Detox

My husband took it upon himself to enlighten me about several of my less than admirable qualities last night as they related to the whole "mail" incident.

It's generally how his version of "a conversation" goes. Try a list of all of Kristen's shitty personality traits.

"You have a problem with authority. You cry all the time. You keep score about everything."

Apparently by not answering the phone when they call me, I'm using my daughter as a pawn in my sweet game of revenge.

So let me set the record straight.

The've called me three times. That's THREE more times than they have EVER called me.

To tell me that they were sorry for barrelassing me over my own wedding. To tell me they were sorry for saying mean things behind my back to my best friend. To tell me they were sorry about my miscarriages, the mean things they said to Quinlan and their almost total lack of involvement in her life when she was living there.

Then there's the bras, the shoes on the bed, the ass smacking, and everything else that I've documented.

Scorekeeper? Abso-fucking-lutely!

So, as I told my husband, excuse me if I'm not so motivated to pick up the phone and hand it over to Quinlan so she can talk to them.

Admittedly I have felt stifled in my attempts to discuss what's really bothering me about my in-laws. I write about them here because making light of it is the only way I can deal with the immense hurt they have caused me. And while my husband has talked to them about some (just some) of the things that have happened, there's been no resolution. No apologies. 

And I'm pissed. I'm resentful. And I'm totally unsympathetic to their plight.

But because I'm not a bitch, I did apologize for not letting them know about their mail. And chances are, if they call, I will answer the phone and hand it to Quinlan so she can talk to her grandparents because that is important. Her untainted view of them, at least until they screw her over, is of high priority to me.

And they did let us live there for free. The least I could do is let her tell them she doesn't want to talk to them. (She's not much of a phone conversationalist) 

But I've realized that there's just no point holding onto this shit. All the crap that my husband pulled the first year of my daughter's life. All the crap they pulled and continue to pull. It does me absolutely no good to keep crying over this stuff anymore because I've got bigger fish to fry.

I'm struggling here.

Being alone in this house for up to five days at a time is a challenge. There are cool neighbors, friendly bloggers, and a great city to distract me from my loneliness and general overwhelm. But even though my children are freaking top notch, having at least one of them in my presence for more than half the day almost every day is exhausting.

No, it's mind numbing.

So the last thing I needed to hear from my husband is how incredibly mean of a person I must be to not call my asshole in-laws so they can talk to their granddaughter.

Because guess what? I already feel pretty terrible about myself.

I've yelled at my daughter two more times than I ever have before (that would be never). All I want to do in any of my free time is sleep. And I'm tired of feeling like a shell -- a transparent being that just barely exists. To feed the kids, to clean the house, to write a funny post. I feel totally and utterly unmemorable.

But that doesn't start with anyone but me.

I think I need to clear a little space in my soul for some goodness before my toilet overflows with all this crap.

So maybe I'm not going soft. Maybe I'm just learning how to let go.

And I'll deal with my husband later.

Comments

[MommyWithAttitude]

You are overwhelmed and without immediate support. Being all alone with two small children all the time is draining. I went through some very dark days during that time too and I didn't have all the other crap you have to deal with.

In short, you are still in there, and you'll emerge again -- even better. And you're totally memorable.

[fidget]

I get it

and I have shitty neighbors

[slackermommy]

I hear ya! Sometimes life gets to heavy and like you I want to shut down, climb in bed and not wake up until everyone starts playing nice again.

[TB]

Thinking of you and hoping you find a sitter soon.

And what "authority" is it that you supposedly have a problem with? Your in-laws? Because the last time I checked, they aren't supposed to be authority figures.

You know I'm here to help in any way and that I'm right there in the trenches in my own way. You're not alone.

[Girl con Queso]

For starters, you are completely and utterly memorable. In a good way. Blessings and space and sleep to you, my friend. You. are. great.

[Christina]

Finally catching up on blog reading...

You are a amazing, talented woman, and your husband needs to shut it regarding any faults he may think you need to hear. Does he run (at least?) two businesses, write several blogs AND take care of the house and kids all at the same time? No, he only has one job, and probably gets to sleep peacefully for at least 8 hours every night. He, and his parents, are in no position to criticize.

