What Part of "We Have Bought All Their Presents Please Don't Send 6000 Plastic Toys" Is So Hard to Understand?

It's got to be the holidays since I'm not living with my in-laws anymore and yet it sort of feels like I am thanks to the two gigantic boxes full of presents we received from them yesterday.

And this was after we begged and pleaded, in the nicest and probably not nicest way possible, to please not send anything but a few gifts at most.

With them, you've got to be creative:

"Our kids are reaaaaaaaaaaaally allergic to plastic and they could die." (Partially true if they send Aquadots, but even the toy recalls don't phase them).

"We spent too much on our house so we can't afford batteries." (There's a tiny ounce of truth to that. Okay not really, but it's not a bad one).

"They just want to see you. They don't really care about presents." (A true statement actually, but they just don't really get that).

But really, we tried our darndest. And we thought we had won them over when they just sent us a check. But that was apparently just an appetizer.

I'm not complaining about generosity because these presents don't come from that lovely deep and generous place. 

I'm complaining about what has been three solid years of some of the loudest, scariest, and most annoying toys that one could purchase. I'm also talking about for the 3000th time just blatantly ignoring our desires and requests, not only for less toys, but also for them to check out some safer suggestions I offered them.

Plus, it's the first Christmas in our new home and it's first time we've actually been able to play "Santa" to our own kids without the in-laws bringing home the entire Value City clearance toy section, which is perfectly acceptable in most cases, just not for me.

The thing is, you just can't put anything nicely. And even when you do, they still don't listen.

Hence the fucking personalized matchbooks at our wedding.

Part of me thinks they believe I'm a heartless bitch who is pained by decorating for the holidays and buying my children any presents so they must make up for the fact by overdoing it.

The other part thinks that material things are the only way they know how to get positive attention and so they buy buy buy to get love.  

Don't get me wrong. I know they're grandparents, people. And as a compromise, I'd just open a few of them up and save the others for future occasions because I'm under the mindset that children do not need to receive an entire toy aisle's worth of toys at Christmastime.

But they're visiting. And so they'll have to open them when they get here. So my in-laws can bask in all their fantastic toy purchasing glory because you know it takes huge talent and skills to buy toys a kid will like.

So is there anyway for me to get out this?

Comments

[Kara]

This is a little late but my MIL has recently started to ask me what to get the kids. I, then, usually try to research some big ticket items (so they'll only buy one or two things) that I'd like them to have. It seems to work and I eliminate all the junky toys that break in seconds.

[carrien]

your inlaws and my husband's grandmother would probably get along just fine. Even when I send her a customized Amazon wish list since I can't stop her from buying, and she asked me to, I still have to deal with noisy made in China crap. Sometimes I have volunteered to shop for her and I order everything myself and she writes me a check after I email her the invoices.

Every other time I just wait for the batteries to die and then trow them away. My husband has stuck them in the freezer when they won't shut up.

I say the day after they leave pack up all the toys they sent that you hate and donate or toss them, and then pull out all of the toys you bought for your children and arrange them all attractively in their play area and they will never miss the noisy toys, and you will never have to look at them again.

(I do it all the time.) But I still find it irksome that they just won't listen, and waste all that money on crap.)

[nicrogers]

I know I will probably be in the minority here but I think you should just be grateful that they want to buy your kids anything. Some kids don't have grandparents of other relatives that want to get them a present much less a box of them. However, I do understand your desire for them to not have all that stuff. Because lets face it, they really dont need tons and tons of plastic crap. So let them open them up, ooh and ahh over it and then after christmas, return it to the store. Buy something else, anything with the money. Or if you cant return it, donate it. You could possibly even save it for next christmas and donate to toys for tots. If they want to immediately open every box, tell them no. Tell the grandparents that since there is so much new stuff, you want to open it gradually so that they can really enjoy each item rather than tearing through them and losing pieces.

