Why Do You Hate Motherhood So Much?

I didn't know my complaining about the challenges and unfairness of motherhood along with all my growing pangs and hormonal imbalances as a now mother of two caught between a desire to work more and guilt about being with her children less would be miscontrued as hate.

But that's what he told me in front of my daughter in the middle of the mall.

The little old man eating his modest hamburger and small soda next to me didn't even look up as I sobbed into a ratty ketchup stained napkin still munching on my Chick-Fil-A Chicken Sandwich now extra moist and salty thanks to my stream of tears.

"You think going to work is such vacation? - You think you have it so hard? - How could you just want to work and leave your kids with a babysitter?"

How could I be such an awful mother?

My belief that motherhood is unfair lends itself not to me being a self-piteous ingrate, but more that I'm partnered with someone who shows no obvious appreciation for the sacrifices I have made to become a mother.

A damn good mother.

It also lends itself to the constant struggle women must endure to find a balance for their persona as "mother" and as "woman." And we thought we were living in 2007.

There are obvious imbalances in parenting duties in all relationships. This I know and understand. But I'm becoming more convinced each day that no one can have true empathy for a mother unless they are a mother themselves.

I admire SAHDs and single dads and fathers in general, and I value the irreplaceable role that fathers play in a child's life. But there's just something about the mother and child union that cannot be duplicated.

It doesn't matter how a mother came to know their child -- grown in her own belly or in someone else's. And it doesn't matter how a mother fed or raised her child; even the crappiest of mothers out there still have children that adore them (it's a testament to how much we should cut ourselves a break).

The chemicals and hormones are electric in their connection of the two.

So, in my husband's ignorance, I bask in the individuality of my own experience and attempt to find balance in my own situation. I grasp what he will never have. My little secret, my handsome reward, my true life's treasure.

That I am my children's mother. And he will never be.

--

Join me in posting about What Makes You a Mother today. All posts (just email your link here) will be rounded-up and entered to win a prize thanks to Light Iris and Parent Bloggers Network. And it's the last day for the Real Mom Truths contest. I hope you'll enter. I bet you deserve an iPod.

And for a bit of potty mouth, come visit me here.

Comments

[citoyenlambda]

That remark was unnecessarily hard on you, but as you realise in the end of your post it's more a sign of ununderstanding than anything else I think.

All you said about motherhood is right. Yes men and women are different and are unable to fully understand the other gender.

The other gender is and will remain a mystery, otherwise how could we spend a whole life together without getting bored.

I don't think a man could give you empathy, I a man and I don't like this feeling, for a simple reason.
Empathy is listening to somebody's problems without doing anything to help solving them, it's a lack of assistance.

Another reason is that it is heavy to bear somebody else's problem and do nothing, it's frustrating.
a bit like hearing an african child saying I'm starving and saying : "yes I understand your problem", and not giving him anything to eat.

Empathy I think, is likely not to be found from men (I may be wrong), but understanding, compassion, help and of course love.

I don't believe in men trying to understand women to the point that they try to think like one, and conversely, simply because it is impossible.

Of course this is speaking at the general level, on individual ground the possibilities are much wider.

I also think that the best thing to do for a man, is to be a man, and a woman to be a woman (it may sound trivial). Even if for a man a woman is sometimes a bit hard to live with because of attention to unsignificant details, and conversely a man can appear "not caring".

I don't know if I made my point clear but I do not want to conclude without telling you how the text you've written is admirable and true.

[Sueb0b]

Why does he want to leave his kids with someone else while he works outside the home?? Hm?? I am liking "The New Girl"'s comment.

As my nephew (who is now a dad who shares childcare duties HAPPILY) used to say when he was about 5 "That makes me stink!!"

[Grace]

I couldn't agree with you more. The jerk, I can't believe ANYone, much less a husband, would say that to a hard working mama.

Three cheers for you. You are an AWESOME mom.

[Amanda]

I'm speechless... and that's hard.

I never ever got the impression that you hate motherhood... you hate going through it with little support and all the responsibility of BOTH parents, sure, but if you were only responsible for your half, you'd be on top of the world.

Perhaps the retort you were looking for in the napkin should have been "Why do you avoid fatherhood so much?"

But perhaps taking the high road in front of the little one is best.

Because, you know, you're her mother... and you do what's best for her. Because that's what any parent should do. You should still ask him that question, though - maybe when the kids are asleep. You could follow it up with a "and you could stop avoiding the supportive husband role, too"...

I guess I wasn't so speechless...

[Naomi]

Ugh. I have one of those at home, too.

[Mrs. Q.]

Nothing like making a stupid comment like that... RIGHT BEFORE MOTHER'S DAY??! Wow. Return the favor this Father's Day.

[mel]

Oh, Kristen...I am so sorry your husband just doesn't get it. I am at a complete loss as to what to say to make you feel better, I just couldn't read that and not comment.
I am so frustrated for you...Gah.

[TB]

I'm so sorry that he just doesn't seem to get it. You're right, he'll never know the singular experience that you have as mother to your children, but I know it sure would help if he would at least try to understand, to get you, to offer more support.
No one here thinks you hate motherhood, on the contrary, you make it real. You make it true in all its joy and pain. Thanks for that.

[joy]

jesus. what an asshat, K. He obviously has not had enough weekends/months where he flies solo with the kids.

[Jan]

I pictured you crying in the mall and that hurt. I have been there. But ya know, we have it all over them. And they don't even know it. When a baby grows inside you, there is a bond that is stronger than any other bond: father/child, husband/wife, etc. It's not really even their (the dads) fault. I don't tell my husband because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I love this little secret! It's carried me through some hard times.

