Domestic Zero.

*I interrupt this festival of rant-eous commentry to give you Facebook's response to why breastfeeding pictures are out, but pictures of starving girls, half-naked ladies, and a plethora of other disgusting photos are just dandy. And I still say, go deactivate your account.

I like housecleaning about as much as I like changing poopy diapers. While it's not terribly painful, it has to be done a bit more than I would prefer. And if I made enough money, I'd happily pay someone else to do it.

Clearly, I will not be the woman who was known for her clean house. And honestly, who wants to be? The lady with nice ass? Perhaps.

But no one wants their eulogy to include how "sparkling she kept her kitchen floor."

At least that's my excuse.

The huz seems to think otherwise.

He can barely drop his luggage and change his clothes before he starts vacuuming the floor. The floor that I had just vacuumed three-hours prior to his arrival home.

"If you had done right, then I wouldn't have to do it again" he explained.

Okay, Dad.

"Do you know anyone who JUST takes care of the kids and does nothing else?" he continues.

But I did clean... the toilet with your fucking toothbrush.

Now, keep in mind my husband likes to clean the kitchen floor with a spray bottle and paper towels. No swiffer, mop, or any combination thereof will do the floor any justice.

And therefore, I'm a slob.

Based on his description, you'd think we live in total squalor, when in fact, I spend a good part of my day cleaning up, washing dishes, blogging, cooking, doing laundry, paying bills, unpacking boxes, folding laundry, blogging, putting away dishes, and sweeping floors.

Oh. And parenting. Right. Those kids.

But he sees the pee stains my daughter leaves on the potty and all hell breaks loose.

If he were consistently clean (be glad I didn't take a picture of our closet or rather "room where it looks like someone vomited all of my husband's clothes") and didn't make it seem like I'm a total slacker because I'm not vacuuming every single day of the week, then it would be tolerable.

Hell, it would be fan-fucking-tastic.

But let's all remember who his parents are.

Yeah. Don't worry. He doesn't get my pity for that anymore either.

And so, I'm almost paralyzingly perplexed as to what to do. Do people vacuum every day? Do people clean the bathroom more than once a week, or maybe every two weeks if it looks okay? How often are other people mopping the floor?

But other than create a freaking schedule and checklist for myself (since, hellloooo I'm the only one living here for most of the week) or take a survey of women to offer some concrete proof, I'm not sure how to remedy the situation.

However, someone better lighten up pretty quickly because a domestic zero is waaaaaaaay better than the zero he's about to see in another room of the house.

---

Don't be a zero. Buy your tickets. More items JUST added to the pot! Including Starbucks Gift Certificates!

 

Comments

[Suburban Turmoil]

My husband is the opposite- He's a slob, and with four kids in addition to him, it's really, really hard to keep things clean around here. But. I'll tell you what helps.

-My pink Dyson. :)

-Clorox wipes and a toilet brush in every bathroom (as one reader suggested). Wipe down the toilet every other day or so and swish around the bowl and you'll never have to deep clean.

-For that matter, the whole Flylady concept of 15 minutes here and there every day is a really good one. It makes everything manageable, particularly with small children.

-But the big one for me? I host playgroup here every week. My pride keeps the house clean. And man, does it feel good for the rest of the day, after everyone has left, to have a sparkly clean home. Downstairs, anyway. Upstairs, it pretty much stays a pit.

[bitsy parker]

What a mean bitchy, too familiar comment left by Charming Driver.

I'm writing with empathy, as I am married to Mr. Clean. The other night we had a big party and I watched him at midnight frantically cleaning. It's his deal. Not mine. It's your husband's emotional deal - not yours. Shrug it off.

[ParisPerson]

I'm late in commenting on this 'cause I've been thinking about it. I was raised in the 50s but my mother worked full-time outside the home so I started doing housework in my teens. I stopped vacumming about 34 yrs ago, shortly after getting married, on the allergy Dr's orders (the vacumming, not the marriage). So hubby had to take that over (+ the dusting). With no help, the house was vacummed maybe once a week, maybe less often. And pre-children, when I was in grad school, the rule became "the cook doesn't do dishes", a rule still in force. But not helpful to you, yet. During my pregnacies & when children were young,and I was a SAHM, I had a cleaning person once a week. When working outside home full-time, had a cleaning lady 2x week. Taking care of my kids always took priority over cleaning house. I belong to the same club as some of the other commentators: "if it bothers you, then you clean it." which is why I stopped going into my daughter's room when she became a teenager. My lovely cleaning lady just fired me (after 14 yrs) as I no longer work, the kids are grown up and have left, and all our pets are gone. So it's not worth her travel time to come out to our house (3 hr. round trip commute. She will still come once a month just so we can see one another. So the house will now probably be vacummed once a month, unless the hubs does it in between her visits. Since I am a clean kitchen and bathroom freak, this means I wipe down the counters and such regularly (every day). Only wash the floor when I stick to it. My MIL's house was always clean, but she also always had help, even though she never had an outside job.
And, most importantly, my hubs never critized the state of the house unless he was suggesting we both clean it up.
So I endorse all the others; especially the don't clean before he comes home cause he'll just redo it anyway so why waste your time. I don't know if I could have coped as you are when my children were the age of yours if my husband had traveled frequently and I didn't have cleaning help.
And if he doesn't shape up, throw the bastard out.

[CharmingDriver]

Every post about him is seemingly asking for approval to actively dislike him or permission to divorce him. Why stay with someone you dislike and who isn't able to appreciate, enjoy or much less like you?

