My Husband, the Sucker

Even I have shown shades of domestic reform thanks to my shiny new hardwood floors and fantastic gas stove. I don't just shrug off the daily milk spills and splattering grease anymore.

Looky looky. I'm a changed woman!

But put my husband in a brand spanking new house and he's two balls and one very huge penis (he made me include that tidbit) away from a 90-year-old woman. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't even make it to 35 without putting plastic on our furniture.

Far be it for me to complain about a husband who is an obsessive cleaner, particularly a vacuum connoisseur. I know there would be a lot of happy wives and verrrry happy husbands around if they just took a cue from mine.

But clearly there's a difference between a desperate husband who vacuums once a week to get laid, and my crazed one who vacuums the same spots at least twice a day and, get this, makes me walk on the outside of the carpeted stairs so I don't wear down the center because well, um, I don't exactly know why.

Now if making your wife trot up steps like she's doing some weird step aerobics routine doesn't make her hot for you, then damnit I don't know what will.

Everyone wants to blow Mr. Domestic until he starts telling you where you can and can't walk on your own fucking steps and complaining about the new Dyson that doesn't adequately suck carpet fuzz off a fuzzy carpet.

That would basically make him an old batty woman with sheets on her couches my mother-in-law.

But now that we recently purchased a Dustbuster, I think that I might just lose my mind. Of course, I never think of purchasing helpful cleaning products on my own. I happened to have been copied on a group email exchange between Julie and Liz (clearly by accident, I'm sure) regarding the effectiveness of the new Dustbuster. And then I came up with this amazingly original thought that sounded something like "Hmmm... I could use a little something like that to clean out the high chair and all the crumbs that don't get picked up by my 99 cent dustpan and broom."

Yes. I'm old school. At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Little did I know that my husband would attach the fucking thing to his hand like Captain Hook. Except it's not a cool hook because his hand was eaten off by a big bad crocodile. It's a handheld vacuum that he waves around like some crazed laser pointer wielding weather person.

In fact, I haven't even actually used the thing yet because he's so smitten with it. My only solution is to add some sort of vibrating attachment to the damn thing.

And then Captain Vac wouldn't be so bad after all.

Comments

[ycKATIE]

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[Gretta]

Hilarious! He would die if he saw our place.

[JaniceNW]

When I was first married to McHub(1986) he was the same freaking way. He would vacuum out of the room backwards so there were no footprints. Now, he barely ever vacuums except for his car. I and my teen boys have broken him. Muahahahahahaha.

[Value wIT]

Puleeze. I feel your pain. I live with Mr. Clean and the act gets tired. The night before trash day my husband is so excited as he picks every last Qtip out of the trash. All night he walks each piece of new trash outside to the curb. On trash morning he gets sad as the trash truck leaves for another 7 days.

I'll never mention the carpet-step thing or it will become my fate.

[Michelle]

I'm lucky to have one who vacuums. He's as impressed by our Kirby as I am, and I guess he wants to get his money's worth. I never thought I'd get him to spend 2 grand on a vacuum cleaner with the carpet shampoo system and all the fixins, but he did.

Now if he goes anywhere near the laundry, he's in trouble. After he ruined new towels in 2004, I break into a cold sweat when I see him walk toward the laundry room door.

But slobs really are the worst. I would die if I had that to deal with.

[Shannon]

My husband is the sheet straightening Nazi who will WAKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT to bitch about why I didn't straighten up the bed before I went to sleep.

He has run the vac about 4 times in the 6 years we've lived here, and mopped 3 times. I keep tabs. I've learned to ask him why he didn't scrub the toilet as he bemoans my bed sloth. It's a trade off I guess.

I LOVE your blog, it's my new fav. Thanks for the laughs! Shannon

[mindi]

I recently discovered your blogs and blogging in general (see - there is someone even "older school" than you!) and your writing never fails to deliver a smail! Just wanted to say I feel your pain. I'm married to the same guy!

[theotherbear]

Poor you - I feel your pain, I'm married to one of those.

[emily]

If he's dissing the Dyson, he does truly have problems....

