Guilty as Discharge

Since we're all "mano a mano" with each other about our whoo-hoos, I figured it would be okay for me to complain about yet another "thanks for having two children suckah" gift that seems to keep on giving.

It first came to me the day before I went into labor with my son and I was convinced that I was leaking amniotic fluid. I mean, clearly it had to be amniotic fluid because I don't generally just randomly pee on myself (at least without knowing).

And there was no way in hell it was what I like to call "natural lubricant."

*ahem*

But alas, silly old me didn't realize that when you get pregnant a few times and then pop out a kid (or two), your hormones just go into whacked out mode and you tend to overproduce the stuff.

Yes. We are all singlehandedly funding the college educations of Always workers' kids, those bastards.

Of course you could never have an over supply of the stuff when you actually need it. Like when some midwifery student is trying to find your cervix and instead you swear is fondling your pancreas. Or after 14 straight minutes of foreplay. Because we all know that's a lifetime for most of our spousal units. And yet, you're still dryer than a mouthful of sand.

It's like those mother-in-law hairs. The ones that have no earthly business on your upper thighs or above your lip but just happen to show up there unannounced and they'd be more than welcome on the the top of your head where you're rapidly losing them and could actually use them but no they're on your thighs and under your nose so you pluck them and they just won't fucking GO AWAY.

Yeah. Those ones.

But no. It happens when you're in Target in the dressing room with two kids trying on some Mossimo Supply shirt that's marked XXL yet still doesn't fit you and all of a sudden you think you just peed yourself. 

So thanks to the every other day gift of wetness, every other pair of underpants becomes period or "please don't let me die caught in these things" underpants. And you get why double ply toilet paper is the bomb diggity. And you have no idea exactly when you're ovulating. Unless you're ovulating every other day of the month.

I'm just curious exactly what parenthood does to the male jingle jangles. Because my poor girl is tired and most certainly does not need anymore attention. 

Comments

[Dr Elysee on Hemmoroids Disease]

The principal manifestation of internal hemorrhoids is the presence of bright red blood on the toilet tissue or coating the stool. Learn more

[Dr Elysee on Hemmoroids Disease]

The principal manifestation of internal hemorrhoids is the presence of bright red blood on the toilet tissue or coating the stool. Learn more

[Dr Elysee on Hemmoroids Disease]

The principal manifestation of internal hemorrhoids is the presence of bright red blood on the toilet tissue or coating the stool. Learn more

[Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You]

Oh yeah, been there - totallly - has finally stopped, but for a LONG time, was such a problem during ... intimate moments... oh geez, one extreme to the other. Sheesh. I'm SO GLAD I'm done having kids.

[Jessica]

Okay, so I know you've already consigned your Diva Cup to the nether reaches of your liquor cabinet, but you asked for it by posting about secretions again . . . TRY THE DIVA CUP!!! It's great for catching all manner of stuff, and it's a whole lot cheaper and more environmentally friendly than buying new panties and/or pantiliners at Costco on a weekly basis.

[jessicab]

My little guy, child #2, is now 6 months. I was wondering if it was ever going to stop. Sounds like it's not. I have just been buying JUMBO boxes of liners.

[A Jill of All Trades (Wendy)]

Yeah...so, I've experienced the, "I think I just pissed myself" or "I think I just started my period" moments and when I discovered that it was natural lubricant, I was glad that I hadn't announced the aforementioned. Because I tend to do that sometimes: provide TMI to the misfortunate.

I just bought 6 new pair of panties and already...4 of them are now period panties. It's like I've been ovulating for thiw whole month....

Must be the Mirena.

[allie]

Reminds me of a joke:
why did God give women legs? To keep them from making snail tracks..... or something like that.

[Sarah]

ooohhh, ok. so i'm not the only one. now that my 2nd baby is 2 months old and my husband wants to do it every day and i have been telling him we can't because i honestly thought i had been just about to ovulate for like 2 weeks... i'm gonna pretend i haven't been enlightened on this subject, because i'm tired.