As for tainting your daughter's view of their grandparents, I wouldn't worry. My mother never said a bad thing about my father when I was little. I found out he was someone I didn't like all on my own. Q will find out what her grandparents are like, too.

I'm sorry things are so rough, and I hope you get some free time soon.

[Lisse]

I'm sure that it would be a lot easier not to hold a grudge if the behavior changed. My mother doesn't get that either.

I think husbands have a really hard time understanding the crying and the loneliness. They just never really experience what it is like to be mentally and emotionally drained by the neediness of children. And when you are that empty there is nothing left to do but cry. I have sooo been there. I just wish your husband could at least be sympathetic.

[MsRebecca]

In-laws are like gray pubic hairs, even one of them is waaay too many.. My ex b[itch]in law makes me dry heave.. If she was crawling by the side of the road trying to hitch a ride, I would run her ass over at full speed, back over her and do it again, I have a bleeding ulcer with her name all over it..

I feel for you lady..

[crunchycarpets]

which is why I am glad my in laws are dead.
And I do not feel bad for thinking or saying such a thing.

SHE was a mean woman who caused nothing but drama.

Stand up and tell him to grow the fuck up....he wasn't there the whole time....he wasn't in the trenches with you.

[Heathe]

Hey girl, we emailed back and forth a week ago or so.

You know what? Fuck your inlaws. My inlaws are like yours. I call them outlaws.

They insulted me several times at my wedding, have called CPS on us, have lied to us.

With time your hubs will pull back. You owe his family nothing. They are *his* family. Does he bust his ass to facilitate your kids relationships with your parents? No? Well, I'm sorry he chose a career that meant he wasn't home everyday. I'm sorry his family is reaping the consequences of their choices.

Yeah, this is a huge sore spot for me.

I don't answer the phone when it's the outlaws either.

Isolated? Get thy ass to ATL. Shoot, bring the kids.

Hope you are doing better. It's tough. Nothing like isolation from what was supposed to be a joining of two families...

[Mama Nabi]

Kristen... long time viewer/lurker/reader... you and I should meet some day (damn, now I sound like a stalker) and compare notes. I think we won the same prize at the spouse/in-laws carnival.

I feel some (if not a lot) of your pain...hang in there.

[mothergoosemouse]

Having just had a visit with my own in-laws, I must admit that letting go has worked well for me. It has taken a lo-o-ong time though - with resentment dating all the way back to the first time I met them - and I never had to live with them.

Let go. Some things will never ever change.

[Therese]

Just an observation--your inlaws do not have fingers or a phone of their own? You have withheld your phone number from them?

[dana]

Alleluia! I am so happy you let it all out. I'm just a little disappointed -- I didn't see an F-bomb up there! ;)

In all seriousness though, I do hope you are able to clear your head and take some time for yourself. That's what you need. To be alone with yourself.

I really wish I could take your kids to the park for a day -- just to give you some time!

-hugs-

Love you, K. You are so strong. I admire you for that-- and I hope you get the time you need.

[Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You]

Asshat of the Year awards next week.

I am told all the time that I need to take some time for myself - but HOW?

It's utter bullshit to have to deal with crap from the inlaws on a major scale like you've had to and then just smile and accept more bullshit from the husband.

I know more about this than I can possibly tell you in a comment.

At least you haven't been told (although I'm sure you wish you had been) to never fucking set foot on their property ever again.

Of course, inside, I was all "YEAHHHHHHHH THANK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!" but they did it in front of my kids, and that shit doesn't FLY.

Sigh.

I know how you feel - I need to let it go but it's really REALLY hard when hub just sits back and is all "oh, that's just HIM".

WTF. Yeah let it go my ass LOL

[chel]

my heart is heavy for you.
i just wanted to add my two cents of advise.
get a cleaner...seriously, hear me out... it's amazing what a pro can get done in an hour(or two) without distraction. and the best bit is you can take the kiddo's somewhere super fun and get to be fun mum without having to think about what you need to get done. it's the best time of the week, you get to actually enjoy the little people you love the best and know you're going home to a clean house.
it won't cure the in-laws of their assholeness, it won't make your hubby all that he should be for you (sorry, didn't want to speak bad of him), but it will give you a break from cleaning the bathroom, that's gotta be good for the soul!

sending you huggs of support.

