Welcome Back to SAHMville

I was learning the ropes of the base commissary the other day when my husband asks "You are going to make me lunches now, right?"

I'll be making you something, alright, but not exactly the kind of sandwich you'd really enjoy eating (thanks TNG)

To his credit, he was mostly joking. But in my world, all jokes come with a teeeeeeeny bit of seriousness. Like "I'm just kidding so don't get pissed off and write a post about it but it would be really great if you made my lunches every day" kind of joking.

For me, making lunches for your spouse is like giving him blow jobs (except on most many almost all days, I'd rather make lunch). You know, you start out doing it because you love him and you want to offer him this gesture of your love. But then, it's not as great as you thought it was, but when you don't do it, you feel sort of bad. But it's kind of a pain in the ass so you stop. But then he asks for it and you're like "okay fine, I'll do it, but don't start expecting it all the time" but it's too late because he already does.

Sound at all familiar?

I had officially escaped SAHMville (as I call it) since last Fall when I moved in with the in-laws. With huz was away all the time, dinners were mostly on the fly and lunches were totally non-existent. I just grabbed whatever I saw in the fridge, made sure there was protein and veggies involved, and slapped it on a plate. My kids didn't care. And I most certainly did not care.

Less cooking, less dishes, way less hassle.

Now maybe you think lunches aren't so bad to make, really. I mean, what's so hard about popping some leftovers in a tupperware container and sticking that along with some sort of fruit in a bag?

Well, if that were the case, then I wouldn't complain.

But my husband is the lunch editor. He will go through his lunch, even on those butt crack early days, and leave out what he doesn't want. I'd wake up to find apple slices, raisin boxes, or on really bad days, entire sandwiches left in the fridge (which wasn't terribly bad because then at least I'd have something to eat).

And generally speaking, he doesn't like leftovers, or certain kinds of cookies, or yogurt on some days, or cheese as a snack, or plain crackers, or too many pieces of fruit, or too much mustard and mayo (correct amount is still yet to be determined)...

That means after I've made an entire dinner, I generally have to make an entire lunch. From scratch. And I don't really like to do that. Does anyone really like to do that? It's already mentally taxing for me to come up with five dinners a week. But add another five planned meals and I'm domestically maxed out.

So, I figure he can eat the same lunch that I eat every day. And all of you moms with two little kids know exactly what that is, right?

Yep. I thought so.

Comments

[erin]

mine prefers to get his own anyway. he's a big guy, i think i made him one too many little girl lunches and he decided better get his own than to remain hungry. plus, while i make dinner i make him hold the screaming infant, which he isn't too cool with. if i have to do a lunch too than that's one more screaming chloe holding session. he cuts his losses.

[Marisa]

Sounds like lunch has become a power struggle or some strange odiepial thing transferred into the fridge.You can always trade lunchmaking for buttering your muffin thus solving the bj issue..
I just discovered your blog while researching an issue for my book....I will be back.This is too precious to miss.

[Eryn]

The man here gets a bag of bread, and a bag of deli meat. If I remember to buy it, that is.

[Dana]

My husband makes his own damn lunch, because I told him if I ever had to do that, he could go back to live with his mother.

[rachel]

I make my husband's lunch each morning in collaboration with him. He puts the leftovers in tupperware, and he makes sure his lunch ingredients are on the shopping list. I just put fruit, cheese sticks, jello, seltzer, and leftovers into the bag.

IMHO anyone who is fussy needs to take care of themselves. It's just like dinner - I make dinner, and if you don't like it, you have to figure out what you are going to eat on your own.

[scatteredmom]

My Hub is a really picky eater, but I know exactly what he likes for lunch(ham sandwich on whole wheat with dijon, two chocolate chip cookies, milk, coffee) so I know exactly what to make him. He eats the same thing every day, anyway. He never complains but will fix himself a sandwich if he wasn't crazy about dinner.

I really like the idea of putting what he likes on a shelf and he picks from it.

And breakfast? 4 am? Good God, you have to be kidding me. I bake a big batch of chocolate chip oatmeal cookies once a week, and that keeps him happy.

