Big is Not Always Better

*Clearly my readers leave the best comments. If you need a laugh, please read them*

I've shared my innermost secrets here, without shame or embarrassment.

I'm stupid open like that.

The prairie dog sized hemorrhoids, the pubic gnomes, and my marriage have all been scrutinized in great detail by my faithful readers, wayward Googlers, and God only knows who else.

So, why would my tampon sliding right out of my "personal purse" be any different?

Um, because I've never heard one person, no not one never ever ever, talk about their big old post-partum vagina. But apparently, that's exactly what I'm sporting these days. Except in this case, big is clearly not better.

Amidst my costume sewing fest that then became a stinky and terror-plotting glue situation, I got my period back -- which in itself is incredibly annoying since I have not one feminine product in my house.

Okay, that's a lie. I found two tampons in my teeeeeny tiny "I'm so cute and young and only need to carry lipstick and a credit card and apparently tampons" purse from a bazillion years ago. Like that's not depressing enough as it is. But other than those too sexy and single tampons, I'm walking around with toilet paper in my underpants until I can get to a Target.

And so, I bought my regular old Tampax, now with an extra handy applicator gripper by the way (amazing the developments that happen in a couple of years!), and went about my business.

That was until I went to the bathroom later that day because I felt something very odd and noticed my not totally used up yet tampon was not where it should be.

And that would be sliding halfway out of me.

Without me pushing it out or pulling the string, of course.

And then I thought the dreaded, terrible, and worst thought ever.

I'm all stretched out.

Ugh. Ack. Ptthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dfhdofjdalfjaldkjflkdfje9ijflsdfdkjfdk. (That would be the sound of me barfing 1000 barfs)

Yep. There's just no other explanation. Just me and my old stretched out vagina, shooting out tampons at any random moment of the day.

Dare I ask if there is any solution to this problem, you know, like a new tampon brand or a vagina lift?

Comments

[ד"ר ברגר]

I discovered two tampons in my small lovely and youthful and only need to have lip stick and a card and seemingly tampons wallet from a bazillion years ago.

[Design update]

You are a very smart person!

[puma shoes]

The blog was absolutely fantastic!

[Jennifer West]

Ahaha! You've got some crazy comments here, Kristen! Well, four years ago, the surgery you were talking about wasn't that prevalent yet, so people resorted to more accessible solutions. Now that it has been widely discussed and practiced, I'm sure you'll be able to find the information and treatment you're looking for. Best of luck to you, Kristen!

[Coach Handbags]

Great articles and it's so helpful. I want to add your blog into my rrs reader but i can't find the rrs address. Would you please send your address to my email? Thanks a lot!

[Cypress]

LMAO, I'm just a little happier I stumbled across your blog. Nothin like talking about stretched out grocery bags to make me feel not so alone :D Ya'll are so damn beautiful.

[Sarah]

So, I'm reading this months later (love your blog!) and you've probably already worked out the solution, but...I love the Tampax Pearl. It expands out, and has the extra help on the string. I have also had the slippage issue, but it's usually when I'm using too large a size for the flow. Check it out.

[Deej from Oz]

I've liked vaginas since I was a teenager. Always thought that if I had one I'd never leave the house :-)
Perhaps I've been mistaken. Sounds too messy and complicated. Maybe the best vaginas are like the best swimming pools - other peoples!

[The Feminist Breeder]

MU-
Well, now I feel like an asshole.

Sorry about the miscarriages.

[K]

Keeper, all the way.

Oh- and, they lied...

all of the issues about the lady parts aren't affected by the type of birth - but, by the pregnancy.

Surgery doesn't prevent these problems (but, can cause about a hundred other ones).

[chickadee]

i started doing kegals as i was reading that. scary.

[Naomi (Urban Mummy)]

I'm so glad I read this. I thought it was just me - who knew!!! And thanks for the laughs, nonetheless!

[bellevelma]

I'm late to the party but OMG you guys are funny! ROFLMAO!