[Michele]

There is no way to get out of it. My parents... Since my kids still believe in Santa, give me money, and tell me to get what's on Santa's list. They do not care about it being "from them" or anything - but they REALLY REALLY want to be there Christmas morning to watch them open up! They get absolutely tickled watching their expressions. My in-laws, however, have bought some of the most annoying toys known to man, that have the brightest lights, and annoying noises. FROM THEM, no matter what. But will they be here? No. "We can't afford to come, but you're welcome to join us... Oh, but we made an office out of the spare bedroom, so you'll have to get a hotel." Which they know darn well we can't afford to do. I just let it go. They are who they are, and I can't control them. I can just control what we give and what we do.

[Elizabeth]

My in-laws used to be the same. But they are getting older and shopping wears them out. So this year, we got money to buy the kids something.
But it used to be just like that! I give suggestions (however vague or specific) and it's like they forget how to read! Or they just pick something off the shelf... irregardless of it saying 3+ on the box and our was not even 2. Our son would open the present and they would insist we get the thing out of the box. Lo and behold something breaks, the kids mistreat it. Hmmmm, they think, ho ho this shouldn't be for kids!

Well, duh! I don't get it. It's not hard to read, it's not hard to think about these thing, so why don't they!?

Sorry, I have no solutions for you, either!

[Sheri Bheri]

You should come see us at the forum at motherinlawstories.

This is about control. Your MIL is NOT listening to you and is not interested in getting your kids stuff they WANT, that is SAFE for them. She just wants to *LOOK LIKE* Grandma of the Year.

Go through the gifts, pick out any that are appropriate (rewrap them as needed), donate the rest, trash any that are unsafe.

Do not let your MIL bully you into accepting things that are unsafe, because it's Chr-i-s-s-t-m-a-a-a-s.

You're the Boss of your kids - don't let her nudge you out of the way.

[Deb]

I can understand why you are so upset, but I can also understand why your MIL wants to give so many gifts AND pick them out herself. It might give her great pleasure to see her grandchildren open so many gifts. Is that really so evil? I think it's tacky to instruct grandparents what to buy their grandchildren. Why not use this as an opportunity to teach your children gratitude and how to thank someone for a gift even if it is horrendous. I used to get some really boring Bible games from my great Aunt for Christmas every single year, and every year my mother would sit me down at the table to write a thank you note to her. I still donated the boring gift to charity, but I learned that it was more important to be kind to my aunt than to get what I wanted. Being kind to your MIL is more important than getting your way here. If you choose to donate the items, so be it. She doesn't need to know. But it isn't fair to fume at her because you wanted her to buy you something else. You don't have the right to dictate how she spends her money.

[wookie]

wow. I feel for you, and I don't have any useful suggestions. Whatever you can get your husband on board with is probably your best bet. Hopefully despite all the unwrapping, you'll be able to keep most of them boxed up and therefore donatable easily.

[Antonia]

My father reluctantly spent last Christmas with his 2nd wife's grandchildren, who are spoilt rotten. He decided that Baby Jesus only got three presents; the same limit should apply to children everywhere.

My mother always goes insane buying too much crap at Christmas. I feel sort of sick inside when I think about all the wasted money, all the tacky plastic of Christmas, just because people have been brainwashed to expect Stuff.

Humbug.

[april]

I don't think you should lie or mislead the grandparents about what happens to the toys. Whether or not you let the kids open the presents, be honest with the Grandparents about the fact that you will be returning/donating/regifting them. On the one hand, I think it is just bad to lie, and it puts you in the wrong as well as the grandparents; and on the other hand, telling them straight up lets them know you are serious about not wanting the gifts and that they can't force their way simply by ignoring your wishes.

Personally, I am kind-of mean, and if they continued to be blatantly disrespectful of my wishes, after a year or two of doing the above, I wouldn't let them give my kids anything at all - I would put return to sender on the box :) But I think before you go to that extreme, you should try a little bit of a compromise, they might think the toys you like are lame (no offense) so let them get 1 or 2 things they pick out as long they aren't completely objectionable, but also request that they do get some of the things you suggest as well.

I agree with Amy that kids need to be able to build a good independent relationship with their grandparents, and that part of that is spoiling and being different from mom and dad, so give them a little bit of wiggle room, but be firm that they respect your boundaries as well.

