Summer Carnies, Had Me a Blast

My daughter is a freak for rides. I swear she can sniff them out at any and every mall -- her psychic powers of money grubbing circular horses lead us directly to the $4 carousel that goes around one time at mach speed.

And so, when the local carnival came to town, it was only fair that I took her. Or at least, offer it as a reward incentive for her taking the long lost but still highly necessary nap. I said it in passing, hoping she wouldn't really hear me, but apparently psychic ride powers also include bionic hearing and she woke up two hours later, fully dressed with shoes on the wrong feet, asking where the rides were.

So I packed up the kids and threw a bunch of old dollar bills and my mother-in-law in my bag (heh) and headed off to the carnival -- all four of us just restless with excitement to pay ridiculous amounts of money to ride on weird old rides that come with extremely long warning labels. You know it's a bad sign when a freaking carousel comes with a warning sign that basically tells you to ride their slow ass rickety pony at your own risk.

But hell if I think twice.

"Fuck yes she's tall enough. Put her on that damn horse! I've got 14 tickets here, young teenage ingrate with corks in your earlobes."

And really, my daughter was quite content riding the boats, cars, horses, dragons, and whatever else they stick a seatbelt in and make go around in circles. Until she saw the Fun House.

Now, don't be fooled. It is neither a house nor is it fun. But it's the cool thing to do. In my day, it was The Zipper. You'd go on with your "you're 'going out' but you're not really going anywhere and all you do is stand there and kind of hold hands" boyfriend, flip around and scream, and then actually hold hands for the 47.2 seconds you were on the ride before you get off and go back to being awkward weird not-so-boyfriend-girlfriends who just play weird tickle games.

But no. In this case it was the not-so-fun-not-so-house.

I looked at my mother-in-law, worn and tired from riding in circles for the last 30 minutes, and I reluctantly handed her my son and climbed up after my daughter.

Rope ladder. Ha. Please. I could win Survivor.

Short padded tunnel slide. C'mon. Give me a break.

Two tiered rickety metal bridge with no rail and no protection from falling to my death but some crappy net that I couldn't tell if it was actually connected and safe where are those fucking warning signs oh my god I'm frozen and I think I'm actually catatonic. Clearly I was about to die.

My daughter ran quickly and steadily across the bridges while I stepped cautiously across, trying to hold on for my life and not look back or down at the hordes of young elementary aged children and my mother-in-law snickering at the stupid mom who looked like she might, at any moment, crap her pants.

Now, I'm not known for my love of heights or for my bravery. I'm one of those people who will reluctantly try something but then turn it into the worst experience ever thanks to my over analytical brain.

Take water skiing, for example.

Oh fun. Weeeee skiing on water. I'm up. Oh nice view. A bit of water in my nose. Oh shit. I'm on water. And I'm skiing. And what happens if waves come. And I have to turn. And Oh-my-freaking-god I'm going to die. STOP. STOP THE BOAT.

And hence my uncanny ability to sunbathe and read rag mags on boats. And therefore, my skeeball and balloon dart shooting record known by half of South Jersey. I don't do rides, or amusement parks. Hell, I barely push a shopping cart.

But anyway, here I am teetering on a bridge when there he is. My savior.

A carnie.

A freaking chivalrous carnie meets me halfway, grabs my hand, and walks me over the bridge as I try to chuckle and thank him in a cool way with my tongue stuck halfway down my throat. He just smiled and pointed to the huge ass long tunnel slide that I now must slide down to my death without scaring the shit out of my daughter with my high-pitched screams.

So I channeled them into ridiculous fake statements using really long words like "Oh my this is splendiferrrrouuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssss" because damn I'm a good mother and my daughter will have all experiences in life and I will not taint them or put my own fears and anxieties upon her but "wow this is a spectacularrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr slide."

On the bright side, at least I have paid my "cool mom" dues for the entire year. And I'm having some wicked "hot carnie" heroic rescue sex dreams.