I apologize, sincerely, for being overly forward and too familiar, Kristen but you're better than this; better than this whole situation (up to and including living with the in-laws). I hope one day, soon, you will see that for the sake of you and your kids.

[SummerM]

Ugh. I agree with the strike idea. Just don't clean anything, then let him see what it would really look like. Then take off for a couple days at a local spa. Or at least dram about that last part. ;)

[TB]

You can come live with me where the toilets get cleaned every so often and the floor gets mopped once in a blue moon.
I did buy a high tech vacuum cleaner with the intention of keeping the floors extra clean because Myles is all over them... I've used it once.

[Hyphen Mama]

Clean the bathroom once a week? I'm laughing my ass off. I clean the bathroom when there is stuff growing in the toilet, and not one minute before. I have to vacuum every single day so I call that my martyrdom of cleanliness (because I have 2 dark haired dogs that by some miracle of the universe are able to lose a pound of hair a day on my floors...even when they're outside). Mopping? *stifling a laugh* Sheesh...get darker colored floors.

I once read something that said "A clean house is a sign of a life wasted." I printed it out and hung it in the kitchen, next to a picture my daughter and I had painted that day...in lieu of cleaning.

I LOVE Amy's comment: "You complain about it (it being anything from the condition of the house, yard, or what I cook for dinner) and you are doing it from now on." I would print that out in big, bold type and hang it where he'll see it when he gets home from his next trip.

I think your response from now on: Honey, I didn't waste my time vacuuming/mopping/cleaning because I knew you'd want to do it the 'proper' way when you got home.

It's that damned military, teaching men to be clean! What's the world coming to??!

[Chaipo]

Just wanted to say I feel your pain. I love my husband to death, but he grew up in a spotless household, but I did not. My trick has been usually to take an hour out of every day and do something very visible -- even if that is just rearranging things on the coffee table. With the change in appearance and that lovely cleaning fluid smell, it does make a difference. The other thing I've found is that he appreciates when I do things he doesn't like to do-- like organizing closets. It's still our most likely irritation point in our relationship, but I think the key is that we both work together to find some common ground.

I don't know if any of that helps, but I wish you and your husband the best of luck!

(Also, have to say I love the Roomba. Stick it in the room, shut the door for 45 minutes -- Voila, clean carpet :)))

[motherofbun]

I vaccum once a week. (Basically when my allergies start acting up.)

This is why I no longer mind when my husband travels...

[Fannie Mae]

I don't know your husband, but he sounds like jerk. I am a clean freak, but that's on me. If I want things a certain way I do it myself. When I was a SAHM I cleaned a little every day so it was never overwhelming. When I got a "real" job I got a cleaning service. I think your man has three choices: shut the f&*#k up, do it himself, or hire some help.

[Lisse]

This isn't about cleanliness, this is looking for something to complain about. It's either passive agressive backlash against the fact that you blog in "your spare time" or it's inherited.

[melissa]

Strike. While he is gone for a couple of days, don't clean. When he comes home to the horror, say see, "I told you I clean."

[Chris]

I read your blog and your comments about your marriage and see my marriage as it was 10 years ago. I'm still married, still have those issues and 10 more years of them. The unresolved issues will never be resolved and 10 years from now they'll be 10 more years of neglect and abuse. Look out for yourself. Plan for a future by yourself-even if it doesn't happen. Make sure you are taken care of because he's never going to. Stop allowing the verbal abuse to be okay-it's not. You're worth so much more than that and nobody deserves to be treated like this.

[chel]

i stand by my "advise" from your detox post... get a cleaner!

in my 20's i had a cleaning lady, in my 30's i was a cleaning lady ( i actually enjoy it... task orientated jobs are oh so satisfying... yeh yeh, i'm odd).

i worked through an agency that charged (once a week for two hours) forty four dollars.

as for what i do at home (with a two year old maniac), 5 min of cleaning about a dozen times a day, therefore i never, never need to spend a whole lotta time all at once just cleaning. only takes an extra minute to clean down the shower while i'm in there everyday, same goes with the sink while brushing teeth, a load of washing everyday etc.

now, about this husband of yours i couldn't agree more with sarah's comment, you need to remind your hubby how brilliant you are, which brings me to the second comment i totally agree with, the one about the vacuum being located up his ass! that should help renew his gratitude

good luck
chel

[wookie]

Wow. To him, I say "Suck it up, princess"

To you, I just offer my condolences. That reminds me of one of the most hurtful conversations of my marriage regarding cleanliness. Mine isn't willing to actually lift a finger though, so I've told him to shove it up his...

[brad]

as the father of teenagers, i can tell you that a clean, organized house is but a distant, fond memory.

but don't divorce your husband, kristen, bring him to our house. his head will explode in about 5 minutes...problem solved.

[Mom101]

I think he needs two days home alone with the kids before he judges how much housework can get done in day. Vscuuming daily? Not even if both kids were in college.

[MamaMichelsBabies]

The guy needs to relax.. and learn to say "Hello and I Love you" before he says "You missed a spot".

I don't comment here often, but I read constantly, as a SAHM that has got to be the worst slap in the face, one my own husband tried once on me, then he figured a happy Mama means a happy Daddy, one who doesn't leave him with the inamtes to wander the countryside with his Mom. Heh.