[Wanda]

Tell them you never got the packages...unless they read your blog. You could tell them that you put the boxes in the car or garage to hide them from the kids and they were stolen.

[scatteredmom]

I think there is a real difference between letting grandparents spoil the kids, and them going completely against your wishes just because they feel like it.

I saved my worries for the times when they blatently ignorned my wishes and it was detrimental to my kid. (ie-feeding him mounds of crap until he literally pukes or completely undermining our discipline in front of us). If they want to buy him things, go for it. If I disagree with the item I just re-gift, return, or donate it.

[Amy]

I'm currently feeling your pain! This is my son's first Christmas and I wanted to set a good precident. I spent hours searching for handmade and natural toys on the internet. I set up a del.ici.ous page that listed stores that sold said toys and stores that sold handmade clothes. I then tagged specific items in a wishlist and alerted the grandparents months in advance. My mom agrees with my stance and pretty much listened. The in-laws not so much.

A couple of weeks ago, we got our own big box of crap. And, of course, as soon as my husband went to work I cut the tape off the packages and took a peek. They bought one thing off the list. The smallest and least expensive, I might add. Some ugly Wal-Mart clothes. (These people are not hurting for money.) And a freaking sketch pad from the paper isle at Wal-Mart--for a ten month old!

Ugg! I hate to sound so bitchy, but we don't make a whole lot of money and can't afford to buy many(high-quality natural) toys for the kid, so we were kind of counting on the grandparents to step up. Oh, well. At least they're in Florida and won't see our faces when it's time to open presents.

[Amy]

Garage fire?

[Dhoppe]

have the kids seen the boxes yet? You could thoughtfully deposit them in the garbage and then when your inlaws ask, just say there had been a rash of package burlaries this season.

[jessicab]

I have no suggestions. Your screwed. Maybe when the new has worn off you can sneak them out of the house and donate them to charity.

I am fortunate enough to have parents and inlaws that listen. Well my mom doesn't really get the toy recall stuff, but she does ask for suggestions. I have to keep on sometimes but she finally concedes when I tell her no more toys.

My MIL on the other hand is great at asking for help. She asked what I felt was safe. They don't go overboard and usually get the children something like outside toys, music cds or anything that encourages them to use their imaginations and get up and move.
Oh, and she does the most awesome sewing and decorating of clothes. All the kids love getting clothes etc from Memaw and Paw.

[sadie]

My in-laws won't buy my kids toys or at least the few they do they complain about. They constantly go on about how my kids have too much as it is yet they never visit so how would they know? And actually my kids don't have that much because I keep it to a minimum (at least compared to what I've seen at other houses). What is my point? I feel your pain but I wish that my in-laws (their only living grandparents) were a little more "fun" with their gifts and not just buy practical things like snow coats when we live in freakin' San Francisco!

[fidget]

there could a rather unfortunate present fire.. of course that would mean sacrificing either your new carpet or new wood... how much do you hate these plastic crappy things ?

[GHD]

I'm convinced that my husband's inheritance in under our tree in the form of plastic-y goodness for our son. I'm none to please about it myself...

[Jenine]

This one hits really close to home. I have the exact same problem with my parents. They frequent garage sales, flea markets and 90% off bins. Then they send boxes and boxes of musty toys or extremely loud plastic gadgets that are either unsafe or age inappropriate for my girls. I've tried to explain to them not to send so much stuff. I've asked them not to send certain types of toys. We've even asked them to not send things at all (before we had the girls - this is a long going problem).

No matter how I bring it up, they are offended. I can't think of a single way to broach the subject without someone getting hurt feelings and it escalating into estrangement (which has happened once already).

My husband says that I should just outright tell them to stop sending us complete and utter crap. And really, we ARE talking about crap here. However, I can't do that for a number of reasons. I think that ultimately their intentions are good. They just go about it the wrong way. No matter how I told them, it wouldn't go well. They may be on a strict budget - money isn't something we've ever discussed. They might honestly not think the stuff they pick up is crap. I think I might be doing a disservice to them by having them spend money (even if it's only a buck or two) for items that I trhow away. The list goes on.