[Karen Rani]

I haven't read all the comments but I was always of the understand that once you married, you stuck by your spouse no matter what. Sounds like hubby needs to speak up and defend you to them.
And for God's sake, go do something for YOU. *smooch*

[jodi]

As someone who has major in-inlaws problems I can totally relate. I also have a hard time leting everything go. You know why, when people hurt you, it's hard.

I didn't read through all the comments but I suggest therapy.

[Hyphen Mama]

There are 2 things that keep crossing my mind when I read Kristen's blog and all the comments that follow.

My mother-in-law hated, HATED, her own mother-in-law and all but forced her husband to stop speaking to his whole family. My mom hated her mother-in-law. It seems like a running theme... hate the mother-in-law, then become the hated mother-in-law. And I keep asking myself: How the heck do you go from being the hater to the hated? At what point do you become *that* person? Do you get to a certain age when you've raised your kids and decide that you now are entitled to say whatever you wish (be it offensive, malicious, etc) to their spouse? Or is it a personality trait you've always had and now you're old and this new spouse is the only one not buying into your shit?

And don't you think these mothers-in-law thought they did a great job with their boys? As I'm raising a boy, I keep thinking "I'll teach him better. I won't leave him unprepared for the world, like SHE did with my husband. I won't suffocate his future wife." What the hell? I'll be the one saying "He was raised better than that" while my future d-i-l stifles a laugh.

On a funny note. A few months ago I was surfing Ihatemyinlaws.com and found this term that I've laughed about over and over. This woman wrote a post and refers to her mil as "Evil Queen Vomita". I LOVE IT!!! I must use that!

[Amy]

Geez, I'm sorry I rambled on and on and on....it didnt feel that long when I was typing!!

[Amy]

Kristin, I feel for what you are going through, I have a fickle, love/hate relationship with my in-laws, but it only got that way AFTER my marriage. They had this grand idea that they raised a perfect son and somehow by marrying me, I destroyed all their hard work and turned their perfect son into an unmotivated slacker. In actuality though, they basically sent an ill-prepared, irresponsible young man off to college and then through the years as the reality of things set in, they have slowly but surely come to see that is exactly what I still have 20 years later.

Yes, I thought when I married him that with responsibilites would come that maturity, and well, responsibility, but no...he still waits for someone (me or his parents) to swoop in and take control of all his ventures and do the last 20% of the job that is always left. This applies to everything from household projects he attempts, to major business debt management to sex. (Usually the 20% sex I take care of, NOT relying on his parents in that department, thank you.)

I think it really pisses my inlaws that they HAVE to take some responsibility for the son they raised, failing to fully equip their pride and joy for the real world, but many many times, it was easier to focus that disappointment and blame on ME. A few well-versed 'Fuck you's' disguised in the form of "Bless your heart" and kicking my father in laws ass under the table in a game or two of Trivial Pursuit has let them know that they weren't dealing with the average 'redneck', (as I have been called-to my face) nor were their children 'raised better than that' (also said to my face).

Anyway, thats my plight, and I do understand how dealing with 'holier than thou' people, "MY CHILD DOES NO WRONG/YOU'RE LUCKY TO BE MARRIED TO HIM" can make you crazy, especially when you know you are the one, the glue, holding it all together. By letting go, you can accomlish a lot, in so many ways. Free yourself and teach them a lesson about your strength. I rather think they are probably jealous and/or fearful of your independence. I know for a fact my in-laws greatest fear is that I will leave my husband because you know where that would put him?? ON THEIR DOORSTEP.

I want to ask though, if I may, and if it is none of my business, fine. Please know, I don't ask this in a judgemental way either. Why did you marry him? It sounds like you had an idea about his family beforehand. Was it just pressure of having a child together and not being married, and if so, who did that come from? Or do you feel at the time you truly loved your husband and wanted to marry him?

I DO hope things get better for you (hell, for us all!)

[Lady M]

Good luck with the sitter - I hope it works out. Even if the kids are sniffly when you leave, DO IT and get a break!

You're a smart and strong lady.

[Phoenix]

I can't seem to figure out how to applaud you over a screen. Letting go is a huge thing. I wish you tons of luck with it.

ANd I hope the sitter works out. Some you time is an important thing.