My 12 year old, on the other hand, is a foodie and will eat almost anything-plus he cooks! I'm going to start paying him to make ME lunch.

[Occidental Girl]

Girrrrrrl, I make his lunch from leftover dinners and sort of resent the fact that he expects it. It's not hard, I just don't like to be expected to do things like that because it feels too mom-ish....too HIS mom-ish. Ick.

If I were you, I would put things that he liked on a certain shelf in the fridge and let him pick and choose each day. That much pickiness requires hands-off treatment, in my opinion.

[ArtGirl]

There's a big difference between "doing something for him just because you're his wife" and being a goddamn doormat. I do nice things for my husband and he does nice things for me. Because we like each other and we want to (most of the time...) Not because it's part of some archaic spousal job description. I'm glad to see her husband's lunch editing got a reaction out of Kristen's JHR (jerk husband radar.) We have that radar for a reason.

[wookie]

Wow. I'm on the "if he doesn't like it he can pack it himself" side, myself, except that just means he goes to a restauraunt and blows a ridiculous amount of $$ Every. Freaking. Week.

I sorta wish my husband would pack my lunch for me. Because when he does pack lunches, he does a really good job. He always remembers a fork and knife and a paper towel AND he puts in good snacks, like mini chocolate bars and chips from the kids halloween stash. He even puts in a drink! How awsome is that? I'm lucky if I remember to add a drink and I never remember utensils.

I've just started stashing non-perishable emergency food at my desk... microwaveable soup, crackers, stuff like that.

[Hannah]

Wow, just stumbled across your blog and I'm pretty stunned that there are actually comments chastising you for not wanting to pack your husband's lunch...

I work full time, I cook a balanced and delicious meal from scratch each night and I do all meal-planning and grocery shopping. He can pack his own lunch. And he's okay with that. He'd rather have a BJ anyway.

[Liz Brabson]

Umm, my husband is 38 years old and can make his own damned lunch. If he didn't know how to by now, it's high time he learned.

[Christie]

"So, I figure he can eat the same lunch that I eat every day. And all of you moms with two little kids know exactly what that is, right?

Yep. I thought so. "

***

Sorry, I am a little slow, but is that actually the crusts of the kids' sandwiches? My kids are 12 and 8, and I still do this... with brown bread made into grilled cheese sandwiches, the crusts make a surprisingly good and yummy lunch. And the crusts of the breakfast toast are great dipped in honey!

[Michelle]

Ah, Kate...if it weren't for cellphones and laptops, you'd wonder if it was 1860 again. These men sometimes....

It's just the Cult of Domesticity that rears its ugly head every 50 or so years. Started in about 1860, skipped the early 1900s, and had a revival in about 1950. Then with feminism coming 'round, it didn't start back up again really strong until about the turn of the new century.

Many of you may remember this movement from American History classes. If not it can be found online by doing a "google" search. It's also called the "cult of true womanhood".

The more things change, the more they stay the same....

[Kate]

What decade is this?

[submommy]

I've mastered the technique. ;) Ok, so, maybe it takes 10.

[Selfmademom]

Oh my, don't scare me about life as an SAHM, as I just quit my job!I won't really be expected to make lunches now, will I? I guess that's the good thing about a hubby who works insane hours downtown in a big city- he can expense his meals!

[ImpostorMom]

I make dinner pretty much every night so honestly I don't think it has ever occurred to either one of us that I should make lunch as well.

All that being super picky shit, that wouldn't fly either. Of course my husband would just take it with him and not eat it so I'd never know.

[mothergoosemouse]

Monica, if Kristen's blog and her marriage bother you so much, why do you keep reading? It seems that you might be happier if you found other reading material that didn't bring out your sanctimonious side.

[BOSSY]

Bossy can't begin to explain how much she hates making lunches, so she's happy she has your blog to do the heavy lifting.

[jaelithe]

To the ladies who are commenting to say that Kristen ought to make her husband lunch everyday just because she is his wife and it is part of her job as a wife to make her husband happy:

Did you not catch the fact that she TRIED making him lunch every day for a while, and he would go through every lunch she made each morning and take things out of it, which basically takes the same amount of time it would take him to make lunch for himself? And did you not notice that she said he would complain about the lunches she made not being good enough, because she didn't get the condiments on the sandwiches just right?