So here is what it comes down to. When I brought this question up several years ago I was asked how often they visited. I said rarely. The suggestion to me then was that I open everything first, weed out the absolutely horrific items, and leave any items that aren't just awful. Then box up the terrible stuff immediately and donate it. Thank them for the presents but remove them and don't allow them to clutter up your home. The kids have less to open. The grandparents are thanked. Since they don't visit often, they won't wonder about the toys and other junk.

I'm sorry I can't give you any advice other than what everyone else seems to be saying. It makes it harder on you as the culprits of your crap presents will actually be visiting you. I think you need to get with your husband and make sure you're on the same page about this.

You can always give in this once and say that since the deed is already done, even though you made requests that weren't taken into consideration, you'll allow all the gifts to be opened. But this is the last time. Just stick to your guns next time round. Or perhaps tell them that you'll give them a wish list next time and to pick gifts off of that.

Or you can allow them to open only a few and save the rest for other occasions. This might just send them into a tizwaz though so be prepared.

Whatever you decide. You need to present a united front. You don't need your in-laws playing your husband against you and you don't need them playing your children against you. Get your husband for backup and they'll soon back down because I'm sure it's one thing for them to butt heads with you, but the both of you? I doubt they'll want to do that.

Best of luck!

[Reiza]

oMG. OMG. OMG. Our family did the same freaking thing.

We put our foot down and refused to let the kids have the toys. I was bitch mom and opened all their gifts before them.

I brought back what I could and donated the rest.

What part of NO PLASTIC TOYS is so freaking difficult?

[Manic Mommy]

Dude I say pick your battles. It's about your stress level, not theirs.

They aren't going to spend every Christmas with you so don't sweat this year. Drew is waaaay too young to get it and Q isn't going to remember anyway.

Once the Sinlaws leave, store/donate/regift most of them.

[motherofbun]

Next year talk about how they need money in their college funds? A small toy and check? I dunno.

Hey, my MIL buys stuff from garage sales and gives it to us (ALL of us, even the boy) for Christmas. One year, she wrapped up stuff I'd loaned her and gave that to me.

So what we've started doing is complaining about college costs and how our son REALLY needs savings bonds and contributions to his 529. Seems to work.

Good luck.

[Jennifer]

This is what I do with the in-laws who instist on buying the entire Toys R Us/ Disney store for my kids for Christmas:
Christmas Eve, they each get to pick 2 presents to open. After Christmas day, I'll open anything that goes with an open toy (dora figures for Dora house for example), but nothing new. Then the rest gets stored for a later day. The absolutly innappropriate stuff gets given away or sold on Ebay. New stuff comes out as kids outgrow old toys and are given away to charity/other family members.
I've tried to rationalize with them and have given up after 5 years.

[Michelle]

This is not an issue of "spoiling the kids" or establishing an independent relationship with them. This is a FIGHT FOR DOMINANCE. They don't see you as a person suitable to make decisions for the children, so they must overrule you however they can.

Normal grandparents will indulge children in a healthy way by getting them more expensive gifts that perhaps mom and dad have ok'd or would be ok with. But grandparents who deliberately violate a parent's wishes are TOXIC. And their wish to watch the children open the gifts does not deserve to be honored. They will continue with this behavior until they realize that you are a force with which to be reckoned.

So what if they get mad if you stand up to them and say, "I told you what to send when you asked, and you flagrantly ignored my wishes. You have no one to blame but yourselves".

And if they try to make snide comments to your husband or children, tell them to leave your house. They can get a hotel room. Life is too fucking short to put up with people who hurt you on purpose.

[margalit]

Ew, my grandmother was the same type. Never listened to a word my parents said. Hence civil war in our family.

So a question: How much will they remember about what they sent?

If they have a steel trap mind or have written down every present, you're gonna have to open some of them. I wouldn't open them all. What I WOULD do is say it's to excessive and you'll be opening then gradually during the next couple of months when the kids do something extra special as rewards. Makes you seem like a concerned and loving parent.