[Melissa]

Kristen,
You sound like a great mom to me.
And a very understanding wife.
You need to take breaks for yourself.
Yes, find a sitter for a couple times a week and go be Kristen!
Your hubby has no idea what is going on, so next time he is home
you take off for a day or okay half a day and go be by yourself.
Let him see just how easy it is.
Yeah, right.

I had the MIL from hell.
I was not good enough at all for her son, no matter what I did.
Then I had the nerve to give her
2 Grandsons, not Granddaughters like she wanted.
Then they developed autism.
She has almost no contact with them at all. She has said my sons
are damaged children.
And of course, not girls.
She has caused me immense heartbreak. I do not miss her at all.
Stand your ground girl.
Your hubby should be defending you.
You are his wife and family now.
Love your writings and your spirit!

[Kristen]

I agree with you whole heartedly MD. It's not fair for me to taint her view of them.

I'm sure I'll have enough to apologize to her for later in life. I don't want keeping her from her grandparents to be one of them.

[canape]

I wish that your family could hear the things you say here. And that they could hear them with non-defensive ears. I wish that it would then make a difference.

I hadn't read your post about your miscarriages before. It was amazing. And I'm sorry for your losses.

[Mrs. Chicky]

If I had brass balls I'd say what Heathersway said. But I don't, so I'll just say "Ditto".

For real, drop the guilt. It gets you nowhere except deeper into a hole. Love thyself, friend. Love your kids too and do what's best for them. Everything else is a distant second.

[MetroDad]

Between me and you, Kristen, I'm not the biggest fan of either my parents or my in-laws. Yes, I love them all immensely but if I had my way, contact would be generally kept to a minimum. I've got enough shit to deal with in my life.

The only problem is that I grew up without ever having any grandparents and I know that was something that I desperately missed. So now, for the sake of my daughter, I force myself to go that extra mile and make sure that everyone gets enough of the Peanut. For her sake, not mine. Does this please me? No. But like everything else in my life, I do it for my daughter. So I put up with everything else. Solely for the love of my daughter.

As for your husband? Feh...he needs to get on your team. You fucking rock. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

[Vicky]

I get along great now with my former MIL, unfortunately it took divorcing her son for us to see eye to eye.
However, being within the maelstrom of in laws, attitudes and pre-concieved notions is an entirely different animal.
This is not to say that one cannot improve the in law situation without divorce.
I am rooting for you, Kristen. Your blog and writing are one of the simple pleasures that I have at the end of a long day. Thank you.

[Heather]

In-laws suck.

And I don't think you owe them a thing for living in their house. If anything they should thank you for giving them that time with their grandchildren.

And the other Heather down there is sooo right. It's your husband who needs to apologize...you're doing all the sacrificing for him and his career.

Maybe you need to leave him in charge of the kids for a week or so? My husband always gets a new perspective when I'm sick for a couple of days.

[Hyphen Mama]

The blogosphere is this generation of mother's new village! Our ancestors had their sisters, mothers, female cousins living near them to help and be sounding boards for these things. Today we don't have the support systems they once had. Rant, rant, rant away Sister...we're here for you!

2 months before my second baby was born, I started therapy to find out why I "couldn't just get along" with my parents-in-law (those were my DH's words). It took 8 weeks, and a LOT of my husband's money, but I finally got to the AHA moment and realized that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many vacations I shared with them and they ruined, I would NEVER do anything that would appease them. Never. Feeling guilty for "all that they do" for us went out the window, too. The word 'narcissist' and research of its proper medical meaning was what finally made me smile and say "It's not me who can't get along." It was at that point that I was able to create boundaries and insist they abided by them (they live 5 miles from me). I was finally a confident woman, capable of defining my role vs their role in my husband's life. I told my husband if they wanted to call and speak to my daughter, they should call HIS cell phone on nights when he was home. Otherwise, the phone would go unanswered. For me, having a professional look at the PAGES (YES I kept track, if we don't jot it down, our minds will explode with it all) where they had insulted, disregarded and offended me, made all the difference. I also worked with the therapist to no longer hold my husband responsible for their bad behavior (that did not get him off the hook of running interference). There is also something known as Child-of-Narcissist that shows how these kids have learned early on NOT TO ROCK THE BOAT with their narcissistic parents. Honestly, the last year of our marriage since the therapy has been the best of the whole 8 1/2 year marriage, since I called off the wedding and we eloped (completely and utterly because of his must-control-everything MOTHER).