How about this: it's his job, as a husband, to appreciate the efforts his wife makes to make him happy. And if she puts in effort trying to make him happy, and then he just derides that effort, well then, why should she continue?

Also, let us not forget that Kristen ALSO HAS A JOB. And I'm not just talking about the job that ALL we mothers who stay home with our kids have-- the job of feeding, clothing, educating and cleaning up after our kids-- a job that nannies and child care center workers actually get PAID for-- I am talking about the fact that Kristen is a writer who writes for pay. Blogging is actual work for Kristen. I imagine two blogs, a product review site, and a radio show do in fact take up a substantial amount of her time. Not to mention her volunteer efforts as a masked crusader. If Kristen sat in an office all day writing this stuff, wearing heels and a suit, would you all expect her to make her husband a perfect lunch each day? I don't think so.

[Michelle]

You gotta be careful doing stuff just because you're the wife. They (especially the ones like him) will take advantage of you really quickly. And then you find yourself willing to lick their boots for a little attention and gratitude.

"Make it your-damn-self" is the healthy way to go.

Otherwise, he'll expect you to turn into a "surrendered" wife. It all starts with just a few things here and there....

[Christie]

We live in Japan, where it is de rigeur for the wife to make a nice bento for her husband... so we do get some comments sometimes, because my DH makes his own. The reason he makes his own is that he is picky about food and I know he would end up complaining about mine. I make my own lunch and my older son's lunch every day (younger son has school lunches).

My husband allows about 15 minutes every morning to prepare his own bento (rice, veggies or salad, and a couple of items from the "frozen bento food" section in the supermarket). DH seems to enjoy getting to have exactly what he wants to eat every day. No way I am going through all the stress of, "but I had that so recently," "could you not put xxxxx in ... because I don't really like it," etc.

I don't really allow complaints or too many restrictions from older son regarding his bento (he is 12), and luckily I am still above *him* in the pecking order, at least, so I can ban complaints and force him to gratefully eat what Mommy prepares, and like it!

[Monica]

do you ever do something just because you're his wife?

you don't really ever mention enjoying being with him, or how much you love him... all you ever talk about your husband is how nasty he is and how much he makes your life so much harder. You talk of sex with him as if it's perfunctory, life with him worse than without him, and not a shred of a nice commment towards him.

I know you vent here, but c'mon, do you ever go the extra mile for him as his wife?
and moving with him to Little Rock was your decision as much as his, it's not like he forced you. so don't tell me that you moved because of him, you moved cause you thought it the best for your family, but you make it sound like you are a martir.

any military wife, with the average 5 moves cross country or across the world, would tell you that the few moves you have done are nothing, you just wait to see what military brings next. I hope your husband never gets activated and sent on a real 12-18 mos deployment.

[submommy]

You know - I've been reading everyone's comments here tonight. I have to say - lots of complaining about our men, ladies. My DH, though certainly not perfect, (like I am!) is a good guy, he works hard, he makes a mean BBQ tenderloin, and he accepts it when I tell him "um, not the lunch-makin' type of wifey, there, hun." Are your guys REALLY that bad?

And another thing - give the guys a BJ now and again. You want to sleep, right? You don't want to get messy, right? 7 minutes, a towel, DONE! Sleeping 2 minutes later. Didn't even break a sweat. He's happy, I'm asleep - everyone's good. And it actually might get me out of making dinner the next day.....

P.S. DH is ex-mil, too.

Kristen says: 7 minutes? If that were the case, my friend.... HAHAHA. I must be doing something very wrong.

[Laural]

I feel like a bad wife now. Not only do I NEVER even consider making my husband's lunch, we also split dinner making 50/50.
I don't stay home, but even when I was on mat leave it just never crossed my mind to make my husband's lunch.
And, I get kind of bitchy if he tries to take the leftovers I was going to bring for lunch.
We usually have lunch stuff in the fridge and cupboard, but I have no idea what he eats on a daily basis.
And I only have one child.
When my 2nd is born in March I've made him promise to come home and get me lunch everyday. (at first).
But, I'm not big on BJ's so I guess it evens out.