[Vicky]

I am with mldubose, OB tampons are the best. I religiously do my kegels (10 times at every stoplight) but have found that most tampons brands are sorely lacking and have the wrong shape for most women. OBs expand east and west rather than north and south. And BTW, I prefer the applicator-free ones. Applicators are for sissies.

[kittenpie]

I know some moms who say they now need the superplus size.

But what I want to know is - a couple of YEARS?! Mine was back 4 months after Pumpkinpie was born, hardly any pause. (But I do still get to use the same old stuff, thanks to the c, at least.)

[mldubose]

Of course, if the kegels don't work, you could use the "purse" for storage. You know, keys, tissues, lipstick, sunglasses, credit card, etc. No need to carry a cute bag from Ann Taylor. Kangaroos have their pouch, and you could have yours.

Of course, then you could start smuggling artifacts and priceless works of art into the country.

OK, I'll stop now.

[lildb]

it's your fricking superpower, K. it's like a weapon you can carry without breaking a sweat.

the vagina is mighter than the sword. AND the damn pen, for that matter. sure, people might write epics. but someone had to give birth to those people.

am I right or am I right? (hint: I'm not wrong.)

p.s. it occurs to me that the gun is man's attempt at one-upmanship to the vagina. for obvious reasons.

[mldubose]

I have found OB to work the best for me since they expand "out" and around instead of vertically. That hurts! They also make the kind with an applicator if you don't want to go fingering yourself in a public bathroom.

Kegels are the way to go. Otherwise you may find that you'll sit on a barstool and fall to the floor having swallowed the thing up.

I've had 3 babies vaginally and don't have stretchage or leakage. Maybe I'm just lucky, or it's the kegels. They also help you in the orgasm department. Just don't get so toned down there that you can clamp down on his unit and rip it off!

Just kidding.

[TB]

Hilarious post and comments. And I'll admit that things are a teensy bit roomier, but I'm not losing bars of soap when I take a bath yet or anything. Maybe it only happens after two?

[gwendomama]

SO,when i was pg w/#3, I had many ultrasounds w/specialist. At Big Fancy Hospital. Who said to me that if he could (or had to) give birth, he would DEFINITELY opt for a c-section. When I (INCREDULOUSLY) asked him WHY(TF)??, he answered, "Well, it is now found to be true that up to 75% of women who deliver vaginally will suffer from incontinence and 'other issues' in their future. Multips are at biggest risk for these 'side effects'. I would not wish to be one of those!"

Amen to that brother.
Thanks for the great super secret guy information a little too fucking late.

So call me crazy but I was not too surprised when my own tampon succumbed to gravity.

divacup, you should def give this woman some profits kixbax for this, no?

[mary mary]

just so you don't feel too bad - one of my friends had a yeast infection about 6 months after baby #2 and bought those slow release suppository pod things. after she stood up - post insertion, obviously - it fell to the floor. like she dropped it out of her hand. she thought she was nuts so she did it again. same thing. zero resistance.

[krista]

Probably someone already said this but- Kegel exercises using ben wa balls. Ben Wa balls are good because you can tighten your vag muscles and use them as a sex toy because they vibrate. I love my ben wa balls! Yeah!

Also, I'm totally sporting the Diva cup and love it. Its cheap, convenient and good for the environment.

(PS- HI Kristen, long time no see).

[Queen of Shake Shake]

I've never had to take my Diva Cup out in any public place.

Insert...stays in for 12 hours...take out when I get home at the end of the day. It isn't like tampons that have to be changed every couple of hours. It seriously last 12 hours, even on my heavy day.

[Kristen]

Yeah. I'm a bit grossed out by the thought of the Diva Cup myself.

And glad to know it's just for tampons and nothing else.

Um... like dildos. I wouldn't want Mr. Rabbit to start sliding out.

And no heavy cycles here. Just regular old Aunt Flo.