Then, after they leave, I'd gather up a good portion of what they gave you and donate it to a battered women's shelter or a children's hospital, or better yet, a state run clinic that has a pile of toys that are gross in their waiting room. They need the toys more than your kids do.

By the time Passive Aggressive and Peeping Tom come for another visit, they will have forgotten the toys they sent, so you can just look wide-eyed and innocent if they ask about something, and then say "Oh, POOOOOR Quinn left it in the park!" Heh.

Two can play at the passive aggressive game.

[caramama]

I think that since the issue is they are not respecting your wishes that you have expressed to them, I don't think you have any obligation to them seeing the kids open all the toys while they are there. You have told them not to send so many, and I think you can show them that meant it by not giving the kids all of them.

I really like The Other Sister-In-Laws' comment about telling them ahead of time that you will donate any gifts over xx many. Since it's a little late for that, maybe you could ask them which ones are most important for the kids. Tell them the rest are going to be donated to children who are less fortunate, since your children have so many toys already.

How frustrating for you! Good luck!

[Wendy]

I say let the kids open them and let them know that the grandparents were responsible. Then slowly start phasing them out. "Oh no, I have no idea where that (insert plastic crap here). I guess (insert plastic crap) magically disappeared."

I did this more times than not and my kids were never the wiser. You would be surprised at how kids forget as soon as you show them (insert shiny item here).

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

...and I just noticed other people mentioned donating. I should have read the other comments first!

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

When you request that they not send a billion toys, why not also tell them that if they send more than the alloted amount, those gifts will be donated to charity? That way, if they still don't listen, needy kids will get some toys, and you have also informed them of this, so they shouldn't have any room to complain. Just a thought. Or, if they're going to visit, tell them not to send gifts...they can only bring what they can fit in their luggage. Maybe that would help.

[Phoenix]

Take out two for each of the kids and turn around and donate the rest. Seriously. Then just make sure Q thanks them for the ones she got by name and they won't know the difference.

My dad and step-mom always sent us way to much crap....but mostly it was just to piss off my mom. Sounds like they are doing it just to spite you.

[Submommy]

We have copious amounts of plastic crap in our house, too. Here's the way that I see it - you let the kids have the opening frenzy, you know where they just keep opening and opening and opening - they haven't a clue what they got and who gave them what. (that's what happens at my IL's house). Pack 'em up, put them in the garage, say "thank you" and move on.

You can fight this battle up front and 'in your face' or you can go the passive-aggressive route which I've been very successful with. Smile, say 'thank you' and then tuck the toys away for regifting, donation, etc. You get the tax write off, so they're back-handedly helping you out.

Battling with your in-laws is a fruitless endeavor, IMO, unless they are blatantly destructive to you, your marriage, or your children. (Like, drugs, abuse, etc.) I mean, you'll out last them, anyway, right?

[Stacey]

I have this problem with my family as well. I'm hoping that maybe this year my flat out honesty got through to them. I don't like toys that make useless noise. if you want to give them a truck buy a plain old truck, not one with buttons that make it play hip hop and peeling out noises while bouncing up & down. This year, instead of saying "I'd prefer non noisy toys or battery operated toys and here are some suggestions of things that go with stuff the boys already have. Look they are in a variety of price ranges & easily available" which is what I usually do. I said "Anything that makes noise or needs a battery will be sent to Goodwill on Dec 26th. If you want to give toys to charity please visit your own Goodwill and cut out the middleman, me. I am getting your children books & board games"
Because sometimes when you know being polite will not work, you have to be blunt.

[Redneck Mommy]

Let the kids open them. They'll get so many that they are bound to forget about at least half of what they get. Then when the inlaws from hell hit the road put most of it away and dole it out through the year.

Or regift it upon people who annoy you.

Good luck!

[mothergoosemouse]

Echoing what others have said - it's a great way to teach your kids about the joy of giving to others who don't have grandparents (or even parents) that can spoil the heck out of them. Tacy gets a major kick out of culling the extraneous toys, knowing that they're going to be enjoyed by other children who don't have nearly as much as we do.