I hope to God he reads these comments and grabs a clue, show a bit of warmth. He sounds just so cold to me. If he wants messy I'll send my 5 inmates and my 2 dogs down there for him to live with, he'd be kissin the ground you walked on after dealing with them and their mess. Good luck chick.

[Suebob]

The thing that pisses me off most about your husband is how much he reminds me of the exMrStapler.

I realized that nothing would ever be good enough for him. He was determined to be unhappy with me, because for some reason that is how he was most comfortable. He seemed like he wouldn't be happy until he made me feel like crap about myself and he certainly spent a lot of time and energy on it. I'm still recovering.

I stopped doing all the stuff he said I didn't do right and he never did any of it himself. I guess it wasn't THAT important.

Good luck. Suggestion: Hire a maid or get counseling or both. You have 2 kids together, so it is probably best to work your ass off to try and get along with each other, for their sake. best of luck.

[Kara]

My husband and I have this constant discussion. I won't call it an arguement anymore because we no longer argue about it. Taking care of two little ones and working is tough enough so my house is pretty much in shambles when I am working. The husband and I pull together when company comes but otherwise it's just the basics. We keep the kitchen clean and guest bathroom clean. Since he doesn't agree with hiring a housecleaner, he picks up a lot of the slack. He vaccuums. But he totally cleans the floors like your husband - with a spray bottle and paper towels! How funny!

Since the tidiness is a higher priority for him, he does a larger share of picking up.

When I am off track (three months a year), I choose to spend quality time with the kiddos so my house is still in disarray - it's just a little more organized. But my kids are happy!

And I always remind my husband of the piles of laundry he would step over in my college apartment. He thought it was just a phase!

[Felicia]

I didn't know how to keep house when i got married. My condo before hubs was well cleaned by the lady I paid, so when it came to buying a house and then being a house wife. I was a total loss. So I tried out Flylady.net, it worked and the house stays clean and organized, well not spotless but I am not embrassed to have people over. Maybe she can help you too. Tell your hubs to chill out.

[Christina]

Yeah, you do nothing all day other than watch the kids. Oh, and that "little" internet thing. Puh-leeze.

As for cleaning, I'm a slob. I clean whenever people are coming to our house. Thankfully, we don't host a lot of gatherings. A little dirt is good for the kids - they've found a higher incidence of allergies and asthma in kids who lived in immaculate surroundings. Too clean is unhealthy. And I'll keep repeating that until I die rather than deep clean once a week.

[maman]

Oh no he didn't!

What is it about men that they think that we are supposed to keep a house that looks like their mother's? I don't know if you remember the "good old days" but our mothers sent us out of the house from sunrise to sunset to keep their houses clean. We don't raise children like that anymore.

Personally, I would rather do ANYTHING rather than clean. My mother suggested that I consider marrying for money when I was a child as a result.

My husband knew this when he married me. Somehow, he forgot. meh.

[LawyerMama]

Kristin - Would you like me to come down there and open up a can of Southern whoop ass on your husband? Because that can be arranged. The dude needs to chill. the. fuck. out. Wow. I thought *I* was uptight! LOL!

Do you think if you tried not cleaning up ANYTHING for a week, he might gain some perspective? I didn't think so. Sigh.

I have a cleaning service, but they only come every 2 weeks. I don't clean the bathrooms in between unless company is coming over & the hubs has peed all over the seat. Ditto with the floors. We swiffer every other night or so because, you know, I have two toddlers who like to throw food, but that's about it.

I must be living in squalor too, sister.

[carolyn]

My ex was like this when we were married, although something else caused the divorce:) Now, his house is still spotless, mine not so much. No one ever died from having a messy house, at least in my experience, so the house, she is not perfect, but clean enough to get by. It's the best I can do.

[Manic Mommy]

Sounds like the issue isn't your cleaning, it's his unrealistic expectations. Your job is to be mom to two kids - let him take a weekend while you go to a spa and lets see how clean the house is when you get home. You're totally right about his June Cleaver complex.

MY MIL's house frightens me but the good news is that Andy has very low expectations. The bad news is that he makes as much of a mess as the kids do.

Housework and cooking for my hunger-striking children and neck and neck for most thankless jobs.

[AGH]

I hate to clean all at once, so this is what I do:
- I keep Clorox wipes in the bathroom cabinets and under the kitchen sink. I try to use them frequently on sinks, counters and toilets.
- I hand-vac after every one of my kids' meals.
- Kitchen counters after washing dishes and cooking.
- Wet swiffer kitchen and family room floor every couple of days.
- I also keep a Clorox clean-up bottle under the bathroom sinks. I spray the inside of the toilet every now and then and let it sit, then flush. I also spray it in the shower and tub, let it sit, then run the shower for a while.
Other than that, I rarely vacuum or mop the entire house at once. It is on an as-needed basis. Laundry is another story. I hear the trick is to do it daily. We NEVER have clean clothes in the derawers - we constantly have to emergency wash and wear them out of the drier.
I couldn't agree more with the Phyllis Diller quote of cleaning with kids being like shoveling snow while its still snowing.

[Paige]

I've heard of housecleaning...

[Meg]

I cook and I may have folded some laundry a few times since living with the Boy. Boy doesn't like how I clean, so now he cleans. Everything! Hurray!
He does expect payment in bjs -- everyone wins!

[Deliciously Naughty]

I'm out of work right now, so we had to let our every other week cleaning guy go. The house has been a pit since.

Left to our own devices, the apartment is in a constant state of fairly messiness.

Chore checklist? HAH!

