Parenting Milestone #5721: The Emergency Public Potty Break

I'm not quite sure I understand the big fuss over diapers. We all know a toddler shit stinks worse than a southern land fill on a balmy afternoon in August. But in most cases, you can wipe their tiny ass with 4,000 wet wipes in the back of your car and be done with it.

But a tiny finicky toddler who will only pee when Jupiter and Venus are aligned on a her own Dora potty seat with 14 MnMs?

We were on our way home from my Mother's Day extravaganza at my mother's house (read: where I got to take a nap on a recliner without a baby attached to my tit) and I decided that gas under $3 per gallon that someone else pumped for me was too much to pass up. And so, while I was contemplating all the things other than gas that I could use my shiny $50 on, my daughter says to me "Mommy, I have to pee."

Now, if you're potty training or have potty trained, then you know that in certain circumstances, like when you're home and the clean bathroom with toddler-ass sized potty seat is within close proximity, the warning of the impending pee is an amazing achievement worth extra lollipops and tons of praise.

But when you're sitting in a car alone with your baby in the backseat at a scary looking gas station, it's not really what you want to hear.

Quickly ruling out the "drop 'em and pee on a rhododendron," I asked the friendly gas pumper where I might find a bathroom. Much to my chagrin, he pointed to a rickety white building that literally looked as if it might fall over if someone blasted ass in there.

"I'm sure it's immaculate and smells of roses," I told myself, quickly parking my car next to it, grabbing my screaming blanket-eating son out of the car, and reminding my daughter every other second "Just hold it honey. Just hold the pee-pee in."

Now it's one thing to attempt the public pee without scarring my daughter for life with my obsessive rants that include such phrases as "Oh Jesus do not TOUCH anything including that cute little metal box that you think is for coins." With the pre-emptive "you're going potty damnit even if it's like squeezing water out of a rock" type pee, there's plenty of time to whip out the handy dandy pack o' 6 toilet seat covers and small bottle of 409 I keep in an antibacterial bottle so no one except God knows I'm nuts, and hold my 26 lb toddler at least 2 inches above the toilet seat so absolutely no part of her skin goes anywhere near it.

But with a toddler doing a weird tribal dance in a bathroom that reeks of death, you just drop the trou and go for broke.

Still hovering at 2 inches above the toilet seat, of course.

Feeling quite successful with my quick thinking self, I went to grab for toilet paper only to find nothing.

Not one damn piece of paper product in that whole fucking bathroom.

So I did what any good mother would do.

I took off my brand new $45 Tommy Hilfiger shirt, wiped my daughter's ass clean with it, and walked clear back to my car in a breastmilk-stained white nursing tank.

Besides almost poking the gas pumper's eye out with my nipples, I'm pretty sure that I gave even the kind folks in China a lovely Mother's Day surprise.

No, that was not a meteor you saw. That was Kristen Chase's nipple.

But, let's look on the bright side.

At least she didn't need to take a shit.

--

And this is the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time. Thanks New Girl.

Comments

[Jae]

LMAO!! Thank you so much for the laugh!!! I'm 100% with you on all of it. ;)

[Karen]

Ok -this is absolutely what I needed to see today! I really needed to laugh that hard! Thank you! I am miserable thanks to no sleep 'cause the baby is getting 6 teeth at once.
It is just like you said...be careful what you wish for...more teeth to chew with...and potty training so you don't need to buy new diapers....oh why rush things!

[the mad momma]

I thikn my son thinks i am an idiot for sitting in front of my computer screen and laughing my ass off.

and don't worry - i already flashed the postman so you have company

[mujju]

it s so funny here is a link useful for both mother and child.

[tanyetta]

$45 for a shirt? ok nevermind. :)

[trailin']

Haha! This is the funniest post I've read in a while. It's funny to me because I'm that anal about ME using a public restroom. I don't actually have any kids yet but I'm due to have a boy in a month or so and I am so glad that he's not a girl. I can't even imagine. I'm definitely linking back to this.

[MamaMichelsBabies]

Laughin my waddlin arse off over here.

Good to know I'm not the only person with enough ocd to carry around disinfectant cleaning supplies like that. In my trunk, next to my winter stranded box and summer stranded box I have a small stash of "gotta clean that" items that have come in quite handy over the years.

That's Mother of the Year medal material there.. Tommy would have been saved and she'd have, or I'd have, lost a sock to the wiping.

[allie]

Boys are so much better to take to public restooms because ideally they can pee without ever touching anything. The only down fall is when they are little and bend over to pull up their pants and their little head is about 3" from the toilet and mommy flushes it too soon because aren't we ALWAYS in a hurry. Toilet splash to our angels face. you'll need to use 409 on that little mug before anymore kisses!
Even after they were potty trained I kept the larges huggies in the car. It is so much easier to hold a huggies around their butt and have them pee in that. Better than pull ups because you dont have to remove the jeans. Especially when you have an infant to lug out of the car to a public bathroom.

[Dawn]

My daughter, even after being potty trained for months and months, as soon as we enter any public bathroom, will say "and don't touch ANYTHING, right Mommy?" LOL

I sort of engrained it at the very earliest.

Public toilets and potty trained girls are NOT a good mix.

