If You're Already Afraid to Fly, Then You Might Want to Skip This Post

For all the shit I give the huz, he's a pretty damn good pilot. Granted, I've never actually flown with him controlling the plane, but considering the detail with which he cleans our kitchen floor -- spray bottle and paper towels in hand, you've got to figure he's not about to just "skip over" important steps.

Like checking to make sure the wings are still attached. That sort of thing.

Honestly, the dude used to fly with first time pilots. You know, the wee fresh college graduates, ripe for pilot training with their stomachs of floppy cardboard, who would try to kill him on a daily basis.

You know it's bad when he has to tell students that he doesn't want to die today.

Pull up on the fucking stick you idiots. Even I know that. Haven't you watched Top Gun?

So, when he looks over at you when you're flying in a tiny commuter jet from Little Rock to Atlanta and says "What the hell is the pilot doing?" you tend to freak the fuck out.

Just a little.

Like, could you possibly keep your whole "he's trying to make altitude and not doing it well" response to YOURSELF?

Moving on, I decided to stay a few more days here in Philly to celebrate my mother-in-law's birthday to chill with the New Girl and binge on Cold Stone and Starbucks. Unfortunately, the huz had to return to Little Rock to finish up some flying and complete a couple of exams.

[Yes this means I will have to make at least one leg of the trip alone with two children, one of whom is called Drew, otherwise known as "the boy who refuses to sit for longer than two seconds" but I'm not thinking about that right now. I prefer to gorge myself on Coffee ice cream mixed with brownies by young teenager who will sing unenthusiastically when I put a dollar in her glass jar].

So he left. And got in a plane. That got hit by lightning.

Helllooooooooooooooooooo. That just can't be good.

He calls me all nonchalantly like "Oh, the plane just got hit by lightning." Sweet! Rad! What the fuck? He's fine, except they had to emergency land in Columbia, SC (read: bumblefuck with no Delta planes that were not struck by lightening tonight), and he's trying to get home. Alive. In one piece.

Except, in order to calm my nerves he says "Oh, it happens all the time."

Um. Huh? How can that be a good thing?

Fortunately, I did not have time to get into an obsessive anxiety provoking "holy shit I'm never flying again" discussion about planes getting hit by lightning because I was too busy explaining for the 27th time that I was perfectly happy eating cold stuffing and turkey.

See, the in-laws are good for something. 

Comments

[Glennia]

I've been on a plane over the Carribean that was struck by lightning. The entire plane screamed at once and started ringing call buttons. The steward got on the PA and said, "Yes, we know about the lightning, and no, I can't do anything about it. Everything is just fine." We didn't do an emergency landing or anything, just flew on out of the storm. The scarier part was looking out the window at the big ass hurricane off in the distance.

I'll still take my chances on a plane, especially if the destination is worth it.

[Lawyer Mama]

Dude, that happened to my husband while he was over the Atlantic. They had to divert to Iceland and sit there for 2 days while they got a new plane in.

My dad was a navigator and used to amuse himself by making comments to my mother (who is NOT a good flier.) "Well, that didn't sound good" and "What the heck is he doing up there?" were two of his favorites.

[The Other Sister-in-Law]

Why didn't I listen to the warning in the title?!?

I'm not fond of flying...and an overactive imagination doesn't help. Throw in reality and apparently I'll be a mess the next time I fly.

Glad he's okay...and apparently not too concerned about what happened.

[Christina]

Uugggghh, I hate flying. And this did nothing to help my fear.

Must remember to request Xanax from my doctor before flying to BlogHer this year.

[mrsmogul]

My husband is teaching college students how to fly right now. I never think about the danger...I just think when is he going to get home so he can help! I'm posting MY "I'M PREGNANT" too tomorrow. THREE KIDS??? WOW!!

[caramama]

I will never. ever. show. hubby. this. post.

As for me, I treat all bad plan stories as something that happens outside my bubble world. *fingers in ears* La la la. I love to fly. la la la.

BTW, I actually knew a girl in college who survived a plane crash when she was flying home for Thanksgiving. Small commuter plane out of Greensboro. How crazy is that?

[jaelithe]

I've always wondered about that lightning thing, being planes are made of metal, and they fly through clouds a lot.

Now I know, and realize I didn't really want to. Heh.

[Tracy D]

I have never flown. Now I may never fly.

On another note.... I miss a couple of days reading your blog and what happens? you go and get knocked up! Congrats! Kinda jealous! You will do a wonderful job with 3. If I can do it, anyone can! LOL

[BOSSY]

You had Bossy at "commuter plane" - reminding Bossy of her rule never to fly in one. And you are in Philly without contacting Bossy because...?

[mothergoosemouse]

Never got hit by lightning, but was once met by a whole fleet of emergency vehicles at LaGuardia.