[Anniemom]

Are we married to the same dude? This fooking vacuum obsession business has been a major bone (heh) of contention between us, a la "Don't go around vacuuming behind me, it makes me feel inadequate and it's a turn off" for a looooong time. Drives me friggin nuts! I think it's the passive aggressive vacuuming that is the problem, cause who doesn't like a clean house courtesy Mr. Mr? It's when there's any implication of "This place is a pigsty" that my special angry twitch kicks in. Sigh.

[merlotmom]

Wish my husband would even CONSIDER vacuuming but I do get your point. There's only room for one neurotic in my house....

[Manic Mommy]

Santa brought RC a DustBuster - actually it's a Dirt Devil because he's freakishly obsessesed with the vacuum. And it has a little smaller crevice attachment you may want to look into.

Men and their vacuums perhaps not such an uncommon fetish after all.

[witchypoo]

For pete's sake, do not let him know that dustbusters came with a power nozzle at one time. I don't know if they still do, because I don't care anymore.

[Heather B.]

"Everyone wants to blow Mr. Domestic until he starts telling you where you can and can't walk on your own fucking steps and complaining about the new Dyson that doesn't adequately suck carpet fuzz off a fuzzy carpet."

a) That was very funny.

b) Does he want to come clean my apartment? One could fashion a snazzy sweater with the amount of cat hair in that place.

[burbani]

My husband is the same way! I actually detest the sound of the vacuum! He vacuumes at least twice a day if not more often, with the Dyson. He even vacuums our vacuum - with our dustbuster!

[Lisa]

Send him to my house ! he could vacuum/dustbust to his wittle heart's content :)

then again - he could get 2 steps inisde my door, see the state of said carpet and have a coronary...

I'll leave the decision up to you.

[Bitchy Mom]

Yeah, no dissing the Dyson! My hubby bought me one for Christmas and it's the best vacuum EVER! And loves using it.

Happy wife and happy husband here!

[Kristyn]

I love your site so much that I'm plugging it on my blog: http://newmomstyle.blogspot.com/2008/01/motherhood-uncensored-love-this-site.html

My girlfriends are a crazy group of new moms (or moms to be) who really appreciate a smart ass comment and a great parenting tip. Your site supplies plenty of those.

Congrats on the new house!

[Wendy]

I was with him until he started dissing on the Dyson. That is a superior vaccum, dude, maybe you just can't handle it.

[Damselfly]

Gah! How come men seem to be one extreme or the other -- big slobs or Mr. Clean?

[Heather]

My husband drives me insane with vaccuuming too. I'm all like "didn't you just vaccuum last week?" What's the big deal about crumbs all over the floor anyway. Sheesh.

I do love my Dustbuster though. When our first one broke 2 years ago I had to buy a new one the next day. Can't be without a hand vac. It's just not right.

[House frau]

Consider yourself lucky. It is better than living with a slob! By the way, I love my Dyson animal, because it works and mostly because it's purple.

[mama k]

hahaha

You just decribed my father in law. He freakin LOVES his dustbuster. He just pushes the button vroom vroom to hear the pretty sound sometimes.

[Kristen]

Yep. We should get sashes for our scratch patrolers!

[Jill in Atlanta]

Not my husband, but my 3yo son! I bought a "shark" vacuum (basically a dustbuster with a detachable handle) and the child loves it. He vacuums for me and argues with his brother for the opportunity. I think I've scored big!

[Julie Pippert]

I'm dying laughing here. Yes, I admit it: I fantasize about a husband who cleans. Or at least cares a little bit (more). But you make me see the slippery slope that could be. I think. It still sounds sort of hot to me.

[mothergoosemouse]

I can't stop laughing.

I think I'm getting my Dustbuster today, but I promise it won't turn into an actual bodily attachment.

[canape]

I thought that I would love the new bamboo floors in our house so much. I guess I do, but what I don't love is the "scratch" patrol that K does every day when he gets home from work. Gah.

[jessicab]

I can't even remember the last time my husband vacuumed. That being said I hardly ever have to go out in the freezing temperatures to feed and water animals or mow or those type things and he did wash all the laundry last week.

I wish I could be a little obsessive like him though.