Fun & Games

I have momentarily escaped what has been a day of "13,000 Questions about Kristen's House That She Doesn't Know the Answer To." I find this game particularly fun when I'm just happy to have the energy to clean it enough so I can walk without getting rice puffs stuck between my toes and I don't wake up with toast crumbs stuck in my asscrack.

In my world, this house just landed in "My Town, GA" and we bought it.

That's it.

I do not know the height of my ceiling. Or the square footage in my dining room. Or how hard my new end tables are to dust and how my kitchen cabinets are going to be a bitch to clean.

They hold my shit better than a trash bag. Isn't that enough?

I was sort of hoping she'd focus on my ass. But it's shrunk. And so apparently the house is way more interesting.

*hrumph*

But look people. In my world, fun involves alcohol, sleep, and absolutely no mathematical equations unless those equations are helping me figure out how much I can drink or how much I can sleep. 

However, I know you're all dying to know how to play, so let me give you a sampling of how it goes (in case you're tired of your "Back Massager" and need some other form of pleasure).

Question 11,203:

MIL: So, what color are your shutters?

Kristen: Um. Burgundy. I'm really not quite sure.

MIL: I think they are Cordovan. Yep. That's it. Cordovan.

Question 13,789:

MIL: How high are your ceilings? 9 or 10 feet.

Kristen: *Stands up and reaches up* 9 feet

MIL: Hmmm. They look more like 10 to me.

So, today I've learned that I know nothing about my house or how to pick end tables.

Based on previous scores, I'm doing pretty damn well.

However, it is just barely the end of Day One.

Comments

[the new girl]

Hilarious.

I'd tell her that the ceilings were not high enough to muffle the noise coming from her question hole.

[Michelle]

I like the "have you written your will yet" and "at what age do the people in your family usually die" questions for her.

Mind games are fun to play on shitty people. Plus, if you can get them thinking that you are just a bit scary, then you will have won. And it makes everyone else think they are nuts for talking about you.

You can also make up a "news story" to tell her about a woman who poisoned her mother-in-law for digging through her stuff. Then say something like, "Can you believe people these days? Going through other people's private things like that"?

I say scare the shit out of her. She definitely has it coming.

[Mom101]

I think you should just make up ridiculous answers until she gets the hint.

"So what color are the shutters?"
"Sort of a greyish-aqua."

"How tall are these ceilings?"
"Oh, 80, 90 feet."

If she doesn't get the hint you will at least have fun.

[Manic Mommy]

Had a similar inquisition from my MIL when our boiler broke on Christmas.

MIL: So what was wrong with the boiler?

Me: The heat was set to 70 and it was 64 in the living room. I said 'hey Andy, something's wrong with the furnace.'

MIL: What did they fix?

Me: Some guy came and now we have heat.

[crazymainer]

Where is DH in all this, can't he run interference? You could answer each question with a "hold on I'll find out..." and that gives you an excuse to exit and go do some research, chug a few diva cups of nogtini, and hey, maybe by the time you have an answer, she'll have forgotten the question.

[caramama]

I was going to suggest basically the same as mothergoosemouse and Julie Pippert.

Answer everything: "Why don't you tell me?"

Since you know she will. Good luck this week! Just remember... It's all excellent blog fodder!

[Secret Mom Thoughts]

Wow, you make me grateful that my in laws are just a little quirky. I like Julie Pippert's answers. Just ask her what she thinks. I also would be swimming in liquor to get through the visit. I hope they are not staying too long.

[Tracy]

What the hell color is cordovan anyway? Liquor holds all of the answers. Definately. I am feeling very lucky to have my MIL right now. I send virtual hugs your way. Chocolate and jello shots to follow....

[Angie in Texas]

go for a combo: answer ever question with a poop related answer (and just for sh*ts and giggles, throw in a few other body function answers, too.)

THEN turn it around and ask *her* a question about poop or other body functions . . .

*and don't forget the liquor - lots and lots of liquor (except don't be coy about it . . . every time she says something annoying (like all the time) take a swig of something before you respond. =)

good luck!

[melissa]

Last year I "breast feed" often. For like 90 minutes at a time with the nursery door locked. Maybe you should ask your son if he would be game. Did you really only get workout clothes for Christmas? Please tell me your husband bought you something cool.

[jessicab]

Reading these post just further reminds me of the fact that I have the most awesome inlaws in the world. I'll share them for a while if you'd like.

[Julie Pippert]

P.S. Take out the trash a lot. It's a good chance to breathe for a second or sneak a sip from the flask I hope you have hidden outside. Hint: Peppermint flavored liquer does nothing to disguise the liquor part. Mints.

;)

[Fairly Odd Mother]

Oh poor you. There really isn't enough alcohol to make this all ok.

[Julie Pippert]

Another vote for the answer with a question or talk about poop.

MIL: How high are your ceilings?
K: How high do YOU think they are?

MIL: What color are your shutters?
K: What color do YOU think they are?

MIL: These cabinets will be a bitch to keep clean.
K: That reminds me, has anyone checked Drew's diaper recently? Could you do a spot check...I just have to take out this trash...

[JaniceNW]

Laughing at your post and the supportive comments of your readers. Do I sense some "in law rage" amongst the crowd? Snerk. At least your MIL can ask questions unrelated to the plants in your state or the many people who have died in the past 5 years.

[Christina]

I think you need to fully play the game - you've only played half of it so far.

Kristen: So have you prepared your will yet?

MIL: Yes/No

Kristen: Oh, that's good. At your age, you have a much higher chance of a heart attack now, you know. Would you like some BBQ for dinner?

Or just do like Hyphen Mama suggested and answer everything with poop in the answer.

[Suebob]

I am crying laughing at HyphenMama's answers. Brilliant strategy. Work poop into every answer.

The other day my temporarily lost luggage was delivered to my parents' house after a business trip. Dad: Why is your luggage so heavy? Do you really need all that stuff? (It was a carry-on. Not that large OR heavy, but still a fucking stupid question with no way to answer. Sometimes I just go right to the obvious: "Because I'm a fucking idiot, Dad.")

[Mark]

Hmmmmmmm I think it's time to break out the Diva Cup Jello Shots.

"What color are they MIL?

That's right who gives a flip?
Just swallow them right down, they come in these handy little cups and they slide right down your gullet like a 5 day old, semi dry oyster that has sat in the sun on a black dashboard on a New Orleans summer day."

[Melissa P.]

liquor liquor~

[Hyphen Mama]

You could answer asinine questions with asinine answers:
MIL: how tall are your ceilings
Kristin: Drew pooped 3 times yesterday

MIL: what color are your shutters
Kristin: about 4 shades darker than Drew's 3 poops yesterday

[Monica]

Maybe you should just answer all of her questions with questions of your own. "How old are you again?" "What's that average age at which your relatives die?" That sort of thing.

[margalit]

How big is MIL's mouth?

How small is MIL's mind?

Two questions I'm SURE you can answer!

[jaelithe]

Hey, my shutters are burgundy! So I'll have to side with you and say that your shutters are definitely burgundy, and not cordovan. Because that way my shutters are the same color as your shutters, which makes me somehow cooler.

[mothergoosemouse]

I'd answer every question with: "I dunno; what do YOU think?"

[jen]

good lord. how tall is your MIL? now that's the question of the day.

[Woman With Kids]

Ohmygod, I think I work with your MIL. My coworker? Has never met *anyone* who has been right, except herself of course.

Kudos to you for eating with her without stabbing her with a fork. Not sure I could do that.