[heather]

Same thing happened to me, but it was because my periods were heavy (understatement)more than a few super plus tampons succumbed to gravity all by themselves.
Turns out the heavy periods (and the soaked superplusses) were caused by fibroids, which I had removed. Maybe if your period is irregularly heavy, you could talk to a doctor.

[Manic Mommy]

OMG. Screaming, dying, peeing laughing at all of you! You had me at "hot dog in a hallway."

Diva cup still sounds kinda gross. I'm going to check out the website. I need a visual.

I've asked and apparently, it's not an issue for other objects placed up there.

[dana]

I can never eat a hot dog again, without the urge to throw it down the hallway.

I just read this to my husband and we can't stop laughing. Good God, I'm going to pee myself.

[jaelithe]

Doing sympathy Kegels now.

[Caroline]

One more Diva Cup user here. I started with a Keeper about 10 years ago, and then had to switch to the larger size (ahem) after having two children, so I tried the Diva. I like them both pretty well, but aesthetically, the Diva Cup is more attractive. (the Keeper turns from a muddy brown to a deep, dark brown with use...)

I still use a pad on my heaviest days, just for peace of mind, but for the most part, I am now a much cheaper menstruater. :D

The first time I used it, I was pretty scared I was going to pull m entire uterus out along with the cup, but then I figured out that you break the suction first, and all was well.

It's a little messy, but I am pretty discreet, so even in public restrooms nobody seems aware of what I'm doing. I don't have many changes outside the home, but it does happen occasionally and isn't anywhere near as traumatic as you might think.

[Wendy]

Thank god, I read this. I was all smug about my c-sections until that damn Tampax started slipping, yesterday. I was a huge OB user until I couldn't find the ones with the applicator, anymore. I am sorry but it gets too messy during that time to worry about the environment.

And do you know that if you have a septic tank or live with really bad plumbing (Shout out to New Orleans and our shitty plumbing) that you shouldn't flush your tampons. I was shocked and now appalled that I have them in my trash. Well, it beats digging up the yard and spending $1000s of dollars to see the world's largest tampon.

[Oh, The Joys]

Mom-O-Matic said the old tampons were like "throwing hot dogs down a hallway."

Oh, the dying of laughter.

Yours in big hoo hoo-ism,
OTJ

[witchypoo]

You could put a cheerio in the toilet and practice trying to hit it with the tampon. I think that would qualify as exercises.
That sounds mean, but I did not intend it that way.

[Jen]

Yeah - I just went back on birth control after reading this.
LORD.

[Kristen]

PS. I soooo need a designer vagina.

Or maybe I could just get a Coach bag.

[Kristen]

Interesting since playtex never worked for me before.

I'm LOL at Michelle - sideways.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

And maybe I'll have to try the OBs again.

ack.

[Lemon]

Yep. There is totally surgery. And if you complain about it to your doctor, it is often even covered by insurance. (You have to have other problems mostly related to not being able to hold your urine)

The rep I used to work with at my last job liked to refer to the procedure as getting a "designer vagina".

[Mommy off the Record]

Holy canolli! I've never heard of this! I am due to get my period back in a few months after my second birth too. Yikes.

I've heard good things about the Diva Cup. I posted on it once cuz I thought it was hilarious and I was making fun of it, but I got a few commenters who swore that it works and that they love it.

[CityMama]

I gotta say: OB tampons all the way.

The fact that it opens like a flower makes a huge diff. The application...uh...takes some getting used to, but it really works with my, um, "internal changes."

[Veronica]

Uh yeah, thanks for reminding me to do my kegels, ugh.

Yep, my tampons are all a bit looser after having a baby. The things they never tell you.

[bitsy parker]

Kegels. Ha!

Try the cup thing. The fact that it costs $34 is holding me back.

[Michelle]

I just shove mine sideways now. Lovely.

[TNG]

dude.
I SO needed this laugh right here.

'Shooting tampons' and 'throwing a hot dog down a hallway' make me want to pee my post-partum-pants.

I use Playtex and they get bigger width-wise so no problems there. They 'go in' at a weird angle now, though. ugh.

