

Long-time lurker coming out to say that I totally feel your pain. My daughter just turned 4 and I am still recovering from dealing with her 3 yr old ways. I have to say, that about a month before she turned 4, one morning at about 7:30am, I already found myself raising my voice in abundance, and totally broke down. I sat down on the kitchen floor and cried. I took a few minutes to let it out (mostly due to disappointment in myself, feeling like that sucks!!), and then pulled it together. Ever since then, there has been a huge turnaround in both of us. I think her seeing that mommy has feelings too (other than anger) helped, as well as my realizing that I was doing the best that I could and just needed to be more patient with her and myself.
On another note, I am currently living with my crazy in-laws as well, while pregnant with my 3rd, and I totally empathize with all of your stories. There was a particularly horrifying incident this weekend, that I know you would totally appreciate, but I am slightly paranoid about detailing it online. But what I really wanted to say here is that I really appreciate your being so candid, it's so relieving to know I'm not the only one in this boat!

[TB]

What's the stage where they DON'T kick your ass? I'm looking forward to that one :o)

[Binkytown]

I had to bribe my son with m&ms to allow me to change his diaper and when I said I would give him four for cooperating he replied "I want ALOT. In my hand." No uncertain terms, no waivering. Jeez. I know so many adults that can't do that..

[Kelly]

My oldest turns 3 in Aug (though he was early so he's a bit behind in some aspects) and he's just as defiant and determined and exasperating as, it sounds like, most kids his age are. He drives me absolutely nuts and I'm ashamed of the amount of raised-voicedness that goes on in his direction (and the baby's teething so yay!). I'm not looking forward to him getting "worse" but it's nice knowing about it in advance so I can pretend to be prepared for it. I think my new mantra, when someone asks me how he's doing (or I ask myself), will be "Well, he's still alive!"

[dana]

This sounds so much like Dawson. He's deliberately defiant it seems. I know he's trying to be assertive and have a little control over himself, instead of Mommy and Daddy always telling him what to do. But right now, he's become bossy and demanding and very sneaky about getting his way.

He wanted juice, I told him to wait until dinner because it was only a few minutes away. He just looked at me and then went to the fridge and got it himself. I was stunned!

[VenturaMom]

On the verge of 3 is waaaaay worse than the not-so-terrible 2s. It's non-stop boundary testing and chatter. Mine is in the waning 3s, coming up on 4. But for about 2 months before and 2 months after her 3rd birthday, it was not good. Sorry.

[Susan Getgood]

My son is now 7, but as I recall, the 3s were far worse that the so-called terrible twos. I've come to the conclusion that terrible twos is just another one of the big lies of motherhood, which starts with the whole 9 months thing. You don't really absorb that is a COMPLETE 9 months (ie 10 months) until it is too late
:-) It does eventually get better though, and by 4 they are almost human.

[Heather]

yes 2 has nothing on the age of 3. Woo. hoo. Glad that is behind me.

She sounds VERY smart. and funny like her mom! Love her theory of organic gardening. hehe!

I'm totally with you on the non-judgment of "good". What is good? Because even when it looks bad, it usually turns out to be good.

[mom blog]

Mine will be 3 at the end of June and I'm afraid I'm going through the exact same thing. I guess all of us with those about to turn 3 need to start a support group for sure ;) Luckily, I've been through it before and know it does pass...in about ANOTHER year!

[Dawn]

I'm SO with you on this - my daughter has been driving me to drink, and I CAN'T DRINK. IT sucks.

[VirtualSprite]

I am so with you. Goober will be three on Sunday and for the past year or so he has been Satan incarnate.

"This too shall pass" has become my mantra. Not that I believe it, but it makes me feel better.

[Mom101]

She is a good kid. The tough part is, she's a good 3 year old. Not a good 10 year old. Big difference. Is it too trite to say "this too shall pass?"

[Wisconsin Mommy]

We should start a support group for moms of almost 3 children. So far, the most challenging age by far. It must be why God made them so cute!

[Toni]

Whoops... sorry.. 80 bucks a month..

pricey...

[Toni]

Wireless PC Cards... (broadband thingy)...

Theyre anywhere from 10 - 100 bucks (after online discount and 2 year contract of course) for the card itself, and I think its about sixty bucks a month. My bosses have it. Not as fast as your home network but will do the trick!

heres a link to verizons product page on it

http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/store/controller?item=phoneFirst&action=viewPhoneOverviewByDevice&deviceType=Wireless%20PC%20Cards&cm_re=Global-_-Phones%20%26%20Accessories-_-Wireless%20PC%20Cards

[the new girl]

Oh, it's so true.

I've seen her in colorful action and it's a little *mmm* awe-inspiring, really.

Negotiator unsurpassed.

Cuteness beyond belief.

Smarty-Smart pants.

You're pretty much fucked until 4, I think.

[JenniferB]

If you weren't needing to cry and laugh at the same time you wouldn't be a Mom. I remember my daughter (now 11) telling me (at age 3) that a "nap right now would be an impossibility, Mommy", and I couldn't decide whether to laugh, cry, applaud, or give her a time out. It comes full circle. She is such a great kid now, and really, on the hard days, I just remember what my mother-in-law says (a good thing) -- "they're all good when they're asleep" -- and she's right!

[karrie]

Almost 3s--mine will turn 3 in August--have a way of forcing you to turn to survival mode.

I'm a good enough parent, most days.