[Jenn]

damn straight you are a damn good mother - enjoy it, in whatever (perfect!) form it takes.

[Jenn]

damn straight you are - enjoy it, in whatever (perfect!) form it takes.

[tracey]

You are right on. No matter who says what, we are our children's mother...every single minute of every single day, forever. Good days, bad days, and in between we are mothers and THEY will never be.

[The Mentor Mom]

Good God, what was he thinking?!!! You know, I used to work in a prison...I know some guys that could help him "understand" that such comments are not helpful and as a bonus, they know how to avoid leaving marks. Just a thought.

Hang in there and I hope you have a fantastic Mothers Day :)

[Ruth Dynamite]

This is so true, Kristen, and so beautifully said.

It's harder being the mother. Period. End of story. Buh bye.

And you're a damn good mother, among countless other things.

[BOSSY]

Wait, did you just call your husband 'the little old man sitting next to me'?

Or were you referring to someone else?

Either way, Bossy feels you.

[Matt]

I really hate to say this, because I was both a child whose parents divorced and a parent who got divorced - and I'm sure (screw it - I KNOW) that I was a self-centered asshat about how much both of my wives have suffered and paid for their maternity. And that I did not offer near the amount of support and empathy that I should have.

BUT - I would NEVER have said this to them (both worked outside) or even thought anything like this about them. In a thirty year professional career I have seen many women struggle with wanting to maintain their professional and intellectual status versus the pull of their children and the raw need to be the best mothers they could be.

Any thinking, even minimally aware man who can't (or won't) understand this need and the conflicts engendered in women who have or aspire to achievement beyond motherhood is probably not the right partner for you.

Women have the right to do whatever they want with their lives - whether they also (or exclusively) choose motherhood or not. And the world is going to be a poorer place if the men in it don't start understanding and stand-up supporting this.

I'm really sorry you have to put up with this. It makes we want to yell into his face for not understanding, for not trying to understand, what he has in you as a partner and mother of his children.

Gah - I'll just shut up before I start quoting the new girl.

[Jen M.]

Sister - hugs to you. We all can relate on at least some level to your struggle, and I hope you know there are a lot of women out there who are wrapping you with compassion and strength as a fellow woman and mom. Happy mother's day to YOU and all the other great mom bloggers!!!! We ROCK.

[Above Average Joe]

There is NO job tougher than being a mom and if there are any moms who dont have the thoughts you mentioned, they must not be doing it right.

[Jaime]

HUGS for you!

I did as instructed and posted my "What Makes Me A Mother" post!

[dana]

I hate when husbands make such insensitive comments. Sometimes when I'm losing it, Doug will say "You wanted to have kids!" and I find myself asking him, "So you're saying you didnt'?"

It's one of those marital fights that drives me insane and to tears.

[Elizabeth]

Kristen, sweetie, I don't know why your husband is such an insufferable ass to you, but I'm so sorry. It's that age-old problem that women just want to talk about their feelings and be LISTENED to, while men have the immediate reaction that they need to FIX something. You need to explain to him that sometimes you just need to vent, to get out your feelings of guilt and doubt, and he just needs to sit there and say "mmm hmm". And maybe fetch you a clean napkin to cry into. Honestly! How has he been married to you all this time and not figured that out yet?

[mothergoosemouse]

I swear to you, as soon as he walks in my front door, I will hand him a bottle of beer - and then smack him with my own.

[LawyerMama]

Yeah, you don't know anything about working because you've never worked a day in your life. You've always been a pampered princess, eating bon bons and buying designer shoes. (Can you hear the sarcasm?)

Can I come up there & stand in the line to smack your husband? I work full time outside the home and YES it IS easier than staying home with your kids. The whole guilt/conflict thing is worse, but the day to day is much easier. At least it is for me.

[nikoline]

My sense of you is that you are truly wonderful and strong and seem to know yourself well. Keep on believing YOUR truth.

[Dawn]

your HUSBAND said that to you?

WTF.

I honestly do not know how you continue to do it, Kristen. But you WILL always have the last laugh, because damned straight, we have something no man will ever be able to have or duplicate.

[Toni]

Wow, I feel for you. I think it would take every ounce of will power I posess to not just beat the living shit out of him right then and there. This makes me feel lucky to have the kind of understanding man I have (even if he is an infinitely procrastinating pack rat that is horrible with money.... ).. his faults just arent that bad when I think of the alternative... a lack of support and understanding is the worst...

[Wisconsin Mommy]

Seriously? Send him over here - I have a slap with his name on it.

[Amy]

Oh dear! I know exactly what you are saying. I hate the complete non-understanding (is that a word) by my husband of WHAT I DO. "I'm the Man, I make the Money, I don't have to DO anything once I get home because I WORKED all day." Doesn't matter that I work outside the home, take them to school, pick them up, take them to the doctor (not once has he ever, EVER taken them to the doctor, OR SCHOOL), the chores AND the childrearing. All of it is moot because He's the Man. I need to have a job to make money or I'm not "contributing". What the F***? We need to look further up and realize that this has been taught to them, by THEIR mothers. Let's raise our sons better than this.

[Shannon]

Charming. It must be a trend, as my husband made me feel like shit yesterday, too.
WTF?

[the new girl]

Oh for Fuck's sake.

How will he fly a plane with his head SO FAR UP HIS FUCKING ASS??

All right. I feel a little better.

Not really, but why dirty up the comments any more than I have to?