You'll be SO glad you had a boy this time LOL

[Mom101]

Now THAT is a real moms story for the ages.

[Kendra]

You have got to be kidding me! hahahahahahaha. I have never been THERE yet, but believe me, I probably would have done the same thing. I am just about to reach the potty training stage and you give me great hope for the future!

[BOSSY]

Kristen - this is so like that joke... A guy is in a bathroom stall with no paper products and so asks the guy in the next stall if there is any toilet paper where he is. "Nope," the guy answers.

"How 'bout some kleenex?" he asks.
"Nope."

"A napkin? Paper towel?" he pleads
"Nope."

"Got five ones for a five?"

[fidget]

and that is why I let my daughter pee in the sink

oh dont freak out. I wash it out with soap (if it's there) when we are done

oh and the shirt wipe - fabulous idea.. I cant wear nursing tanks as my only support though so I have used me SOCK to wipe my kid. I figure the cuff is still pretty clean

[RookieMom Whitney]

Most excellent story. Well told.

[jaelithe]

And people wonder why I keep napkins in my purse.

[jaelithe]

And people wonder why I keep napkins in my purse.

[Arkie Mama]

OMG — I've had to issue the exact same orders regarding the "cute little metal box."

Why must they place them at Little-People eye level?

Hilarious post!

[Kelly]

If there is any 'mom' moment deserving of a medal, this is it.

You're a much better woman than me. I would have let my daughter drip dry. :)

[Lara]

i'm sure tommy hilfiger would be proud to have been so useful. :-P

[Smiling Mom]

So funny!!! Only because I've been there too. When my son walk into a public bathroom he automatically starts saying, "This is disgusting!" Yea. I agree!

[Bill]

Wow...even _I_ can't go pee in a gas station bathroom. And I'm a GUY!

You're definitely my hero. Can you come potty train my daughter next?

[mothergoosemouse]

Oh c'mon. It's never too early to learn to drip dry. ;)

[Jen]

Potty training was the worst! I hated it. HATED IT! Plus, being military ourselves, we travel a lot. I always carry around an extra pull-up. If my five or three year old BOYS have to pee and the toilet is too discusting and there isn't a bush nearby and I am convinced that dude that went into the john right before is convicted child molester, I just slip that bad boy on them and command "Let'er rip!"

[mommiebear2]

You are wonder woman!!

[mommieebar2]

You are wonder woman!!

[JailDiet]

Happy Mother's Day!

I hover. I use the foot to flush. I use the anti-bac like it's going out of style.

[dana]

Potty-training is the one issue I am failing miserably at. I'm not pushing Dawson, but I'm sick of buying diapers. And then I read this and wonder if I'll be able to handle it! How do you do it K?

[Christina]

And this is why I'm not rushing potty training with Cordy. Everyone keeps pushing me to get her to use the potty quickly, but I'd rather have the ability to let her go in her diaper for the moment.

But I think this story is prompting me to keep a spare potty chair in the trunk now.

[CrankMama]

Now THAT my friend, is good motherhood in a nutshell ... poor poor Tommy. Poor Kristen

[JChase]

Oh. My. Gosh.

I'm laughing, but at the same time, hoping this NEVER happens to me. Although, come to think of it, I already carry toilet seat covers and a tiny roll of toilet paper with me. And tissues. And I don't have kids yet.

Something tells me you can can be as prepared as can be, and something will always take you by surpise. Murphy's law.

I applaud your quick thinking and selflessness! On Mother's Day no less!

[Wendy]

Been there and still doing it. It strikes fear into every mom when a small child screams that they have to go potty, "Right now!". My daughter will be 5 yrs old in June and still cant anticipate when she might have to go to the bathroom. Hell, she is like a dog and doesnt do her business all in one spot.

I am considering buying a portable potty for the back of the SUV. I mean I have the room and instant privacy at a moment's notice. I did buy a foldable potty seat for my diaper bag when Amber was potty training. It fits onto any toilet and I am sure you can wash it in the dishwasher. I havent, but I did clean it with the hottest water possible and bleach after every trip. Really only the bottom is getting yucky and the top stays clean.

We often yell to Amber to not touch anything in the public restroom. For some reason, it is a place that fascinates her. I would dunk her in the hottest water possible if I didnt think it would burn her skin off.

[Beth]

Thank you Lord it was only Pee!!! tommy Hilfiger should not be shit upon.

[Mrs. Chicky]

Oh my Christ. Desperate times, eh?

[Binkytown]

Brilliant! I haven't made it to this dilema yet. As germophobic as I am, I am making a mental note: Keep a potty chair stashed in the trunk of car at all times.

[petite mom blog]

wow...
I'm sure we looked pretty crazy walking into a restaurant yesterday and our 2 yr. old was carrying a big bottle of germzapper!

[TB]

You are my hero.

[Kristen]

It was a birthday gift :)

[Suburban Oblivion]

I'm torn between laughing my ass off and going "Omg, people spend $45 on ONE shirt??". That may actually top the 409 in my book ;)

[the new girl]

Holy hell--
After reading this:

"Oh Jesus do not TOUCH anything including that cute little metal box that you think is for coins."

and this:

...and small bottle of 409 I keep in an antibacterial bottle so no one except God knows I'm nuts

I have to pee.