Good luck with the sitter search. Heck, I've been in the same house & city for 9 years and still don't have the guts to find a sitter and leave my kids for some time by myself!! Must get back to therapy for that!

[Susan Getgood]

Next time your husband is home for a couple days, can you take half a day just for yourself. Go to a spa, sit in an Internet cafe and surf for Mominatrix material, shop for shoes, whatever you want to do. No kids. No husband. No inlaws. Just whatever YOU want to do.

[Suebob]

oops, I quoted the WeirdGirl, not KissinBee. But still.

[Suebob]

"One of the least unmemorable women I have met" - I'll have to agree with KissinBee on that one.

You are gorgeous, you are smart, you are hilarious, you are hard-working, educated, talented, a great mother, tall...what more does Mr PrizeWinner want? If he had one tiny ounce of brains, he would fall down on the floor and praise God that he has an amazing woman for you like a wife.

I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. Take a look around! Who do you know that is as amazing as you? Well, Liz and Catherine, but damn few others, right? Right! Admit it.

Do not let him make you feel bad about yourself. If you need counseling, get counseling. If he needs his ass kicked, call me. I know a guy.

[the weirdgirl]

Just for the record, you are one of the least unmemorable women I've met!

Think about... if you let go of your "scoreboard" of past hurts, then you can let the comments from your husband and in-laws go too. Just let them all roll right off. They're not your issues so they're not your problem. Don't change your behavior for them (or worry about changing for them).

Now go for a drive, play your music really loud, roll down the windows and scream!

[Lia]

Shew!
I wish commenting was really helpful to you. The exhaustion and lonliness of these long early mothering days, trying to establish yourself in a new city, and earn an income, make a home, find a place for those glasses, all that shite. You reduce things to the absurd to make us all laugh, but really, it sounds to me that you need some practical help. Is nursery for a couple of mornings a week an option? A baby sitter once a week so you can go for a swim, or a run or a yoga class, something just for you?

I wish I could help, can I help?

[Damselfly]

Sounds pretty awful. You're right, of course, continuing to cry over past hurts doesn't help. You've just left their house and they're still making you miserable. Time to just look forward.

[brighton]

YOU OWE THEM NOTHING. Trust me on that one. I hear where you are, really I do. We, and by "we" I mean "I", have not spoken to my husbands parents since they searched out and read my blog to the entire family back in January. There was a blissful period of a year and a half before that where we had nothing to do with them. I went back, tried again, and what did it get me? More heartache and a big ol prescription for anti-depressants. Tell hubby to stop skirting the issue- YOU are his wife, YOU are his family, he should stick up for YOU not criticize you because you have enough common sense not to let people treat you like shite under the label of "family".
Sorry, sensitive subject for me ; )

[KissinBee]

Living with your in laws was NOT free. It just didn't cost you any *money*.

It took my husband 10 years to see the light outside his mothers vagina. Definatly worth the wait. Now we both dodge their calls and hold onto one another for warmth in the cold chill of their presance.

Hang in there.

[Kristin]

i'm going to agree with Bossy here. Hold the in-laws at a great distance. You do not owe them anything. I don't care if they PAID YOU for living in their home, the way they treated you and your family is unacceptable. Meaning, you do NOT have to accept it!!!! From now on, know that they are your husbands parents and your children's grandparents and nothing more. If they want to talk to your daughter on the phone, they can call her. Send them pictures of her via email once a month and do not write anything. If they respond back, delete the email and delete it from your life. Less is more here for your sanity. As far as your husband goes... that's a hard one. I am in a SLIGHTLY similar boat as my husband is in the Army and is away often. I read a great quote from a blog and I think it needs to be told to your husband "It does not matter what we do during the day, we're all full time parents" when he is home, he needs to parent and be a husband. That's it. Tell him what you expect of him in a non-nagging way and do not accept less. Try to find a sitter, friends, a group. And if all else fails when you are really lonely, take the kids to the local wal-mart and just walk around. You'll certaintly at least be amused. :) Cheer up Charlie!

