Take a Shower with a Mommy Blogger

9:00am Turn the water on in the bath tub.

9:02am Set up child on your bed, armed with a spill proof cup (that you've tested 6 times) and non-chokable snacks (that you've broken into a thousand pieces and are now barely considered solid food), and turn on Sesame Street.

9:03am Spend the next 8 minutes preparing the room for possible disasters which might lead to another broken bone. This includes putting pillows around the child like a padded room, and laying several on the floor around the bed.

9:11am Jump in the shower and quickly lather using baby soap since you forgot to grab your own soap from the sink. Then you try to figure out why your soap is on the sink but you figure you need all the energy you can muster to shave so you shouldn't waste it on trying to figure out the little mysteries of life.

9:14am Realize you have no shampoo, so you jump out of the shower soaking wet and drape yourself with a hand towel, the only thing within your reach, and run through your bedroom to check on your daughter while on your way to the other bathroom. During which, she looks away from Big Bird long enough to say "bum-bum" while you quickly duck into said bathroom before she decides to name any of your other body parts.

9:17am You return to shower holding a puny bottle of Pert Plus, hardly the prize worthy of your 3 minute naked romp through the house.

9:18am While lathering your head with what could pass for green draino, you think about why the hell you have a bottle of Pert Plus in your house, and who actually uses Pert Plus. Then you think that it would be a pretty funny blog post - "Pert Plus, one notch above Selsun Blue, one notch above Head and Shoulders." But then you think about all the comments you might get like "What the hell did Pert Plus ever do to you?" or "Maybe YOU have a nanny that lets you take a 25 minute shower, but I don't and so I need a 2 in 1 shampoo, bitch" or "Maybe some of us are allergic to fruit and don't want a shampoo that gives us an orgasm."

And then you wonder if you use a 2 in 1 shampoo, should you still use conditioner? And then you think that that's a really stupid question and maybe it wouldn't be such a funny post after all.

9:26am Realize that you spent so much time thinking about your blog post that you are now taking a barely luke warm shower and for a split second think that not having to use a conditioner in your hair might not be a bad thing since it would give you time to shave your pits and at least your lower legs. But then you decide that you'd rather have hairy legs than be seen purchasing Pert Plus and just shave your pits.

9:28am Rinse off, thinking that you'll now have at least 20 minutes of time to read blogs in the nude get ready until you hear a loud thud.

9:29am Jump out of the shower to find that the spill proof cup was not spill proof after your child has taken the top off and thrown the contents (including the cup) off the bed.

9:30am Strip the bed and clean the floor all while still naked with wet hair dripping all over the floor, still trying to figure out how you can use the whole Pert Plus bit in a blog post.

9:41am Decide that from now on, you're going to just go to the gym, pay the $1 for the daycare, and use their shower. Hell, you're paying $40/month for something and it sure as hell ain't the treadmill.

9:42 Realize you now only have 18 minutes left and decide you'd rather read blogs than wear make up. Plus, you figure since you shaved your pits, it's actually a pretty good day already.

--

Vintage Motherhood Uncensored in honor of Light Iris's Blog Blast "Where Does Your Time Go?" Join the fun and win a 2-day conference pass to Blogher's 2007 Conference in Chicago. And if you already have a ticket, who cares? Play along anyway. And if you win, you can give it away.

Comments

[bernie]

I don't understand, why not simply take the bath/shower with your child? I'm a guy and I had no problem with that. That's the real utility of a baby sling - in the shower.

[Sarah Krznarich]

I just read your "Dear Huz" post (June 20?) and I want to tell you: I have written those exact feelings down, not as a married woman but as an under appreciated one. It doesn't make me sad in a conventional way; I'm extremely proud of you for not only recognizing what you deserve but putting it down on "paper" thus making it real. So many women don't, and good lord, is it not time we scream it from the mountaintops? Not to be complainers, but to effectively communicate what is inside us and how things can be resolved? You are a strange source of strength for me ... I am not married nor do I have children. But I think about those what-ifs, and I try to educate myself through humorous blogs like yours and dooce and fussy so that I can be all the more prepared for what might lie ahead. I am sad that you are sad, and under appreciated, but fuckin' a woman, you're doin it. And you're doin it out loud. And every time you make me laugh, you make me think.
Thank you.

[Sarah Krznarich]

I just read your "Dear Huz" post (June 20?) and I want to tell you: I have written those exact feelings down, not as a married woman but as an under appreciated one. It doesn't make me sad in a conventional way; I'm extremely proud of you for not only recognizing what you deserve but putting it down on "paper" thus making it real. So many women don't, and good lord, is it not time we scream it from the mountaintops? Not to be complainers, but to effectively communicate what is inside us and how things can be resolved? You are a strange source of strength for me ... I am not married nor do I have children. But I think about those what-ifs, and I try to educate myself through humorous blogs like yours and dooce and fussy so that I can be all the more prepared for what might lie ahead. I am sad that you are sad, and under appreciated, but fuckin' a woman, you're doin it. And you're not doin it out loud. And every time you make me laugh, you make me think.
Thank you.

