I Only Look Like I Have Herpes and a Weird Eye Tick.

The beauty of blogging is that I could be some slobby lazy ass with an almost non-existent but still enough to make me paranoid mustache plus a preference of blogging over showers who only likes to wear the same outfit everyday because it just so happens to be the only one that fits her post-partum body that is not really one size but a combination of three sizes all of which are not a 2 and you would never know.

Never.

Except then I actually have somewhere other than the post office and my friend's house to go to where I might actually have my picture taken. So, champion wedgie underpants and my (and Maggie Gyllenhal's) new perfume "Milky Tits" won't cut it. And all of a sudden I go into "Oh shit I have to look like a human that you wouldn't offer your sandwich to if you saw her sitting on the side of the street" mode.

I wouldn't say I've let myself go, but clearly I'd like to leave a lasting impression that doesn't say "Hobo" or worse, just plain "Ho." Plus, most folks don't really know what I look like, and I'm way past trying to just suck it up and realize I'm a mom who just had a kid six months ago.

Hell no! I want to look fan-fucking-tastic. I don't want children and babies to root when then see me because I smell like a big glass of milk. And I want to wear shoes that are not good for chasing down children but rather will hurt my feet after a good solid 15 minutes of standing in them.

Give me the blisters baby! I'm a whore for strappy 4 inch heels, damnit.

But with two kids as my sole responsibility for many days at a time, my eyebrows have gotten a little thicker and my shirts have gotten a lot looser.

So I decided to get my peach fuzz mustache waxed off, which coincidentally hurts more than a crotch wax. And thanks to Carmen with the scary mishapen eyebrows, I've got these weird mini-zits that I've obsessively popped making me looked like I gave one too many blow jobs to our sewer pipe.

And then my right eyeball started to get itchy and weirdly seepy, most likely indicating that I need a new contact. But since my eyes aren't the same acuity (or really, lack thereof), I can't wear the 14 left contacts I have. And in order to get a new prescription I have to go to an Optometrist and have them to tell me what I already know -- I'm legally blind and that's being generous. So, I'm blinking my right eye at a rapid pace which actually looks like I'm winking -- and not in a very cute, flirty way, but in a more desperate almost stalkerish sort of way.

To complicate matters just a little bit more, I've got to fit everything in a carry on since I fly standby. And that wouldn't be so much of an issue if I didn't have a shoe fetish, and I didn't have to bring my gigunda son. So, I'm going to have to make some sacrifices.

Clearly my son doesn't need to change clothes every day. And diapers? If I only change him when he poops, I'll have way more room for shoes.

So, I'm banking on the fact that people will focus on my cute swag (any guesses?), my cute new shirts courtesy of this wonderful woman (which you can order and get some of the cute swag as an extra bonus if you're not going to BlogHer), and my hot sexy live podcast, and not so much on the fact that I'm just not as put together as I would have hoped.

Plus if it's anything like last year, no one will really care. They'll be way too busy talking about how bitchy, aloof, and real-estate agent like I was to even notice my big poofy lip and weird eye tick.

Comments

[heather]

I have been on holidays for the last two weeks so am just catching up on your posts. I have to say it, YOU SLAY ME GIRL! This post and "Why is Big Always Better?" both had me laughing out loud.

Oh I needed that. Thanks

[prescott]

It was so great to finally meet you. I hardly even noticed the festering herpes sores.

[Nicole]

You looked totally wonderful, although I may have been distracted by the cute baby and awesome swag.

[Lainey-Paney]

Little packing tip: only take enough diapers to get you through the flight & airport security.

Buy more diapers & wipes when you get there. Why? Because they take up so much fucking room. That's shoe room, my friend.

[bitsy parker]

I'm sad not to be going to Blogher to see you and your eye twitch. Hope there will be lots 'o pictures taken.

Missing the "real estate like" comment. What that mean?

[parisiennefarmgirl]

Your killing me - just found your blog but commented way back on bratty kids- I am 4 months with number two and don't even want to leave the house - I can't even put an outfit together. I can't wax my eyebrows cause they go zit-freaky but your right about the stash hurting worse than the crotch. Good for you for doing it.
My diapers on sight and keep a bib on the babes if he's a spitter. It's hot - stuff Onesies in your 4 inch healed shoes to save room!

[stella]

dood. i get those mini-zits on the stash too!!!

wtf is up with that???

[Selfmademom]

I'm still stuck on the line- flying standby. How do you do that with a baby? You get to wear whatever you want if you pull that off! Look forward to meeting you!

[Lady M]

Must have one of those shirts!

[Suebob]

You'll recognize me by the actual real eye tic I have and the zit on my nose.

[mothergoosemouse]

I couldn't get new contacts either, thanks to my freaky Rx. So we can wink at each other and spark rumors about whether we're MORE than friends.

[Kristen]

Half of the folks will be too drunk and half of us (with the babies) will be too tired to notice your hair or my zits.

:)

[AndreAnna]

Love the "eau de milky tits"! lol

[Christina]

People thought you looked like a real estate agent last year? I don't remember you looking that way at all. (or bitchy and aloof for that matter)

I'm guessing personalized condoms for the swag.

Hey, onesies don't take up that much space - stuff them in your pockets to save room in your bag.

I'm packing a ton of stuff, but I still don't think it'll help me disguise my lumpy postpartum body and limp hair.

[Kristen]

Good guess... but nope!

[Smiling Mom]

I guess a duck with a Motherhood Uncensored shirt on. Was I right on the swag?

[karyn]

I'm so frickin' jealous.

Because you CAN wear 4" shoes.
Because you DO look great.
Because you're going to BlogHer.
And because you actually DID have a baby six months ago.

Whereas my wonky f*cked up feet start howling if i put on anything that looks good, I look like a demented muppet, I'm NOT going to BlogHer (how the hell do you score in on that, anyway) and because I only LOOK like I had a baby six months ago.

Which, by the way I didn't. The last ginormous kid who emerged from my body did so three years ago.

Crap.

Well, but have fun. And my only packing suggestion is to bring an empty carry on and shop your ass off while you're there and pack it all in on the way home.

[Mom101]

"The Real Estate Agent Wore Milky Tits"

That is the title of your autobiography.

[Nancy]

Can't wait to see you there!

[Vodkarella]

if you need me to bring anything baby related, i'm driving and have room for anything you need. see you soon! squee!

[Phoenix]

That was cool, even though I bet it took longer than ten seconds.

How about mailing your shoes to the hotel? And diapers, well I'm sure they have then there.

Have a blast.

[Mrs. Chicky]

You may not know it yet, but I'll take that eye twitch as an invitation. Rwarr. Can't wait to finally meet you!

[Jill]

Don't pack diapers- buy them there! More room for you!

[CPA Mom and Soccer Mom Angela]

I don't care how you look. I just can't wait to meet you.