[Kristen]

It's BIG LOVE because I want to marry Jenine too.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[Jenine]

I'm sincerely sorry for your plight, Kristin. I don't have the in-law problem, but I have two kids under the age of 4 and it certainly feels like my brain is going to mush while my husband works long hours and manages to find free time for his own personal interests while I apparently have been declared the unspoken but official babysitter and have no free time for myself. So I do know a little about how you feel.

I'm sure that advice may not be particularly asked for here but here's mine anyway...

My guess is that since you vent so much in your blogs (much to the enjoyment of others to be able to read such wonderful writing), you probably don't actually vent so much out in the open at home. Again, that's just my guess - I might be all wrong. It's not good to keep all this in. Because eventually it WILL come out and probably at the most inopportune time. The strongest advice I can give is to start with your husband. He's your partner, and the father of your children, and he can and SHOULD be your strongest and fiercest advocate and be a MAJOR part of your support system. If he's not doing his job, then he should be informed. Maybe he doesn't know what you need from him. Men are dense (no offense to your male readers - but you are and you know it). Sometimes they don't get the message. They often don't pick up on little clues that we, as women, pick up on very naturally. Tell him what you need. Straight, to the point, and without nagging. That's what works with my husband. He seems to turn a deaf ear to everything else. Believe me, I've tried a variety.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope this gets better for you very soon.

[Kelly]

Heather said it, 100%. And said it so well she got a marriage proposal.

Your in-laws have demonstrated time and again NOT to be generous or particularly loving people. Your animosity towards them is completely understandable, as is your current state of exhaustion and numbness.

And goddam, I hate saying shit like this because it seems less than supportive and totally unhelpful, but your husband should totally appreciate you, love you, support you, rather than cut you down.

[mandy]

You just described my life, with children. Love it but it gets lonely for sure. Thankfully, I have you. ;)

[JChase]

I wish I was around so I could help you out. Have you met any friends out there that might be able to watch the kids for at least a little while so you can have a bit of time to yourself to de-stress? I wish I could help you...

[Michele]

My inlaws drive me crazy, and my husband doesnt get why it bothers me so much to have to keep up a facade of chummyness. I ignore their calls, but then he sees them on caller ID and wants to know why I didnt answer. It is amazing how many times I "had the kids in the tub" when they called. He just doesnt get it. I have had to go in-law free since my husband read a silly little rant I wrote about them on my blog. I agreed, for his sake, that publicly they were off limits. But privately, I want to scream.
I think you are amazing.

[new to the blog]

I really enjoy reading your blog. I feel the same way that you do and it is nice to know that there are other people going thru the same issues. I have inlaw problems that would make someone's head spin. Sometimes I feel so alone with my kids and being by myself a large percentage of the time. thank you for writing you are saving people one post at a time.

[Kristen]

Heather -

Will you marry me?

Motherhood Uncensored

--

And thank you SO much everyone! I actually found a sitter today and I'll be meeting with her on Friday.

[Marsha]

You are such a gifted writer. I hope getting this all out there will help you feel better.

[heathersway]

I have heard you say it a few times, "and they did let us live there for free." Enough already! If this is your own personal guilt trip, knock it off and if this is your husband's then he can stick it in his ear. The in-laws did not do it for you and you did not do it for them. It's time for your man to step up. They are HIS parents, this is HIS career, this is HIS responsibility. If you are making these sacrifices so that he can chase his career then he needs to say thank-you and bring you the biggest boquet of flowers or whatever is your thing. He is a father and a husband and if he convinced his parents to stand in for him for a time (however inadequately) then HE is the one that needs to kiss their collective ass. You, my friend, have enough to worry about.

[Cindi]

I welled up with a huge lump in my throat reading this.

I don't comment all the time but I thought you should know that I am in agreement with everyone else here in the belief that you are one, incredibly strong woman. I was a single parent for 7 years so I know all too well the struggles, frustration and loneliness you feel. It can be overwhelming. You need to find a way for you to have some time for you. Running on empty all the time will take it's toll. Those babies need a whole mommy. I know you want to give them that. I wish I had a wand to wave it all away.