[Laural]

If it's any consolation our house is usually in major disarray unless we have company coming.
We try - our rule tends to be we try to keep the urgent things clean so we don't get bugs or mice (so we do dishes consistently). There's so much we need to do but it's so hard.
If my husband says something he ends up doing it himself so usually keeps his mouth shut.
And, we had a cleaning lady for awhile. It was expensive and the problem was that it didn't help with our clutter.
No advice. But, I figure if my child is healthy, clean and wearing clean underwear, if I get to work in one piece and my husband does that is success.

[Noelle]

My husband thinks of himself as "the clean one" in our household, becuase he vacuums. Sure, he vacuums...around the messes on the floor. Seriously.

I shudder to think what will happen to the state of our house after the baby is born.

We're screwed, aren't we?

[Melissa]

You are husband should be greeting his family when he comes home.
NOT critizing his wife for her housekeeping.
What is the man's problem?
Since he is home, it is time for you to leave for a day and go have some giel fun!
'Let him clean the house and take care of the kids for once.
He sounds very unappreciative to you. I hope he treats you much better with other things.
Life is too short for a control freak about cleaning who is never home.
Tell him he can do a better job when he comes home from his trips.

[Mama Nabi]

I swiffered the floor the other day... the last time I did that was before my mom came for my sister's wedding... in March.

I swear, we have parallel in-laws and hubbies. Your answer to sarah's question (way down below) - is exactly mine... except that I do work full time. (so what's my hubby's excuse, eh?)

Hubby's NEVER cleaned the bathroom ever. I finally told him, after years of being grossed out, if he's never going to clean the toilet bowl, the least he can do is wipe up his piss drops around the rim so when LN, our 2 year old, touches it, I don't have to boil her fingers to get all the grossness out.

Yet, he likes to complain about the messy house...

[Jenine]

Kristen, I'm sure your husband is truly a really nice person otherwise why would you have married him, right? But seriously... he really needs to lighten up and enter the world of reality.

Little kids = big messes.
Little kids that stay home all day with you = bigger messes that don't ever end.

From some of your other posts, I'd guess that with two little ones in the house it's often hard to find time for yourself. And if it's hard to find time for yourself, then what makes him think that you can find time for the kitchen floor. Or baseboards. Or carpet. Or bathrooms. The list goes on and on.

We're currently stuck in an apartment but when we had a house, I had a schedule of sorts. No, not a timed thing - you can't plan things around kids. But a basic cleaning routine. I would only 'clean' once a week with spot cleans in between. I'd pick one day a week and QUICKLY run a vacuum or mop - only in areas that could be seen. I'd gather all the trash from the baskets. Purge all the old newspapers/magazines. Clean the bathrooms. And have the laundry running during my cleaning cycle. If I did this fast enough it took less than an hour. If some areas looked like they needed more intensive cleaning, I'd just focus on that area for a week in addition to my normal cleaning and move on to the next. During the week, I'd just do spill cleanups and after cooking cleanups. I know that seems like a lot but it can be done fairly easily. Plopping the kids in front of the tv or something for an hour usually does the trick. When we move into our house in 6 months, I'll go back to a similar routine.

It's much more important to spend time with your kids than to be cleaning all the time. I think Phyllis Diller once said that cleaning with kids in the house is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing. Sparkling clean just doesn't occur naturally when you have kids unless you keep them in plastic bubbles and tie their little hands and feet.

Does your husband think that you report to him like he was your supervisor? If he is away for so many days at a time, what gives him the right to have a say-so in what your cleaning method is or how glossy clean the tile or linoleum is? If he wants to be able to eat off the floor then let that be HIS duty.

I find his attitude to be insulting to every stay-at-home parent, homemaker, or work-at-home parent I know. From your description, he seems to imply that taking care of the kids is such a breeze, we have plenty of time left over at the end of our very energizing day to thoroughly clean the house to such a state that our spouses can come home and sucessfully do a military inspection with white gloves and quarters.

What's really sad is that although MY husband doesn't really care what state the house is in - I know that if both he and I were working full-time, it would STILL be me that was doing 100% of the housework. Men really do SUCK sometimes.

Maybe a letter would be in order.

"Dear Huz-
Since apparently my cleaning expertise is lacking in the area of flooring sanitization, I'm going to assign that task to you from now on. When you get home from your 4 day travels, the first thing on your list is to vacuum and clean all the floors. The children and I will be assessing your performance and your efficiency and will hold up the corresponding score card at the end of your assignments. For the floors, you will be using only Windex and Bounty. For the carpets you will be allowed to use our home vacuum cleaner. If at any time I find your performance lacking, the next time you clean you will be forced to use nothing but the power of your own tongue and cheeks as they were wicked enough to get you into this situation in the first place and you will be forced to clean until you can stomach all you can from eating your own dirt.

With much love and appreciation---

Your Boss
aka - The Little Missus"

[Bill]

Can he come visit us, complain about my cleaning, and then clean my house for me?

[Kristen]

Lela --

HOW did you know I just bought a pink dyson?

Seriously.

[Lela]

Hmm, I think I would have told him where to shove it long ago. However, on the other hand if he wants to come home from work and play maid, let him knock himself out. I would probably even go as far as to say, yeah I thought about doing housework today, but I knew you would re-do it anyway, so since you love it so much I saved it for you. Here's a new vacuum for your birthday. In a manly pink....

[mothergoosemouse]

He really and truly needs to throttle back. And I shamefully say that as someone who used to behave much the same way he does now.