Just in case, as the pilot told us. Something about landing gear not functioning properly, yadda yadda yadda.

(And ditto Mom101 on the misspelling of lightning.)

[Amanda]

That happened to me once on a flight from London to Berlin during takeoff! My husband didn't believe me that I SAW the lightning hit the plane.

"We would definitely know if lightning hit the plane, honey, because we would be crashing right now."

Then the pilot came over and announced that we had in fact been hit by lightening but that everything was fine and all engines were working. All I could do was burst into tears.

I am a lapsed Catholic on a good day but when I fly its Our Fathers all the way up and and all the way down!

[mandy g.]

I lived overseas for 6 years and flew all the time. I'm pretty much immune to airplane horror stories now, having lived through a few of my own.

However, I did recently fly Vancouver to Toronto (round trip) on my own with a nearly 3 year old and a 3 month old. Now that was a challenge. 5 hours of intense project management! :)

[Manic Mommy]

I'll add mine: I used to fly a lot for work. One flight from Orlando to Boston, we heard a noise from the engine like a pair of sneakers in the dryer. Same deal; the pilot made up some BS excuse but I was just as happy to be on the ground.

Eh, doesn't turn me off flying

[Dana]

Oh my gosh! Reading Mom-101's comment about the monster on the wing made me remember why I was so afraid to fly the first time I ever had to do it. My parents had watched a rerun of that episode and I was scared shitless!

I'm sure everything will be okay. I know that doesn't make it better....and I'd be just as scared as you are.

[Lauren]

That is scary as hell..
But hey, Columbia SC! It is indeed bumblefuck, but it's also my home- seriously, I'm like 10 minutes from the (I kid you not) 10 "gate" airport. (We're using those terms "gate" and "airport" loosely.)
The Huz could have camped at our place- I'm sure my Husband would have shared both his Scotch and his pool table! He's just that kind of guy...

[Mom101]

All I can think of is that scene in Twilight Zone with the monster on the wing.

So look on the bright side - maybe it wasn't lightning. Maybe it was a monster.

(Now can I be the grammar bitch who takes out the errant e in "lightning" on all these comments?)

Kristen says: All my "lightnings" fixed just for you. :)

[Cheryl]

Well geez. I figured this was about flying with a toddler and a baby, and I was all set to get totally freaked out since we're flying across country with a two-year-old and a four-month-old in a couple of days. But if I just have to be worried about dying on a plane... eh. Sweet unconscious, hello reincarnation compared to the living hell I'm expecting... no struggle to figure out what I prefer there.

[Heather]

Doesn't sound fun to me for some reason.

[Mrs. Chicken]

A friend of mine was just on a plane that as hit by lightening. You would have had to peel me off the ceiling. You'll note that I have not flown back East since my last plane ride, when the flight attendant told me she wasn't sure why we were flying that day.

wheeee! Maybe I should fly Delta and request only your Hubz.

[crazedparent]

I pretty much should have followed the advice in your post title. Damn.

[Amy]

Calm down!

"Does lightning cause aircraft to crash?

The last confirmed civilian plane crash that was directly attributed to lightning in the U.S. was in 1967, when lightning caused a catastrophic fuel tank explosion. Since then, much has been learned about how lightning can affect airplanes, and protection techniques have improved. Airplanes receive a rigorous set of lightning certification tests to verify the safety of their designs."

http://www.lightningtech.com/d~ta/faq1.html

What makes me wet my pants when I fly is the fact that the aluminum skin on a plane is a tiny fraction of an inch thick. EEK!

[Motherhood Uncensored]

If you like Jimmy Dean, bread, and cheese swimming in a sea of eggs, then Bill, the breakfast casserole would have been for you.

[witchypoo]

That's probably why they started serving liquor on planes in the first place. And stocking barf bags.

[the new girl]

Dude.

Starbux, Coldstone & and my BFF?

*sigh*

Glad he's okay. Not like he needs anymore of a spark in his ass, though, that one.

[Bill]

Blah blah lightning...blah blah altitude problems...blah blah doesn't want to die today.

What we really want to know is if the breakfast casserole was any good!

[Jennifer W]

HOLY SWEET JESUS WHAT?! This whole post (& comments) just freaked me the F out! I may road trip my whole life from now on. It's all...lightening, planes and liquor...oh my! lol

[margalit]

It happened to me once, about 20 years ago on the shuttle from Boston to NYC. The lightening hit the plane and traveled right down the center aisle. People were screaming and crying and were totally hysterical. The pilot got on the intercom and did one of those "Hey people, we're all just fine" speeches that didn't calm anyone at all. I got off the plane and demanded the location of the nearest bar. It was 8 in the morning. I don't think I've ever been so scared.

[Christy]

Wow. I'm sufficiently freaked out. Not good since I'm flying into LR on Thursday!

Hope your flight with the two kids goes well!