[carrie]

Someone told me once that you could actually wax your car with Pert Plus (not that I wax my car all that often, but still . . . ).

Love this!! :)

[Sheri]

I'm new to the wide world of blogging, but I have to say I read this post last night and was still thinking about it today! Love it!

[JailDiet]

At least the FIL didn't walk in on you scrubbing the spilled drink off the floor while bent over naked.

And, I love the almost/but still post about Pert Plus.

[stella]

I would definately have ranked PERT PLUS over say....

SUAVE. i mean, that shit is like 99cent.

great post.
s

[tkkerouac]

Great blog!

[ashley]

Hi. I lurk here a lot. I went to the gym just for an uninterrupted shower quite a bit! At least I got my money's worth!

[Karla]

Oh my god you're Funny with a capital F! Thank god I'm not the only one who sometimes only shaves my lower legs.

My mom used to buy those 2-in-1 shampoo products and they suck ass!

[Cori]

Next time just take her in the shower with you! Just think of the great post you could write.

[Phoenix]

Great Post. I realize it's an old one, but I didn't read blogs back then. Not really anyway. "Maybe some of us are allergic to fruit and don't want a shampoo that gives us an orgasm." I love this line. I freaking used that fruity shit for three weeks when the comercial first came out, never did shit for me. ;)

[Kristen]

Dawn --

TEEHEE. This is a vintage post. My daughter was about 14 months and I didn't have the boy yet :)

[Dawn]

Ok, but MY question is, Kristen....

what the hell did you do with the other KID??? LOL

[Summer]

I don't even remember the last time I got to shave. LOL Showers here feel like a game of survivor. With 2 boys they can destroy the house in the 5 minutes it takes to wash my hair.

[maggie]

Any day in which you get to shave your pits is a good day!

[Kelly]

Ha! Today I got the makeup, but no shaved pits, and I'm totally sporting a tank top.

Ahhh, it's too hot to go anywhere anyway, so I'm only subjecting the young ones to my hideous pit stubble.

[dana]

Kristen, I am an idiot.
I didn't realize this was a post you wrote a long time ago (until I read the comments from 2006).

That would mean that Drew was in the belleehhhh! (That's how Dawson says belly).

Good gracious, forgive me. I'm a complete moron today.

[dana]

And where was Drew during this shower? You know all those anti-mommy people will be slinging the accusations soon enough! ;)

I love showers. I can think in there. That is until the toddler is banging on the shower door asking for juice.

[maggie]

Ick ... Pert Plus. I'd skip the shampoo if that was all I had.

I'm lucky, my kids now let me take (quick) showers. I still have to jump out and run naked across the house whenever my daughter comes screaming, "I have to go to the potty," or "Mommmm!! Bubby's into trouble!!" It was easier when we lived in the country and didn't have to worry about neighbors seeing me running naked through the house through the window -- then I didn't have to bother finding a towel.

[Nancy]

This is TOO FUNNY. Well, except for the launching-the-sippy-cup part. But I agree completely -- overall, it's a great day if you get those pits shaved.

[Izzy]

Back when I was a new mom, I ventured into Pert Plus territory. I feel your pain. Go to the gym :)

[Kristen]

OK, I made "blogging naked" t-shirts to sell to all those people that are "out there" on the internet. Now this is the third post I have seen today about "blogging naked" as in, well, you know, without the benefit of clothing. I think I may have targeted the wrong audience.

And those spill-proof cups are crap. My son has figured out how to rap it on the floor until the little plastic thingy pops out and the milk goes streaming out.

[J.]

Buahahahahahaaa!
Absolutely priceless.
And so true!

[emma]

Too funny. I take the kids in the shower with me in the morning. Then I don't have to bother bathing them at night!

[Amanda Keeys]

That was the most entertaining post I've read all day. Those gym memberships have to be good for something - and if not cheapo childcare while you take a shower, then what?

[Jennifer (37 and ticking...)]

OMG. This very morning I was yet once again agonizing over the possibility of starting a family. I mean, I'm a TRAVELER... I don't even exactly know what a sippy cup is or how the juice stays inside. So I talked to the universe this A.M., I said "what do *I* want? Baby? No baby?"... that moment, I heard a baby wailing through our Fort-Knox-Thick walls... then i came upstairs to check some blogs and stumbled across yours through another gal's blog link.... and now I have visions of trading in my French shampoo for Pert Plus, having our brand new down pillows (which I just hand carried across the ocean) soaked in Hi-C, and my hour-long baths replaced by a quick splash with the hose. IS IT WORTH IT, I ASK YOU? IS IT ALLLLL WORTH IT?!!!!!! I'm a wreck. And we had unprotected sex this month ON the ovulation days. OMG. I need therapy. Gasp... choke... FAINT...

[carrie]

Oh man, that was funny. You should consider yourself lucky though, I am ALWAYS accompanied by a 2-year-old baby soap nazi in the shower WITH me, every day!!! Thank you for reminding me about the shower at the gym though, seriously, I hadn't even thought about it.

[Her Bad Mother]

Hell, YEAH. Pits shaved pretty much ranks up there with formal wear 'round here.