[alicia]

Forgive my being so blunt, but your husband sounds like quite a tool. If he's away for days and the first thing that goes through his mind when he walks in the door is anything other than hugs and cuddles and catching up with you and the kids? He needs an attitude adjustment, regardless of whether your housekeeping is up to par.

And maybe there's a Stepford wife out there, cleaning house from top to bottom daily, but I'm totally proud to not be her! When people are on their deathbeds, their list of regrets doesn't include not having vacuumed on Wednesdays. But they would regret sabotaging their relationships by nagging at their wives, not spending more time with their families, and not praising all the things done well.

I hope he reads your comments section.

(And for the record? I have a housecleaner that comes in one afternoon every other week, and I just keep the place tidy in between. If it's not horribly filthy, sticky, or stinky, then I'm not cleaning it. I'd rather go for walks and play with my baby.)

[Jennifer]

I used to be anal about having a clean house. Now that I have kids, I wish I cared more, but there are far more pressing things than sparkling toilets and crumb-free carpet.

When I die, I don't want to be remembered for my clean house.

[Kelly]

I was told once that "You can have a clean house, or a lived in house". I live in mine, thanks. I vacuum every other week (more often if there's a crumbly mess or something), floors are mopped by whichever parent isn't rocking the baby to sleep about every other week. Bathrooms are done on an "as needed" basis, unless there's company coming. I dust when I can see it, and using the vacuum brush-attachment. I don't do windows if at all possible.

My hubby does complain about me not emptying the dishwasher (therefore he does it); my excuse being that the kids always get in the way and I'd rather not deal with that, thanks. My kitchen counters tend to be a bit crumbly around the toaster, but they're wiped down regularly. We're generally happy living in our squallor.

[B]

My husband helps a lot with the housekeeping...when he is home.

But the main issue is that each of us has a little thing that just irritates the hell out of each other. The way to be happy is to accept that that THING isn't going to change and adapt. By God, as if sacrificing your body to give him children wasn't enough....

[Stacey]

My DH complained about my housekeep skills once when DS2 was about 10 months old (DS1 was 25 months old). About a month later I went on a retreat with some ladies for 4 days. He had the kids and the house all to himself for 4 days. I came home to utter chaos and have never heard one single solitary comment about housekeeping since that weekend. I highly recommend just leaving him to deal with it all for a few days. Gives them a wonderful sense of perspective.

That said... I do sweep the kitchen every day & wipe down the counters, I run my Scooba floor scrubber every week or so. I vacuum the living room every couple of days (because I foolishly let small children eat crumbly snacks in there). I do a load of laundry every day. I clean the bathrooms once a week & tidy/vacuum the bedrooms once a week. DH does the dishes & he does help me with various 'spring cleaning' type things.

Someone at playgroup was talking to someone else about her cleaning routine and she said something about her new vacuum making it much easier to clean the baseboards and I though "Clean the baseboards? I'm supposed to clean them?" We all have our own ideas of 'clean enough' I suppose

[rachel]

I will say that my partner can't for the life of him figure out how to fit dinner into the routine of any given day. Left to his own devices, he takes the kid out. I think this is laziness and bitch about it; his defense is always that he knows he will be so preoccupied with cleaning up her dinner mess that he will park her in front of the TV after eating,a nd would rather just go out to skip the whole thing. Meh. I accept it, generally, but it does make me wonder if a cleaning person is the way to go. Gives both of you someone else to blame, anyway. I know some in the area if you go that route.

[Kristen]

Thing is, I'd leave him with the kids all day and I'd come back --

house cleaned & kids stoned from watching television...

And honestly, he's not trying to fit working at home, cleaning, and kid rearing into his day.

So, he'd have to try that on to really get the drift.

But with both kids alone, chances are, he'd never get anything done...

[Cindi]

I think everyone here would agree that you are a domestic HERO, which is nowhere close to zero.

[rachel]

The trouble is, in part, that the shit that gets done everyday by the default parent is invisible. When my partner bitches about something that's a wreck, I remind him that what he doesn't see are the remnants of 3 toddler meals, 4 wet diapers and the 1800 toys that have been taken out and put away. If you were to actually stop doing the maintenance work (which I have done, for illustration purposes), the place would be unbearable. And that is the terrible nature of domestic work - utterly and totally invisible.
My husband is sort of maniacal about cleaning when he is parenting; I go away for the weekend and come home to a spotless place. BUt he is good at making a kind of game out of it with our kid, so she is involved. It's a skill he has, and I don't. So I do what I have to to keep the place bearable when I am in charge, and try to circumvent or roll my eyes through the criticism if it comes. As I figure it, I didn't bitch at him (much) for not breastfeeding. Different skills.

[jaelithe]

I do a whole vacuum job once a week; if there is a crumb disaster then I will do a touch-up on the spot but I won't do the whole floor again. Of course, my son is terrified of the noise the vacuum makes, so I have a really good excuse not to do it more often :)

I clean my bathrooms about once a week also (I always clean them again if I know someone is coming over, though, because I have a thing about guests needing clean bathrooms). Same deal with cleaning the kitchen floor (my kitchen floor is cheap vinyl that is hideously difficult to clean, though, so weekly "cleaning" it is sort of a relative term meaning "running a Swiffer over it until it looks slightly less frighteningly toxic." I get a real mop job done about once a month by my husband-- I have convinced him he is infinitely better at it than I am, hehe).