[msscmoore]

Just to piss him off I would collect everything he "left out" and pack it for a lunch all on the same day....that'll show him to be picky!!!

He would sooo not last in my house!!!

[HeatherK]

That lunch editing stuff has got to go! That would totally make me want to save the crusts of the kids sandwiches and send those! And I bet he eats lunch in the vicinity of the usual lunch hour and not like when he gets a spare minute at 3 o'clock? My mom was a lunch maker which is probably why I am not. Mine will leftovers at least.

[Stacey]

When DH is on one of his economy sprees that is actually allowed to affect his *own* spending, he'll take lunch to work to save money. He's not into leftovers or lunch meat, so my lunch packing efforts generally involve reminding him to take a can of soup or frozen meal with him as he leaves. I am, to a point, willing to make DH lunch. That point being "You take what I give you."

I had a bagel with homemade turkey salad for lunch. Turkey salad being what I call leftover turkey breast chopped up with some mayo. He went out for sushi.

God I miss going out for lunch everyday. It is the one thing I miss most from my pre SAHM days.

[jen]

that guy cracks me up. what about gift certificates to mcdonalds?

[caramama]

We are not in the 1950s. If he wants a lunch (especially if he's picky about it), he can make it himself. While he's at it, he can make you a lunch, too! And then cook dinner! And give YOU... you know... the equivalent of a BJ!

[b]

You are such a good wife. I would be IRATE if my husband left things behind that he didn't like. Man up and make your own damn lunch if you are that picky.

[Christina]

Mine is too picky for me to make him lunch. No matter what I made, it would never be "right". So he makes his own lunch in the mornings. He often cooks dinner for us, too, since I'm willing to eat just about anything and it guarantees he gets something he'll eat.

[misshawk]

I make lunch for my DH since I became a SAHM, but it's waaaay easy. He eats the SAME cold cut sandwich and fruit every single day and it takes approximately 2 minutes to fix. It's the least I can do for someone who is supporting our family so that I could quit and stay home with my kiddo.

Picky lunch eater - I would tell him to stuff it. :)

[Cynthia Samuels]

You are unbelievable! Every time you write something I think you get out-audacify, you go and be more audacious. Love you girl.

[Tori]

I will make dinner and then for lunch he (Big Wave) is on his own! Sometimes he takes leftovers but mostly he does his own thing...

I cringed alongside you though when you described him picking through what you actually had made for him!

He deserves detention and no blow jobs for a month (would it could be a year right?...)for that one!!!

And he needs a smack on the bum too...(but he might think it would lead to sex - so leave that out!)

Now go make yourself some lunch!

[mom of 2]

Tell your husband he's lucky to be married to you and not me. My husband only gets bj's and lunch made for him once a year - on his birthday!!!

[Manic Mommy]

Lunch today consisted of sharing my Smart Ones Santa Fe Rice and Beans with RC.

Dinner will be fake stroganoff. If there are left overs, he can take them in tomorrow. If not he's on his own.

[Nina]

I'm shocked that he takes the time to nit-pick through the lunch and still would want you to make one for him. If my husband did that...yeah, well, I don't make lunches for him on a regular basis anyway.

If I cook dinner two times a week, we're all very lucky. The rest of the week is leftovers (I cook in big batches) and leftovers for lunch. Once a week I'll buy a microwavable chicken dinner for his lunch from Trader Joe's. The rest of the week, he eats out. It sounds bad, but it's actually a pretty good system. Breakfast is usually cereal or one of us will feel the motivation to make eggs and toast.

Maybe once a month, I'll make him a sandwich, which will fulfill my mental good-housewife quota.

[tracey]

you crack me up sister.

[Redneck Mommy]

If he were my husband I'd have to divorce him. So much easier that way.

Thankfully, my husband will eat anything...that he prepares himself.

And he doesn't expect if from me.

Except blowjobs. I'm still trying to get out of that one.