[Melissa]

Maybe next time hot glue the sippy cup shut before you get in. Sure, you can never use it again, but that's a small price to pay for getting to shower AND not having to clean up sippy spill after.

Though gym day care may be cheaper, depending on how often you want to shower.

[Bri]

I have the same problem. Only since I've been wearing capris I've only been shaving up to my knees. Then I put on gym shorts and realized I hadn't shaved my thighs in MONTHS. Let me tell you. It was mayhem. The gym thing sounds like a good idea as does reading a magazine - childfree...

[TB]

Oh my god. This is comedy gold. And I swear I didn't picture you naked mopping up the floor :o)

[Much More Than A Mom]

Love it! Way to find a use for the Pert Plus in your post without really finding a use for it.

[Christina]

You've just given me motivation to join the gym now.

And Pert Plus? Isn't that the stuff you use to strip a bad dye job from your hair? Or was that Prell?

[joy]

pert plus? can i use it on my boobies? and my bum-bum? they need help.

[dcrmom]

Hilarious. Especially about trying to come up with a good blog post. We all do it, but do we admit that great blog posts don't just flow forth effortlessly? Great stuff!

[Nicole]

Hilarious and all too familiar. That is, until a friend suggested I just bring my daughter into the shower with me. I tried it, and I'm thrilled to say that I now get my hair washed and pits shaved every single day.

If you've got issues with the whole nude-in-front-of-kids thing, this clearly won't work. But I'm guessing you don't.

[Jill Urbane, The Mentor Mom]

It's amazing how having a little one can desensitize us to doing things in the nude...wiping up the mess? I have so been there...

[chris]

So if I join a gym I can shower undisturbed? Do I have to work out or can I just shower?

[reluctant housewife]

I shower at the gym. I spend 30 minutes on the eliptical (i.e. watching TV without interruptions), then I jump into the shower they clean for me. But you get babysitting for $1 an hour? I'd live at the gym if I was you.

[Pattie]

I must admit, I didn't know they still made Pert Plus heehee...

[Mom101]

I HATE Pert Plus. I swear, I was thinking about posting about it (after I was forced to use it at my brother's last week) but like you, I figured it would be one of those benign posts that turned into a crazy melee with punches thrown, noses broken and skulls fractured.

But seriously? Hate Pert Plus. The shampoo doesn't work that well and the conditioner doesn't work that well. Maybe if you're that pressed for time you just shouldn't wash your hair?

[Sunshine Scribe]

This is wicked funny for a million reasons.

Oh and I am especially dying because one of my first account assignments when I was in advertising was Pert Plus. It was next to impossible to make it "aspirational". The stuff is vial. They delisted it in Canada and I got reassigned.

[Lady M]

Going to the gym just to take a shower is a brilliant idea. 24-Hour Fitness should add a moms-of-toddlers aspect to their marketing pitch.

>Realize that you spent so much time thinking about your blog post that you are now taking a barely luke warm shower

Been there!

[mothergoosemouse]

See, THAT'S the kind of title that attracts search engines!

And you win. I just stay stanky all day.

But I would never - repeat, NEVER - resort to Pert Plus (although - gulp - the generic version is in fact present in my shower). Let me know if I need to send you some Rusk Sensories.

[Elizabeth]

With that post title, I thought there were going to be scandalous BlogHer photos!

I would definitely pay a dollar to get a nice, long shower with enough time to condition and shave.

[Kristin]

Herbal Essence shampoo totally made me heave when I was pregnant. I still can't stomach it.

(Shaving pits = major accomplishment around here too)

[nonlineargirl]

I'm still showering while Ada naps. I started getting my lower legs waxed this summer because I decided it would be less time consuming than shaving.

[Jerri Ann]

Yea if you got to shave...you are lucky.....I actually took a bath tonight with my little one (20 months) running loose in the bathroom. I figured I could bail out of the tub if he found something terrible and I could at least see him and in the shower, I'm totally blind...I even got a hair wash out of that bath....you go girl!

[Chase]

Shucks. With a title like "Take a Shower with a Mommyblogger", I thought there was going to be some kind of contest.

I couldn't wait to enter and win. Talk about fodder!

*pout*

[karyn]

Terrifyingly familiar...good to know it's not just me.

[Sarah-Jean]

I cracked up SO BAD reading that post!! It was so funny, I made my husband come read it.

You are AWESOME!!

[Woman with Kids]

Hey, the body was washed, the hair was washed, and technically conditioned! and the pits shaved? That's practically a five star day.

[BFF]

Stripping a bed in the nude sure ain't what it used to be, eh?

[Melissa]

I am cracking up. I missed you Kristen. Pert plus? Maybe the in-laws brought it.

You can't question why things are where they are when you have a 2 year old. It just is. Says the woman with a box of Tampons and a half eaten granola bar in front of her. We haven't been home in two weeks, no clue where the granola bar came from.

[Lisa B]

Now that my son is 4, I get to take real showers. Mostly because once the tv turns on, he, like his father, is a total zombie.

But you took me back down memory Lane. And it made me smile. Thanks