So open away. And a week later, gather them up and head to the nearest Goodwill donation center.

(And when your in-laws ask, you can tell them "Plastic toys break easily. That's why I suggested all of those alternatives." Heh.)

[Rebecca]

Oh,I so feel your pain.However,it isn't my in-laws that we have this situation with - it's MY family,especially my mother. And not only at Christmas time! Crazy,I tell ya

[Heide.Estes]

For various reasons, I share your frustration about the number of gifts. I try to keep packaging so I can repackage (if things even come out of their boxes) and rotate toys in and out of the closet for a few weeks. When I see what actually gets played with (or even asked for) those are the keepers, and the others go to charity. In our lives, that's less of an issue than sweets and desserts. We don't eat them regularly; the grandparents constantly provide them. With a smile, I say within the hearing of both grandparent and child something like, "You're the grandmother, you get to spoil him." I feel fortunate to have had a great relationship with my one surviving grandmother, and I want to do what I can to make sure my kid has strong memories of all of his grandparents.

[attiton]

I keep getting pacifier chains and other pacifier-related crap, long after I've told my MIL that our daughter doesn't use them! And, I'm no pacifier-phobe...she just doesn't want one. Obviously, I must be wrong. Sigh.

[2shews]

I'm with everyone-- donation, donation, donation. And be honest about it. You can use this as an opportunity to teach the kids that other kids don't have as many nice things, and maybe your in-laws will get the hint. Or, you can shelve them like I do, and regift them throughout the year. Saves you money and since your kids won't be buying the 400 birthday gift toys that will come in the next 12 months, it's almost like they are helping to cut that cost, since they are donating their toys.

[jackie]

I say let the kids open them with grandparents, play with them a little, and then when they're bored with them in a month or two just drop a bunch off to Goodwill.

[Liza]

I say if you truly hate it, have the post office lose the boxes in the mail -- perhaps they could accidentally go to goodwill instead of your house. Or if it's irritating as hell but you can live with it, let them have their child-spoiling glory and in January do a big goodwill donation of outgrown/inappropriate toys after they've gone.

[heather]

My MIL is the same way. It's annoying - truly annoying. I've gotten rid of more toys from her than I care to admit. When she asks about the toys, I usually say "I'm sure they're around here somewhere. These kids have more toys than I can keep track of". I've also done the re-gifting thing with her presents.
The overbearing overgifting has always bothered me, but I decided it was a battle I wasn't willing to fight (there are so many others to choose from with her), so I just grin and bear it. However, I did say something when it became obvious that my MIL favored my daughter over my son. Daughter received several more gifts than her brother last Christmas and birthday (and Valentine's, and Easter) so I told MIL that unless she sent the same number for each kid, I would only give each of them one gift each from whatever she sent. We haven't received anything yet this year - I think I may have pissed her off. Ooops!

[Hyphen Mama]

Tell them both boxes arrived. Pick a couple of gifts for each kid--unwrap if necessary to pick a few decent ones. HIDE the others (or just head down to the local Toys for Tots collection site NOW). When asked where "the other" gifts are, ask what they mean. Let them believe that they've lost their minds and that there WERE NO OTHER GIFTS IN THE BOXES.

Oh wait. That's my own fantasy. That comes from 13 years of living hell with my own in-laws.

When each of my 2 kids were a few MONTHS old, my in laws got them the ride in, battery operated cars. And they make a huge big deal about it all. OH LOOK we gave him a HUMMER and he's only a few months old. We now have 3 of these driving vehicles. 2 of them had to be toted to off-site storage and I made them keep one at their house. Over $1000 worth of unnecessary, appropriate toys that my kids don't use. AND I told them specifically when I was pregnant with baby #2 NOT TO BUY ONE OF THOSE DAMNED CARS! They did it anyway. It gets very, very old. Because it's just a showing of how much they can afford, regardless of it's use and what our wishes are.

OK, my blood pressure is rising.