The only things I make absolutely sure I clean every day-- and often several times a day-- are the kitchen counters, the kitchen sink, and the dining room table, because that's where the food goes.

So it sounds to me that I clean about as often as you do, and I do not in any way consider myself to be a slob. In fact, visitors often remark that my house looks quite clean considering the resident three-year-old.

I think the only remedy for this situation is, as other have suggested, to somehow get your husband enough time off of work that he can spend a week at home alone with the kids, and let him see how clean he can keep the house. Of course, if this happens and he still can't see your side, then he might need to move back to Mama . . .

[Grace]

Hey, remember the days when women like us were called "HOMEmakers". Yeah, neither do I because that was AGES ago.

I'm a stay-at-home MOM. My daily focus is on being a MOM (and okay, my blog too). I certainly didn't quit my job because I wanted to achieve a sparkling HOME....

[Kristin]

I say stop cleaning all together. If he comes behind you to re-do it, then just don't do it in the first place. Although I have no room to talk because in our house I am the clean freak. I pick up toys every night, everything must be in its place and I get the kids to "help". I designate one day a week to cleaning. It's usually Friday mornings or Thursday nights b/c i don't work Fridays and then the house is clean for the weekend. Some times I do a half-ass job, and some times I don't. But The floors are my weakness, i have to vacuum and mop twice a week.

[Stacey]

Ummm...how to put this delicately...and I know we only get one side...but he sounds like a bit of an ***. No, I can't say that about someone else's husband, but seriously? He should be praising you for all he's worth, instead of criticizing everything. Do you know anyone else who JUST stays home? I can't say he's an ass, but evidently HE can. Good luck...count to 1000 when he's home and don't drink too much.

[Arwen]

Only clean on days he comes home.I mean, do the dishes and the light clean but do the bathroom bleaching and crap like that on days he is coming home.

[Phoenix]

I think I'd have to smack your husband if I ever mt him. With two kids under 3, alone almost always, he's lucky you clean at all.

Me, well I vacuum maybe every other week, only when the dust bunnies are getting bigger than my socks. I dust...only when I can see the dust on stuff from my nice comfy sofa. Then I try to get away with swiffer dusters for another few weeks. I clean the bathroom once a week and maybe I'll take a Clorox wipe to the sink if I have people coming over. The only thing I'm neurotic about is the kitchen. Dishes and food and counters, not the floor.

[ImpostorMom]

Vacuum- Once a week if we are lucky but it is more like when one of use notices that small animals are growing on the stairs.

Clean the bathroom- our bathroom is gross, i know it and he knows it but no one cleans it. I wish it were as frequent as every other week.

Mopping- never, in fact I can honestly say that since my husband put down new flooring in our kitchen last year it has yet to be mopped.

Man, my house sounds gross now. My husband has a tendency to complain about something but not actually do anything about it and that drives me mad. His big thing is the fact that the kitchen table is always covered with crap. My response is always, well do something about it if it bothers you but he says he doesn't know where any of it goes, which is a total cop out.

[Cindi]

I want to slap your husband silly. He needs to wake up and smell reality. Yeah, all you do is stay home, care for your family and build a home for husband and kids. That's damn hard work! I know, I do the same thing!

He should put a healthy, well adjusted and loving family far above the desire for a clean kitchen floor. Hello, it's the KITCHEN! There's food all over and there are times (read: everyday) it will *gasp* get on the floor.

HE IS the zero here, not you!

*hugs*

[Kristen]

Therese -

My sentiments exactly. I'd rather play with my kids than mop.

Now, if I could mop with George Clooney pouring me margaritas, that's a different story altogether.

[Amy]

I was the total anal clean freak in my marriage until last year. My husband was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disorder just 6 months after we were married. He is now on Social Security and in a wheelchair. There is alot he can't do due to muscle weakness and accessibility issues but what he can do, he does. I've just learned to let go and my standards have gotten WAY lax. However, I do keep a container of Clorox wipes next to the toilet specifically to clean the pee drips and we all use them. I have just learned that what is important is time spent together and I would rather spend my day off having fun with my husband than cleaning our home.

[dana]

My mother's motto: "I work to live, not live to work." By that she means that she cleans enough to have a decent looking home, but doesn't spend a million hours making sure things are spotlight perfect.

I clean when I get the urge to do so or when I can't stand looking at the mess anymore. We're not filthy pigs, but yes, there are toys on the floor most of the time. Or a few dishes in the sink.

My husband bitches constantly about cleanliness. He's a freak about it and he too, goes behind me to "retouch" what I did. And I let him.

When he complains, I say, "You're the one with the problem. You deal with it." Because it's true. If things have to be exceptionally, anally-retentive, clean, there is a problem!

[Therese]

Do you think your kids will remember you had time to play with them or that your kitchen sparkled? I know what mine remember!

[allie]

2 days before he comes home next time stop cleaning, picking up, washing dishes, laundry, etc. Tell him, "you know all the things I do each day, well, for the last 2 days I have not done them! "
Of course you'll have a boatload of cleaning to do afterward, but maybe he'll see what you do. It's not easy and can go from clean to disaster in about 5 min.

[Jessica]

I probably would have left by now, because I do nto do well with criticism. My husband will occasionally complain about the lack of clean socks in his drawers and he's rushing to get ready for work...one evil glare from me and he's apologizing. He's stayed at home with my two boys before. he knows how impossible it is to keep up with everything, so he never even tries. He certainly can't blame me for half assing, as it's more than he ever does! I suggest going away for a long weekend for "business" and seeing what the house is like when you return...