[Erin Brown]

This blog and comments had me rolling laughing but in total agreement all at the same time. I've been dealing with heavy discharge like that since I was 14. It's crazy! I thought I had cancer or something! Doctors say it's ok, normal even. NORMAL? Being wet wet aint got me going like a turbo jet, that's all I know! (yes that was a Baby got Back reference!)

[80cat]

I call this leaky old lady twat. Purely to gross out my friends of course who DIE when I mention the term. Posers.

[Michelle]

Flower sent + musk = FISH

I swear, the first time I bought a pack of "scented" pantiliners and wore one, I could have sworn I had tossed a mackerel into my undies. Maybe it's just me.

No one can smell you sweetie. Unless you got some green, itchy, steamy stank festering in your tunnel, only you will know about your ability to slide 10 feet across the floor.

My 13-year old is doing the same thing that I did. No periods yet and needing pantiliners like crazy. She hates it. I told her to get used to it.

No offense intended to men and lesbians, but how in the world can they stand to (I really don't need to finish this sentence)....

[Cheryl]

Spawning two kids made my husband's jingle jangles cry out for a vasectomy. Well, not really. We decided we were "Done." But parenthood caused that, and he's been quite uncomfortable for the last week, what with his *three* stitches, and I've been privately gloating, having had over *twelve* deep tissue stitches just two short months ago.

I still feel like I'm constantly peeing... and one thing I hate about twat snot, especially after babies, is the odor. In my free-spirited college days, being "wet" was practically a badge of honor. Now, I feel icky and like the whole room can smell me. Dammit. I'll take the scented liners please.

[J from Ireland]

So funny and so true.Enuff said!

[RookieMom Whitney]

Totally perfect post to read right after writing my most recent post about things we can discuss with women, even those we hardly know, versus men. Curious how this post made male readers feel :-)

[mothergoosemouse]

I was so tempted to tackle this lovely topic, but I chickened out.

Just one more example of why PG sucks - I haven't bought this many goddamn pantiliners since high school.

[Gidge]

Dude my stuff just dried up.
Perhaps having twins the second time was hormone overload and she just decided to QUIT lubricating at all.

[Woman With Kids]

Twat snot. Love that.

Well, love the name. Kinda hate that. Especially when it happens first thing in the morning, and my uncomfortable panties and I stuck with each other all day.

Makes those 8 hours just *fly* by, right?

[Michelle]

And what happens ladies, when the stuff DRIES???

Can you say CRUSTY CROTCH???

All stuck in your hair. I'd shave it off, but having 3 kids made the skin in that area paper-thin, so no razor is getting near the labias. Trimming the rest is one thing, but cuts on the super-thin-cooter-skin scare the piss out of me.

And I had the "slippery snotty" issue way before kids too. I didn't have periods until age 14, and I'd feel that shit and think it was old Flo starting. At school, no less.

[Mom101]

You are awesome for talking about the things that we're not supposed to. Although it's like that old adage that if men had it, it would be some great badge of honor.

"Yo Charlie, I had like 10 LITERS OF DISCHARGE TODAY. Buy me a beer!"

[ImpostorMom]

yeah, sadly I'm still wearing the Carefree panty liners. Just when I think I can retire then, bam. Ugh

[Submommy]

Here's what I think it does to the boy bits: puts them on semi-permanent hiatus.

And yes, Mossimo t-shirts are meant for 11 year olds. My 36D tatas don't fit in them, either.

Funny story for you - right after my son was born, (insert mental thought here of the fun bleeding, hemmoroids, stitches, leaky boobs, etc) I sent my DH to the store to buy toilet paper. He came home with Scott 1 ply. Sandpaper. Not good.

[Mrs. Three-Balls]

I have the vajayjay leakage issue too. I love the mysteries of the female body -- every time I pull down my pants I'm in for some sort of surprise.

Re: man side-effects -- My husband discovered a cyst in his nutsack around the time my first child turned 1. I had not put out much since she'd been born because she tore my whoseewhatsis all to shit, and because my postpartum crazies made me hate my husband with the fire of a thousand suns.

When he went to the dr. about his new ball, the dr. told him it was some sort of a sperm-filled cyst. My husband in turn blamed me for this, saying it was a result of our inactive sex life.

And that is why I call him Little Johnny Three-Balls.