[Laurie]

Okay so here is an idea for you. Make him pick out cans of soup that he can heat up and eat for his lunch or how about those lean cuisine dinners? Handing him one of those is almost like cooking lunch? Right? I would think so hehe.

[Submommy]

I'm married to the pickest eater alive, so yes, I know what you're talking about exactly. Dinners are hassle enough with him.

My dh told me once, "You know, my Mom made my Dad's lunches." To which I replied - "Wow. She's a better woman than me."

So, I keep the cupboard supplied with canned soups and we call it good. That's my idea of making lunch.

[amy]

Tell him he has a choice. Air sandwich (lunch of moms and champions), or knuckle sandwich. Seriously. It's bad enough I have to make the kids packed lunches, I didn't adopt the Huz too, did I?

[Lela]

My hubby is the same, won't eat left overs and is heinously picky about what is in his lunch. Then he doesn't like to take it because he doesn't want to leave it in the shared fridge at work where "just anyone" can get to it. If he wants lunch, he can make it his damn self!

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

Some of his behaviors are starting to sound OCD-like. And I know, becuase I have OCD, offically diagnosed and everything. And it's not fun.

Either that, or he's just really picky and neat. Which I can also understand. But it makes life hard for everyone else.

If's he's that particular, he's probably better off making his own lunches then. Otherwise it's just more work for you that he might "disregard" anyway. Hmmm...that stinks.

[Bill]

After pondering this a bit more, I realized that I actually DO make "the husband's" lunch, and it's exactly what he wants! Of course, I am "the husband," and my wife is on her own, but still...I cry foul!

If it comes down to lunch or a bj, though, I'm giving myself lunch. Hang on a second - nope, can't reach - lunch it is.

[Heather]

Gosh I don't think it has ever occurred to my husband or I that I should pack his lunch for him. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.

I love the BJ analogy, btw.

[Cheryl]

I don't know what you are talking about. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I make 21 healthy, well-balanced meals a week for my family. That's my job now, and I have to earn my keep. We also eat every meal at the dinner table because anything less than that would make us white trash. Please tell me you can hear the sarcasm in my voice.

[Sarah-Jean]

My hubby wants me to make him lunch too so he can save $6 and a trip a to Subway.

Unlucky for him, he's picky. Lucky for me, I don't really care!

If I made dinner the night before, the leftovers go into a tupperware container and into his cute little cooler bag. If he wants to save money, he'll take it with him and eat it. If he doesn't, I eat for lunch instead. Everybody wins!

I just don't worry about the complaining. If he eats it, great. If he doesn't, I don't really care because I know he'll find food somewhere else.

I definitely don't have time to make him special lunches, now that I have a 5 month old! I can't imagine that you would have any more time than me!

Just give him leftovers and tell him to eat it!

[mama k]

Love this post.

The BJ thing is cracking me up.

Thankfully the hubby is not too picky with lunches. He's more picky about dinner though.

[*pixie*]

Wow. I hope you send him with the jars of mayo and mustard and let him figure it out himself.

[Christy]

I learned a few weeks into our marriage that my husband would not eat a packed lunch. Better tasting food is so easy to attain outside the home...he didn't want my crappy newlywed lunches.

6 Years later...I make a lunch, he still won't eat it. Some things never change.

[Blonde Chick]

Um yeah... I make one meal a day... after that, it's every man for himself.

[Assertagirl]

My husband makes those "I'm joking but really if you did this I'd be thrilled" comments about me making his lunch, too. My policy is that I cook one meal a day (and a good one, at that) for him. He can take leftovers or make a sandwich but I'll be damned if I'm gonna make his lunch, too.

[Catherine]

Tell him if your lunches aren't good enough, he can always eat at the D-Fac. I hear their food is fan-TAS-tic.....

[Melissa P.]

Girl, you have got to train this man better than this.
You take care of little kids all day. He can get off his lazy butt and make his own lunch. Especially if yours are not GOOD enough for him. What is his problem?

[mrs mogul]

When my husband asks me to make his lunch I just look at him and make a face. I think I've made lunch for him like twice! He did take last night's leftovers that i made for dinner so ok, three times! You should have taken the Grand Forks gig! It's actually alright and no HICKS!