[allie]

2 days before he comes home next time stop cleaning, picking up, washing dishes, laundry, etc. Tell him, "you know all the things I do each day, well, for the last 2 days I have not done them! "
Of course you'll have a boatload of cleaning to do afterward, but maybe he'll see what you do. It's not easy and can go from clean to disaster in about 5 min.

[jaildiet]

i clean the bathroom about once a week.
i change the bed clothes about once a week.
our vacuum cleaner smells like vomit (not sure why--even after a clean bag), so i've only vacuumed once this summer. we threw it out! but we have hardwood floors. i hate to vacuum so much that i made my husband roll up the oriental rug so i DIDN'T have to vacuum it.
and, we wash the floors about once a month.

i like to live in a world where the kitchen counters and table and dishes are spotless, and the rest can go to hell.

[Kellan Rhodes]

I'm a clean freak. It's the only positive thing that will be on my grave stone: "She was clean". Nobody cares, mind you. I get no appreciation for all this cleanliness. We can't win!

[Tiffany]

It seems to be that your husband will never be pleased regardless of how much or how little you clean. I venture to say that if you cleaned the house from top to bottom each and every freakin' day he still would bitch. Solution....give up the fight and just let him do it his self since you can't do it "right" for him. Working fathers with SAHM's for their children often have a hard time understanding all that their wife does.

[Awesome Mom]

My husband is always claiming that he does all the cleaning. What really happens is that he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen counters now and then. I prefer to spend time with the kids rather than clean beyond the basics that keep us from wallowing in our own filth.

I mop the floor when it gets super sticky from spilled juice. I clean the toilets every few weeks and I vacuum about twice a week.

[Laurie]

I totally know what your talking about! Even though we don't have any kids yet, I work 40 hours a week and I have to do all the laundry, all the cooking and all the cleaning, and when I say, ya know what I am not doing it! Then it's like the whole freakin house is a disaster, and it's all my fault. Yet, Mr. Guesswho, won't even bother to pick up a broom or vacuum to help out.

[jen]

I've been spoiled. We pay for a housekeeper to come every other week. It costs us $60 each visit and I would now start selling organs in order to keep that woman coming to our house. She takes care of all the cleaning. All we do is the occassional spot cleaning and maintain the kitchen as necessary. I don't think I even remember how to clean a bathroom...

[diatribal]

Next time he gets a day off, let him watch both kids and try to clean the house. See if he says anything again. They only flaw with that is that your kids are liable to be perfect little angels with him.

If that does not work, hire a maid until he bitches about the price!

My husband is the same way. I don't think that they understand.

[Wendy]

I clean my floors, downstairs, everyday, because I am a freak. I hate to vacuum carpet and do the upstairs about once a week, if I am lucky. The rest of the stuff gets done when it gets done. If my floors are clean then everything is alright.

My husband has his orders to get our income back up so I can get my housekeeper back. These past few months have been torture.

[Mimipz5wjj]

I'm with you... I don't like it at all and find it very difficult. I guess I could opt to NOT SLEEP and do it then (my mom used to clean the house when everyone was sleeping... no kidding).

It's so frustrating because as soon as I clean the bathroom, someone pees on the floor (and it's not always one of the "little" boys)

[Stacy]

I was raised with an anal cleaning Mom, which has trickled down to my Sisters and myself. I pretty much need to vaccum everyday because I have 2 large, shedding dogs, but for me, I enjoy my home to be clean. Bathrooms are cleaned weekly, kitchen daily, floors at the very least every other day- It just makes life easier for me- but then again my husband would NEVER say the things to me that yours does. I'm amazed you didn't stick that vacuum up his ass!!
(I do remember one time when I as little My mom did the same thing to me, she had to vacuum again because I didn't leave very good 'vacuum marks' on the carpet.)

[canape]

What is this house cleaning of which you speak?

[Monica]

When I moved in with my husband 7 years ago he was like that. I told him he had one month to do his half, and if he could not handle it, he would be paying for a weekly maid service.

$80/week times 7 years is a lot of money, but it's the same price we would pay for marriage counseling, and a lot easier for me.

[Mrs. Chicken]

When Mr. C and I moved in together, we had the Mother Of All Fights about this very subject. In fact, I believe your huz and mine are related, because Mr. C ACTS THE SAME WAY about this.

I stood my ground and said, you don't like the way I clean? Clean it your damn self.

And now, he does. Rubber gloves, Lysol and all.

ps - come see my new digs.

[barbex]

I try to clean a little every day. The "big" cleaning, like vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom I do Saturday morning in maybe two hours. What did not get done in that time span won't get done! And if he doesn't like it, he can do it himself! Which he does in a non condescending way! He is the best!

Your husband needs to be smacked on the back of his head!

[Jackie]

I try to vacuum everyday but only because we have a huge dog that sheds like a mofo. Bathrooms every other week, mop maybe twice a week (probably would be less w/o the aforementioned dog.) I try to do a load of laundry a day but who knows when it actually gets folded and put away...
Being a SAHM I often feel that I should be doing these things more often but there just is no time. Being a mom is hard, hard work and there really are more important things in life than a clean house.

[PunditMom]

Well, let's see. I can't remember the last time I changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner and I'm not sure where the Tilex is! But I feel your pain. The other nite I spilled some apply juice on the floor. As I was cleaning it up, Mr. PM says, "You'll need to use water to wipe that up or it will be sticky."