I wish I could give you a hug, or take the kids for a few hours (or days..hehe) and give you a break. If you are ever in So Cal, you have a free sitter :)

[Hetha]

I'm a lurker who loves you! You have really inspired me, just as HBM said. It may or may not help to know this, but I thought I'd say it anyway, just because your blog has given me many a smile on some dark days.

(hey, you get to hang with OTJ in person, you lucky dog!)

[Oh, The Joys]

Okay then, tofu eater. Come over. 5:30?

[Gina]

Not that I'm advocating this in the slightest, but I felt exactly the same way you did until I finally let them put me on the little blue pills for post-partum depression (a full YEAR after I gave birth.) Man, I really hated myself for awhile, and life was just so hard.

You clearly need some help, either from the absent husband, from some friends, or from some little blue pills. Sounds like you're doing a whole lot alone right now. No mother should have to do that. But we all feel so weak when we can't run the world (or at least our house.)

Take comfort in the fact that your blog readers won't judge you for the way you put up with your asshole-in-laws, and I assume that most women reading your posts are having (or have had) all the same feelings you're dealing with now.

We all like your "shitty" personality traits! ;)

[Heather]

The Ass-law egg is a BIG HUGE one to drain. I've made progress in the 3.5 years but I haven't fully released the resentment either.

I wish I had some wise words for you. Many hugs and thoughts for you.

[SoCalledSupermom]

There isnt a "right" thing to say after a post like this one. But I wanted you to know, even if it sounds cliche, that I am feeling the same way lately...working my ass off but its still not enough and no one likes what I am doing but they sure do know how to bitch about it!!! Maybe just knowing that you are really not alone in these feelings will help.

Oh, you are completely memorable!!! I look forward every single morning to "visit" you online. And when I come to Atlanta in March....I will call you and we will have dinner and drinks and have a blast!!!

[Kristen]

J -

As a former vegan and current Asian, I'm a huge fan of tofu.

:)

[Her Bad Mother]

Soul enema. A bit grotty, but clears the existential pipes.

You, my friend, are a trooper of the highest order. An inspiration. You struggle, and you share your struggle, and so make it easier for other mothers to struggle. I know that that's small consolation when you're feeling existentially bunged up, but it really is huge. HUGE.

Do what you need to do to clear the pipes. We're all cheering you on.

[PunditMom]

All I can say is you are one amazing woman to be able to deal with everything you've written about and still maintain some semblance of sanity. I wish I was there to give you a hug, or buy you a martini -- or both.

[Nancy]

I'm sorry, Kristen. That totally sucks. Just do only what you need to cope -- worry about yourself and your kids first -- and don't let anyone guilt you into giving energy to anyone who won't reciprocate.

[Oh, The Joys]

You are supposed to call me when you're feeling like this.

Want to come over for dinner. (Though I have to be honest -- and you won't be surprised -- we really are having... you guessed it... Tofu.)

xo,
J

[In the Trenches of Mommyhood]

What a raw post. Feeling sympathetic to your pain.

[Justmylife]

I feel your pain. I have been there and back, the kids grow up, the in laws, well they never go anyway completely, even in death they will haunt you!! It does get better. God be with you.

[Mrs. Chicken]

Oh, Kristen. I wish I was there to help you. But as you say, there is only so much help that a person can give when you are in this position. If it helps, I know how you feel and what you are talking about here.

You are not terrible. You are strong and you are special. This too will pass. I promise.

In the meantime, you need to find a sitter for Drew. You must do that. For all of you.

[Lora]

I am so sorry this is working out to be so hard for you. Any chance that some of what you are feeling may be part of post-partum depression? Just a thought (as someone who has been through it herself). I just moved into our own home 2 weeks ago after living with my in-laws for 24 weeks and 1 day (who's counting)... I have horror stories as well. Now, my MIL is trying to lay the guilt trip on my DH about leaving her. We moved out 2 weeks ago and since then, DH has been out of town for 7 days and works roughly 16 hours a day when he's home. She's mad at him because he's not calling her. In her words, he's mad at his father and therefore taking it out on her. Huh? Too many bad memories and stories to share but just know that I, also, feel your pain and hope that you have some way to get through it all.

[Amy]

My husband also has an amazing ability to take any argument and make it my fault. I seriously could talk to him about leaving his dirty shoes on the carpet, and he'd find a way to say, "Well, if you hadn't left the carpet there..." and make it make sense.

