I gave in to my daughter's
pestering request for a piece of gum.
I know, first it's gum, then it's a padded bra and a Bratz doll. But what's so bad about minty fresh breath wafting from the tiny mouth of a three and a half year old?
I mean, she's talking all the time anyway, her breath might as well smell like a mighty spearmint wind.
I'm not sure what did me in. It could be the overwhelming guilt that her brother keeps ripping all her princess stickers to bits. Or that she stuck her hand out in an "Oliver Twist can I please have some more" way and I couldn't help myself.
But there she was, chomping away on her little tiny spearmint piece of Trident.
I felt like I had just taken her shopping for a training bra.
"Don't swallow it," I said about 40 times, her eyes in shock as she tasted the sugar-free chemical goodness of her bright green gum.
"Now look. It's not candy, you just chew it over and over and over and then swallow your own sugary spit until it starts to taste like
ass cardboard and if you're done with it by god don't swallow it or throw it on the ground because that's bad for the earth because it's made from a combination of weird substances that even your stomach enzymes can't tear apart."
Then I realized how incredibly gross gum is.
And then she asked for another piece.
[Dare I ask if you let your preschoolers chew gum?]