My Life of Crime: A Photographic Expose'

There's nothing like an accidentally stolen duck to make you realize a few things -- namely that there are a lot of goody goodies incredibly honest and moral people in this world, and apparently I am not one of them.

I suppose I had gotten away with my thievery for way too long. But before you judge me, just note that I'm an extremely devoted babywearer. At least I don't neglect my kids while I'm pillaging the malls and countrysides.

I steal food out of the pantry. Don't worry, I covered his eyes.

And yes. If I see a penny. I just can't help myself. I have to pick it up. And I don't try to find the owner. 

And sadly. I have been known to even steal candy from a baby.

But then I had a thought. What if Mr. Ducky flung himself into the basket of my stroller to save himself -- to give himself a better life? What if he didn't want to be bought into slavery at the hands of a tiny drooly baby?

And so, being the humanist former vegetarian animal lover that I am, I offered Mr. Duck (who prefers to remain anonymous due to what could be seen as his defection from the masses of shelved plush toys) a life that he would have never had if he had actually been purchased.

Usually the geese are in charge of the remote. Well, not in this house.

I don't do this for anyone. Only refugee ducks.

 

Even ducks like to party hard.

And so, you see that Mr. Duck is enjoying his new life in our home, away from the flourescent lights and weird perfumes named after things dogs pee on.

So was it wrong to allow him to stay so long? Should I send him back to the busy shelves where he must sell his soul to survive? Put your money where your mouth is or at least, put a little old button up. Are you a suburbran stroller bandit? An ethical moralist? A hungry omnivore with a taste for small poultry who could give two shits about this whole debacle?

Or should we send Mr. Duck back into the world. Free bird, if you will?

While we certainly can't be bought (or stolen), I'm willing to negotiate deals for special appearances with Mr. Duck.

<a href="http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2007/05/to_catch_a_thie.html"><img src="http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/coolmompicks/keeptheduck.jpg"></a>

<a href="http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2007/05/to_catch_a_thie.html"><img src="http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/coolmompicks/returntheduck.jpg"></a>

<a href="http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2007/05/to_catch_a_thie.html"><img src="http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j29/coolmompicks/eattheduck.jpg"></a>

Thanks Julie!

 

The littlest new girl has finally arrived!

And if you actually purchase a shirt or bib, I'll include an autographed breast pad. And I'll put your picture on my blog and link you.

Comments

[Suburban Turmoil]

This is HILARIOUS. Keep the duck. And be sure to bring him to BlogHer. I want a picture with it.

[Tiffany]

I can't help but notice that "pay for the duck" isn't listed among your options, though it seems like the only one that makes sense.

Once, many years ago, I was in a convenience store on my way to work, and I got a fountain coke and headed up to the line. But there were about a dozen people in line, so rather than stand in line, I started browsing greeting cards, waiting for the place to clear out a little. After about ten minutes, I glanced at the clock and realized that I was going to be late for work, so I hustled out of the store and only remembered when I was halfway to work that I hadn't paid for the coke.

Rather than have t-shirts printed, I simply stopped at the store on my way home and paid for it.

[PunditMom]

I'd love one of the T-shirts in the non-preggo mom version!

[Kristen]

If you realllly want a Keep the Duck shirt, I'm happy to make one for you :)

[j_lovescoffee]

What? No "Keep the Duck" t-shirts for non-pregnant mommies?

[Scatteredmom]

Well Kristen, we are sisters in crime.

Sort of.

I didn't "steal" a duck, but the cashier forgot to ring in my milk.

My son wasn't too impressed about that.

[Melinda]

Ab-duck-ted? TeeHee. I say keep the duck! It's on my blog now.

[Shauna]

Woohoo! I found them. I want the shirt...

[Michele]

lol! When I read this I don't feel so bad about the box of pampers that I 'stole' last week. I don't think its considered stealing if you forget about the stuff underneath the shopping cart because you have 2 babies and a shit load of groceries on top of it.

[wookie]

Holy crap I had no idea this had gotten so contentious for people. I honestly didn't mean to offend anyone, I was just offering up what I would have done.

I say eat the damn duck. It's about as important as the "I say to-mah-to, you say to-may-to" argument.

[brighton]

Keep The Duck!! You got my vote from Texas : )

[motherofbun]

Mmmmm, Duck. EAT the duck.

[Jenn]

food out of the pantry? my god, will you stop at nothing, woman?!

man, I must really be damned for all the cashier screw ups that I've discovered at home and never trekked back to fix...

keep the duck!

[slouching mom]

You rock, kristen. This is a riot. The 'keep the duck' button will be up at my site asap.

[flutter]

You are hilarious!!! Keep the duck!!

[sam]

Got a duck and it's posted.

Good on ya Kristen! I love your sense of humour!

[FENICLE]

I voted. And I confessed too!!!
You can read it all here.....
http://fenicle.com/2007/06/07/dear-wal-mart/

[Eryn]

I'm a keep the duck-er.

[Damselfly]

Hilarious!

[Wyliekat]

I absolutely cannot believe that people are getting on their moral high ducks for this stuff.

Implying that ethical behaviour is out of style and that you're "gateway thieving" behaviour is going to lead you down the path to ruin, perhaps behind a 7-11, wearing fishnet stockings and a cherry red bunny costume is laughable.

The world is not pristine. People are not perfect. Mistakes and accidents happen. Sometimes you can't tell the whole truth to your children. And if you can honestly claim that none of these things have ever happened to you, well then honey - you just ain't living. Period.

[Fairly Odd Mother]

My vote is here: http://fairlyoddmother.blogspot.com/

[delamare]

Keep the duck! I'm going to work out to put Duckie on my blog too.

[Michelle]

Steal another one. Everyone deserves a friend.