The shit we have to go through.

[karen]

It's not much fun being a looser woman.
I totally think it's the brand - I never leaked until after babies and only with Tampax. I only use Playtex and always use a liner too.
I've also heard good things about Diva cup.

[Adena]

The answer is: Tampax changed the design of their tampons! For me, they don't pop out, but they leak terribly. I actually wrote to them and complained....Now the generic CVS tampons work much better....

[Kristen]

Bossy -- I read that. I guess I just didn't take notice since I didn't need no stinkin' tampons back in July.

[Jerseygirl89]

Almost grateful for my c-sections until I realized that I can't use tampons either. They just don't work right anymore. But maybe it's the new tampax design? Anxiously awaiting your review of the Diva Cup.

[Darlene]

So thankful for the 5 c-sections and not a stitch in my girly parts.
I have been thinking seriously about a endometrium ablasion - no more babies, no more periods!

[Laural]

Dear god. How do you clean out your diva cup at work? I'm grossed out by the people who brush and floss at work. That has gotta be worse.
By the way ... I was terrified to use tampons for several months after my post-baby period.

[Julie Pippert]

This one nurse was a total Kegel slave driver but she may have had a point. Luckily I was so scared of her that I obeyed. I'll keep my ears open. Good luck. And maybe switch brands.

Julie
Using My Words
http://theartfulflower.blogspot.com

[Tina]

It actually happened to me once almost 7 years ago (while I was preparing cookies for a cookie exchange for chrismas) and hasn't happened since. I actually do at least 100 keegles a day. You know, those pelvic floor muscle excersises. Every red light I do them til it turns green. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 and hold 10 for 5 to 10 seconds (whatever you can) and start over. I do them during commercials or when my now 7 year old is reading. I do them while I'm card making or sitting at the computer. It takes consontration at first but soon its like second nature and you can do them and think of other things at the same time. LOL

[lara]

i've gotten a number of google searches over the past few months for "tampon shooting." i wonder if this is what they're looking for...

[Mrs. Chicky]

Um, ain't no way I'm sticking a Dixie Cup, I mean Diva Cup, up my girlie parts. I'd rather use a bandage and some surgical tape.

[BOSSY]

Slow down, cowgirl: Sounds like you missed Bossy's Product Review on the New Tampax. It's a must-read, they screwed up their design!

http://www.iambossy.com/i_am_bossy/2007/07/bossys-product-.html

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I have a new campaign:

Save the Vaginas!

Do your kegels while you blog!

WOOO!

[Angie in Texas]

i've never even HEARD of the diva cup! . . . but i went 4 years and 2 months with only 1 period (it was the one right in btwn the two kids - the one i got before getting pregnant). then i had an IUD inserted - HELL-O!? can you say FREEDOM? no periods, no products - just a little finger insertion to make sure it's all in place.

(i just read this and i have added nothing to the comments section. sorry.)

[christie]

Thank God for C sections - I'll take my scar any day!

[angie]

I'm not a regular tampon wearer, but kegels have worked for me; I can wear a tampon for swimming no problem, and I've had 6 children (#7 currently on the way)

[Kristen]

Turkey lips.

OMG. I've almost got penis envy.

[Kristen]

Dropping tampons

LMFAO

And http://www.divacup.com

[fidget]

sooo they totally have surgery to "fix" this

http://www.lasertreatments.com/vaginal_rejuvenation.html

BWHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

oh I'm sorry I can't make it to your [wedding, party, birthday, house warming, boxing day celebration], I'm having a vag lift

[Caroline]

I just wanted to echo the Diva Cup "Yay" sentiments (and I'm surprised there are so many women here who use one!)

It's really not as gross/weird as it sounds. Not as gross as tampons falling out of you, at least (and I'm very familiar with that problem).

[Hetha]

Actually, Mom-o-Matic wrote about this, or mentioned once a few months back in reference to sex. I believe she said something along the lines of "it's like throwing a hot dog down a hall way" - which to this day makes me howl!