[Christy]

Oh hell no. Stick to your guns. They already know what your wishes were...yet THEY chose to ignore them. Politely mention that all the money that they spent on crap would have been better spent in their COLLEGE FUND!!!

We finally convinced our parents to donate to the kiddo's college fund. Now she can actually go to college, if she ends up like me...instead of her brilliant father!

[Her Grace]

I empathize.

But I think, in the end, the right thing to do is to let them open their gifts and have their glory. After they leave, choose the most offending toys to donate. Store the rest for travel/rainy days/when you need 5 minutes to yourself. Leave one or two out with their Christmas gifts from you.

Honestly, I don't think it's appropriate to say, "Just send us money." You could say, "Please don't get us anything," but either way, they'll never listen.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

It's less about the gifts and more about just respecting our values.

Certainly spoiling the grandkids can be done without sending a huge number of toys. Time spent together is much more valuable to us.

I think it's fair to ask for a happy medium.

[Amy]

My mom's parents died young - they were 52 and 62 years old. Grandma died when I was a sophomore in high school.

The thing I remember most about her was that she spoiled us rotten. Every year we'd go out for ice cream after school on the first day. Ice cream at three in the afternoon! And she often showed up at our house with a bucket of chicken from KFC. Not health food, certainly.

Christmas was so extravagant that 16 years later, I still haven't gotten over the feeling that it's not really Christmas without her. She got me a 30 day cruise in Europe (around the Baltic Sea) one year for my birthday (I think it was my 13th). When we spent the night at her house, she let us stay up until 11 pm, and then she'd get up early with us and make us donuts from scratch. I'm not sure I ever heard her say the word "no."

In other words, grandparents get to spoil their grandkids. It's part of the magic of that relationship. It's really unfair and (dare I say it?) controlling of you to let your issues with them interfere with their relationship with their grandkids (note that I didn't say "your kids").

Yes, they're your kids, but they're people, and they have the right to form relationships with their grandparents that are independent of you and how you feel about your in-laws.

I don't believe that you have the right to say, "You can't give them this," assuming that the gift isn't Aquadots or something else harmful (we've had to put toys away that were not age appropriate, but we'll get them out, later, when they are). If you want to limit the amount of crap in your house, then let your kids choose which toys go to Goodwill. If they're too young to choose, then watch what they do and don't play with, and take the least favorite things until the toys are at a manageable level.

Their grandparents won't be around forever. Give them the space to build their relationship with the kids, and let them be who they are - not who you want them to be - while they're around.

Receiving the gifts graciously, even the ones you hate, will teach your kids more about giving and receiving, in the long run, too.

Oh, I do go on... Make sure that none of the gifts "fell" in the cart, though. Wouldn't want another duck incident. :)

[TheFeministBreeder]

I agree with the others. Let your kids pick out a few, then send all the rest off to the Salvation Army.

Then when the Evil IL's ask you where they went, say "I TOLD you we didn't need any more plastic shit around here, so I gave them away! Are you happy now?!?!?"

Okay, well, say it a little nicer than that. But you get my point.

[amy]

yes. there is. play mommy dearest. after they leave-wait a week or so and scoop up what they kids dont really want, along with what you do not want to have in your house anymore, and donate the stuff. we do it every year. it is not worth fighting over.

[Tiffany]

If it really is important to you that they listen to you on this topic...send the gifts back or inform them that many of them have been donated to a charity. If it is something you truly feel strong about then stick to your guns and do what you think is right. Yes, they are grandparents and spoiling is part of the game but they are your children and thus you get to make the decisions concerning your children. If you can handle the trouble that may come after and it still seems important and worthwhile then go for it.

[Devan]

Can't you tell them you only got one box and that the other one mysteriously got lost in transit?

Otherwise, I don't think you can get out of letting the kids open them all while the IL's are there.
Of course, what you do with them after the IL's leave is another story...

[Assertagirl]

Ugh, my MIL threatens to do "what she thinks is right" when our plans don't fit in with her ideals. Maybe after Christmas you'll have to sneak a few away for awhile?