We were both on the high school debate team, I should've seen this coming. (Yes, I am a big nerd).

[diatribal]

I feel your pain. While I only have one child, I am with her 24/7 in a new town where I don't know anyone...all while my hubby dearest is at work 6 day a week (with some overnights). I'm so sorry that it is going this rough for you. If you find the secret to survival, be sure and share it!

Here's to hoping it all gets better soon...

[Anne Glamore]

Just wondering how y'all are managing to raise kids without yelling.

It's pretty much the crux of my much-admired parenting technique.

Hang in there, K.

[Ree]

My ex and his family were similar. Amazing how it was always my fault. No matter what I needed to vent about in my life, it was because I was obviously deficient in some way.

Vent all you want. We're here for you.

[BOSSY]

Bossy has known people who have written off familial relationships when they darken their dooryard.

Bossy stopped just shy of that, but instead held her in-laws at a comfortable distance. It was a decision, it was discussed, and the exact perimeters were laid out.

This saved Bossy from losing chunks of her soul, event by idiot in-law event.

[HMFT]

Been there. Done that.

Feel you.

[wyliekat]

Mmm. Sounds like a fabulous week. Isolation is something that eats at our brains so quickly. More than anything else. As a suddenly single mommy, I've been discovering that, too. I don't know that I have any kind of solution for you, except asking you to remember that you *are* isolated, and that this is a tough thing. Longer term - you need to make arrangements to get the hell out of the house from time to time.

[Katherine]

Kristen,
You are much stronger than you give your self credit. Your blogs have been inspiring me since I had my daughter nearly 2 years ago. No one in their right mind would say that you have not had it pretty rough. Now that you are out of that in-law hell hole it is bound to get better. Maybe you are just going through detox - purging all their negative crap they piled on you and your family. Wish they knew what the word "boundaries" meant!
Sending positive thoughts your way!

[Trish]

My god you have to put up with a lot of crap from that family you married into. What are they all doing? Waiting to see just how much you can handle before you really lose it? Your husband needs to make daily sacrifices to the Blog Gods to thank them for giving you an outlet for all your venting, thus sparing him and his revolting parents the thorough verbal lashing they all deserve. I seriously think you are being far too nice to all of them, and they are all taking advantage of that.

Your husband's "list" is breathtakingly disrespectful. I haven't the words. Well, I do, but I have my own blog.

If you hold them all down, I'll happily beat them senseless then poke their eyes out with a Cone.

[Kelly]

Like Jill I never yelled at the first until the after second arrived. Now I yell all the time. Part of it is the stress of two so young, part of it I'm sure is that the oldest is in the terrible stages. 2 is bad, 3 is worse. Knowing that makes it a tiny bit easier to deal with. Thankfully the youngest (a tiny bit older than Drew) is entering the magical stage of wonderful where he's easier to deal with and I can focus more on the hell child.

[Jill]

I never yelled at my first child until I had the second. Now the younger one just assumes I am and have always been a yeller. You've got an immense amount of pressure on you right now; put the in-laws out of your mind. You need to go to bed as soon as the kids are down, regardless of the state of the house, get a babysitter for a few hours to go out alone, even if just for a haircut or pedicure.

[ImpostorMom]

I'm so sorry you're struggling and I totally feel your pain. It sucks to feel like all you do is eat and breathe your family and then have the one adult in the mix crap on you when he should be telling you how wonderful you are.

All I do is work and take care of the house and our son but my husband has the amazing knack of pointing out all the crap I do wrong, wtf?! Maybe if he got home from work more than 10 minutes before our son goes to bed then I would have an opportunity to clean off the kitchen table before passing out for the evening.

It's not totally the same but I get it and it sucks. Hang in there and try to let stuff go. It's not easy but it does help I think. I have daddy issues myself and I decided when I got pregnant that the best thing for all of us was just to let it go and not place any expectations on that relationship, seems to be working so far. At least there is less crying about it.

[the new girl]

Aw, kid.

Space clearing is good. It really is. Hard to do sometimes but pretty much always worth it. I can relate to the feelings you're having.

Especially the part about all you want to do is sleep.

Thinking of you and missing you huge.