Oops, I just delurked!

[motherbumper]

I'm so glad to read the comments - I'm back on the pole after almost three years and know EXACTLY what you speak of... now I must go google Diva Cup. Thanks for writing like this MU - the stuff I'm too chicken to talk about.

[Trina]

I have the same problem. Where can a person purchase a diva cup?

[dana]

I cannot even share my experience that is quite similar for fear of embarrassment. Holy hell. All I can say is kegels work. I didn't want to hear that advice either, but I didn't know what else to do and they restored some muscular tightness. Not to a virginal state, but better than I expected.

[kate]

a friend of mine ( no, seriously! I'm still pregnant... for the third time. imagine what mine will be like? But, I digress...) she is having a vaginal rejuvenation and labia lift (along with a tummy tuck, for good measure.) She's been dropping tampons for months and has had it. that, and she doesn't like the look of her "turkey lips." if you want it, you can find it!

[Crabmommy]

Shweeeesh, my dear!

One of the very few benefits of my C-section is....and I trail off, being far wimpier and more Victorian than thee.

If it cheers you at all, do stop by Crabmommy's personal blog and check out my tampon crafts. Because there's nothing quite like a tampon craftacular with the tots to make us all feel good about being women!

If I may be so bold: please visit the September archives of crabmommy.blogspot.com and see instructions on How to Make a White Wiener out of a you-know-what.

[Maman]

I guess there was a bright side to my two C-sections..

[mamatulip]

Damn. I'm off to Google the diva cup.

[ImpostorMom]

haha period of time

pardon the pun, wasn't on purpose

[ImpostorMom]

I've tried a cup pre-baby but never could keep that sucker up there for any period of time. I've had the IUD since 6 weeks postpartum so I haven't had more than just a little spotting. I would suggest the playtex though, I used to have the same problem with tampax because they grow longer rather than wider.

[Lily]

I hear the IUD works for some but I have friends who spot randomly. These spots are really more like big droplets of blood that sometimes go through the pants. I started my period 5 months after each of my daughters were born and I was still nursing full time! These periods were so heavy I thought I was going to bleed to death. Since we made the decision not to have anymore children, I got the endometrium ablasion procedure done and I have not gotten a period since. You many want to look into it. OTherwise I hear taking the pill will reduce your period where you could wear a thin pad. Sorry no solutions for vaginal reduction.

[Stacey]

Diva cup and kegels all the way. Though I must admit when I first got the Diva cut & read where there was a 'learning curve' to using it my first thought was "Do I really want to be doing something with my vagina that requires a learning curve? Sounds painful." It was uncomfortable but by my 3rd cycle with it, it was doing pretty good. Slips a bit when I'm doing squats at the gym but you'll have that.

[sam (temporarily me)]

I say IUD. NO periods and that sucker ain't (shouldn't be) going anywhere.

LOVE!

And yeah, post-baby 'ginas are not cool. I wanna lift!

[Kristen]

FB --

It was two misscarriages and pregnancy...

4 months with 2 miscarriages, 9 months of pregnancy, 9 months of baby

[The Feminist Breeder]

Okay... backup a minute. You haven't had your period in "years"??? What the hell? I got my stupid period SIX WEEKS TO THE DAY after I had Jonas. SIX WEEKS! That's all the break I got. And I nursed! How'd you manage years of freedom?

Perhaps it's been too long since your Vag has seen Tampons? Perhaps it forgot what it was supposed to do with them?

I'm still mad about you avoiding your period for years, so you get no sympathy for me for your bajingo rejecting the Tampax. Sorry lady! ;)

[jen]

i actually think there is surgery for this (not that i've checked, i swear)

[canape]

I have no suggestions, but you just reminded this preggo to do a bunch of kegels right here and now.

[Rachel]

Love, love, love the Diva Cup. Cheaper, more environmentally friendly, more comfy, more effective, just better in every way. Though it's been a while since I used mine, my period still isn't back since baby number 2.