[Mrs. Chicky]

This would drive me crazy.

I say after Christmas a lot of those toys end up at the Salvation Army or some place like that.

[Kristen]

Agreed Kelly. Hence why I'm venting on my blog and not at them.

But in the long scheme of things, it does become frustrating when you've expressed your wishes time and time again and they don't listen.

Sometimes too much of a good thing isn't always good.

[Kelly]

I don't know... I can understand your frustration, but then again, they're grandparents. What does it matter if they spoil your kids a little bit? I think this is one of those issues where you just need to relax and pick your battles.

Some of the things your in laws have done was awful, and you were totally right to be annoyed or angry. But this... I'm not sure if it falls in the same category.

[Kristen]

They sent the presents because they couldn't fit them in their suitcase.

[NG]

I think I'd go with the whole donating to charity thing previously mentioned....

Oh who am I kidding? I'd take the gifts, say "thank you", then put about half of them in the closet and use them to regift at birthday parties throughout the coming year. My "thank you" would be sincere because getting me out of shopping for a gift every time a friend has a baby or a birthday party for their kid would be the best gift of all.

[PA]

To me, it sounds like the perfect opportunity to teach your kids about those less fortunate. Have them pick out a couple and then make a trip to a shelter or orphanage where those kids will be more than glad to get some plastic toys. When the grandparents ask, just tell them. They can hardly complain about giving stuff to more needy children, and if they do, hey, you told them. Next year maybe they'll think twice before ignoring your wishes.

[Bitchy Mom]

I would stash them away... give them to them later, re-gift, or make a few bucks and sell them on eBay.

Kids don't need THAT many toys. It makes them think all there is in life is toys and encourages that "gimme more" mentality.

Do the inlaws have to visit? If they are visiting, why did they send the presents ahead of time?

Maybe you could send a few back and tell them to save them for the kids birthday!!

[Jo]

Stick to your guns! Just let them open a couple. Stash the rest away safely and tell them that too many presents will overstimulate them and say it's not up for discussion. Sometimes, you do what you can to respect them, and then draw the line, because they are YOUR children.

[motherbumper]

I just tell myself that the Value Village/Salvation Army Store is getting a major shipment this year via me a la relatives. As long as the toys aren't going to harm anyone (uh hello, aquadots?) why not send them along and "share the joy".

[Jennifer]

We have been there! Two years ago we drove back from Florida with no less than 12 wrapped presents per child. I have learned now. I request, in advance, a present big enough for each child to eat up most of my MIL's budget per child. Last year it was asking for a bike for my older daughter and for a big Fisher Price village for my youngest. This year we took it a step further, just asked for $$ to buy a swingset for the backyard. The other thing might be to ask for the grandparents to pay for some sort of lesson for the upcoming year - swim lessons, music class, dance class, or a membership to a children's museum.

The other thing we did that made us exceedingly unpopular was to say "No toys with batteries" when the kids were under 2. Man, were we the grinches, but it kept our house so much more peaceful!

[lora]

I'm a chronic re-gifter. I pile everything in the basement and go "shopping" every time I have to go to a kiddie party or toy drive

[Christina]

Ugh, that's tough. Luckily I've managed to convince most of the family this year to get the girls things they need, like new car/booster seats and clothing.

Maybe have the kids open all of the toys with the in-laws there, then as soon as they leave hide some of the toys, and bring them out slowly throughout the year? Then when you bring out a new toy, you can ask that an older toy be given away to a child who doesn't have any toys to play with.

[jill]

Darling, I totally understand. All my relatives live 16 hours away, and in my daughters 9 years, my parents have visited her ONCE (when she was 2 months old) and my sister never. They and my sister don't plan to visit, just send loads of cr@ppy toys that are inappropriate in age or come from the dollar store and fall apart in minutes. We typically store the big box o' cr@p in the garage and open it later, after christmas, because we know there is usually nothing good in it.
This year, I was very direct. I made a wish list on amazon and sent the link to them and my sister, and my sister actually read it! My folks, not so much, but hey, it is still progress!