[JailDiet]

keep the duck. may it be your new family heirloom!

[Heather]

Love the buttons. Snagged one for my blog. Keep the duck, he's better off with you!

[Lisse]

Let's just say I was humiliated out of the place by a salesperson.

http://homeintheworld.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/01/the_boy_with_th.html

Keep the duck.

[Christina]

Hee hee, love it! I say keep the duck - "stolen" merchandise will only drive up the prices in Gap, which really only makes them look more high-end, so in the end, they still win, right?

[tessa]

Bwhahahah... EAT Da' DUCK!!!! Button is on my site

[Arkie Mama]

Better a drunken duck than a captive one. Keep the damn thing. (Oh, yeah, and I snagged the appropriate button. Love them!)

[Cakehead]

You are way too funny! I'm a freak that I am about returning things, but I say keep the duck!

[Lara]

keep it! ducky is on my blog. :)

[amygeekgrl]

i think you might have too much time on your hands. ;)
hilarious post though. i like the fuck the duck option myself as well. reminds me of high school - "oh, go fuck a duck."

[Sylvie]

Found you on sk*rt. Hilarious. Keep the duck!

[BOSSY]

Duck the keep! Bossy meant Keep the Duck! Maybe you can attach it to your baby's head to act as a cushion in case you bend to pick up another penny. Dangerous!

[Kristen]

Lisse -

You got KICKED out of the GAP. Well then FUCK THEM. Seriously?

I love that.

AbDUCKted

LMAO

[Lisse]

Maybe it's my Jersey ethics, but I say keep the duck. Getting kicked out of a Baby Gap once because my toddler was making too much noise might also be influencing my vote.

I think you have something with the Ducky Duds. I can see the inadvertently abducted (abDUCKted?) duck becoming a symbol of frazzled mothers everywhere.

[maman]

I voted... btw, are you sure that is not a devil duck in disguise?

http://www.skeletoncoast.com/Products/Devil%20Ducks/RedDucksm.jpg

[M]

All I can think after reading these is -- WWED? (What would Ernie do?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6HdH57rZzU

[LawyerMama]

Oh, this is FABULOUS!! Keep the Duck is totally going up on my site.

[Kristen]

Fuck the duck is now available upon request. Just email me.

[prescott]

Where's the "fuck the duck" button?

[Jennifer]

As if I need anymore damn buttons!!! But, I can't resist, I love me the Keep the Duck Button.

[Heather]

ROFL! You are such a riot!

you know I'm all for keeping the duck. I couldn't imagine a better home for him.

[David Wescott]

Free the Duck!

[margalit]

Keep the duck. My button is up!

[Phoenix]

Keep the dam duck. I think I'll see if I can figure out how to get the button up on my site.

I love the pictures. You're cracking my ass up. Hell that duck is living the life now.

[melissa]

LOL! That's hilarious. i love it.

[jaelithe]

Aha! So it was a viral marketing ploy all along! Very clever.

[Lene]

Keep the duck! Cute post! This is my first time to visit your blog and I love it.

Fellow babywearer here!

[Occidental Girl]

Return the duck. But wait!! It's not for the reason you think. I don't care about the accidental stealing part. I'm all about the "get rid of shit you don't want". Unless you want it. Then, keep it.

[Dana]

It's been so crazy here, so forgive my insanity. I didn't read the caption to the first picture right away and I honestly thought you were sitting on the toilet wearing Drew.

And I've told you before, I only paid for Dawson's Rolos because my husband works at the damn grocery store.

Keep the DUCK!

[Amy Jo Momma]

I am peeing my pants because I am laughing so hard!

[Kristen]

jen -- haha.

sure bill -- i'll even give you interest. will a nickel do?

[Bill]

That was my penny - can I please have it back now?

[Hyphen Mama]

When life gives you ducks...make duck a l'orange!

[jen]

what if you get it drunk and leave it outside so it can make little duck babies? then you can raffle them off and we can all have our own duck.

You know, like a duck club.

[Dawn]

How about giving back the duck after you've gotten it drunk? :)

[Kelly]

I've heard roast duck is quite delightful, so I'm passing up keeping and going right to the eating.

[Jessica]

I think I might love you.
Oh and for this I'm definitely going to figure out how to put a button on my blog.
But which to choose? Eat the duck? Keep the duck? So glad I read this in the morning and not last night. It would have kept me up for sure.

[FabGirl]

Keep the damn duck. Only because this may or may not have happened to me. Although I think it was the baby that did a bit of thievery. And also, GAP rips me off ALL the time with their overseas made clothes and kicky accessories.

[Kristen]

Julie -- ONLY if you wear a furry yellow duck suit, baby.

[mothergoosemouse]

Will you feed me grapes like that?

[Mom101]

I say give back the duck but keep the Kahlua.

[Her Bad Mother]

You already know that I'm gonna EAT THE DAMN DUCK, as soon as Izzy finishes messing around under my hood.

I also would have liked to have seen DUCKS ARE TERRORISTS and SEND DUCKY TO GUANTANAMO... but I'm a cold ass droogy bitch like that.

[JessicaB]

You are too funny. KEEP THE DAMN DUCK. He fell into your basket, you didn't put him there. I would definitely have to have me some of your clothing line.

[JChase]

Hee hee hee hee hee!

You're having WAY too much fun with this. :)

I got a name for your new clothing line: Duck Duds (or Duckie Duds)

[Wendy]

I love it. I wonder if I jump into someone's stroller basket they will feed me grapes and let me party. Motivation to lose some weight.

I see a rash of duck-nappings in GAP's future. We must save the plush ducks from their imminent doom. We must, we must. If we cant save the ducks, who can we save.

Vive la duck!