[Alicia]

Oh my dear Lord, Kristen, I love your blog because you make the icky parts of being a woman absolutly hysterical!

[Jennifer]

I have NO idea what you are talking about?!
*ahem*

[dink(y)]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
"me and Carefree were likethis."

That is my new catchphrase!
Thanks Chrissy.

[Lauren]

A-freaking-men!

[Hyphen Mama]

And try to explain to your kid why they are required to potty in the toilet but Mommy is still allowed to wear diapers!!!

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

Always pantiliners. Essential for everyday life.

[Bill]

14 minutes??? What, is your husband some kind of superman?

I'll check my jingle jangles and get back to you.

[Elizabeth]

And... maybe worse than the 'twat snot' is trying to explain to my young sons why I pee my pants when they tickle me:0

[Oh, The Joys]

Mini pads... not just for once a month anymore.

[Hyphen Mama]

My husband is such a trooper, he'll actually stand in the aisle at the store and talk to me on his cell phone: "Now, which of these Poise pads are you looking for? The super long? Panytliners? Scented?" Gotta love a man who'll do that for his wife who's got TWAT SNOT. I bore his spawn, it's really the least he could do! It's been a solid 4 years, 2 months and 14 days since I've gone sans pantyliner.

Twat snot! That'll keep me laughing all day.

[Redneck Mommy]

Twat snot.

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

And I'm greatly pleased to know I'm not alone in this battle...

[Katie]

Am I the only one here who hasn't had a baby yet still experiences this? Good lord, what am I in for after I have kids?!

[witchypoo]

What's wrong with twat snot? It's loaded with pheromones. Be happy you aren't menopausal, and discovering chin whiskers! Arrrgggh.

[Elizabeth]

Thanks for the post....I thought I was the only one! Yes, I too have run to the restroom at work, thinking that I had started my period.

I also think that the leakage does not damage to my panties....I buy new panties like most people buy milk.

[Laura]

your blog cracks me up.... you go where no one else dares to go!! I love it!

[Wyliekat]

It does nothing to the boy bits, sadly. Which is why they should be fixed once baby-making is over. It's the bloomin' least they can do, you know?

I remember standing in front of my mirror, eight months pregnant, staring at the stretch marks, the saggy boobs, the thigh rolls and the chin rolls and thinking - wow. I'm really taking it for the team here, aren't I? Suddenly, I get why first wives get all pissed off and outraged when their husbands leave them for younger (read: un-baby scarred models).

And then, mine did. But that's another story.

To summarize: I hear ya.

[Kelly]

Sometimes I drink extra amounts of water during the day just to remind myself to go pee and wipe up the "snot". I especially love those moments when it comes on so fast and I'm like "oh shit! Heavy period alert! ALERT ALERT!".

[Kristen]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Fidget and Angie.

[Angie in Texas]

part of the reason the winter season sucks more: coughing and sneezing manage to add another few drops/gushes of goodness to the regular rounds . . .

of course when it happens whilst getting sexy, just explain to your partner that you've just experienced "female ejaculation" . . . =D

[fidget]

from my research, motherhood makes the male jingle jangles want to jingle jangle and bingo bango the mother more. At this rate we'll have 19 kids and I'll have to wear rubber pants

[lora]

this is why I love the blogosphere. It makes me feel normal in the bellybutton-to-knees area. With all the hair and the lumps and the monsoons and such.

[Blonde Chick]

Thank God I'm not the only one with this ...erm, uh... 'issue.'

Yes, like the other commenters... I am pretty tight with Kotex pantiliners. And is it just me or over the the years I have all of a sudden required the "long" version of the liners instead of the regular ones?

GAH.

[Chrissy]

Oh I remember those days. Until this past August, when I had my hysterectomy, I dealt with that for several years.
Not anymore, although I would've preferred a better solution than having the surgery (no that's not the only reason why I had it, LOL)

me and Carefree were likethis.

[Kelly]

Oh dear, my -- what is the term, leukorrhea? -- is way more bountiful these days as well, especially during ovulation, when suddenly I'm made brutally aware of how friggin' damp my panties are. Uh, I can can go through several pairs in a day. Grossness, I know. Talk about feeling 'not so fresh.'