[Redneck Mommy]

I'm all about the Diva Cup. It's not as gross as the OB tampons. Swear it.

You'd trust a redneck wouldn't ya??

[Kristen]

Damnit. And I did those fucking kegels!

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Start Kegeling like crazy. I also got a couple different exercise thingys from a Urologist b/c I was having some MAJOR problems. Alas, I never use them, so I am an idiot.

Does anyone else have a problem swimming or taking a bath with a tampon? For probably the same reason mentioned by Kristen, they get all filled up with water and are instantly useless. Sigh, the tight seal of the past is long gone.

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Oh dear Kristen....just read where you are desperately crying out for Diva Cup information.

I wrote an entire review, details included, here...

http://reviews.suburbanoblivion.com/2007/06/27/18/

[Queen of Shake Shake]

Two recommendations

1. Ben Wa balls

2. Diva cup

Oh yes, I'm too small too! snort.

[margalit]

I've got the same issue, after having twins. I use the playtex super huge tampons, and they work fine. Tampax always falls out...they get longer but not wider. The playtex might have a plastic applicator, but they stay in. Just don't flush the applicator!

[*pixie*]

I'm too big of a wussy to try the Diva cup. Like Mrs. Chicken, I'm also now thankful for the c-section birth. I have yet to get the period back and this doesn't improve the situation.

[Kristen]

Whacker LOL.

People. I can barely use a freaking OB tampon. Ain't no way mama is going to be able to stick a cup up there.

Plus I have a heinously tilted uterus. My cervix is basically like trying to touch China from my front porch.

[Cheryl]

You use the diva cup by folding the cup, which is made out of a flexible silicone type material, and inserting up your whacker. It'll unfold in there and provide a tight seal. The "fluid" collects, and then later you take it out by grasping the stem to get a grip and then folding the cup as you yank it out. Dump the contents out in the toilet and rinse out the cup. Insert again. Voila.

[Cheryl]

The diva cup takes some getting used to, but so worth it. Sure, it might be one of the grossest things you'll ever take part in, but still worth it.

[Liza]

When I got my post-partum period back, I miserably discovered that my old best friend Tampax was now hideously uncomfortable. And since I have always hated the too-sweaty feeling of wrapping the warmest part of my body in plastic padding, I tried cloth pads. They're better than I expected, although avoid the bamboo terry ones -- soft, but too unstructured. They end up a wad of fluff trying to creep up inside.

[Kristen]

Okay - so WHO wants to truly enlighten me about how the Diva Cup works.

Because it sounds like you stick a dixie cup up in there.

And that is just scary.

[Liz]

Diva Cup. All the way.

[kim]

I had the same problem, just lacked the guts to blog it. I have a feeling all the kegels in the works are not going to solve this one.

Never heard of Diva Cup but I'm going to check it out.

[celebrate woo-woo]

I, too, will recommend a cup, but my recommendation is a Mooncup UK. I only got to use it one cycle before getting knocked up, but I was totally converted from my Tampax to the cup. And, I even openly endorsed it on my blog;> Then I answered a couple emails with all the details anyone could have wanted, apparently.

[Suebob]

You are not making me feel very bad about this decision to not have children.

[Kristen]

YES! I'm tooooo small.

That's got to be it LOL :)

And the diva cup.

Oy.

[Violet]

I'll second that Diva cup recommendation. And since they come in two sizes - one for "post-childbirth" (and those over 30) - you won't have a single thing to worry about.

Man, being a human in a human body is chock full of surprises when you least expect them.

[amy]

Diva Cup. Seriously. Google it, you'll never go back to tampons.

[Mrs. Chicken]

Gotta say ... this one made me glad they ripped the child out of me using a butter knife and a spoon.

[Jenny]

I was never able to use tampons because I'm too little. For real. They hardly ever go in and then they pop right back out like a pressurized ping-pong ball. Perhaps you're just much smaller after the doctor sewed you up?

*sigh*

Sorry. The post-baby 'gina is not a beautiful thing.