Comments

[delmer]

I was 'cool dad' a few weeks ago at the local swimming pool. As 'cool dad' I was asked by my middle child to go down the twisty-turny tunnel-like water slide. At the second turn my stomach flipped and made me a bit sick to my stomach. The next curve made me squeal at the point the thing became less slide and more megaphone.

My kids thought the amplified squealing was awesome!

[heather]

The last time I went to the local hick carnival a toothless carnie totally hit on me. Yeah. I still got it.

[Kara]

Oh my goodness! That is too funny. I did the opposite when looking down a really big tunnel slide that looked dark and small. I told my daughter, "That looks too scary for me." Well, it did.

[Kara]

Oh my goodness! That is too funny. I did the opposite when looking down a really big tunnel slide that looked dark and small. I told my daughter, "That looks too scary for me." Well, it did.

[In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

"splendiferrrrouuuuuuuuuuuussssss"
That made me snort (out loud).

[boomom]

Yaay for Cool Moms .... and HOT CARNIES !!

BTW, Erika's comment just made me spit my drink all over my monitor !

[suebe]

When I think Hot Carnie...did you ever see Two Moon Junction (it was in the 80's? You are a great Mom - and Fun too!!

[VirtualSprite]

Oh, man. That was too funny! I'm such a chicken on rides, too... we have a family rule where mommy doesn't go on the ferris wheel.

[Erika]

*snort*

tell me you tried to sell the MIL as a sideshow freak...

[Kristen]

Thanks Daisy. I'll be singing that all day now. :)

[Daisy]

Hot carnies? Shades of Carousel. Sing it now, "You'll ne-ver walk a-lone..."

[Dana]

This is just wrong. WRONG I say. Only because we don't have hot carnies in my town. The fellas that arrive to make the children smile, here? They have no teeth, dirty clothes and probably haven't showered in days.

Yuck.

I'm glad your carnie was much hotter.

[Phoenix]

You took your MIL? That's almost braver that the fun house.

[Jennifer]

A hot carnie? Really? Is that possible?

[Lisse]

I can't stand amusement parks, and yet, I totally get the carnie thing.

[Taste Like Crazy]

Was he really a hot carnie?

[mom 101]

Okay you just scared me for our first amusement park trip that we're taking Friday. I love amusement parks but the fact that someone just died there (her fault - no seat belt) last week is on the brain. I can only pray for thunderstorms...or hot carnie love.

[Gina]

Thanks for this, seriously. I have been trying to figure out how to not taint my son's life with all of the retarded phobias and anxieties I have recently developed, seemingly out of nowhere.

I used to be like a fish. I would swim ANYWHERE. Now, I'm completely terrified to stick my foot in Lake Michigan for fear that a shark (yes, you heard me) will jump out and eat me. Yes, it's ridiculous, but it's a totally real, totally paralyzing fear. And that's just the beginnning.

But I want my son to swim, and to experience life to the fullest. I will just have to be heavily medicated to quell the panic that will invariably strike me any time he goes near water.

"There are no sharks in Lake Michigan, Gina... Nothing will eat your son... just breath....." sigh.

[Jo-Nyc]

Best start to the day. Thanks for the laugh!

[Susan Getgood]

You are lucky they didn't have the REALLY big slide that you have to slide down on burlap bags. I mean this thing is BIG. There is no way an adult can do that with any sort of grace. And unlike the water park, where your total lack of grace and body parts hanging out all over is sort of hidden by the tubes and the cascading water, you are all out there. I did the happy dance the day my son was finally tall enough and old enough to go on these things alone!

[Woman with Kids]

Survival and hot carnie dreams? Really, I'd say the trip was a winner. And good job not screaming like a girl, which is what I totally would have done.

[Mrs. Chicky]

I'm with you, I don't do rides. I'm screwed if my kid ever wants to go to Disney World one day. Maybe I can just convince her it doesn't really exist.

But mad props to you for heading into the fun house.

[Katie]

Not only did you survive the carnival, you survived it with your mother-in-law in tow too! Now that is the impressive part :)