DUH!

[Joel]

I think I would hire a cleaning service and let him complain about the bill. If he complains, then let him know what he can expect when he comes home. He'll either have to learn to live with it or just pay the bill. You've simply come to the end of your sanity and number of work hours.

[Amy]

Life is too short to be anal about cleaning. If he wants it cleaner, let HIM do it.

Doing the kitchen floor with paper towels and a spray bottle is totally inefficient and a waste of money. Paper towel isn't cheap. He should be using rags and a bucket of hot soapy water and Pine Sol, for God's sake. I use shop towels, personally, because they last forever, launder well, and are a pleasing shade of blue. Plus, they're way cheaper than even the cheapest "kitchen towel," and they don't have dopey designs and crap all over them.

Here's an idea - leave him home alone with the kids for five days, and see how clean the house is when you get back.

Men honestly have no idea what it takes to keep a household running. None. They think we're home playing all day while they're off doing Important Man Work. It's bullshit. I mean, I leave my husband home alone for a couple days, without the kids, and the house is a disaster area.

[Kate]

I have someone who comes into clean once every other week. It is the best thing ever...even if it's just every other week. It means that everything gets clean at once, which never happens if it's left up to me. I do basic cleaning in between when she comes, but I never vacuum (we only have one rug and no carpet anyway) and I rarely clean the bathrooms. I'm saying all of this as a working (outside the home) mother, but I don't think much would change (in the cleaning aspect) if I stayed home.

[NotAMeanGirl]

Yanno... your hubby sounds like my father. NOTHING my mother does is ever enough. Yesterday, he melted down because we were out of SPRITE... from THAT he got that she doesn't care about his needs/wants and that she treats him like a dog... She'd been out of town for 3 days... Basta'ds... both of em!

[Kellie]

I clean something each day. That way I'm not overwhelmed with it all at once. My bathrooms are done twice a week, I run the sucker around the house twice a week. Certain things I do daily (the kitche).

My theory? Being home all day is hard work. Even if you aren't "with" the kids the entire day, it's still hard. The man in my house? He made a comment once about something in the house not being clean.

He's still trying to fish his balls out of his throat. Punk. (No, I didn't kick him. The "conversation" we had wasn't pleasant. For him.)

[Heather]

I hate to be rude...it goes against the southern grain...but your hubby needs to chill out over the fricking state of the house. His anal retentive behaviors makes me think he has no real appreciation over how quickly a house goes from spotless to mess with children around.

In order to keep a house with children spic and span, you'd have to spend your entire day, every day, cleaning.

And what kind of life is that?

Yaaawwwwwwwnnnnn.

It's the kind of life that will make you die an early death.

How do you remedy the situation? Hmmm, here's what I'd do. I'd be the living proof that there is MORE to life than cleaning and work. He'd either catch on to that idea or not. And if not, then that's a whole 'nother can of worms and you deserve a life with someone who CAN appreciate there is more to life than that.

[wyliekat]

I've hired out the housecleaning and I don't regret it for a second. Even now, as a single mom, I'm hoping to keep that going. My sanity is worth what I pay the nice folks to clean my house.

If he doesn't like the way you do it, then he should be doing it. And it's as simple as that.

[emily]

Send his ass north to Chattanooga when he's finished- I have plenty he could do here. Really, I used to think that when I started staying home with my little boy I would vacuum everyday, etc. It JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN! Once, twice a week and that's only the areas we use- and no mopping, ever!

[Shannon]

I'm totally glad when my husband pitches in (which he does semi-regularly) but if he started commenting on the state of the kitchen floor, I'm telling you we'd be having a nuclear meltdown over here. As for frequency...well, I'd love to say I clean the bathroom once a week. Yes. I would LOVE to say that. Eh-hem...

[Guilty Secret]

Hi, I just found your blog and have to say I'm loving it! I wrote a post about this same topic a little while ago:

http://guiltysecret.blogspot.com/2007/09/is-baddies-nagging-codependency.html

Let me know what you think :)

[BOSSY]

About this husband: They didn't make one fish and stop. Perhaps throw him back and reel in something Fresh?

[Mel]

My husband is the SAME way!!! I think it has a LOT to do with parental upbringing... My mother is a pack rat and we've always had dogs, his mother is anal about cleaning and will WASTE water (and dish soap) to wash 1 fucking glass after having a sip of water.

Anyways it is a constant battle and who knows how long we'll make it, but other than that - my husbands a good guy, really. sheeze...

Oh and I agree with Sarah, you are beautiful and do a fantastic job with the blogging, I really enjoy your work!

[Kristen]

Thanks Sarah. I totally agree.

And quite frankly, he was way different before we had kids.

That sounds totally cliche, but very true.

Also, I think if there was a "level" (by that I mean in his eyes) playing field, i.e. me working outside the home full time, it would also be different.

Talk about the 1950s.

[Sarah]

Honestly, I have never heard of one redeeming quality about your husband - how did you decide to marry him? (Being pregnant is not a good excuse.) You are smart, kind, funny, talented and pretty - and deserve to be swept up in your husband's arms after he returns, not reprimanded. Being present for two children is hard work. Period.

[Amy]

Dude. That totally sucks.

We have a standing rule at our house. You complain about it (it being anything from the condition of the house, yard, or what I cook for dinner) and you are doing it from now on.

I do my best, and keeping the children alive is the number one priority. Anything else is just gravy.