[Angie in Texas]

i think andreadetroit's ex husband and my ex-husband went to the same old school-bullshit-university where they got their master's in jackassery . . .

if he's got time to pick through lunch, he's got time to make what HE wants. (i mean after all, it's not fair that he has to eat whatever when you're at home eating gourmet lunches, right?)

[Hyphen Mama]

This makes me laugh! I made it pretty clear before getting married that if dh wanted to eat (breakfast, lunch or dinner), dh would have to prepare food for himself to eat. And for a guy who's mama cooked and cleaned for him for the first 26 years, he does very well for himself. He even shares his bountiful meals with the rest of us. I'm not saying I don't do any cooking.... because I do. But there are NO expectations in this house that the wife will do any cooking. I refused to be like my mom and wait on my husband hand and foot. UGH.

[Michelle]

What? You mean you actually don't live to make him happy? You actually have the nerve not to have the children bathed, dressed, and looking sharp and eagerly awaiting his arrival in the evening while you are adorned in pearls standing at the door with a martini in hand ready to ask about his day while you hand him the paper and help him put his feet up?

Don't you know how "taxing" his day is, what with having to go out into the big, bad world to make a living and such? What trials he must go through! And to think how much stress it must be for him to not have the lunch he desires. What horrors! That's the reason he got married. So he wouldn't have to toil with those pesky domestic issues himself.

Poor, wittle soldier. Having to eat what someone else makes for him. You should be ashamed of yourself, you silly woman. It's not like taking care of children and keeping a household and marriage together while following him all over the country take up *that* much of your time, now does it?

Men. You can't live with 'em...

End of story.

[slowcookingmama]

Complainers can cook (or in this case pack) for themselves.

[Dani]

Wait your husband is in the military and that picky? When my hubby got home from Iraq I swear I could plop a pile of dog shit in front of him and he would not only eat it but get seconds because he eats like every meal is his last.

[Oh, The Joys]

Oh, no. That wouldn't fly. I make dinner, left overs are for lunch. Period. Eat me. Heh.

[Midwest Mommy]

Oh I'd kill him! I make hubby's lunch everyday but if he complained or nit picked it, it would be over.

[Arwen]

Peanut. Peanut butter. jelly.

[Bill]

Wow - not only if he's that picky, but if he has the TIME to pick through it, he can throw something together himself. Sheesh.

I'll have to bring up the bj idea to my wife though. "Hi Honey - before you go to work, would you mind, um, well, you know, I read this idea online, and, well...hee hee hee."

[AndreaDetroit]

When I was young and stupid (under 21) and my kids were little (one 3 and the other, an infant), I used to get up at 4:30 a.m., make my ex breakfast and a lunch..wake him up(because I was apparently his human alarm clock) with his coffee and breakfast.

I didn't mind doing it too much until I found out he was letting the lunches I made for him ROT in his truck for weeks at a time while running up a $50.00 + a week tab with the "gut truck" (catering truck that goes to construction sites and sells food)

One of the many reasons he is now my EX husband :)

[AndreaDetroit]

When I was young and stupid (under 21) and my kids were little (one 3 and the other, an infant), I used to get up at 4:30 a.m., make my ex breakfast and a lunch..wake him up(because I was apparently his human alarm clock) with his coffee and breakfast.

I didn't mind doing it too much until I found out he was letting the lunches I made for him ROT in his truck for weeks at a time while running up a $50.00 + a week tab with the "gut truck" (catering truck that goes to construction sites and sells food)

One of the many reasons he is now my EX husband :)

[Vicky]

My husband and I parted lunches long ago. He likes ridiculously small pieces of shaved carrot in a salad. I didn't have time for that BEFORE kids!

When we first married and I was indoctrinated into military spousehood I was ahgast at the 1950ish ways. Women got up at 4 a.m. to make eggs? They packed lunches? They brought snacks to their husbands at work? Not me.

Thankfully not my husband either. He decided my lunches were so lame and perverse that he would make them himself and leave me out of it. He got made fun of at work by some neanderthals but our marriage has lasted.

I say, do what you can. If he is that picky then he has to make them himself. You can give dinners a whirl.